Sunday, March 02, 2008

90% there do I go about typing this entry? dunno.. even though my other entries have largely been a stream of consciousness, there always is a very natural start to them... ok let's start anyhow. Basically from dec until feb, I have had such horrid horrid of horridest times.... very very difficult times. But I had forgotten to take time out during those times to reflect on the good times that I also had during the difficult times. But basically, I think the problems while some were things I could not control, others were also my doing I think. But, in all, I am very happy that I've pulled through, tackled it head on and got my wits around me. I am also very very thankful with the HUGE support that I have received from my collegues and good friends. Everyone have been wonderful in supporting me. I think I am very very blessed. I have some of the BEST-TEST friends EAVER! These are the people who are so god damn supportive of me and at the end of the day, so determined in seeing me happy. So so so blessed in having these people in my inner circle. The words that have really woke me up from my "aa...oh oh I am so down bla bla bla" was a car ride conversation I had with my friend Yat - he told me, you know Wati, in the social service line, I see so many people struggling to just make it or not to go down further and compared to them, our problems are so small. And you know what, HE IS SO RIGHT! really he is...he reli reli reli is. The course I attended - CBT by the CBT centre from NZ also helped A LOT... even though it was for suicidal client, the basic principals and concept, I feel are also applicable to myself in order to have a more positive living to life and feel so overwhelmed.
I've been telling so many people that I am in a limbo, a pitch-forked situation with regards to staying or leaving (in my job) and that being in a limbo had been very tough for me, COS I HATE TO BE IN A LIMBO! I guess that is me, I love absolutes..I hate the grey areas and that's why I grapple cos adulthood and life, fundamentally is about dealing with the grey areas. Ok to cut it short, I think meeting up with Mushi on saturday have been very very helpful too...haha in her sarcastic way, she told me, "Wati, it seems like you already made the choice!" Yup she is right. I think deep inside I HAVE made the decision. I just am so afraid to take the step. And I guess, ironically, it is easier to be in limbo cos' if a mistake is made, one can always point to the fact that one haven't committed to the decision. But, at the end of the day, it is very important to commit, take the step, roll with it, work hard, take things when it comes and more importantly, ENJOY the process and not to forget to smell the flowers and the beautiful life I do have. Even though I kinda have made the decision, the swing vote would depend on my conversation/talk with my manager on wednesday. Once that is done, I probably would make the decision and roll with it! :)

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