SCARED

I am SCARED!.. Yup... scared that is what I am.. I am scared becos' I really don't know where I am headed to after NUS.. I am scared because I don't want a job that I do just for the sake of money. I am scared because I think so many things have changed. I am scared because I feel that people I know have grown up in one way or another and a huge part of me want things to remain the way they have always been. I am scared because I want so much for myself. I am scared because I think that I have in a way become a very different person. I am scared because, well before J.C. no one really expected anything from me.. It was ok for me to do badly. ANd then from then on, everything seems possible. Before JC, I had NEVER dreamt of goin into uni .. never... it wasn't it my repertoire of speech even.. ever.. hais.. and now I am exitin from NUS soon.. As much as I am proud of myself, I just feel that the undergrad life has been fun.. and there is just so much more that I could have done that I didn't .. I feel like I wasted so much time I don't know doing what... I am scared.. Will there be friendships to be made in the 'real world'? Are people mean out there? Will I be able to keep the friendships that I have all these years with all my wonderful good friends of mine? Honours year also marked new friendships, and truth be told, I would have hoped to have the chance to meet all of you earlier.. But I am sure everything has it's own place and time. and well.. It's my time to get out of school, but where should I be heading to? Does anybody know? I sure don't. Oh yeah.. and I am scared that I will be lonely.. So yeah.. I AM SCARED!!

This song just came to my mind:

Mariah Carey's - Do you know where you're going to? Theme song from Mahagony

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

NO more excuses!!

I realised that I have been giving myself way too much excuses for not doing work.. SEriously!! Way to much!! So much that I am getting sick with myself.. Yeah and it doesn't help that part of therapeutic writing forces me to re-read and re-write things in my past.. bluughh!! Seriously.. it works so much better for me not to look and deal with certain things.. Well.. you know for the most part.. I just think that I am making excuses for not working.. for sleeping .. and for being so freaking lazy!!! Really glad that my gal pals are there to study with me.. cop me a seat in school and then time check me by threatening that they won't have lunch with me for a whole week.. hahah Yeash Mushi and Yani.. this refers to you... and you know what.. I am such a stubborn stubborn person.. well.. everyone who knows me well enough can attest that.. and only I, me and myself can get my arse out of any situation if I put my mind at it.. And so.. Now, at 2.45 am.. I shall make a pact with myself.. I will stop being lazy.. I will not blame it on anyone or any past incidents.. blurghh.. (furthermore, this will help me to take a positive step and move on and be independdent).. and seriously try and get my act together.. enuf is enuf of procrastinating.. of what'ifs of how'-i'-wish... No more of all of that... Just do what I can.. the best that I can.. with what I can.. and Insya Allah.. the best results will come.. At least I know I made the effort and there is no regrets..

Okies.. and pls those of you studying with me.. Kick my ass (NOT LITERALLY!!) when I am procrastinating and being lazy pls!!!

Oh yEah ARAFAH!!! KITA BOLEH!!! :)

Good Day

I managed to get thro and finish my essay.. it's not that good tho' cos I only did 16 pgs when she wanted us to do 25.. haiz.. But today was a good day..why? managed to get a different set of air. Was fun spending some time with the social work people during the outing for geron class. I was dozing off when the lady was giving her presentation.. I really hope she didnt catch it.. :) I can't remember when was the last time I really slept.. Rite now I craving to watch MTV.. yup that is rite.. MTV but my bro is watching his vcd so I goto wait will he sleeps. .. I spent some time with mum and dad and littlest bro.. and they enjoyed it.. Mum and Dad was real sweet.. I miss spending time with them and them with me.. I realised that Mum has a fear abou being institutionalized.. and that she wants to grow old in the context of the family.. cos whenever I talk about Old FOlks homes n the likes, she will tend to jus dismiss it away.. so today, I probed lah.. and she was like.. I not comfortable la hearing about these things.. So tommorrow I told mum I will have breakfast with her since Dad playing golf.. I feel so bad that I haven been spending time with the people I love.. and what makes me feel worst, is that they understand.. Arrgghh... I tik it's through the love of my family and close frens.. that I learn what support and care is about.. Unfortunately, no such luck wit my love life.. hahah ANy lonely souls out there needing a company?? I know I do.. at least in a romantic way.. But I know I not ready for commitment and the likes.. Have to get rid of my anger and resolve the issues first.. and be sure not to fall for the same type of guy?? or to act differently in a relationship?? entah.. sometimes I just think that I think too much!! hahaha
Oh yeah.. I reallly like talking to Dr Mehta about my ambitions and dreams.. she is so open about it and so unjudgmental.. Best nyer!!
My head is spinning now tho' time for me to sleep perhaps.. One more essay to go..
Feeling happy rite now and contended..
ps/any lonely souls out there?? hahahhaa.. I need a mate.. hahahha goodness I sound so desperate!

Finally

Finally.. the ISM is completed.. I tried to make it as social work as possible.. That is all I can do.. Try my best.. Surprisingly I feel energised after finishing it... hahhha the irony!!!

Printing it out now at 6:07 a.m. I haven slept a wink. Got gender class at 10 am.. hahha

I am

I am tired, mad, insane, feeling like my muscles no longer belong to me (if I had any), grateful to the many ppl who have helped me, full of self-belief and yet afraid of failing and thus haunted by self-doubt, I am.. well.. I am just me lah huh.. hahahaah so yeah.. hopefully.. everything goes on well.. I feel the adrenelin rush.. told mum that this wk and perhaps the next, there will be days I will come home very late.. Haiya need to conc and do work in school..

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY!

And in the words of best fren (a.k.a. JT) GAMBATTE!!! hahahha

Relief..

Sigh of................... RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hard work paid off... Seriously.. Glad I decided to fight off the procrastination (tho' sometimes very late) and work my butt off.. I got back my crisis paper.. I got A (wooohooo!!) Alhamdulilah.. She asked me a qn tho..'why is your introduction much stronger than your conclusion?'.. DUH?!! Intro write first wat.. by the time I reach conclusion wanna pengsan already.. Haiyo!! Andd... Good news.. I guess me barging in into my sup office 3 times today .. and after which emailing him and calling him to read my ISM works... HE actually read it.. HAHHAHA yup yup he did.. Now i feel bad for not having faith in him.. Arrgghhh I am on such a high now.. Alhamdulilah.. I really feel very blessed rite now.. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.. and it ain't so dim anymore.. Wee!!

Two more essays to go.. One is social gerontology and the other mental health (hahah hopefully I won't be the mental one!) And I am so thankful to everyone who have helped me in one way or another .. in answering my surveys.. helping me with referral or even words of encouragement.. U know.. I learnt a very humbling lesson from honours.. We don't live alone.. We need help from ppl.. and you know.. I guess whoever said we don't live on an island is true!!

It's not over.. But I can see the light

A Bearable Week

The week is almost coming to an end... Sigh!! And.. the work is not done..

THis is how I looked... fresh rite.. before my FINAL presentation ever as an NUS student... wow WEE... yeah.. was dressed up seh.. But actually I was very blurrrrry.. hahahhaa ANyway... besides some questions from the lecturer.. I think it went swell..

Nice?? Taken with my brother Fadhli when we went out some weeks back!!! He's oh so grown up now!!! hahaha Can still remember him being little and we would go cycling together.. But whatever it is.. I still consider him to be my little brother. and forever think of him as 'little' hahaha and.. being such a good sister that I am.. there are days which I think my antics drive him insane.. But love him lots...

Well.. I am tryin to tie my ISM together and work on my analysis part before I start on my geron paper.. It will be a terribly busy week next week (in the background..some sports day going on..and I think its Fajar..My alma mater.. why? cos got Manta House I heard..and that was my house!! Not that I did anything lah)... Busy Busy Busy..

Oh on a side note.. Took a tiny-weeny break and watched the music video of Jason Mraz.. Geek in the Pink.. oh goodness he is such a drool la can!!!  I mean no 1. He can wear pink!! no. 2. He is so cool lah.. I think there is nothing much cooler than a man who is so in touch and confident with who he is and doesn't need to adopt a particular image to boost his ego.. This is such a major major major bonus point.. SO going to get his album..well..when I have the time that is.. Jasan Mraz you pink geek.. Swooonnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Makes me wonder tho.. Why do some guys then try so hard to be something they are not?? Blurrgghh.. Go Geeks!!! Oh yeah on another side note.. My littlest brother.. Is so refusing to wear his plastic glasses cos' some ppl in his class said he looks like a geek.. WTF.. bully my brother.. so I did a little cognitive refraiming.. hahah told him geeks are people too and that they are cool.. and that he looks nice wearing that glasses. SO he asked me.. But only my family thinks I am nice wearing this plastic glasses. So I replied but at the end of the day only your family and your very close friend's opinion matters.. Then he was like why? Because we all love you and we think you look good so only that should matter.. And he smiled can.. Wah.. hahaha so sweet kan... And he wore his plastic glasses to football practice today!! You go lah my litlle brat of a brother... hahahah and if any small malay puny mats wanna kacau him.. You get thro' me first ah.. I soooo.. will not allow anyone to pull the self-esteem down of my brother!!!

I think I am mad!!!!!!

hahahah okok this is realli insane.. So here I am reading a book "Successful writing for qualitative researchers" by Peter Woods to get some idea on how to write up my ISM part.. I mean I dun realli have an idea cos previously I have always done quantitative research and single-subject group design (very the deng!! rite to try something new)... hahahaa

So anyway.. this guy very farnie lah.. I lurrve his quotes... wakkakaa

I think all writers of prose live in a state of induced insanity (J.G. Ballard)

I think I'm either frighteningly sane or incorrigibly mad (Iain Banks)

I can't thin kof any great writers who are sane (Phyllis Naggy)

and he goes on to say... "If we are to be successful writers, it seems we must be prepared to be a little insane"......

So am I going to be a successful write????? I am seriously a little insane now... hahahha

One down..

Finished my crisis paper.. Hwhheepheyugh!! Sigh of relief.... will put that one out of my mind.. clueless rite now as of what to do for my geron paper.. arrghhh!!! Ideas??? Blank!!

Blargghhh!!!

Bllarrghh!!! Yeah that is how I am feeling rite now. I am (*)#$)$( wasting my time rite now.. I have been.. doing stupid useless stuff.... I hate the fact that the papers I am handing up are not to my expectations.. Hate the fact that I didn't put in my best effort and hate the fact that I know all this and yet not doing something proactive about it.. What the blarrrddyy crap rite.. Shit lah.. I seriously think I have had enuf of the whole schooling life.. seriously.. I realli miss secondary school.. times when i didnt need to study.. since A levels till now.. I feel like a hamster running on the wheel which never stop.. Well.. as much as I have had good times.. I am really ready to go and look for new adventure and new stuff to keep me interested... hahahha and this is really off... but maybe falling in love or developing a crush will keep me interested in work.. if only i didnt put so much grey matter into developing a crush then any A,B,C will do.. wakakka okok I have vented enuf..and I feel like a mad woman.. and it's a wonder how rite now I feel like going back to my work.

And dear Arafah.. I love you lots.. And I appreciate how you can still think of me and get me a book so useful for me even though you got so much other issues to deal with in your life..

Oh yeah.. and I learnt that there are many different types of friends.. there are some ppl I am forcing myself to think only as 'happy' frens.. seriously.. they can't be bothered and they pretend to be bothered.. Peh!!! Harlow!!! Pe-gi-la!!

It has been good so far..

Work is piling up.. but Alhamdulilah.. I am learning how to partialize it... and well so far.. its going good.. I need to 'up' it a little bit.. Minus my time procrastinating and doing well.. 'staring into space things'... It's amazing how long these things take... hahhaa..

So far...

1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.

Things left to be done..

1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper

.... May my internal strength pull me through!!

an All inspiring day!!

Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)

and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??

1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??

2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs

3. My crisis paper by next monday

4. My gerontology paper

5. My full ISM paper

6. My mental health assignment and presentation..

Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..

Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..

yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??

Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!

Lessons learnt

Below is a quote i took from Arafah's blog.. It's part of a wider entry of hers...

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..

Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..

Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..

To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..

So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...

Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)

The finality of it all

Warning: Full of rambles, spelling mistakes and what-nots

Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..

Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..

I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)

So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...

With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..

And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..

"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....

At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)

Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa

Everything's goin to be alright??

Right now.. the song... 'everything's goin to be alright, everything's goin to be ok'.. is in my brain rite now.. only that it ends sadly with a question mark.. Well today has been a rather..well no.. let's say confidently good day for me.. I managed to drag my big ass to school plonk myself down.. got started on my mental health assignment one and also did part of my terrorism powerpoint, which kinda look very messy and is taking a long time then I had planned it out to be (it looked so simple in my brain).. ..

Well.. things that are happening at school are really dragging me down.. and so I end up whinning and whinning and bitching and whinning..etc. but then, when I read my dear friends Arafah blog today.. I just felt like kicking myself rite up the ass.. I mean.. goodness.. so many more dear things are happening, which can go wrong and do go wrong.. and yet, they still continue living.. and then happened to go thro' a schoolmate's blog who lost her baby.. I mean.. what could be worse for a mother?? Seriously Arafah, yesh, you say that you are not strong, but then, breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means that you are human.. and seriously, that ain't bad rite.. cos we are all humans..

It's a start of a new day.. Insya Allah.. let everything work out well

Aftermath

Dr Ngiam has really been sweet.. He is so so so helpful and nice..after knowing that some contacts he gave cldn't help me, he emailed me immediately apologizing and to just let him know any other help/assistance I might need... well I got to talk to my supervisor soon.. about the state of my ISM (or lack of) and also perhaps changing my methodology.. ARggghh!! And what is worst, I have just been sleeping every single time I feel stressed. I feel like I have lost the "I Can Do It" KiTa Boleh Spirit.. Oh .. where for art thou' spirit?? Do come back..

Well.. today I feel much better..after talking to 2 hrs to Edleen..and she trying to "sell" me some guy at one part of the conversation...hahhahaha Cute lah.. but babe.. thanks.. yOu never seem to fail me.. always there.. Best!!

But I am counting my blessings rite now.. Got lobang for one interview.. Convinent sampling.. But I don't know if it will make my paper gd or whether it will make my paper look like I am just doin interview for the sake of doin it.. get what I mean?!! Rite now, I need to make sure everyting i write, can be related back to social work implications..if not..it will look very sociology or even economics-a like...

Blah.. Goin for dinner tonite.. Wld be a good time to chill.. Tommorrow, is a new day, and today, is going to be good cos' it's what I make out of it..

Humm..

A few seconds ago..I tot the world suck..now, I realised, ppl do help each other out.. Thanks man!!

*******

crossing every single thing I have...

Insya Allah... pls let everything work itself out..

This might sound weird.. or that stress and the etc..has got to my brain.. but this wld be such a nice time to develop a crush and fall 'somewhat' in luv.....

Now I sound insane..

order~~

Decided to bring some order to my piles of paper all over my room..went and actually filed my stuff.. so amazing.... I always do it barely 2 wks before exam.. so now my room is quite organized! while puttin stuff in order, it dawned on me the amount of work that I would have to do and all the assignments which are going to be due soon.. Insya Allah everything will turn out a ok!!

Rite now, things with my ISM.. let's just say I dunt wanna think so much about it. Shall just try my best and do whatever is possible even if it means at the end of the day just relying on secondary data.. But then I know that deep down inside I am very stress.. why?? the appearance of a physiological symptom. Everytime I get really stress, I will get this nagging pain on my right shoulder. Irritating, and yet always serves to remind me to relax, take stock and just do my best.

Being social work trained, I should incorporate what I learn into my psyche.. so here it goes.. self-cognitive behavioural therapy... "the way I think will affect the way I feel".. so I going to think positive, so that I can feel positive, and do work well..

An Emlightening Day!!

Watched the Constant Garderner today with Arfah..It's a deeply intriguing, disturbing movie.. Made me question whether saving the world and making it a better place through the use of already established institutions possible...

Perturbing..Nuff' said..

Was a very fun day nevertheless.. And now back to the books.. and like the train leaving the station... I shall start slow but steady..and insya Allah, gain momentum... Chooo...ChooChoo..ChooChooChoo.. (ya get the picture??!!)

New Mantra

Nice the picture??? I drew it on my new little blackboard! It is supposed to gimme inspiration lah.

Have been such a sotong recently! Super Super punye sotong I tell you.. And I am so fed-up lah with the whole state of affairs..I can't stand it..So.. I am just going to try and believe.. have faith..if everything else fails..at least have faith  IN MYSELF that somewhere somehow, I can pull things off.. Insya Allah.

Seeing things in perspective

Sometimes, I think that things have a funny way of working itself out. Have you ever woke up, in total shock, taking time to think what it is you are supposed to do.. well that happened to me today.. I woke up at around 9.50..and I was like ain't I not supposed to be somewhere now?? Then, after a few moments, I realised I got a class at 10 and a test then.. I panicked, screamed.. called my mum.. who got my dad to pick me up.... he railed at me the whole way, saying that I need to change my habit of 'pentingkan' or giving importance to sleep (HEY I REALLLI REALLI NEED SLEEP!!) so anyway, by some twist of luck, I msg Liwei and she said Dr Ng started with lecture first.. I reached school at around 10.30.. my dad drove to school in a mere 10 mins! goodness!! It takes me 40 minutes!! Amazing k.. So anyway, I sat down, drank my coffee (I grabbed a bottle on my way out from home..) and then in another 10-15 mins or so.. the test started.. so yeah I heaved a sigh of relief.. Then.. I went to check my mail.. and realised that AMP can't help me with getting my sample for my ISM..sigh! Back to square one.. Any ideas?? Met Andrea and Arfah for lunch before my next class..and yeah..things got better..

But you know, the news I heard from Arafah, that her friend's brother passed away, really got to me.. here I am fretting non-stop..about the litte little things in life, and yesh I do so cos I am a whiny human being.. and yet, hearing the news puts things into perspective..there are so much more things more important..and I need to start appreciating my parents, family and close frens more.. all the people who are always helping me and who I have been taking for granted..

And to Ratna, even though I don't really know you or your brother, I have a feeling he was a really nice person, because it was raining the whole of today. May Allah bless his spirit.

Hot AIR!!

Before I start cursing or sounding very bitchy.. Let me shout out a super duper cooper throoper big big THANK YOU to OYEAH!!!! She was so so sweet I tell you.. from school she followed me to MENDAKI so that I could get their research report on Skills Redevelopment Programme.. Wah weet weet.. SO SWEET!!! SO SO very the thank you girl!! It's always all these wonderful things that make 'uncontrollable' things bearable... Arafah..Terima khasih eh.. listen to all my grumbling tho' you got more stressful life changing issues to deal with.. in your own words... gua chaya sama lu (correct???) And 2 sweet ppl who by chance saw me walking and listened to all my ramblings in a very very loud voice ( I SWEAR i think I was shouting at the top of my lungs) - Murshidah and Fareez (leh..I haven study enuf for Gender test on thur!! Thanks for the reminder!) and then to Andrea, Arfah and also her chinese fren..thanks thanks.. the coffee helped plus the laugher and jokes.. and Maria for talking to me on the phone.. sampai handphone batt mati... wakkakaka Thanks ah.. SERIOUSLY ranting and raving keeps me sane.. and thanks for listening..and to all the ppl who always say 'haiya its ok' pls ah i hope next time I won't tell you worries.. cos all I want is EMPATHY!

ok.. so here goes.. I hate ppl who are composed of hot air.. what do I mean by hot air.. I mean harlow..if you not sure u can get it.. dun lah go say for certain u can do it.. THAT IS SO MY PET PEEVE.... DUN LIKE HOT AIR AND N.A.T.O!!

I really dun know what to do for tommorrow's ethic handup seh.. Have no clue.. Just goin to write out the questions and hopefully something comes up and everything goes well..
Ya Allah, pls give me the strength..

Still need to read for gender test some more.. insya allah..

Angelic~!

Nice?? Nice?? Very angelic kan kan kan.. Hahhaah.. Picture was taken during Arafah's bro wedding..

Having the sunlight shinning behind us.. "Like a ray of light.."

Great I am getting crappy..Need my mcdonalds fix for breakfast..(Arfah..will call u in a while!)

LINDA!! I had fun!! Thanks girl!! I suddenly got Da spirit to do work (spirit~ cos I procrastinated)

Right now, I sound incoherent and crazy.. Oh well..Toodles!

STUCK!!

Rite now I am stuck.. stuck as anyone can be.. so stuck stuck stuck..

I really feel like my heels have gotten stuck in the stupid crack, and it broke and I am left spinning.. and spinning but there ain't no one there to save me.. AARRGGHHH!!

I am getting so stuck wit my ISM..so stuck that I dun even put in enuf effort or the effort required.. Why? Cos' I am shuttin down on that blarrdy stuff.. shall take a break.. go for a nice dinner.. Hopefully Linda can spur me on!!

YELL FOR THE UNDERDOGS!!

This post is dedicated to all the underdogs.. Goodness I was so so into "Battle of the reality stars".. Best... and what made it 'more best' is how the light blue team, managed to beat every single team along their way... call it luck.. nah!! I dun think so.. perhaps 'luck' helped a tinny weeeny bit but I think the desire and hunger to succeed and prove their old groupmates wrong, pulled the group together!! I really like the ending tho' when Bradford said that Mr Trump got what he paid for and if he is looking for great to go and call him.. hahhahaa.... and Heidi is such a sour puss.. oh pluss!!!! "White trash" Wonder who she was referring to... akakkaa...

Anyway.. (since I sooo lurve getting lessons out of the unusual things in life) this episode shows... that we can triumph if we really want to so badly.... whatever ppl may think and whatever the odds..

Hopefully.. the fire in my belly will be 're' charged up.. seriously.. I don't know where it has gone lately... been procrastinating lah.. and just taking so long to getting SOME work done...

so yeah.. FIRE UP!!

hahahah that can come later tonite lah.. now goin to dinner with family.... :)

And so I digress...

My powers of digression and also procrastination amazes me sometimes.. anyway, took this Handwritting Personality Quiz.. and this what it says ..

The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself.

Correct ke?? Lor?? Betul ke?? hahhaa but I kinda agree with it!!

okok..this time, I really will get back to work!

Alls Well!!

It has been so long that I woke up early on a monday and manage to squeeze some form of work in.. and by early I mean up and showered by 10.30.. (anyone who knows me would agree!! ahaha) The get away trip with mum and littlest bro over the weekend to Jakarta was brilliant.. Met Auntie Lina and her daughter Sisca.. It has been such a long time.. It's nice to see someone who have managed to overcome illness (she got Hep C from blood transfusion!!) and look so good at age 60 without plastic surgery and remain 'clean' (NO KORUPSI) in that country.. Going away with just me and littlest bro was fun since it gave me 'alone' time with mum to jus chat to her.. 'ngobrol-ngobrol' as the Javanese would say, and get some things off her mind.. and with my little brother I kinda know how to play 'bidamon' (wonder if I spelled that correctly).. This 'thingy' is actually the 'old school' marbles game man!!

Alls Well in my land rite now!! Friends great!! (Thanks Edleen!!) Everything ok on the home front!! and School is currently swell and fine and fun too!!

Adios!! Shall get back to work before goin to school later!! Oh yesh..been sooooo craving for a manicure..Just realised that my nails are really thin!!

Blankness..

Dunno what to call this entry.. But told Mushi on Thursday after dinner I would upload the lyrics of the song that she suddenly blurted out singing.. hahaha.. EARWORM!!

Anyway.. met Mushi on Thursday after lessons..and we went for Dinner after that.. Girl..thanks thanks for listening to me.. pathetic fallacy lah.. why? it was drizzling and it was dark! Had KFC in Clementi.. She was shaking (to warm herself?) hahah cos it was cold in there.. I wanted to buy the new Sugarbabes CD.. love one of their songs especially.. "Ugly"'s the title.. I love the part especially which goes...
"People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you Everybody talks bad about somebody And never realises how it affects somebody And you bet it won't be forgotten Envy is the only thing it could be"
Nice rite!!!! Bet it could apply to almost every individual.. Best best best!! Oh yeah back to finding the CD..do you know I was walking around Clementi and I could not find any CD shop? NONE?!! Is it me? Or is it that the people there don't buy CD?? By the time I got back it was too late to go to the other music shops..Strange!!

Oh yeah.. back to the song that Mushi sang.. so anyway, we were walkin in the rain (was only drizzling) and then she started singing the song from Land Before Time "If we hold on together" by Diana Ross..ahahha I haven heard the song for a long time..but it was apt for the situation!!

Anyway, I think the lyrics are great!!!
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far Don't throw it
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story Faith, hope & glory
Hold on to the truth in your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by For you and I.

Souls and the wind must
Learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley Mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay..

Words currently in my mind

Bah-rem-you! Bah-rem-You!!

Dengkulmuanjelok! Dengkumuanjelok!!

I'm a SURVIVOR!

No one to get my back!! (Linda laughed at this one!! And yesh I know it sounds very 50 cents!!)

Bah! Bah! Bah!

K rite now those are the things in my mind! Not that intelligent huh?!

1st Day of School

1st day of school.... can't really find a sole single word to describe it.. it started well..Met Huixuan who just came back from Aussie. She graduated already and is contemplating on the 'right job' for her. Lab work? or Sales? And so the debate shall continue..

How was class?? Let's just say I miss having a table.. This class doesn't even have the chairs with attached table..It's just chairs.. I gather its going to be a lil' tricky writing notes in class especially since I am such a klutz!

It rained today..and I got a nice pink umbrella.. Real happy with that! Well..really miss having Nornie in class suddenly.. Such a cheer and joy to have her.. NORNIE.!! I bet she misses me too.. (she better)

Let's just say... I hope to do things in the right spirit..and Insya Allah..everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to!

Hope this positive outlook of mine remains thro' out the semester!

And the anxiousness starts to creep in..

Waduh Waduh!! Was printing all the outlines for my modules since classes start tommorrow..and looking at the amount of readings and the work requirements for each, wah!! can faint!! (Spin around, hand on forehead...spin around again.. scream ..arrrgghh....and then fall down gracefully!!) hahha ok lah nonsense a bit.. But yeah the point is..That is a lot of work man.. Haiya kinda regretting the fact that I did an extra module for PS which I could have done for SW.. But since this is the new year, and I want to look at things on a positive side.. shall smile, smile, and then try to do the work as best as I can..

and the rain is brilliant huh...(not when you are caught in it) But rain makes the temperatures drop and prevents make-up from being oily..

My new clean room!!

Yesh!! A sense of accomplishment.. I finally cleaned up my room.. put things in drawers and re-arranged the furnitures.. Its amazing I tell u!!

I put all my drawers together and arranged them from the tallest to the shortest.. Neat huh?? So proud of myself! And there is a sort of design to it some more!! Wow!

And space! Finally after I put all the clutter away, and moved my bed against the wall, there is walking space in my room.. Re arranging your room and having walking space is amaing I tell you.. Its like a wall has been hacked. Physically and mentally it feels so much better!

And look..no more clutter on the floor!! See Arfah next time you come you don't have to trip and tip toe around my stuff hahhaa...

No..I am not narcassistic to put the same picture 2 times but Arfah said that I should give credit where credit is due.. So here it goes..THis is me, with Arfah's teddy bear, given my Andrea. It's name is Pon.. (hahha happy now Arfah?! and yup it looks cute) Why did I take a picture with the bear instead of her? Well I tried to..She didn't want to..Killing time and saw her bear on her bed so I decided to take picture with it instead!!

A new year...

The new year is here!! I think for me, the past 2 years just came and past very quickly, and I never sat down to take stock of whatever happened... And so..here are some pictures which carries so much memories for me.. Its so surprising to realise that there are some good friends who I never took any pictures with.. and in no relevant order...

Pictures N Memories

My 4 best pals in secondary school from left, Edleen, me, Sharifah, and Salina.. It was taken after I finished my A levels.. We all went to NUS to visit Salina who was warded for asthma! I really miss all you 3 girls.. Its been so long since we last sat down and just chat huh.. Tiny picture of me and Edleen during secondary 4 talentime.. We sang such a sweet song..And lastly picture of us together when we had lunch somewhere this year..

Since all my good friends will know by know, I am a total clutz and a hazzard.. So What accident did I land Edleen in..hahah I am sure there were plenty but the one that really stands out is the one in Secondary One where I tripped over a tiny step in the parade square, and in the process pushing Edleen. Salina was in front of us..but since she could only safe one of us, she saved me..and Edleen fell down, blacked out for a while and chipped her front tooth..hehe but all is well..she had it pasted already.. Well that sparked the start of a brilliant friendship.

Thank you Edleen dear for being there all the time, and just a phone call away..and like you always say.. don't say I don't know..because you know..


Lets describe the pics first:
Picture 1: Arfah, Nornie, and me during raya this yr. Picture 2: Me, Nornie, Arti and Hannah during JJ nite in Yr1. Picture 3: Me and Arfah (I held Arfah hostage. She refused to had her picture taken). Picture 4: Nornie (I found this picture of her. ALONE! on my hp. I think it was taken last semester when we were studying and she got bored)

Well..loved every single one of them.. Arti was with me the first ever time I drove alone mind you..Hehhe got into a minor blotch up at first and then got totally lost..Her mouth was utterly "masin" (sure to come true). She said as we were on our way to hannah place "we sure to pass by school" and we did..we went to JJC which was in Jurong, when we were actually from School in Clementi going to Bukit Panjang..hahha Totally the wrong way! But it was fun..and she was really patient with me! And for the many occasions where she allowed me to just be chaotic and stressed and her just telling me to relax!

And Nornie..humm..I don't think I ever got her into trouble though..But I really love her company all the time..I miss having someone to bitch about in social work class, or going to lunch after that and stoning and 'spotting' exam questions with utter laughter..Must go out soon yeah! And remember all the shopping....

Must thank Hannah for all the shopping tips..and always telling me to relax!!

And now, Arfah's turn..This girl got it real bad in terms of my 'clutzness'..hahah the many times I grabbed on her when I almost fell on the escalator..But the emmy prize has to go to this particular time when I pushed her down the stairs of the lecture theater in science. Why? it was break time, I missed one step..and then in slow mo..I could see all the many steps going pass me one by one..but no..I could not step on any one of them..then I saw the door..so I held my hand outstretched..and low and behold..it was Arfah coming to the door..she broke my fall..hahahha Just as she was about to get angry (I am sure it hurt huh babe!) I had this pathetic face of mine going "I tripped! So Sorry!" SO yeah..she didn't scold me..hahha So now..she has gotten used to it already...Well thanks ya for talking to me all the time, listening to my whining..and then everytime I need to do something without clarity, become my partner in crime..Remember the time when we were learning to drive and I told you and Andee the wrong bus to take and we ended up close to an army camp..hahhahaha

Picture of me and ND. Well girl..don't get angry with me. I do have nicer picture of us but I think this picture really capture whatever we have to always go true together..Hard times in school!! :)

So many stories of us being lost together..Remember how blur we were when we wanted to register to learn driving? And the many stories we have of Econs during JJ..and also the so many late nite phone calls where you helped to keep me sane?? I really appreciate our friendship babe..Thanks for everything..

Picture of me and Mushi..hahah don't the both of us look really coy? (See Mushi I didn't put any incriminating photos of you..and yesh ok I do have them!) With Mushi, she always took precaution not to be pulled into accidents cos of dear old me..Just wanted to thank you for the many wonderful times we have in school, especially while studying till we were mad in NUS. Its so hard to remain sane if not..And do help me keep my sanity next semester yeah.. Lets work to our plan of having hair cuts together and going for spas together.. Like I say, its the frienships which have been tested but remains that endures..SO let's just remember the good times..

Picture of me with Yani..(she was actually trying to take a picture of Faiza I think) Got close to her in uni..but especially this semester cos we were studying together and took a subject together..Really love the 'post-law' lesson drive where we would talk about private stuff!! Gerek u!

Picture of me and Linda..Even though we are worlds apart..and I do mean WORLDS! I can understand her and her, understand me..You will never be able to guess how much your point of view of things really enrich me..That is why everytime I am troubled, I give you a ring..and the many ingenious off-hand jokes!



Picture of me and Arafah..What can I say? Thank you for the wonderful frienship over the years.. "temaning" me in all my errands..I was just having flashbacks of the times when we were relief teaching and with lotsa KKChing to spare where we will meet up after work and eat and shop..wah best..Very carefree ways.. Though times have changed..and you have become a mother..thank you for still making time for me, and always lending me a listening year to all my little whinnyness though you got your own stuff to deal with.. I hope and pray that this new year will bring you lots of happy and new things..and seriously girl, motherhood has changed you..and through you, I can see that motherhood makes a person less selfish..


And well, lets just end with a picture of me..(hahah how narcassistic!) There are so many other people who have made such a great impact in my life and provided me with so much love and support.. Jannah for one.. who I don't have a picture of. oh yeah..ok of hand just remembered how I pasted her to the side of the bus cos' I flew when the bus jerked to a stop and she cushioned my fall!hahha.. and so many of my other friends.. It has seriously been such a long time since I took stock of whatever I have. I hope this year will be the start of new things to come..God willing.. To a more positive outlook and to just take whatever comes with an open mind and heart!

A new year..

It has been a long time since I last blog..ahhaha not as if anything out of the world has happened to me.. with the exception of going to KL with my family (with so many ppl from my area also going) and now down with food poisoning. (the pooing and vomitting has subsided tho)

Updates on what I have managed to achieve:

1. Managed to get a hair cut
2. Got a massage (sponsored by mummy dearest)
3. Cleaned up my room (somewhat la..threw away so much stuff and my study table can actually be used..hahhaha just that I havent shifted the furnitures around, which according to Arfah will make my room bigger)

Funny how I actually can't wait for the new school semester. Bought my stationary already!! And this coming semester will mark the end of my schooling life, which has been really full of ups and downs, me learning about so much, and most importantly learning about myself.

An sms by this beng fren of mine really got me reminising back to my secondary school life. Back in secondary school, well my parents were my no.1 enemies. With mum so busy trying to get work together, my dad living abroad, I was very much alone, frustrated and angry (I did't know that I was just needing some parental love back then and it was all mere acting out) Mom was rather disappointed with my results and me going to a crappy secondary school. So while I got into the best class in secondary 1 (which wasn't hard since you only needed 188 aggregate to get to express) it was a downward spiral for me then on. I didn't manage to stay there.. Went to the middle class (hahaha there were only 3 express class) and only had to study 6 subjects. So my teenage life was really fun, fun, fun. It wasn't about projects, or studying. Got to secondary 3 barely passing. My class shrinked though from 40 to 25. The rest had to stay back. But school was still a big big blast. Met people who continues to be the best of my friends till today. My beng friends like Hao Yan and Zehai, who always told me to study while they didn't and who still call and message me now from time to time to make sure I still study and do some work. Zehai had the most fun in secondary school. He spent 6 years there..hahhahaa played too much lah. and Hao Yan only 5. And then, there were my 4 best girl friends. Its funny how they got into trouble, but especially for Salina, i can remember, always prevented me from getting into any trouble. I remember this one incident when she scolded someone who wanted me to smoke. Hahhaha cute kan..But she smoked a lot lah... and then there is Sharifah, who disappears and then reappears from time to time. THen finally, my very dear friend, Edleen. She knows me inside out and we used to fight a lot ok. hahah that is why there wasn't any grievances. When we were angry with each other in class, we would just shout it out (no one would care lah not like they were listening) But I love her loads. ALways a believer in me. and always just a phone call away. Thanks for everything gurl!! Memories of secondary school will always remain close to my heart.

Then, miraculously I made it to JC. I tell you the first day of 1st 3 months were the loneliest for me. I has no one. I remembered going to JJC and then calling HY "eh, I think I wanna go home lah". His reply "eh..just go in lah. U special what. Dun be stupid lah" hahha so yeah I stuck around. Was totally surprised by the whole orientation. Back where I was from (i.e secondary school, we didnt do all these orientation games) made a good friend Mol, who was also in the same class for the 1st 3 months with me. We were always late for school back then, or went back half way..

1st 3 months came and went quickly (many thanks to HY who sent me to school to give me support or was on the phone though he had to go to work the next day..I miss McDonalds breakfast with you!!) Proper schooling started..met Arafah, Arfah and Nornie during orientation. Was fun..Everlasting friendships ok babe!! If not I sure to hunt you girls down.. Many thanks to Andrea who helped me through A levels, I helped her with history and she helped me with lit. Econs is another different episode...hahhaa. Had great fun during the CHina trip with Mushi.. who I drove mad with my antiics..(eh, pls destroy my incriminating pictures!!hahah) My class was loads and loads of fun. So was drama, and in yr one debates..Malay girls were heaps of fun..

And so.. I am currently running the last lap of my education run ~ Uni..What can I say about it? Its really colourful. I became another person in Uni I must say..I lost my spark somewhere down the line, and became rather anal at times, and I lost that sense of "I can do anything". Sad!
University actually made me feel inferior. And with me failing in Yr 1 semester 2, I always had this nagging feeling behind me, telling me I could fail..Which I have never felt before. Previously, It was always, "haiya I can do it if I want to..if cannot or dun want, can do something else". Its sad that I only realised this now, but a late realisation is better than never. Worst things could have happen. I am determined to enjoy my last semseter, with the feeling that I can do anything if I want to. GIve my best..and let fate determine the rest..

ps/ Thank you to that special person who helped me a lot emotionally through my uni days and always believed that I could do it. I have really grown as a person from the experience! :)

My relationship with my parents improved greatly over the years. It is the best now I must say. How? I think it was during JC when my mum said sorry to me for not being there for me. And an apology from a parent, is very powerful. It marked a different chapter and different way of relating between her and me.. She still misses those times she was away from me though. From my childhood (cos she was traveling so much) and secondary school. Everytime we go into a departmental store she will say "how I wish I could have buy all of this" and I will say "yeah, cos you didnt have a chance to do that for me" and we will just have a twinkle our eyes and laugh.

ok so 22 years of living is really not long, but so far, I am so so glad that I met so many nice people along the way. People who always have my back... God have been really kind to me..

Shall stop now, and leave with a long quote my mum messaged me the other day..

Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dreams. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success.
If you believe you cannot do something, it makes you incapable of doing it. But when you believe you can, then you acquire the ability to do it even if you didn't have it in the very beginning.

Results

Results will be out tommorrow at 9 am. Yikes! Super SCARY!!

Humm.. I really think I should get down to doing something for my ISM lest time runs out when school semester starts..Have been going out far way too much I think..hehe..but we all need to have fun huh..I know that when school starts I won't have that much time..especially since my time table will SUCK seeing I got to take level 3000 with tutorials and all..

Ok..rite now..almost hyperventilating..so so scared!!

A nice afternoon...

It is such a nice afternoon today...Sunny and breezy without the glaring heat! Wowee...

So far I have accomplished 1 thing that I wanted to do this hol..CUT MY HAIR..yup yup! It was real fun..went to cut hair with Mushi and Oyeah...

Going on to accomplish (finger's and eveything else crossed) another thing that I want to accomplish this hols (actually it was brought forward..for the past 2 semester) Well..when I say going to accomplish, it means I am going to start thinking about it..and also well, lets just say start small..throw things under my bed..*i looked down and I saw old shopping bags, boxes..oh goodness!! Soon I will be one in the newspaper.."girl infested with bacteria"..wakakka

But before I really reallly really accomplish cleaning up my room, today is such a nice day to cook huh?! Well Dad bought prawns..so I am going to cook dinner tonite!

1. Cold Prawn Salad
2. Lobster Thermidor with a little modifications from the recipe that I found in http://www.lobster-recipes.com/lobster-thermidor.html
*this recipe takes too much time! wakkaka
3. Baked Potato

Should be yummy!! Feeling great now!!
The cook shall go to the kitchen..after some MTV that is...
I AM BECOMING SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR!

Sometimes

Once in a while, we meet someone who leaves us feeling like crap..and it results in us questioning ourself..why me? why? I hate this! I don't like him/her..that sort of thing..

For me, this type of 'someone' happen to pass my way so many times, through the disguise of different people. And it is through meeting all these 'someone' that I feel I have grown as a person..Previously, I would be extremely bitter, pit myself against the other person..ladi da..But now, whenever such 'someone' cross my path, I just well whine for a while, after all I am human, and then just move on. I pray my heart will not be tainted with all these evil hearts. I dun want to sell myself because of them..Like what my mother say,

You can't control anyone, You can only control YOURSELF!

That is true huh. So yeah, while at first I question the way I resolve issues with all these 'someone(s)', asking myself if it is the cowardly way out, now I know that I can only control myself and it's no point wasting time on all the 'someone' of the world.

This song, I feel is a brilliant way to deal with all the 'someone' who have crossed my path, still in my path, or will cross my path in the future..

Lee Ann Womack "I hope you'll dance"

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you danceI hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you'll dance...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope I will always continue 'dancing'

XXX

Nah nothing x-rated about this entry. Just didn't know what to call this entry otherwise. Its funny how I no longer feel so tired, angry, sad, confused or jus shitty after the exams.

This semester exams truly have sapped me. It has sapped me from myself. I have become another person I think. While on the exterior everything seemed all fine and well, in actual fact I was really trying very hard to pull everything, and myself together. Sad. Very sad. Doing that took energy away from actually doing my papers and exams properly. I really didn't feel like my answers reflected what I actually know. But its all been said and done.. all I can do now is pray, and Insya Allah, everything will turn out fine, by some twist of miracle.

I really want to do the way I do things next semester. I really feel glad that I have found what I really want to do.. (shuush!! Cannot tell...I hope its really what I want!)

Well..things are over, I shall not let all that has gone wrong be a shadow for me. Especially if I still get to do next semester.

After my last paper, had a nice lunch with Mushi who battled (studied) with me, and hannah.. Was fun just talking without looking at the time to go back to studying...

And it was so brilliant going Last minute jalan raya on Friday with jjc girls. 10 of them seh!! hahah yeah yeah very last minute but terribly fun! I missed jus having fun..like haha fun! Yeepie!

Things to do..
1. Get a full body massage
2. Get a nice facial
3. Clean up my room which is getting way too messy for me (a very bad sign)
4. Rest, Relax, and prepare for next semester!

A line that my mum said to me in the car after we were debating on something, which my father agreed...
"You can be humble, but don't put yourself down! You have been putting yourself down too often recently!"

Opps..given the context it does make sense was pondering about it. I kept quiet after that..Hai love my parents for making sense and saying things in my face.. Love the confidence that my upbringing has given me. The sense that I can do anything that I want. Thank you MUM and DAD!

Going shopping with mum tommorrow!!

*WAILS*

I dun think I am performing.
Doing the paper, I really, really was trying very hard to think!!
What's happening to me?!
I go home, I feel UTTERLY tired..
Having to drag, DRAG myself everyday..
Ain't any fun..

EERRGGUHHH!!! Wake up Firdawati!!
You can do it!
IT'S NOT THE END TILL ITS THE END!

*Puke*

*Puke*
*PUKE*
**GREEN PUKE**
**GREEN PUKE with ....**

Shall stop there.. Well that basically describes my Cs1105 exams. It was deceptively simple. Until u try to answer them that is. The mcq was (*&^$)%#@%*_)%$#$%UBHU%$guy%$^%..

Have u ever notice how friendship at 20 years old is different from teenage years. I just find 'friendship' at 20 years old to be one that is rather superficial (lack of a better word). We see one another, greet 'Hi!' with amazement, say 'How have you been?' and then 'Oh..ok catch up with you soon'! I think it will be ok if people say that and they actually catch up with you.. but they don't and the next time you see the same person, the same cycle repeats. Or what about how people just don't make time for communication anymore.. Like finding out how the other person is, by calling even if its 10 minutes, or even sms to find out if they are ok. I think I have been guilty of this same crime to 'some people' and for others, I think I have been the one calling or smsing far too much (sounds like I am whining!! ahahha) But yeah it' s just me thinking.

While I strive to give my best for whatever is left of this exams (I dun think I have.. have stocked up on red bull), shall still stive to do my best, make time, at least sms to keep in touch.. and for those who just cant be bothered.. well.. que sera sera...

"Never pursue a distancer" ... Bowenian Family Therapy
*though I might have just taken it out of context in this case..but its true.. No more fusion! Autonomy and independence and differentiation shall prevail!

Toodles..

I just love blogging.. see my mood changes from one of *green puke* to a happy toodles.. and now I just sound mad!

Isolationism

And so.. my period of isolationism has started... Exams start this saturday. Usually my period of isolationism starts at least a week before exams. Times have changed. I really have very little time to study this semester. Ironically, I think I learnt the most this semester compared to previous semester!

Full Steam Ahead...................!!!!!!

Madness

Nice? Its the only picture I could find in my handphone.. Taken during Raya.. Tis my cuz Nadira. She's onli in Sec 1!

Anyway..The few hrs of Raya was fun..went to grandma house.. met cousins and aunts. But got interrupted lah a few times... No pt talkin bout it.. over anyways..

Exams just around the corner.. Tryin to keep sane, remain relax, study as much as possible.. Just realised I can't concentrate at home. Been goin to school and stayin there till late.. Hope it all pays off..insyallah..

Came back home today.. nonKrong (Javanese for 'sat in front of') MTV..watched "I want a famous face"..Just left me wondering about how healthy this show is? I mean why do people wanna look similar like another person? And some of the girls are already naturally pretty I tell you..Like this girl who wanted to look like Jessica Simpson. Are we putting across the wrong message for other youths, considering the how powerful popular culture (MTV) is?? I think what many of these girls need is self-esteem boost. Seriously, I ain't all against plastic surgery. In some cases, I think its necessary, like burnt victims, babies with cleft.. but not for girls who already look so good.. Are we promoting superficial, cookie-cutter beauty??

Right..lets get back to work...

Pening

In Central Library rite now... trying to start studying for SW4102.. Seriously I feel like the stuff for this module is all over the place. Very tired.. Feeling like my brain has reached maximum capacity and there is no more space to fill up new information.. ARRggghhHH!!

I dun feel 'pening' exactly but the darn information just refuses to go in..

THat's it .. I AM GOING HOME!

ARRGgggHHH

Draggy

I have been dragging myself out of bed, to the shower, to school, in finishing up my essay .. etc recently. I just feel so tired..and waking up in the morning feels super hard..even though my exams are like around the corner..(why do ppl say that anyway?) I really just wanna relax and sleep..but I think sleep is a luxury looking at the amount of work to be done.. Doing my last assignment...after which, can start studying (am I supposed to be happy and say YEAH!??)

Hari Raya was nice (well the 5 hrs that I spent in my grandma's house) took pics with my cuz and aunt and grandpa and grandma..and my family.. sadly, went back home after that to finish up my evaluation paper..

This year, more people came over to my house during the 2nd and 3rd day.. wah till the wee hours of the morning.. It's nice though in a way, cos' if not we all wouldn't get a chance to catch up.. hai.. sadness..

well.. got no time to put pics in and resize and all.. take a look at my cuzzie's blog - she put up some nice pic.. even though one of them got my tudung senget!

There's gotto be more to life..

Was super bored, so what else.. had to release boredom Fifi style.. 'danced' around like a mad woman and listened to my 'inspiration' Cd.. yup yup I name my cds.. (so weird rite) Anyway, a song really captured my mood... "there's gotto be more to life".. isn't it true?? Here I am getting all whiny and dreary of things in my life, thinking that I am the center of the universe and that nothin worst can be happening that when 'real' stuff start happening in the world, that you realise just how lucky you are. But yeah.. there has gotto be more to life than merely studying, but maybe, just maybe if I put all my studying in its context and recognise that it is all for a higher aim - to be better prepared for the future..etc, then I wouldn't be so whiny about all the work..

Back to real world happenings, very sad to know that inhuman acts just do not have their full stop. Just a few hours ago, there was blasts in Delhi, killing and injuring people. I have no single clue why people have got to do this. YOU ARE KILLING PEOPLE. And just before Deepavali, a festival for Hindus. Why WHy?? What is the point? What is your aim? Don't people know that history have proven that the truth, hope and good will prevail. Yes, history has showed us that wars, conflicts and what not characterise so many civilization, but there are also many episodes of peace trumping evil.. the Reconciliation process in South Africa which ended Arpatheid for one. Terrorist acts do not benefit ANYONE! Some day these terrorist will realise that all these negative acts won't kill anyone, you just push human beings to the corner and they will find a way to get out of it.

Insya Allah, I hope that people who have lost their loved ones just before the Deepavali festival will remain strong, and those injured will get better, and INSPITE all the terrorist acts in the world, the majority of human kind will still have faith in the instrinsic goodness of MAN.

Sometimes...

Warning: This entry is rather melancholic.

Sometimes I think, I just like to search for trouble only to leave myself in distress after that. Why? I also have no idea why. Perhaps subconsciously is the desire to find another thing to blame for me not being able to finish up my work, or that I get so stressed I look towards the other thing that can make me more stressed?? It ain't logical though.

I pride myself for being able to "let go" and move on. Quickly, as if everything in life, including relationships are one that is touch and go..as if feelings can be erased like words written with chalk on the blackboard. But it can't and I can't do that and I think, a deeper part of me is still struggling to "let go" and truly forgive. Lingering at the back of my mind, sometimes is always the "what if" or "what could have been done differently?". Does it mean that I still hope for things to be different? Or that I just can't reconcile the fact that it has already ended and I was looking at it in a different way? Or is it that I had numbed myself during the whole process and finally, slowly everything is coming out in the open, for me to deal with?

Considering the fasting month is coming to an end, and Hari Raya is coming soon, a time often associated with forgiveness, true forgiveness, can I find it in myself to truly forgive? Truly, truly forgive?? I really hope I do... It's not nice having a hole in one's heart..

Without realisation...

I had no idea that I was actually feeling so stressed. But I think subconsciously, I was and still am. How did I manage to figure it out? Well, lets just say I did. I have been feeling my tempers rising ever so often and over the 'minutest' of things, which seriously isn't me at all.. but surely a sign that I am stressed. Its just a vicious cycle I think...

Piled up work ----- Stress ------ Feeling overburdened ----- Procrastinate ---- Work doesn't get done ----- MORE STRESS

Yup, so.. going to get a time table.. minimise procrastination (hey, you can NEVER eliminate this) and take time off once in a while.. and just do my best!!

Suddenly the finishing line just got so much further and the time given to reach there so much shorter.. Boooh!!

Have Faith

Why have faith? To remind myself that I should have faith in myself. So basically this sudden 'recollection' of faith occured cos' my group's computing project turned out to be a top ten out of god knows how many...
----------
From:
ASSOC PROF YEO GEE KIN
Date: 21/10/2005 09:57:00 PM
Heading:
Instructors' Announcements
Topic:
The 10 Best Projects
Congratulations to students who submitted the following projects!
Please email YANG Yinping yangyp@comp.nus.edu.sg and inform her if you would present in LT or on website.
In alphabetical order, the best projects are:
A Unified Electronic Medical Database in Singapore
"Being Singaporean and Representing Singapore": The Internet and National Identity
Camera Phone Trouble and Singapore Law
Cyber-Counseling in Singapore
Introspections, Retrospections and Perceptions of ICT in Tourism.
Laptop + Lecture = Attention or Distraction
Pervasiveness, Perceptions and Regulations of Cyberloafing - a Singapore Context
Role of ICT in the Singapore Armed Forces
The Web Voice in NKF Incident
Would You Date Me? An Inquiry and Review of Online Dating Services
----------
It should be quite clear which one was my group's rite... So anyway, guess what, all my group members declared this subject S/U, which also means pass or fail. U don't get a grade no matter how you do..unless you fail of course. While the first breath of news was greeted with shock, whine and more whine (Azeanni got a FULL blow of it. why? cos' need to present mah and so much work for something that isn't graded) I came to the conclusion that all this is a lesson in disguise, a good lesson. Why? cos' it just means that everything is possible (except for some like fixing a computer, tyre, or running 3 km..which maybe all of that is still possible? wldn't know till I tried). And the fear of a foreign module no longer haunts me (cos' I got an F for a biophysics module which pulled my cap so so low). So this module has given me bitter sweet memories (!! I can't even believe I said that!!!). Not everything foreign is impossible..

So.. If at first you don't succeed, dust it off and try again!

And.. I can slack for this paper's exam and concentrate on my social work modules!! Hurrah!!

Picture meant to show jus how a nerd I am. Posing in the library!! :)

 

Lethargic!!

Dunno what's wrong but I have been feeling very very sleepy and lethargic lately. And when I say sleeeepy, I really! Really! REALLY! mean SLEEPY!! and the scary thing is, I SLEEP A WHOLE LOT..

For example, on weds, I slept from 11.30 all the way to 4.30 am. (woke up for sahur) and then slept at 6.30 till 12.00. Haiyo!! I also slept like a log on Tuesday night. I really dunno why but the sleep just ain't enough. I just want more and more and more and more and more...........

But got no time!! Its so scary that I got to drag myself to school so I can get some work done. And some is an "overstatement (?)". Why? Its merely like 2 chapters of reading for 4 hrs. Hilarious rite!! I dunno whether is it cause I am so fatigue or have suffered a burn out or I should just create myself a new time table and space out everything. Currently, I am thinking of exercise!! (YIKES!!) from the same girl who had to run her 2.4km fitness test twice cos' she didnt make it the first time round, and who hates sweating. But maybe, just maybe exercise will get my adrenelin pumping..hahhahaha MAYBE!!

ps/ I jus realised that I totally amuse myself everytime I write my blog. hahhha and everything just becomes better. hahhaha oh goodness!!
ps/ps/ Should get myself a ring. aka. married to myself. Pretty good idea since I can entertain myself!

Boo!!

Today, Is a BOO!! day for me. BOO!! day!

What is a Boo!! Day?
A Boo day happens when you realised you onli got a B for an essay that you stayed so many nights for. That you thought you did a good work for. That you were proud for. All I can say is at least I tried. But not even a B+?? Ceh!! Haiya.. I guess I expect a lot from myself. But logical what for that amount of effort. But this experience has really woke me up from my 'sleepy-head' syndrome.

sleepy-head syndome: falling asleep all the time. giving in to my lazy demands and giving myself siesta (short-naps) breaks..

Ok..continuing the Boo!! day. So why is today a Boo day? Cos' I have a 12 hr day today..starting at 9 am and finishing onli at 9 pm. Guess what, I didn't bring my phone. So later at 3, I wldn't know if I can actually have anyone in school that I can chat or have a break with. In short, Boo!!

So yeah..here I go, talking, ventilating, and most importantly, Booing at how everything is going today.. but guess wat, jus saw 3 of my social work friends and they sitting beside me... hahaha and I can't be bothered to erase this entry. hahaha

Now I think I sound mad!!

Was Bored...

Was just getting habituated doing my essay so I decided to take a break.. What else.. Watch MTV!! ahahhha TRL was on.. I like the Vjs. So lively without being over. SO yeah.. anyway, they showcased the new music video by Kelly Clarkson "because of you". At first hearing, one might think that the song refers to an ex right.. wrong, the idea of the song came from Kelly herself, to describe the situation and feelings after her parent's divorce. And since it was so personal she ran the story through her family first. Go catch the music video, its really touching... When you read the lyrics from the perspective that its being sung from the heart of a 5 yr old.. extremely moving!!

------------------------

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You Lyrics

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myselfCause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard wayTo never let it get that far
Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so youngYou should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of youI'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of youI am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Power of the Subconscious

Here goes, the power of the subconscious....

The things we believe about ourselves and the world around us will always manifest in our reality. If we are convined for whatever reason, that we are unimportant, we will not only live our lives as if we are unimportant, but we will also expect others to treat us without respect.

Anything we learn or experience in life is stored in our subconscious mind. We see the world through our belief filter. E.g., believing that "I am unworthy", will result in everything that you face in life processed in this belief filter. So U don't believe it if someone tells u that ur work is good. If your belief is a negative one, you will never give yourself the chance of balancing the negativity through positive experiences. Your subconscious negative belief will not allow you to do so.

So..what should be do?? Have our own affirmation statements. Short, positive sentences that give us a lift. E.g., I can be relax, calm and happy as I undertake this hard essay!!

Well, that affirmative statement is for me! :) I think sometimes, we beat ourselves up much too hard. It could come from our past where our parents tell us that nothing we do is not good enough, or whatever it is. And these experiences, most of the time, makes us question ourselves. Especially during moments of stress. So, having positive statements in our mind, can serve to boost our ego, and more importantly, give us FAITH in ourself. Ain't this such an important lesson?!! Having faith in ourself! KITA BOLEH!!

Right, time to move my ass and start on my essay!! :)