28 Jul 2008

I A M H A P P Y ! ! !

9 jun 2008 - 1st post?

I feel like crap right now. Right now at this point in time. I am once again going through the volatility of my emotions. It sucks. I am burnt. I have called those I wanted to go out and they happen to be busy. Now I am just thinking if I should have at 5pm settled on watching the movie. But at 5pm, I was just feeling more crap cos I was nursing a headache. Just called my last soul. If that doesn't work out ... then I guess it just doesn't. Maybe I will feel better later. MAYBE.

Note: Not the fault of my friends either. Everything so last minute. They have had to bear with my ramblings and down moods for a pretty long time. I ain't good with disclosing I am low not to people I don't know and trust.

Perhaps later I will check in on my emotions.

Ramblings

Was just rather melancholic when after I dropped Mushi off and on my drive home after visiting my granny at the hospital.

Pause - K the earlier part of the day was rather good cos' I managed to meet a lot of my friends for 2 of my friend's wedding. Mushi and me also managed to kinda settle places where we sld go for our trip in July 08.

K back to my original ramblings.... I guess what got me thinking was really Mushi's qn about "What I want" and "New Yr Resolution".... People very close to me would know that 2008 had been rough for me. Perhaps the roughest ever (then again I've only been alive for 24 yrs). It really had taken me a lot of grit (reminding myself every morning not to be an osrich), love, support and faith. I am terribly indebted to a few people. Lisheng for 'tahaning' the MAD rants even at 2am in the mornings. <--- Had apologised to him for that. ahha I think he was probably glad that I still had the insight to recognised the insanity. Also my SW frens, ding, yat and ling esp who had been always a phone call away. Even my management had pleasantly surprised me. Sometimes, I also don't know if I am the whiner and had perceived my situation worst than it is or whether the situation itself is truly realistically perceived by me and therefore, I am perceiving the difficulties realistically. Mushi thinks its the latter. Haha I really want to believe her since she is blardy honest with me.

Thus far, I think I am muddling through life. While life is not without its up moment, I really wanna take stock and enjoy the everydays - In the words of Natasha Beddingfield - Why do I feel like it is half full when I have enough of it to fill a swimming pool ?? (Gosh, totally sounding bimbotic right now). Perhaps it is just me isn't it, that I want too much from life. Whatever it is, I am hopeful that Morocco would be a start of a de-tox for me and a start of me finding what I want. Well Mr Maslow definately didn't say that self-actualisation was something easy to do!

So much for the ego-centrism, pls pray for my grandparents. I don't know if I ever find the courage to say this to my aunt's face. But truly, my maternal aunt, my mom's youngest sister who had been taking the responsibility to care for my grandparents had allowed my mother to be rid a bit of the responsibility and therefore shower me and the family with attention. Therefore, my family is not so much deprived of her. I hope and pray that if my aunt really need care herself ever, I have the patience and strength to do the right thing for her.

Madness

I THINK I MIGHT JUST HAVE SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR SOMETHING NUTTY! OH WELL.... CARPE DIEM

Am burnt, tired and just muddling through right now. Till july comes. Insya Allah.

90% there

humm...how do I go about typing this entry? dunno.. even though my other entries have largely been a stream of consciousness, there always is a very natural start to them... ok let's start anyhow. Basically from dec until feb, I have had such horrid horrid of horridest times.... very very difficult times. But I had forgotten to take time out during those times to reflect on the good times that I also had during the difficult times. But basically, I think the problems while some were things I could not control, others were also my doing I think. But, in all, I am very happy that I've pulled through, tackled it head on and got my wits around me. I am also very very thankful with the HUGE support that I have received from my collegues and good friends. Everyone have been wonderful in supporting me. I think I am very very blessed. I have some of the BEST-TEST friends EAVER! These are the people who are so god damn supportive of me and at the end of the day, so determined in seeing me happy. So so so blessed in having these people in my inner circle. The words that have really woke me up from my "aa...oh oh I am so down bla bla bla" was a car ride conversation I had with my friend Yat - he told me, you know Wati, in the social service line, I see so many people struggling to just make it or not to go down further and compared to them, our problems are so small. And you know what, HE IS SO RIGHT! really he is...he reli reli reli is. The course I attended - CBT by the CBT centre from NZ also helped A LOT... even though it was for suicidal client, the basic principals and concept, I feel are also applicable to myself in order to have a more positive living to life and feel so overwhelmed.
I've been telling so many people that I am in a limbo, a pitch-forked situation with regards to staying or leaving (in my job) and that being in a limbo had been very tough for me, COS I HATE TO BE IN A LIMBO! I guess that is me, I love absolutes..I hate the grey areas and that's why I grapple cos adulthood and life, fundamentally is about dealing with the grey areas. Ok to cut it short, I think meeting up with Mushi on saturday have been very very helpful too...haha in her sarcastic way, she told me, "Wati, it seems like you already made the choice!" Yup she is right. I think deep inside I HAVE made the decision. I just am so afraid to take the step. And I guess, ironically, it is easier to be in limbo cos' if a mistake is made, one can always point to the fact that one haven't committed to the decision. But, at the end of the day, it is very important to commit, take the step, roll with it, work hard, take things when it comes and more importantly, ENJOY the process and not to forget to smell the flowers and the beautiful life I do have. Even though I kinda have made the decision, the swing vote would depend on my conversation/talk with my manager on wednesday. Once that is done, I probably would make the decision and roll with it! :)

Learning to learn

Let's just say that the weeks that have passed have had good times but more bad times... especially when it comes to work... Really feeling as if I was hit by a bus, then a truck, and now, a container. Sometimes I feel that it really irritates me that there is just so much to do and only 24 hours to do everything..not even 24 hours because, I am human, and I need to eat and I need to sleep and I need to chill..I've got so much needs...

At the end of the day, I don't know if I can reconcile it with myself. I don't see how other people see things..I don't see how is it that people think I am coping?...How is it that people think I am ok? Borrowing words from Sidney Poitier, We are all struggling....and really I do feel I am struggling..I feel like the duck...seemingly calm on the surface but paddling like no one's business everywhere else..Feeling jus too much...

So many things that I want to learn this year..I want to learn how to be independent .. I feel that I am rather dependent on people..I am thankful that there are so many people who have been so kind..but i've got to try...try to be alright by myself..just so that..I can be ok..even though other people are not around...just so...

Bah!!! No no no..pls don't think I am suicidal or anything.. Just feeling low...and I do have my low moments..