Friday, October 28, 2005


Warning: This entry is rather melancholic.

Sometimes I think, I just like to search for trouble only to leave myself in distress after that. Why? I also have no idea why. Perhaps subconsciously is the desire to find another thing to blame for me not being able to finish up my work, or that I get so stressed I look towards the other thing that can make me more stressed?? It ain't logical though.

I pride myself for being able to "let go" and move on. Quickly, as if everything in life, including relationships are one that is touch and if feelings can be erased like words written with chalk on the blackboard. But it can't and I can't do that and I think, a deeper part of me is still struggling to "let go" and truly forgive. Lingering at the back of my mind, sometimes is always the "what if" or "what could have been done differently?". Does it mean that I still hope for things to be different? Or that I just can't reconcile the fact that it has already ended and I was looking at it in a different way? Or is it that I had numbed myself during the whole process and finally, slowly everything is coming out in the open, for me to deal with?

Considering the fasting month is coming to an end, and Hari Raya is coming soon, a time often associated with forgiveness, true forgiveness, can I find it in myself to truly forgive? Truly, truly forgive?? I really hope I do... It's not nice having a hole in one's heart..