Saturday, October 29, 2005

There's gotto be more to life..

Was super bored, so what else.. had to release boredom Fifi style.. 'danced' around like a mad woman and listened to my 'inspiration' Cd.. yup yup I name my cds.. (so weird rite) Anyway, a song really captured my mood... "there's gotto be more to life".. isn't it true?? Here I am getting all whiny and dreary of things in my life, thinking that I am the center of the universe and that nothin worst can be happening that when 'real' stuff start happening in the world, that you realise just how lucky you are. But yeah.. there has gotto be more to life than merely studying, but maybe, just maybe if I put all my studying in its context and recognise that it is all for a higher aim - to be better prepared for the future..etc, then I wouldn't be so whiny about all the work..

Back to real world happenings, very sad to know that inhuman acts just do not have their full stop. Just a few hours ago, there was blasts in Delhi, killing and injuring people. I have no single clue why people have got to do this. YOU ARE KILLING PEOPLE. And just before Deepavali, a festival for Hindus. Why WHy?? What is the point? What is your aim? Don't people know that history have proven that the truth, hope and good will prevail. Yes, history has showed us that wars, conflicts and what not characterise so many civilization, but there are also many episodes of peace trumping evil.. the Reconciliation process in South Africa which ended Arpatheid for one. Terrorist acts do not benefit ANYONE! Some day these terrorist will realise that all these negative acts won't kill anyone, you just push human beings to the corner and they will find a way to get out of it.

Insya Allah, I hope that people who have lost their loved ones just before the Deepavali festival will remain strong, and those injured will get better, and INSPITE all the terrorist acts in the world, the majority of human kind will still have faith in the instrinsic goodness of MAN.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Warning: This entry is rather melancholic.

Sometimes I think, I just like to search for trouble only to leave myself in distress after that. Why? I also have no idea why. Perhaps subconsciously is the desire to find another thing to blame for me not being able to finish up my work, or that I get so stressed I look towards the other thing that can make me more stressed?? It ain't logical though.

I pride myself for being able to "let go" and move on. Quickly, as if everything in life, including relationships are one that is touch and if feelings can be erased like words written with chalk on the blackboard. But it can't and I can't do that and I think, a deeper part of me is still struggling to "let go" and truly forgive. Lingering at the back of my mind, sometimes is always the "what if" or "what could have been done differently?". Does it mean that I still hope for things to be different? Or that I just can't reconcile the fact that it has already ended and I was looking at it in a different way? Or is it that I had numbed myself during the whole process and finally, slowly everything is coming out in the open, for me to deal with?

Considering the fasting month is coming to an end, and Hari Raya is coming soon, a time often associated with forgiveness, true forgiveness, can I find it in myself to truly forgive? Truly, truly forgive?? I really hope I do... It's not nice having a hole in one's heart..

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Without realisation...

I had no idea that I was actually feeling so stressed. But I think subconsciously, I was and still am. How did I manage to figure it out? Well, lets just say I did. I have been feeling my tempers rising ever so often and over the 'minutest' of things, which seriously isn't me at all.. but surely a sign that I am stressed. Its just a vicious cycle I think...

Piled up work ----- Stress ------ Feeling overburdened ----- Procrastinate ---- Work doesn't get done ----- MORE STRESS

Yup, so.. going to get a time table.. minimise procrastination (hey, you can NEVER eliminate this) and take time off once in a while.. and just do my best!!

Suddenly the finishing line just got so much further and the time given to reach there so much shorter.. Boooh!!