Tuesday, December 19, 2006
When I got home.. Haiz.. It's not what I thought it would be (I love the thought and care my brothers put into my presents...THo' they drive me insane, I tik I love them lots..No I don't think.. I do..) Anyway.. It's a family tradition to have bdae dinner together..and whereever it is.. It's always full of laughter and fun..But not this time for me... Mum was still in office at 8.30 p.m. so we went late..and Dad spent time in the golf course... And what I just couldn't stand it was when dad apologised for not being able to get me a present tho' he had the intention to cos he was busy.. Blardy F**ing hell..You had the time to play golf..Three holes at that..and you stopped cos of the rain... PLs lah.. I can't stand it when people give stupid excuses.. Dun want to do say so... It's about the effort man.. Whatever lah... ANd I cld see that he also like so tired at first and can't be bothered... So anyway, mum came late..sat down, asked me a qn and before I cld answer prop...dunno what lah she turned her attention to something else..Yesh I get it that she is busy and have a lot of work commitments but pls lah jus put it asider... Pet Peeve... If you ask me a qn..WAIT for me to ans..If you didnt want my ans to begin with, don't ask... Was so glad that Arfah was messaging me during dinner..I was so disappointed and angry.. I just kept quiet..So my dad asked me what are my plans with my friends and also what I did today..and he was like..wah they spent so much time with you..OKies lah I was so pissed I became sarcastic and said.."well, we can choose our friends, I wldnt want to spend time with ppl who didn't think I mattered or put the time". I kept quiet after that..and he tried to make short conversation.. Whatever lah.. And so I tik he cld sense that I was pissed lah.. Pls lah I am seldom sarcastic..but here I was so sarcastic and quiet.. So anyway, we went for dessert. ANd guess what Mum was all "oh... I am so tired blah blah blah.....But we went anyway.. Mum actually slept while Dad and Brother waited in line.. Wah kao.. Ok lor fine you don't want to talk and you want to show how tired you are..fine... I can't be bothered. And Mum went all like..oh no I don't want this I don't want that..It pissed Dad...and I was trying so hard okies not to burst out crying and just walk out of the dinner. .. it was the most horrid experience.... PLs lah if you are really tired..and don't want to put in the effort..then Don't.. Seriously... Crap... I didn't even bother to cut the cake lah.. Darrn it..I wun even touch it..Call it being petty..What the Hell.. I am entitled to being angry too.. Whatever lah.. But for the sake of my brothers and father I just tried to joke and all.. Guess what..I got so sad at home when my mum took this card that she bought but had not even written anything in it..PLs lah..Can't even spend some time is it ?? Is that all that I am worth.. I can't stand it.. I always have to put up the happy brave front and comfort everyone at home.. Yesh I admit I am lucky..But ppl don't see the effort that I put in.. And seriously, My family esp my parents have been taking me for granted.. Yesh its true..my mum wld sometimes msg me telling me what a wonderful daugther I am..blah..blah..to me..talk is cheap.. If anyone realli know me.. They wld know I dun reli care for presents..at the end of the day, spending QUALITY time with ppl I love and ppl who matter to me..that is what i crave for and want.. Maybe for some one bdae (My parents) I sld jus not bother..But I don't have the heart to do that.. Arrghh..Tommorrow wld be a better day.. Mum went .. oh tom, we do something, I pass you belated present. I just went...No, I spending time with my SW friends. FULL STOP. and I looked away.. WHATEVER!! I can't stand not being treasured... Arrghh..Not with money and all.. But seriously with heartfelt, sincere attention.
May tommorrow be a beter day.. I starting work!!! and I am 23 now
Monday, December 11, 2006
1. A meal /coffee with my friends to just catch up
2. Dior charm-bracelet gloss
3. Bvlgari Perfume - Rose
4. Clinique Happy Heart
5. A make up set - with the works of lip gloss, blusher, eye shadow... Lancome/Mac/Dior/Estee
6. Handphone Bracelet Strap from Coach - Pink Colour Pluuuzz (all Liling's fault I love her handphone strap)
7. Voucher from Dorothy Perkins / Metro / Marks & Spencer - So I can Shop for FREE!!!
~~~~ hehehe Shameless Firdawati signing out!!! :)
Crossing fingers that Mum will be alright and come up victorious! Insya Allah...
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Anyway, back to the driving.. Guess what comes to my mind.. K let's see who I can call when I just feel like talking... SO I dialed a few numbers. Guess what...those ppl whom I tot wld not answer my call did and those I really tot would answer my call didn't... Not that I blame them lah cos I know that everyone got their own things to handle...
Ok let's detour again to what I was thinking.. So after I make the phone calls, I really thought about Erik Erikson's developmental theory... I am currently at the stage where I either find intimacy or isolation... While I don't entirely agree... I think Mr Erikson is rite ey... Cos I do find myself feeling lonely at times... And I do yearn for that special someone I can share milestones with, can talk with, someone who can really understand me and not judge me... hahhaa But I know that at this stage, I am grappling with the transition from work to school and finding out who I really am... Haiz.. But somehow I wonder.. Ok..then... I started to think of a pretty old old boy band - CODE RED... hahhaa... The good old secondary school times where I would yack on the phone for hours with so many many different people and did not feel lonely but oh so popular and wanted.. Ok back to CODE RED.. I thought about the song --- Is there someone out there, someone who cares for me, someone through the good and bad times too, is there someone out there, is it you? Sometimes I wonder, did I make the right decision to let him go? But I know I did.. cos that is me thinking when I am utterly lonely and it's neither fair to him nor good for me..
Life goes on.. My collegue who has become a friend to me said, TOmmorrow comes and tommorrow would be a better day... Insya Allah, God Willing, Tommorrow will be a better day..
Okies Now I feel good and sleepy... Weee...
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I was so stressed today... of where to go ahead from Friday... I made the hard decision of calling the client's aunt.. and I am glad I did.. I tik things work in many different ways.. and all I can say is that the help the person should have received..the person is finally receiving..
Slowly.. after riding this huge hump... I think I have grown... And I am extremely glad for the support of the management.. because I think people not in the job would not be able to understand the nature of the job, however they try to be supportive..
Right now, I am just trying very hard to remain and be as good a worker as I can.. and holding on to the belief "There is a Light at the end of the tunnel"...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
I need to also learn not to be too tough on myself. Need to give myself time to adapt and learn. At the end of the day, I need to remember that work will never end. But just give your best and no regrets. Tommorrow shall be a better day and a new start :)
I also think that I haven treated / considered myself well and in a way, it affects my confidence. The increase in my weight (oh yesh Seriee...it has sky rocketed) is affecting me. But I think I have become less proactive these days. Gone are the days where I would get off my bum and do something about it. But it/s not the end as yet. Life is a continuous journey.
Lately, dunno why I am feeling rather lonely in all these busy-NESS. Sounds like an oxy-moron but it's truly how I feel at certain points of the day. How do I solve this problem? It's a nagging feeling at times which sometimes drive me mad.
I think i also haven taken stock of the good things that have happened in my life and allowing the negative thoughts to get to me. I shall learn how to live with life's OKs. I dun need the high highs to feel wonderful. I shall learn how to be contented with the simple, day to day adventures and beauty that life brings me. This does not mean I am settling. Or Does it??? Adulthood and work, is really making me question and tampering my idealistic beliefs.
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD FIRDAWATI!!!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Things will ride out
And everything will pass it's time..
Dunno why..But somehow..The friendship feels similar
But It Aint No longer the Same..
I dunno if It's just me
Or a natural progression of life..
But I tik I've tried..
Or perhaps..It's cause I am going thro a different type of line
and they still share the same path..
Today's meeting just felt different.
Dunno if it's me
Or it's just that they were tired..
Sunday, September 10, 2006
This job is proving to be such a great learning experience..I am learning about other ppl's values, learning how to be more empathetic to other ppl, and most importantly, learning more about myself..
Btw... donno why but suddenly...or for the past 2 days.. I just feel like I wanna fall in love.. Kwang kwang kwang..Is it the stress or the pms?? Bah!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Anyways... I don't really know why but I start finding myself worrying too much. This is such an irony since I have been telling so many of my friends not to worry so much la..dis la..and well the list goes on... And what have I been worrying about?? Well I shall put a list up later.. Not really sure if its consequential or non-consequential stuff... I worry about whether my work is good enough, whether ppl in the office find me ok, whether I am rubbing people the wrong way, whether I have been too loud in the office, whether the decisions the team made and I later carry out are ok, whether the parents and my client like me, whether I am good enough for the job, or whether I am doing enough for my clients..and the list goes on.. Am I PMSing?? I really don't know and I don't think so. It could be that the workload is increasing and I could be starting to feel the pressure.. Whatever it is..I hope I get the strength to go on..and do the best for my clients..
Oh, and today as I was worrying about being worried..I came across this short clip.. so apt I must say... Worrying too much about how others perceive you could hold up your progress considerably. You can't let popular opinion shape your decisions -- it may seem like an easy way out, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you desire and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your ideals.
Well..what can I say.. I can be a worry-wot lah.. I shall go now..start doing the ammendments for my report which I didn't do yesterday cos' I wasn't feeling too good..
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Well for me, working life has been good.... So far so good... I enjoy what I am doing.. The pace is fast, but I find it pretty exciting and there are some nice people there... Well apparently, there is office politics, but I haven't found myself in any...and I don't think I want to be part of any either.. Then again.. there have always been politics since the day I entered kindergarten.. I don't like you.. You are my best friend.. I am in the same group as..etc.. and the list goes on.. But I am rather thankful that the politics where I am working is not so pronounced.. Either that or I am a pretty blur sotong... (what's new right??)... People have come up and tell me not to be too naive..and that my way of thinking is a bit too idealistic and might not work.. But then..As I told Ephraim before, I rather get some occasional knocks in life...than to lead my life not trusting anyone... But now..being an adult..I do think a bit lah before I say anything.. I also wanna minimise trouble.. Am I contradicting myself?? Well life's a contradiction anyways...
Oh Sugeeta dear.. I haven't updated by blog..not cos' it has died but laziness lah dear.. So glad you lefta comment.. so ..will I see you in school on Wednesday?? For the social work gathering. cum send of party??
Oh..ok let's go back to working life *stream of conciousness approach*..Working life is swell.. I like the fact that my parents no longer treat me like a little kid and I feel like I have spread my wings and am flying.. (Mariah Carey Song in my brain...Spread your wings and prepare to fly..for you and me become a butterfly...oh oh..fly up to the sky..)... Feels good that I no longer feel like I need to prove something to them.. And in a way..I am feeling sooo free, in terms of spirit..that I have ever felt before.. I just feel that I don't have to prove anything to anyone..I only have to prove something to myself..Best!!! And the fact that I am not attached.. I feel so free seh.. different days, meet different groups of friends, not having to think of another person.. Goodness.. But me and Rachel have a secret plan..shall see when it happens..then I shall blog about it..
Oh yeah.. tho' life is... well..good now, there are some things which gets to me.. and I really wanna thank my dear frens who allow me to rant and rave and still love me, and enable me to project a sane image of myself to the world!! Love you Mushi *the phonecalls are wonderful.. Arfah and Non..for the makan time.. Racheal..nice lunch break gal.. Liling & JT for the suppers...
Till next time..It ain't goodbye...More like see you soon!!!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Nice?? Well I didn't put names lah given that there are so many pictures..But one thing is for sure.. I am in every one of them!!! Gerek!! Best...
Well.. I have been wanting to put up these pictures for ages..But tiredness, laziness and just sheer well procrastination have prevented me from doing so.. I still got so many which I didn't upload..it takes a blarddy long time..
Well..I am enjoying working life.. It's different from schooling life.. But the fact that I don't get so much 'me' time and enjoy the company of my friends ever so often do get to me sometimes.. But I know my frens are there if I need them.. Thank you you darlings.. I shall make the effort to at least see you or catch up with the happenings of your life.. PLEASE PLEASE ok.. don't be a stranger just cos' you don't see me around anymore..
TIll the next time.. Love you people..miss you all so much..and yesh..responsibility and adulthood ain't a piece of cake....
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
And so.. time has passed by so so fast.. And I am kinda getting used to the whole idea of work.. it's different from studying..but it is fun in it's own right..
Btw..I got my graduation gown already.. so nice..exciting man.. haiz..can't wait!!! Rite now.. I am really blessed..Life is alright..It's just perfect..with only minor irritations along the way... as the McDonalds commercial would say..."I'm Loving It!"
Friday, June 09, 2006
On to my holiday in Bali...I had a very good time.. Unadulterated free time with my family.. I swam, went to visit the mountains (kintamani).. had some delicious food.. and well it's back to home..
Will be starting work on Monday.. First day of work.. since it's the first day of work.. dad said that he will send me so that I will not be late.. Haiz..I dun think I will be driving to work for some time.. Dun have parking subsidy (transponder) I think... to park there for 6-7 hrs while working.. wah how much will that cost..hum.. gotto find that one out.. humm.. dunno why but there are times that I feel very scared about starting work.. will I like it there? can I manage? I guess the questions are very natural since working will be a new experience..
Oh.. and cleaning my room.. it ain't so bad now.. but it is still messy.. dunno why lah but I just hate cleaning oh so much!!! and I have this very bad tendency of not throwing things away... like karang guni.. everything also I wanna keep..
Friday, June 02, 2006
(Andrea posing) (Arfah, me and Nornie... Shaky photo courtesy of Andrea)
Well... Thursday was soooo SUPER fun.. Many many thanks to my ultra 'on' friends Andrea, Arfah and Nornie who followed me ice-skating...I've been wanting to do that for such a long time.. and I finally got to do it yesterday..Well.. ANdrea chickened out after 1 hr of ice-skating cos she fell...(hey..it's just ONE time babe)...me and Nornie hit a collision course with each other cos' I wanted to fulfill Arfah's trilogy twirling fantasy (u gotto be there to understand it).. Besides that..we went for lunch..had kaya toast...yack yack and yack some more..
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
This entry is exclusively for my darling, true, good friend ARFAH! Arfah my dear friend, I can't believe that you didn't think that I do not consider you as a true friend just because I didn't put your name up on my previous post of 'true friends'... My entries are all written on a whim..and since there are times when I tend to suffer from memory loss... Any subtractions should be taken with a pinch of salt...So for all and especially you to see... I do OF COURSE consider you as a true and good friend.. Harlow..You are the one I can rant, rant and rave to in any situations..and who allow me to make fun of your singing without taking offence!!! Best per..Mana Boleh Cari Seh Kawan Macam Gini!!
So yeah ARFAH...enjoy the post..Hope this makes your day..I got pictures of you, one from the back, front and side!! Amacam?? Made your day?? (KISSIES)
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
What I saw today reali striked me! If I ever, ever, ever get so 'oh-I-am-So-High-And-mighty', arrogant or even irritating (above my usual tolerant level), my darling frens, please point it out to me, and pull me down to earth.. If ever I do change (cos' I know I ain't perfect) PLS PLS let it only be for the better...
Can't wait ... This whole week booked with activities ... Fun FUn FUn!!!
Friday, May 26, 2006
I learnt so much this semester..I learnt to let go of something that failed.. I learnt what true friendship is.. I made new friends...I got closer to Mushi in one semester knowing so much more about her on a deeper level in one sem than I had did in all the previous years I had knew her combined (loves that babe)... Love you Arafah for forcing me to go to the job interview.. always motivating me even when you got your own issues to handle.. I got in touch with myself again.. stopped blaming.. and realising there ain't any point in blaming..the person moved on..and so should I....I love studyin till late nite with MUSHI, YANI...and Oyeah who COP me place in library... A fren who told me to have faith and believe in my own capabilities..another .. now a best fren in social work telling me to "mai kia" whenever I am a kancheong spider!
I love the fact that life is just beginning... In a way, there is a tinge of regret for missed opportunities..But i believe that everything happens for a reason..It could be worst..I am on a high right now.. I am seeing the world in terms of opportunities and possibilities. Alhamdulilah...
Monday, May 22, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Gotto do some stuff now!!
Ps/ Andrea I think it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO brave of you to go dentist immediately...here coming from a girl who sorta cried in the dentist chair.. I was 22 mind you!! But I don't care..dentist are scary!!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
It just dawned on me how I have been able to engage in rather grown-up discussions with Mum and Dad.. and how, they do see me as an adult now.. and while I like it, it scares me on some front...It scares me when mum reminds me how I should try to be trifty for my own future, how if anything should happen to them, they really hope I will be responsible for my lilest bro (duh!! I will)..but my mum then brought the whole topic about 'changing circumstances' and how.. a change in circumstances can result in one changing one's attitudes, behaviour and basic principles.. I really pray to Allah, that I will not change my attitudes, behaviour and basic principles. And, IF I do, it will only be for the better and not for worst. I really hope that Money will not cause a negative change in me or the people that I love.. because I have learnt that money, both the lack or the sudden gain of it, can bring out both the worst, and the best in people...I pray that I have the strength to bring out the best in myself. It scares me.. it scares me so much..
On another note, my parents remind me..not to spend so much, not to compare with what my friends have ... yeash... I know I do raise about the fact how some frens of mine waste money like water.. and I got a strict budget actually (contracy to popular perceptions) and I have to explain and account for the money I use.. though some how I wished it were different, I like it..because it allows me to remain rooted on the ground.. and allows me to understand the value of money (though I can get quite out of hand sometimes)...
On another, another note... I am rather scared because.. I feel this sense of aimlessness at times. This feeling that I am floating..floating, floating and I don't know where I am going or where I am heading.. I really do not merely want to depend on my parents alone.. The thought of dependency scares me.. I really don't like to depend on anyone actually.. Why?? I think it is due to this inner subconscious of mine.. If you don't depend or expect, you minimise your chances of getting hurt.. you don't expect people to be there for you.. so .. these people can't fail you.. humm.. It just has worked very well for me.. So if my parents are busy, I can handle it alone.. and even be there for my brothers. If my friends are too busy, I can handle things alone and issues are cool.. and If I can't depend on my classmates or anyone for that matter, it doesn't or will not surprise me that people don't keep to their words.. An in-built mechanism you might say.. Perhaps it is..Perhaps it is.. Is it good?? I don't really know.. Sometimes, it can make me really dominating, and I fear to just let go.. and chill.. and truly trust.... humm...
Oh yeah.. and I realised, my worst-est pet peeve is people who are INSINCERE!!! arrghhh!! I hate it... TRULY TRULY hate it.. PLs lah huh.. I think the best lesson anyone can ever learn is that they are not competing with anyone but themself!!! Learnt that lesson.. ANd only after a person learns that lesson, can they be happy for another person's achievement and not poke fun or poke sarcasm, or act worried... ACT!!!
I learnt that my mum can be freaking sarcastic.. and that lady... deserves it.. though I must admit it is rather tough..hahhahaa... I bet she is shocked and probably talking about my mum.. BAH! what else is new.. GOOOOO MUM!! I lurve it that my mum can be sarcastic for me!!! oh yeah I learnt that when people are mean, they should be put into their place..
On another, another, another note..After helping to prepare for sooo many weddings, my mum keeps on talking what she will do when I get married.. isn't it scary.. my mum is preparing for my not-even-in-the-near-future wedding..I am not even doing that.. ARGGHH.. she plans for what she wants to serve and how many ppl she wants to invite....hahha I dun realli care what she wants to serve.. as long as it's in pink I am happy..... and the guests come in pink, white, or maroon..
On another, another, another, another note.. ppl have been asking my mum whether I am attached.. and whether I finished schooling (**the do you mind if I pair her with someone I know leading qn)...So I got used to it.. and after discussing it with her.. she says, that I am not.. and that I have just finished schooling and if I am still not attached by 28, she is allowed (by me) to pick a few suitors for me to choose from... see... everyone is happy.. Call me old fashion but I truly believe that my parents (and most parents) want the best for their children..that leaves me...5 years to find a partner...hahhahaha by myself..shessh.. I am getting on in years.. suddenly 28 doesn't seem so far..... But i guess its cool though. I told my mum what I want in a man.. and she herself thinks my standards are way too high.. hahhahahahahaa but she agrees with them... So ... what do I want in a man??
- when I mean self assuaredness, I do not mean the 'oh-so-cocky' I got my nose in the air kinda man.. Blurrghh.. Arrogant man turns me off.. I want a Man who is silently confident..He doesn't feel like he needs to prove anything to anyone but only to himself.
- Naturally, a man who is self assuared, would be able to handle opposing opinions, he wouldn't need to guard his territory (in all sense of the word). He wouldn't find the need to diss anyone just because their ideas or opinions are different and he will still find the strength in him to continue with his ideas with full vigor even when the rest of the world doesnt believe him.. not beause of anything else but because he knows he is doing what is right..
- A self assuared Man, would also be capable and able to respect me.. Respect me as a lady, ad a person..and most importantly, respect me as a Partner.. No double standard (in the sense that he can do something while I can), he won't ask me to put my dreams on hold just to fulfill his..and he will push me and allow me to fly and succeed..
- the best part about a self-assuared Man?? He can trust me..and he will trust me.. because he is so comfortable with himself..and he knows that while I can be away.. at the end of the day, I have chose him and love him for what he is..
A simple trait/behaviour/personality...not so.. It is very very very hard to find a Man who is truly self assuared.. yesh, I do agree we have our moments of self-doubt..who doesn't?? But on the whole..he is self-assuared..most of the time..and the times he is filled with self-doubt, I will then nurse his ego....
Swoonz!!! hahhaha... Is there such a Man out there??? oh btw.. the saying that your other half or your loved one is just round the corner, is truly dumb... and if it is true.. and you know where my other half is.. can you pls tell him to either 1) come out of the corner and say hi to me 2) tell me where he is..so that I can say hi to him..and tell him to quit standing in the corner..
Now i sound like a lovelorn person.. oh well.. my blog is supposed to be written on a whim anyway.. FUN!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Saturday, was another swell day.. Started with brunch/lunch (ok.. so you can see that I can't wake up before 11.. I just can't get out of the bed!! Dunno why.. Perhaps gravity is strongest in the morning?? That's a theory??) at Lot One with Wak Oyah (her real name I dun reali know), Sandrin, my Nonoi, Kak Ikin and her family and my grandparents.. Was real nice I tell you.. Quite fun to start the first meal with so much people, so much food and so much laughter.. After lunch we went to go 'sightseeing' for house for my Nonoi.. and after that.. went back to my place for more hot gossip, yacking, eating, drinking coffee, tea, ribena... talk talk talk.. and then in the later part of the afternoon, we all went to BOWLING... hey, i realised I aint that bad at it.. Dun go into Lonkang ever so often man!! Brilliant! After bowling went back home to Indian food (Mum had pre-called Indian food to be sent over).. we had tulang, mee, mutton chop... yummy.. and then after tat we yaked and yaked some more.. Well... that was real real nice!!!
Sunday.. was another day I spent quality time with my mother.. Went out early with her.. and we made a stopover to shop a little bit (her more than me!) and then we went to pick up my little brother from swimming..after which, we went back, had lunch.. and I taught my brother a little English.. This lil' Peep Squeek is so lazy i tell you!! It's amazing!! Just spend time talking talking after that, watch TV.. and then mum and dad went out to get dinner for us.... then went home and we chat over dinner..
In short, I LURRVVVBBBEEE it, I love spending time with people who make me feel happy... I love spending time with all these marvelous people over the weekend.. Let's do it soon.. :) I love the fact that my mum feels happy spending time with her family.. And tonite..going to send my Auntie off... I've never realli spent so much time with her, and yet, I feel that somehow, I've known her for so long..
On another note.. My brain cells have been hibernating for a bit too long.. they ain't here anymore.. Amacam ni??!! hahah But I can't wait to go out...later.. with my F A M I L Y!!
And then on wednesday I got a social work gathering.. Yeah!! That should be fun...
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me,
Que Sera' Sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's for us to see,
Que Sera' Sera
What will be
Thank you very much to the many words of inspiration.
Thank you Mushi for taking time out from your studyin.. We pig out soon.. And also to my cuz who I was screaming and shouting my lungs out to.
Today, I think, was not a good day.
Humm.. that said and done,
Crossing my fingers, toes and everything I have.
Right now, I need an epiphany... hahhahaa Need to go to Mr Eph..
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Ok and on the exams itself.. I haven been able to properly complete ANY of my exam paper lah.. Every single paper i sat not finish!! Arrghh!! Why why why?? WHere is my bloody time management lah.. Wat the crappy gading ding.. Shitty fied man... For my crisis rite.. I did not complete lah.. For my gender I didnt complete (but this one not so bad..) and then for my mental health today... TOOOOOtaly bad time management ... I left my compulsory qn for later (worth 40 marks by the way) and I only attempted it at the last 30 mins.. Arrghh.. Briliant lah not finished again!!
Ok... So have I learnt my lesson?? No I still think I am a turkey lah.. I got geron paper on Tue which I haven started at all.. and I onli got a freaking B can for my CA.. B... aaggh!! And looking at the things i need to do.. Lagi make me feel like a turkey.. So much to do!! Anyone feeling hungry.. I know it ain't christmas yet.. But anyone wanna slaughter me??
Arafah.. kick my ass again pls.. cos after you told me to study i actually did.. hahhaa :)
(**thinking.. what sound does a turkey make?** Plonk Plonk? Bloog bog bog??)
Agghh I need to get started.. I need to get started.. Kenape ni Firdawati ?? WHy why why?? U siao ah?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Yeah!!! Things are going well.. I am soooo thankful for the supportive people around me.. and something clicked in my head which my mum said to me long time ago...'Only your parents and the people who truly care can be truly happy for your success'.. How true..
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!
FEELING RATHER GOOD ABOUT MYSELF RITE NOW
THERE IS REALLY A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.. IT'S JUST WHETHER YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT AND STRIVE HARD ENOUGH TO GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT!!
oh yeah.. I was bored.. played wrestling with my brother, and i got punched in the abdomen.. it's sore now.. By the same brother who bite my arm in JC 2 till I was blue!! (we were playing Ultraman and raksasa) And I am still feeling sore in the abdomen now..
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
DANNY boy, I AM VERY HONOURED!!!
ps/ you do look nice you know... Smiling can be an alernative to pensive!!!
Monday, April 17, 2006
This song just came to my mind:
Mariah Carey's - Do you know where you're going to? Theme song from Mahagony
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?
Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Okies.. and pls those of you studying with me.. Kick my ass (NOT LITERALLY!!) when I am procrastinating and being lazy pls!!!
Oh yEah ARAFAH!!! KITA BOLEH!!! :)
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Oh yeah.. I reallly like talking to Dr Mehta about my ambitions and dreams.. she is so open about it and so unjudgmental.. Best nyer!!
My head is spinning now tho' time for me to sleep perhaps.. One more essay to go..
Feeling happy rite now and contended..
ps/any lonely souls out there?? hahahhaa.. I need a mate.. hahahha goodness I sound so desperate!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Printing it out now at 6:07 a.m. I haven slept a wink. Got gender class at 10 am.. hahha
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY!
And in the words of best fren (a.k.a. JT) GAMBATTE!!! hahahha
Monday, April 03, 2006
Two more essays to go.. One is social gerontology and the other mental health (hahah hopefully I won't be the mental one!) And I am so thankful to everyone who have helped me in one way or another .. in answering my surveys.. helping me with referral or even words of encouragement.. U know.. I learnt a very humbling lesson from honours.. We don't live alone.. We need help from ppl.. and you know.. I guess whoever said we don't live on an island is true!!
Friday, March 31, 2006
The week is almost coming to an end... Sigh!! And.. the work is not done..
THis is how I looked... fresh rite.. before my FINAL presentation ever as an NUS student... wow WEE... yeah.. was dressed up seh.. But actually I was very blurrrrry.. hahahhaa ANyway... besides some questions from the lecturer.. I think it went swell..
Nice?? Taken with my brother Fadhli when we went out some weeks back!!! He's oh so grown up now!!! hahaha Can still remember him being little and we would go cycling together.. But whatever it is.. I still consider him to be my little brother. and forever think of him as 'little' hahaha and.. being such a good sister that I am.. there are days which I think my antics drive him insane.. But love him lots...
Well.. I am tryin to tie my ISM together and work on my analysis part before I start on my geron paper.. It will be a terribly busy week next week (in the background..some sports day going on..and I think its Fajar..My alma mater.. why? cos got Manta House I heard..and that was my house!! Not that I did anything lah)... Busy Busy Busy..
Oh on a side note.. Took a tiny-weeny break and watched the music video of Jason Mraz.. Geek in the Pink.. oh goodness he is such a drool la can!!! I mean no 1. He can wear pink!! no. 2. He is so cool lah.. I think there is nothing much cooler than a man who is so in touch and confident with who he is and doesn't need to adopt a particular image to boost his ego.. This is such a major major major bonus point.. SO going to get his album..well..when I have the time that is.. Jasan Mraz you pink geek.. Swooonnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Makes me wonder tho.. Why do some guys then try so hard to be something they are not?? Blurrgghh.. Go Geeks!!! Oh yeah on another side note.. My littlest brother.. Is so refusing to wear his plastic glasses cos' some ppl in his class said he looks like a geek.. WTF.. bully my brother.. so I did a little cognitive refraiming.. hahah told him geeks are people too and that they are cool.. and that he looks nice wearing that glasses. SO he asked me.. But only my family thinks I am nice wearing this plastic glasses. So I replied but at the end of the day only your family and your very close friend's opinion matters.. Then he was like why? Because we all love you and we think you look good so only that should matter.. And he smiled can.. Wah.. hahaha so sweet kan... And he wore his plastic glasses to football practice today!! You go lah my litlle brat of a brother... hahahah and if any small malay puny mats wanna kacau him.. You get thro' me first ah.. I soooo.. will not allow anyone to pull the self-esteem down of my brother!!!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
So anyway.. this guy very farnie lah.. I lurrve his quotes... wakkakaa
I think all writers of prose live in a state of induced insanity (J.G. Ballard)
I think I'm either frighteningly sane or incorrigibly mad (Iain Banks)
I can't thin kof any great writers who are sane (Phyllis Naggy)
and he goes on to say... "If we are to be successful writers, it seems we must be prepared to be a little insane"......
So am I going to be a successful write????? I am seriously a little insane now... hahahha
Monday, March 27, 2006
And dear Arafah.. I love you lots.. And I appreciate how you can still think of me and get me a book so useful for me even though you got so much other issues to deal with in your life..
Oh yeah.. and I learnt that there are many different types of friends.. there are some ppl I am forcing myself to think only as 'happy' frens.. seriously.. they can't be bothered and they pretend to be bothered.. Peh!!! Harlow!!! Pe-gi-la!!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.
Things left to be done..
1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper
.... May my internal strength pull me through!!
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)
and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??
1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??
2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs
3. My crisis paper by next monday
4. My gerontology paper
5. My full ISM paper
6. My mental health assignment and presentation..
Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..
Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..
yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??
Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..
Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..
Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..
To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..
So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...
Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..
Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..
I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)
So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...
With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..
And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..
"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....
At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)
Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Well.. things that are happening at school are really dragging me down.. and so I end up whinning and whinning and bitching and whinning..etc. but then, when I read my dear friends Arafah blog today.. I just felt like kicking myself rite up the ass.. I mean.. goodness.. so many more dear things are happening, which can go wrong and do go wrong.. and yet, they still continue living.. and then happened to go thro' a schoolmate's blog who lost her baby.. I mean.. what could be worse for a mother?? Seriously Arafah, yesh, you say that you are not strong, but then, breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means that you are human.. and seriously, that ain't bad rite.. cos we are all humans..
It's a start of a new day.. Insya Allah.. let everything work out well
Friday, March 03, 2006
Well.. today I feel much better..after talking to 2 hrs to Edleen..and she trying to "sell" me some guy at one part of the conversation...hahhahaha Cute lah.. but babe.. thanks.. yOu never seem to fail me.. always there.. Best!!
But I am counting my blessings rite now.. Got lobang for one interview.. Convinent sampling.. But I don't know if it will make my paper gd or whether it will make my paper look like I am just doin interview for the sake of doin it.. get what I mean?!! Rite now, I need to make sure everyting i write, can be related back to social work implications..if not..it will look very sociology or even economics-a like...
Blah.. Goin for dinner tonite.. Wld be a good time to chill.. Tommorrow, is a new day, and today, is going to be good cos' it's what I make out of it..
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Insya Allah... pls let everything work itself out..
This might sound weird.. or that stress and the etc..has got to my brain.. but this wld be such a nice time to develop a crush and fall 'somewhat' in luv.....
Now I sound insane..
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Rite now, things with my ISM.. let's just say I dunt wanna think so much about it. Shall just try my best and do whatever is possible even if it means at the end of the day just relying on secondary data.. But then I know that deep down inside I am very stress.. why?? the appearance of a physiological symptom. Everytime I get really stress, I will get this nagging pain on my right shoulder. Irritating, and yet always serves to remind me to relax, take stock and just do my best.
Being social work trained, I should incorporate what I learn into my psyche.. so here it goes.. self-cognitive behavioural therapy... "the way I think will affect the way I feel".. so I going to think positive, so that I can feel positive, and do work well..
Monday, February 20, 2006
Was a very fun day nevertheless.. And now back to the books.. and like the train leaving the station... I shall start slow but steady..and insya Allah, gain momentum... Chooo...ChooChoo..ChooChooChoo.. (ya get the picture??!!)
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Nice the picture??? I drew it on my new little blackboard! It is supposed to gimme inspiration lah.
Have been such a sotong recently! Super Super punye sotong I tell you.. And I am so fed-up lah with the whole state of affairs..I can't stand it..So.. I am just going to try and believe.. have faith..if everything else fails..at least have faith IN MYSELF that somewhere somehow, I can pull things off.. Insya Allah.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
But you know, the news I heard from Arafah, that her friend's brother passed away, really got to me.. here I am fretting non-stop..about the litte little things in life, and yesh I do so cos I am a whiny human being.. and yet, hearing the news puts things into perspective..there are so much more things more important..and I need to start appreciating my parents, family and close frens more.. all the people who are always helping me and who I have been taking for granted..
And to Ratna, even though I don't really know you or your brother, I have a feeling he was a really nice person, because it was raining the whole of today. May Allah bless his spirit.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
ok.. so here goes.. I hate ppl who are composed of hot air.. what do I mean by hot air.. I mean harlow..if you not sure u can get it.. dun lah go say for certain u can do it.. THAT IS SO MY PET PEEVE.... DUN LIKE HOT AIR AND N.A.T.O!!
I really dun know what to do for tommorrow's ethic handup seh.. Have no clue.. Just goin to write out the questions and hopefully something comes up and everything goes well..
Ya Allah, pls give me the strength..
Still need to read for gender test some more.. insya allah..
Friday, February 03, 2006
Nice?? Nice?? Very angelic kan kan kan.. Hahhaah.. Picture was taken during Arafah's bro wedding..
Having the sunlight shinning behind us.. "Like a ray of light.."
Great I am getting crappy..Need my mcdonalds fix for breakfast..(Arfah..will call u in a while!)
LINDA!! I had fun!! Thanks girl!! I suddenly got Da spirit to do work (spirit~ cos I procrastinated)
Right now, I sound incoherent and crazy.. Oh well..Toodles!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I really feel like my heels have gotten stuck in the stupid crack, and it broke and I am left spinning.. and spinning but there ain't no one there to save me.. AARRGGHHH!!
I am getting so stuck wit my ISM..so stuck that I dun even put in enuf effort or the effort required.. Why? Cos' I am shuttin down on that blarrdy stuff.. shall take a break.. go for a nice dinner.. Hopefully Linda can spur me on!!
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Anyway.. (since I sooo lurve getting lessons out of the unusual things in life) this episode shows... that we can triumph if we really want to so badly.... whatever ppl may think and whatever the odds..
Hopefully.. the fire in my belly will be 're' charged up.. seriously.. I don't know where it has gone lately... been procrastinating lah.. and just taking so long to getting SOME work done...
so yeah.. FIRE UP!!
hahahah that can come later tonite lah.. now goin to dinner with family.... :)
Monday, January 23, 2006
The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself.
Correct ke?? Lor?? Betul ke?? hahhaa but I kinda agree with it!!
okok..this time, I really will get back to work!
Alls Well in my land rite now!! Friends great!! (Thanks Edleen!!) Everything ok on the home front!! and School is currently swell and fine and fun too!!
Adios!! Shall get back to work before goin to school later!! Oh yesh..been sooooo craving for a manicure..Just realised that my nails are really thin!!