Monday, July 28, 2008

28 Jul 2008

I A M H A P P Y ! ! !

Monday, June 09, 2008

9 jun 2008 - 1st post?

I feel like crap right now. Right now at this point in time. I am once again going through the volatility of my emotions. It sucks. I am burnt. I have called those I wanted to go out and they happen to be busy. Now I am just thinking if I should have at 5pm settled on watching the movie. But at 5pm, I was just feeling more crap cos I was nursing a headache. Just called my last soul. If that doesn't work out ... then I guess it just doesn't. Maybe I will feel better later. MAYBE.

Note: Not the fault of my friends either. Everything so last minute. They have had to bear with my ramblings and down moods for a pretty long time. I ain't good with disclosing I am low not to people I don't know and trust.

Perhaps later I will check in on my emotions.


Was just rather melancholic when after I dropped Mushi off and on my drive home after visiting my granny at the hospital.

Pause - K the earlier part of the day was rather good cos' I managed to meet a lot of my friends for 2 of my friend's wedding. Mushi and me also managed to kinda settle places where we sld go for our trip in July 08.

K back to my original ramblings.... I guess what got me thinking was really Mushi's qn about "What I want" and "New Yr Resolution".... People very close to me would know that 2008 had been rough for me. Perhaps the roughest ever (then again I've only been alive for 24 yrs). It really had taken me a lot of grit (reminding myself every morning not to be an osrich), love, support and faith. I am terribly indebted to a few people. Lisheng for 'tahaning' the MAD rants even at 2am in the mornings. <--- Had apologised to him for that. ahha I think he was probably glad that I still had the insight to recognised the insanity. Also my SW frens, ding, yat and ling esp who had been always a phone call away. Even my management had pleasantly surprised me. Sometimes, I also don't know if I am the whiner and had perceived my situation worst than it is or whether the situation itself is truly realistically perceived by me and therefore, I am perceiving the difficulties realistically. Mushi thinks its the latter. Haha I really want to believe her since she is blardy honest with me.

Thus far, I think I am muddling through life. While life is not without its up moment, I really wanna take stock and enjoy the everydays - In the words of Natasha Beddingfield - Why do I feel like it is half full when I have enough of it to fill a swimming pool ?? (Gosh, totally sounding bimbotic right now). Perhaps it is just me isn't it, that I want too much from life. Whatever it is, I am hopeful that Morocco would be a start of a de-tox for me and a start of me finding what I want. Well Mr Maslow definately didn't say that self-actualisation was something easy to do!

So much for the ego-centrism, pls pray for my grandparents. I don't know if I ever find the courage to say this to my aunt's face. But truly, my maternal aunt, my mom's youngest sister who had been taking the responsibility to care for my grandparents had allowed my mother to be rid a bit of the responsibility and therefore shower me and the family with attention. Therefore, my family is not so much deprived of her. I hope and pray that if my aunt really need care herself ever, I have the patience and strength to do the right thing for her.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008



Am burnt, tired and just muddling through right now. Till july comes. Insya Allah.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

90% there do I go about typing this entry? dunno.. even though my other entries have largely been a stream of consciousness, there always is a very natural start to them... ok let's start anyhow. Basically from dec until feb, I have had such horrid horrid of horridest times.... very very difficult times. But I had forgotten to take time out during those times to reflect on the good times that I also had during the difficult times. But basically, I think the problems while some were things I could not control, others were also my doing I think. But, in all, I am very happy that I've pulled through, tackled it head on and got my wits around me. I am also very very thankful with the HUGE support that I have received from my collegues and good friends. Everyone have been wonderful in supporting me. I think I am very very blessed. I have some of the BEST-TEST friends EAVER! These are the people who are so god damn supportive of me and at the end of the day, so determined in seeing me happy. So so so blessed in having these people in my inner circle. The words that have really woke me up from my "aa...oh oh I am so down bla bla bla" was a car ride conversation I had with my friend Yat - he told me, you know Wati, in the social service line, I see so many people struggling to just make it or not to go down further and compared to them, our problems are so small. And you know what, HE IS SO RIGHT! really he is...he reli reli reli is. The course I attended - CBT by the CBT centre from NZ also helped A LOT... even though it was for suicidal client, the basic principals and concept, I feel are also applicable to myself in order to have a more positive living to life and feel so overwhelmed.
I've been telling so many people that I am in a limbo, a pitch-forked situation with regards to staying or leaving (in my job) and that being in a limbo had been very tough for me, COS I HATE TO BE IN A LIMBO! I guess that is me, I love absolutes..I hate the grey areas and that's why I grapple cos adulthood and life, fundamentally is about dealing with the grey areas. Ok to cut it short, I think meeting up with Mushi on saturday have been very very helpful too...haha in her sarcastic way, she told me, "Wati, it seems like you already made the choice!" Yup she is right. I think deep inside I HAVE made the decision. I just am so afraid to take the step. And I guess, ironically, it is easier to be in limbo cos' if a mistake is made, one can always point to the fact that one haven't committed to the decision. But, at the end of the day, it is very important to commit, take the step, roll with it, work hard, take things when it comes and more importantly, ENJOY the process and not to forget to smell the flowers and the beautiful life I do have. Even though I kinda have made the decision, the swing vote would depend on my conversation/talk with my manager on wednesday. Once that is done, I probably would make the decision and roll with it! :)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Learning to learn

Let's just say that the weeks that have passed have had good times but more bad times... especially when it comes to work... Really feeling as if I was hit by a bus, then a truck, and now, a container. Sometimes I feel that it really irritates me that there is just so much to do and only 24 hours to do everything..not even 24 hours because, I am human, and I need to eat and I need to sleep and I need to chill..I've got so much needs...

At the end of the day, I don't know if I can reconcile it with myself. I don't see how other people see things..I don't see how is it that people think I am coping?...How is it that people think I am ok? Borrowing words from Sidney Poitier, We are all struggling....and really I do feel I am struggling..I feel like the duck...seemingly calm on the surface but paddling like no one's business everywhere else..Feeling jus too much...

So many things that I want to learn this year..I want to learn how to be independent .. I feel that I am rather dependent on people..I am thankful that there are so many people who have been so kind..but i've got to try...try to be alright by myself..just so that..I can be ok..even though other people are not around...just so...

Bah!!! No no no..pls don't think I am suicidal or anything.. Just feeling low...and I do have my low moments..

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Mid Jan 2008

and so pay day is coming. But I am not so happy or jumpy.. am I appreciative of the raise? Yesh of course. But is the work really worth it? I don't know. It is getting to me that I am not giving quality to my work. Shall use sat to look through all my case files and think of what I am supposed to do. Sigh!

I am tired. I dunno why but I am tired. T I R E D. Can't seem to get out of this mode. Anything else is transitory. Am I burnt out? Dunno. But I am just very T I R E D ! ! !

Am I happy at times? Of course. Do I enjoy some parts of my job? Of course. But is this all life is about? Can't one be happy at A L L times?

Ok it is 3.16 am and I got to get to work in 5 hrs time. Shit!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008


The weeks leading up the New Year was nothing but FANTABULOUS!!!!!!! all the way from 16 Dec 2007.. Had a family gathering, had friends gathering, had lots and lots of pressies, went to chill in KL with my family doing nothing but shopping. Came back to Singapore and forced myself to clear my cupboard and rearranged the clothes I had.....

The only thing bad I could think of happening was cutting my thumb when I cut my cake during the family gathering.. haha nothing like a lil' bit on blood on a happy occasion (GOsh, totally sounding like Countess Dracula)

While work in the office has been piling, and at times I feel like I'm going to just collapse. However, the support has been great. I've sort out some beef I had with my boss and also had found some good collegues.. DO I dare to think of them as friends? Dunnno. Really Dunno. I dun dare to even invite them home yet.. haha so yea.. But I was very shocked at the pressies they bought me. I went on leave during my bdae (18 dec) all the way till 26 Dec.. and when I came back.. Oh la la... I had so much things! I had a new hello kitty keyboard, brooch, locket, loewe coin purse and also dior make up set! Oh la la.. SHocked you know very shocked.. THey really knew what I wanted and bought it for me!!! When I came to office, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. well until I was given the new case. But still, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. Very happy...

Then it was work, and I felt tired...waking up everyday.. I really think my health is not as good now.. cos' I've gained too much weight. heavy then become tired... okok.. But.. coming back to the point.. me, arfah, mushi planned to spend time with yani.. make her happy and also spend New Year together..Everything started out well.. we were laughing and all..then we moved to Arab St.. then who did I chance upon? Him la.. the him who I haven't seen for the past 2 yrs or so.. The him who I used to share my thoughts, feelings, everything.. and the him who I kinda put out of my mind cos' he was out of sight.. truth is, I was damn shocked to see him on New Years Eve.. very the DENG rite.. Held on to Mushi's arm quite tightly... Think she quite blur and did not know what was happening la cos' she probably thought it was me going to fall down. okok so anyway.. things went ok.. I went to eat murtabak.. and then went to East Coast..walk walk.. talk a bit..took a long drive.. and then... when I come home..found him msg me on facebook?! hello what happened to sms ah..why ah? you want me to snoop around is it?! entah eh.. Just feel very loser la.. it's like he has his education now, his new dunno eh.. just feel loser that I dun have anyone special in my life..thanks to Nick, Yani, Arfah and ND who put things in perspective.. Yup.. shock la shock la.. Move on..

Ok.. So.. 2007 - how wld I put it.. A HUGE LEARNING JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!! HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Started the year with a rude shock.. Had an extremely mean client who frightened the shit out of me.. I went to bed at times dreaming that he would hit me. Was very scared dealing with him. I remember crying and shaking and could not even see him. My AM was extremely reassuring. Handled it for me. Processed the situation with me. Then there was this other group of ppl who got me my favourite choc so that I will be reassured... Then came the beef with my boss.. Dunno what first started it but I felt extemely unsupported. Didn't help that I was feeling stressed and I was comparing the help she gave another officer as compared to me. I felt so unfairly treated. A feeling I hated. But through that time, nice ppl sat with me, helped me. And that made me stay on in the job. I almost quit. At different times, I almost wanted to tender my resignation. So with the inputs and shit stiring from different sides..I felt more and more angry.. But Alhamdulilah. I am able to calm down and think things thro. I found strength to talk to my boss. Before that, I went to talk to my mentor. Had a dinner with her. Processed with her what I was going to say. and on that day, I found the strength to be honest with my boss, really honest. I must say, a cloud was lifted on that day. I cried. I cried in front of her towards the end. Cos' I realised her limitations were due to the fact she aint perfect cos' she was human and that I wasnt perfect too. I cried because I felt relief. Relief at the thought that she was not picking on me. She was able to see my strength. I learnt that I needed to trust myself more. I realised I had a good boss. She could handle me. I am a rather hard officer to handle. She could handle my honesty and sometimes bluntness with poise, respect and openess.

I also found time to spend more time with my friends. I think I have made choices. Some friends, I make concerted effort to spend time with them. Other friends, a Hi and Bye. Other friends, well.. Humm..wonder what happened to them.

I realised that I am a happier person (except for the day when I met him la..cos' shocked). I take things in my stride. I've learnt to juggle. To be stressed, hyperventilate and breathe. I learnt that I can do things. I also learnt to trust myself. So what lies in 2008?

Very importantly, I need to realise that I deserve to be loved by a special person. I don't think I have realised that. I have to learn that I come first. I have to learn that I need to put in effort to look good. I need to learn that it is important to put in effort to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to enjoy and let go. I need to learn that work is work, life is life and that life, in its complexity, is actually simple.

So what is my new years resolution

1) Take time to wear make up to work
2) Take time to exercise
3) Take time to have regular facials
4) Take time to say No and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
5) Take time to travel (hoping that Uzbekiztan and Moscow becomes a reality)
6) Do my work well, act as a professional, be a professional
7) Make time for friends and family
8) Widen my social circle
9) Fall in love if I can (doesn't mean it has to be a relationship - miss the fuzzy feeling in the tummy wummy)
10) Be a good daughter and sister