Note: I am not depressed, or anxious or feeling in the pits.. These are merely thoughts I had after the post-dinner discussion I had with Dad and Mum.
It just dawned on me how I have been able to engage in rather grown-up discussions with Mum and Dad.. and how, they do see me as an adult now.. and while I like it, it scares me on some front...It scares me when mum reminds me how I should try to be trifty for my own future, how if anything should happen to them, they really hope I will be responsible for my lilest bro (duh!! I will)..but my mum then brought the whole topic about 'changing circumstances' and how.. a change in circumstances can result in one changing one's attitudes, behaviour and basic principles.. I really pray to Allah, that I will not change my attitudes, behaviour and basic principles. And, IF I do, it will only be for the better and not for worst. I really hope that Money will not cause a negative change in me or the people that I love.. because I have learnt that money, both the lack or the sudden gain of it, can bring out both the worst, and the best in people...I pray that I have the strength to bring out the best in myself. It scares me.. it scares me so much..
On another note, my parents remind me..not to spend so much, not to compare with what my friends have ... yeash... I know I do raise about the fact how some frens of mine waste money like water.. and I got a strict budget actually (contracy to popular perceptions) and I have to explain and account for the money I use.. though some how I wished it were different, I like it..because it allows me to remain rooted on the ground.. and allows me to understand the value of money (though I can get quite out of hand sometimes)...
On another, another note... I am rather scared because.. I feel this sense of aimlessness at times. This feeling that I am floating..floating, floating and I don't know where I am going or where I am heading.. I really do not merely want to depend on my parents alone.. The thought of dependency scares me.. I really don't like to depend on anyone actually.. Why?? I think it is due to this inner subconscious of mine.. If you don't depend or expect, you minimise your chances of getting hurt.. you don't expect people to be there for you.. so .. these people can't fail you.. humm.. It just has worked very well for me.. So if my parents are busy, I can handle it alone.. and even be there for my brothers. If my friends are too busy, I can handle things alone and issues are cool.. and If I can't depend on my classmates or anyone for that matter, it doesn't or will not surprise me that people don't keep to their words.. An in-built mechanism you might say.. Perhaps it is..Perhaps it is.. Is it good?? I don't really know.. Sometimes, it can make me really dominating, and I fear to just let go.. and chill.. and truly trust.... humm...
Oh yeah.. and I realised, my worst-est pet peeve is people who are INSINCERE!!! arrghhh!! I hate it... TRULY TRULY hate it.. PLs lah huh.. I think the best lesson anyone can ever learn is that they are not competing with anyone but themself!!! Learnt that lesson.. ANd only after a person learns that lesson, can they be happy for another person's achievement and not poke fun or poke sarcasm, or act worried... ACT!!!
I learnt that my mum can be freaking sarcastic.. and that lady... deserves it.. though I must admit it is rather tough..hahhahaa... I bet she is shocked and probably talking about my mum.. BAH! what else is new.. GOOOOO MUM!! I lurve it that my mum can be sarcastic for me!!! oh yeah I learnt that when people are mean, they should be put into their place..
On another, another, another note..After helping to prepare for sooo many weddings, my mum keeps on talking what she will do when I get married.. isn't it scary.. my mum is preparing for my not-even-in-the-near-future wedding..I am not even doing that.. ARGGHH.. she plans for what she wants to serve and how many ppl she wants to invite....hahha I dun realli care what she wants to serve.. as long as it's in pink I am happy..... and the guests come in pink, white, or maroon..
On another, another, another, another note.. ppl have been asking my mum whether I am attached.. and whether I finished schooling (**the do you mind if I pair her with someone I know leading qn)...So I got used to it.. and after discussing it with her.. she says, that I am not.. and that I have just finished schooling and if I am still not attached by 28, she is allowed (by me) to pick a few suitors for me to choose from... see... everyone is happy.. Call me old fashion but I truly believe that my parents (and most parents) want the best for their children..that leaves me...5 years to find a partner...hahhahaha by myself..shessh.. I am getting on in years.. suddenly 28 doesn't seem so far..... But i guess its cool though. I told my mum what I want in a man.. and she herself thinks my standards are way too high.. hahhahahahahaa but she agrees with them... So ... what do I want in a man??
- when I mean self assuaredness, I do not mean the 'oh-so-cocky' I got my nose in the air kinda man.. Blurrghh.. Arrogant man turns me off.. I want a Man who is silently confident..He doesn't feel like he needs to prove anything to anyone but only to himself.
- Naturally, a man who is self assuared, would be able to handle opposing opinions, he wouldn't need to guard his territory (in all sense of the word). He wouldn't find the need to diss anyone just because their ideas or opinions are different and he will still find the strength in him to continue with his ideas with full vigor even when the rest of the world doesnt believe him.. not beause of anything else but because he knows he is doing what is right..
- A self assuared Man, would also be capable and able to respect me.. Respect me as a lady, ad a person..and most importantly, respect me as a Partner.. No double standard (in the sense that he can do something while I can), he won't ask me to put my dreams on hold just to fulfill his..and he will push me and allow me to fly and succeed..
- the best part about a self-assuared Man?? He can trust me..and he will trust me.. because he is so comfortable with himself..and he knows that while I can be away.. at the end of the day, I have chose him and love him for what he is..
A simple trait/behaviour/personality...not so.. It is very very very hard to find a Man who is truly self assuared.. yesh, I do agree we have our moments of self-doubt..who doesn't?? But on the whole..he is self-assuared..most of the time..and the times he is filled with self-doubt, I will then nurse his ego....
Swoonz!!! hahhaha... Is there such a Man out there??? oh btw.. the saying that your other half or your loved one is just round the corner, is truly dumb... and if it is true.. and you know where my other half is.. can you pls tell him to either 1) come out of the corner and say hi to me 2) tell me where he is..so that I can say hi to him..and tell him to quit standing in the corner..
Now i sound like a lovelorn person.. oh well.. my blog is supposed to be written on a whim anyway.. FUN!