Worrying too much

Rite..where shall I begin?? It's sunday.. The rest week... and I think I might be down with something... I dunno why but I am feeling a bit tired this past week.. I just woke up after eating panadols... Worse, I slipped and fell 4 steps... landed myself on the first floor..cos' I tripped on something I was carrying.. So now my back is real sore and the sole of my left foot hurts cos I stepped on the hanger while falling down.. Blarrgh!!

Anyways... I don't really know why but I start finding myself worrying too much. This is such an irony since I have been telling so many of my friends not to worry so much la..dis la..and well the list goes on... And what have I been worrying about?? Well I shall put a list up later.. Not really sure if its consequential or non-consequential stuff... I worry about whether my work is good enough, whether ppl in the office find me ok, whether I am rubbing people the wrong way, whether I have been too loud in the office, whether the decisions the team made and I later carry out are ok, whether the parents and my client like me, whether I am good enough for the job, or whether I am doing enough for my clients..and the list goes on.. Am I PMSing?? I really don't know and I don't think so. It could be that the workload is increasing and I could be starting to feel the pressure.. Whatever it is..I hope I get the strength to go on..and do the best for my clients..

Oh, and today as I was worrying about being worried..I came across this short clip.. so apt I must say... Worrying too much about how others perceive you could hold up your progress considerably. You can't let popular opinion shape your decisions -- it may seem like an easy way out, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you desire and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your ideals.

Well..what can I say.. I can be a worry-wot lah.. I shall go now..start doing the ammendments for my report which I didn't do yesterday cos' I wasn't feeling too good..

Over 2 months of work!!!

Goodness...I just can't believe it...It has been 2 months since I started working... Time really passes by very quickly.... Haiz...

Well for me, working life has been good.... So far so good... I enjoy what I am doing.. The pace is fast, but I find it pretty exciting and there are some nice people there... Well apparently, there is office politics, but I haven't found myself in any...and I don't think I want to be part of any either.. Then again.. there have always been politics since the day I entered kindergarten.. I don't like you.. You are my best friend.. I am in the same group as..etc.. and the list goes on.. But I am rather thankful that the politics where I am working is not so pronounced.. Either that or I am a pretty blur sotong... (what's new right??)... People have come up and tell me not to be too naive..and that my way of thinking is a bit too idealistic and might not work.. But then..As I told Ephraim before, I rather get some occasional knocks in life...than to lead my life not trusting anyone... But now..being an adult..I do think a bit lah before I say anything.. I also wanna minimise trouble.. Am I contradicting myself?? Well life's a contradiction anyways...

Oh Sugeeta dear.. I haven't updated by blog..not cos' it has died but laziness lah dear.. So glad you lefta comment.. so ..will I see you in school on Wednesday?? For the social work gathering. cum send of party??

Oh..ok let's go back to working life *stream of conciousness approach*..Working life is swell.. I like the fact that my parents no longer treat me like a little kid and I feel like I have spread my wings and am flying.. (Mariah Carey Song in my brain...Spread your wings and prepare to fly..for you and me become a butterfly...oh oh..fly up to the sky..)... Feels good that I no longer feel like I need to prove something to them.. And in a way..I am feeling sooo free, in terms of spirit..that I have ever felt before.. I just feel that I don't have to prove anything to anyone..I only have to prove something to myself..Best!!! And the fact that I am not attached.. I feel so free seh.. different days, meet different groups of friends, not having to think of another person.. Goodness.. But me and Rachel have a secret plan..shall see when it happens..then I shall blog about it..

Oh yeah.. tho' life is... well..good now, there are some things which gets to me.. and I really wanna thank my dear frens who allow me to rant and rave and still love me, and enable me to project a sane image of myself to the world!! Love you Mushi *the phonecalls are wonderful.. Arfah and Non..for the makan time.. Racheal..nice lunch break gal.. Liling & JT for the suppers...

Till next time..It ain't goodbye...More like see you soon!!!

CONVOCATION

PICTURES GALORE....






















Nice?? Well I didn't put names lah given that there are so many pictures..But one thing is for sure.. I am in every one of them!!! Gerek!! Best...
Well.. I have been wanting to put up these pictures for ages..But tiredness, laziness and just sheer well procrastination have prevented me from doing so.. I still got so many which I didn't upload..it takes a blarddy long time..

Well..I am enjoying working life.. It's different from schooling life.. But the fact that I don't get so much 'me' time and enjoy the company of my friends ever so often do get to me sometimes.. But I know my frens are there if I need them.. Thank you you darlings.. I shall make the effort to at least see you or catch up with the happenings of your life.. PLEASE PLEASE ok.. don't be a stranger just cos' you don't see me around anymore..

TIll the next time.. Love you people..miss you all so much..and yesh..responsibility and adulthood ain't a piece of cake....

2 Weeks of Work ~ and 3 is coming soon

I can't believe it..really can't belive it.. Time has passed by soooo fast.. I remembered the 1st day.. i was feeling rather apprehensive..new milestone what rite.. so thankful that Edleen talked to me and pscyh me up for an hour..a whole hour you know..and she was at work too herself...then I got home.. and I dunno why but I felt like crying..dunno why also.. so yeah..called Mushi..who gave me a prep talk.. wonderful.. I got the I can do it.. Perhaps it was cos I was alone.. it was a new place..dunno huh.. Then on wednesday.. I met my darlings from social work.. Best fren and Liling..in Toa Payoh..who further psych me up.. telling me that they have faith in me.. I just feel so lucky..so so lucky.. I got wonderful frens who are jus there..Not forgetting the many frens who sms me telling me to have a great day.. to enjoy my new working experience..and that they have faith in my capabilities..thanks yeah..Arfah, Andrea, Nornie, Arafah..etc..

And so.. time has passed by so so fast.. And I am kinda getting used to the whole idea of work.. it's different from studying..but it is fun in it's own right..

Btw..I got my graduation gown already.. so nice..exciting man.. haiz..can't wait!!! Rite now.. I am really blessed..Life is alright..It's just perfect..with only minor irritations along the way... as the McDonalds commercial would say..."I'm Loving It!"

Almost the end of the week

I really had a nice time today.. Started the morning takin my photo.. After which I met Mushi in Payar Lebar... Nope I didn't drive and hence didn't get lost... Farnie thing happen .. I dropped my clam chowder onto Mushi's socks.. hahhahaa.. shall put up the pic of that soon..

On to my holiday in Bali...I had a very good time.. Unadulterated free time with my family.. I swam, went to visit the mountains (kintamani).. had some delicious food.. and well it's back to home..

Will be starting work on Monday.. First day of work.. since it's the first day of work.. dad said that he will send me so that I will not be late.. Haiz..I dun think I will be driving to work for some time.. Dun have parking subsidy (transponder) I think... to park there for 6-7 hrs while working.. wah how much will that cost..hum.. gotto find that one out.. humm.. dunno why but there are times that I feel very scared about starting work.. will I like it there? can I manage? I guess the questions are very natural since working will be a new experience..

Oh.. and cleaning my room.. it ain't so bad now.. but it is still messy.. dunno why lah but I just hate cleaning oh so much!!! and I have this very bad tendency of not throwing things away... like karang guni.. everything also I wanna keep..

Ice Skatin... Fun & Cool Thursday

(Andrea posing)                            (Arfah, me and Nornie... Shaky photo courtesy of Andrea)

Well... Thursday was soooo SUPER fun.. Many many thanks to my ultra 'on' friends Andrea, Arfah and Nornie who followed me ice-skating...I've been wanting to do that for such a long time.. and I finally got to do it yesterday..Well.. ANdrea chickened out after 1 hr of ice-skating cos she fell...(hey..it's just ONE time babe)...me and Nornie hit a collision course with each other cos' I wanted to fulfill Arfah's trilogy twirling fantasy (u gotto be there to understand it).. Besides that..we went for lunch..had kaya toast...yack yack and yack some more..

MY FREN ARFAH

This entry is exclusively for my darling, true, good friend ARFAH!  Arfah my dear friend, I can't believe that you didn't think that I do not consider you as a true friend just because I didn't put your name up on my previous post of 'true friends'... My entries are all written on a whim..and since there are times when I tend to suffer from memory loss... Any subtractions should be taken with a pinch of salt...So for all and especially you to see... I do OF COURSE consider you as a true and good friend.. Harlow..You are the one I can rant, rant and rave to in any situations..and who allow me to make fun of your singing without taking offence!!! Best per..Mana Boleh Cari Seh Kawan Macam Gini!!

So yeah ARFAH...enjoy the post..Hope this makes your day..I got pictures of you, one from the back, front and side!! Amacam?? Made your day?? (KISSIES)

I learnt...

I learnt so much from today... Thank you Arafah for allowing me to be the 'silent watcher'!!! food was yummy and catching up was brilliant!!!

What I saw today reali striked me! If I ever, ever, ever get so 'oh-I-am-So-High-And-mighty', arrogant or even irritating (above my usual tolerant level), my darling frens, please point it out to me, and pull me down to earth.. If ever I do change (cos' I know I ain't perfect) PLS PLS let it only be for the better...

Can't wait ... This whole week booked with activities ... Fun FUn FUn!!!

Very Blessed

I am thankful. Feeling realli blessed rite now... Seriously. Results are out today... Fought tooth and nail.. studied so hard and gave my all studying. Alhamdulilah.. managed to raise my cap..enough to get me the class of honours I want. I am real thankful.

I learnt so much this semester..I learnt to let go of something that failed.. I learnt what true friendship is.. I made new friends...I got closer to Mushi in one semester knowing so much more about her on a deeper level in one sem than I had did in all the previous years I had knew her combined (loves that babe)... Love you Arafah for forcing me to go to the job interview.. always motivating me even when you got your own issues to handle.. I got in touch with myself again.. stopped blaming.. and realising there ain't any point in blaming..the person moved on..and so should I....I love studyin till late nite with MUSHI, YANI...and Oyeah who COP me place in library... A fren who told me to have faith and believe in my own capabilities..another .. now a best fren in social work telling me to "mai kia" whenever I am a kancheong spider!

I love the fact that life is just beginning... In a way, there is a tinge of regret for missed opportunities..But i believe that everything happens for a reason..It could be worst..I am on a high right now.. I am seeing the world in terms of opportunities and possibilities. Alhamdulilah...

Thankful

I AM VERY THANKFUL!

I HOPE THIS IS THE RIGHT PATH FOR ME!

I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN ME AND TELL ME TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

THANK U!

I realised

I realised that when one looks at a world in a particular tinted lense.. the rest of the world cannot change the way they perceive things... I know that everyone of us have our own tinted lenses by which we view the world... It's just human nature...I really hope that even with my particular tinted lense..I will be able to treat people rather fairly...I will not be so blind..and I can just well..be fair.. Today..I have witnessed how someone, can just be somewhere..words saying something else and yet feeling something else..Incongruency as counselling would call it.. But from my part..It doesn't really feel particularly good..to be the one there and yet.. the other person keep on asking and asking for someone else.. Seriously...I can't even imagine how it was or is for my mum and aunts for that matter... humm... On a side note, I realised I am so blessed.. I am very thankful...Thanks for the kind words of dear friends..

Gotto do some stuff now!!

Ps/ Andrea I think it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO brave of you to go dentist immediately...here coming from a girl who sorta cried in the dentist chair.. I was 22 mind you!! But I don't care..dentist are scary!!

Pondering...

Note: I am not depressed, or anxious or feeling in the pits.. These are merely thoughts I had after the post-dinner discussion I had with Dad and Mum.

It just dawned on me how I have been able to engage in rather grown-up discussions with Mum and Dad.. and how, they do see me as an adult now.. and while I like it, it scares me on some front...It scares me when mum reminds me how I should try to be trifty for my own future, how if anything should happen to them, they really hope I will be responsible for my lilest bro (duh!! I will)..but my mum then brought the whole topic about 'changing circumstances' and how.. a change in circumstances can result in one changing one's attitudes, behaviour and basic principles.. I really pray to Allah, that I will not change my attitudes, behaviour and basic principles. And, IF I do, it will only be for the better and not for worst. I really hope that Money will not cause a negative change in me or the people that I love.. because I have learnt that money, both the lack or the sudden gain of it, can bring out both the worst, and the best in people...I pray that I have the strength to bring out the best in myself. It scares me.. it scares me so much..

On another note, my parents remind me..not to spend so much, not to compare with what my friends have ... yeash... I know I do raise about the fact how some frens of mine waste money like water.. and I got a strict budget actually (contracy to popular perceptions) and I have to explain and account for the money I use.. though some how I wished it were different, I like it..because it allows me to remain rooted on the ground.. and allows me to understand the value of money (though I can get quite out of hand sometimes)...

On another, another note... I am rather scared because.. I feel this sense of aimlessness at times. This feeling that I am floating..floating, floating and I don't know where I am going or where I am heading.. I really do not merely want to depend on my parents alone.. The thought of dependency scares me.. I really don't like to depend on anyone actually.. Why?? I think it is due to this inner subconscious of mine.. If you don't depend or expect, you minimise your chances of getting hurt.. you don't expect people to be there for you.. so .. these people can't fail you.. humm.. It just has worked very well for me.. So if my parents are busy, I can handle it alone.. and even be there for my brothers. If my friends are too busy, I can handle things alone and issues are cool.. and If I can't depend on my classmates or anyone for that matter, it doesn't or will not surprise me that people don't keep to their words.. An in-built mechanism you might say.. Perhaps it is..Perhaps it is.. Is it good?? I don't really know.. Sometimes, it can make me really dominating, and I fear to just let go.. and chill.. and truly trust.... humm...

Oh yeah.. and I realised, my worst-est pet peeve is people who are INSINCERE!!! arrghhh!! I hate it... TRULY TRULY hate it.. PLs lah huh.. I think the best lesson anyone can ever learn is that they are not competing with anyone but themself!!! Learnt that lesson.. ANd only after a person learns that lesson, can they be happy for another person's achievement and not poke fun or poke sarcasm, or act worried... ACT!!!

I learnt that my mum can be freaking sarcastic.. and that lady... deserves it.. though I must admit it is rather tough..hahhahaa... I bet she is shocked and probably talking about my mum.. BAH! what else is new.. GOOOOO MUM!! I lurve it that my mum can be sarcastic for me!!! oh yeah I learnt that when people are mean, they should be put into their place..

On another, another, another note..After helping to prepare for sooo many weddings, my mum keeps on talking what she will do when I get married.. isn't it scary.. my mum is preparing for my not-even-in-the-near-future wedding..I am not even doing that.. ARGGHH.. she plans for what she wants to serve and how many ppl she wants to invite....hahha I dun realli care what she wants to serve.. as long as it's in pink I am happy..... and the guests come in pink, white, or maroon..

On another, another, another, another note.. ppl have been asking my mum whether I am attached.. and whether I finished schooling (**the do you mind if I pair her with someone I know leading qn)...So I got used to it.. and after discussing it with her.. she says, that I am not.. and that I have just finished schooling and if I am still not attached by 28, she is allowed (by me) to pick a few suitors for me to choose from... see... everyone is happy.. Call me old fashion but I truly believe that my parents (and most parents) want the best for their children..that leaves me...5 years to find a partner...hahhahaha by myself..shessh.. I am getting on in years.. suddenly 28 doesn't seem so far..... But i guess its cool though. I told my mum what I want in a man.. and she herself thinks my standards are way too high.. hahhahahahahaa but she agrees with them... So ... what do I want in a man??

SELF ASSUAREDNESS

- when I mean self assuaredness, I do not mean the 'oh-so-cocky' I got my nose in the air kinda man.. Blurrghh.. Arrogant man turns me off.. I want a Man who is silently confident..He doesn't feel like he needs to prove anything to anyone but only to himself.

- Naturally, a man who is self assuared, would be able to handle opposing opinions, he wouldn't need to guard his territory (in all sense of the word). He wouldn't find the need to diss anyone just because their ideas or opinions are different and he will still find the strength in him to continue with his ideas with full vigor even when the rest of the world doesnt believe him.. not beause of anything else but because he knows he is doing what is right..

- A self assuared Man, would also be capable and able to respect me.. Respect me as a lady, ad a person..and most importantly, respect me as a Partner.. No double standard (in the sense that he can do something while I can), he won't ask me to put my dreams on hold just to fulfill his..and he will push me and allow me to fly and succeed..

- the best part about a self-assuared Man?? He can trust me..and he will trust me.. because he is so comfortable with himself..and he knows that while I can be away.. at the end of the day, I have chose him and love him for what he is..

A simple trait/behaviour/personality...not so.. It is very very very hard to find a Man who is truly self assuared.. yesh, I do agree we have our moments of self-doubt..who doesn't?? But on the whole..he is self-assuared..most of the time..and the times he is filled with self-doubt, I will then nurse his ego....

Swoonz!!! hahhaha... Is there such a Man out there??? oh btw.. the saying that your other half or your loved one is just round the corner, is truly dumb... and if it is true.. and you know where my other half is.. can you pls tell him to either 1) come out of the corner and say hi to me 2) tell me where he is..so that I can say hi to him..and tell him to quit standing in the corner..

Now i sound like a lovelorn person.. oh well.. my blog is supposed to be written on a whim anyway.. FUN!

I'm LOVING It

It's been really swell post-exams.. I have never spent so much time (really free, unadultarated-i am not thinking of some other things) with my family... and of course when I mean family, it means people who matter (there are some people who unfortunately are by blood related to me, but I dun realli have any affections for them)... Anyway.... Friday started well.. I had lunch/brunch with Mushi .. We had soooo much Japanese food.. and obviously after spending so much money, I got broke.. hahah and Mushi too.. so next time I go out, I will need to eat Long John; no upsize... Blah... I need cash man... Wld probably do some "Last Min" English Tuition stint.. hahaha can charge a lot for that... Oh yeah... I saw this reallliiiiii nice black stileto (covered) with small dimonte on it.. real georgeous I tell you.. Oh so ..Swooonz kind of georgeous... I LIKE LIKE... But it's 60+ so yeah.. rite now, It's way above my budget.. Anyway Mushi.. Thanks so much for spending nice and quality time with me!! It's so sweet to be studying together and then enjoying the end of the exams together.. gEREK!! :)

Saturday, was another swell day.. Started with brunch/lunch (ok.. so you can see that I can't wake up before 11.. I just can't get out of the bed!! Dunno why.. Perhaps gravity is strongest in the morning?? That's a theory??) at Lot One with Wak Oyah (her real name I dun reali know), Sandrin, my Nonoi, Kak Ikin and her family and my grandparents.. Was real nice I tell you.. Quite fun to start the first meal with so much people, so much food and so much laughter.. After lunch we went to go 'sightseeing' for house for my Nonoi.. and after that.. went back to my place for more hot gossip, yacking, eating, drinking coffee, tea, ribena... talk talk talk.. and then in the later part of the afternoon, we all went to BOWLING... hey, i realised I aint that bad at it.. Dun go into Lonkang ever so often man!! Brilliant! After bowling went back home to Indian food (Mum had pre-called Indian food to be sent over).. we had tulang, mee, mutton chop... yummy.. and then after tat we yaked and yaked some more.. Well... that was real real nice!!!

Sunday.. was another day I spent quality time with my mother.. Went out early with her.. and we made a stopover to shop a little bit (her more than me!) and then we went to pick up my little brother from swimming..after which, we went back, had lunch.. and I taught my brother a little English.. This lil' Peep Squeek is so lazy i tell you!! It's amazing!! Just spend time talking talking after that, watch TV.. and then mum and dad went out to get dinner for us.... then went home and we chat over dinner..

In short, I LURRVVVBBBEEE it, I love spending time with people who make me feel happy... I love spending time with all these marvelous people over the weekend.. Let's do it soon.. :) I love the fact that my mum feels happy spending time with her family.. And tonite..going to send my Auntie off... I've never realli spent so much time with her, and yet, I feel that somehow, I've known her for so long..

On another note.. My brain cells have been hibernating for a bit too long.. they ain't here anymore.. Amacam ni??!! hahah But I can't wait to go out...later.. with my F A M I L Y!!
And then on wednesday I got a social work gathering.. Yeah!! That should be fun...

Que` Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me,
Que Sera' Sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's for us to see,
Que Sera' Sera
What will be
WILL BE.

Thank you very much to the many words of inspiration.
Thank you Mushi for taking time out from your studyin.. We pig out soon.. And also to my cuz who I was screaming and shouting my lungs out to.
Today, I think, was not a good day.

Humm.. that said and done,
Crossing my fingers, toes and everything I have.
Right now, I need an epiphany... hahhahaa Need to go to Mr Eph..

BYE BYE

NA NA NA NA .. NA NA NA NA.. HEY HEY HEY GOOD BYE... NA NA NA NA..NA NA NA NA.. HEY HEY HEY GOOD BYE!!!

Turkey

I think I am a TURKEY!! Yeah that is what I consider myself.. A turkey.. Why? I know what I am supposed to do.. But i decide not to face it.. I dunno why.. But i am reallllliiiii lazy ok this semester in studying for my exams.. Oh goodness. and Then what happen?? I panic.. I distract myself ... I panic... and finally ok.. i get started.. But alhamdulilah.. I have been reali lucky that I get that spark at the 11th hour.. Super the lucky..

Ok and on the exams itself.. I haven been able to properly complete ANY of my exam paper lah.. Every single paper i sat not finish!! Arrghh!! Why why why?? WHere is my bloody time management lah.. Wat the crappy gading ding.. Shitty fied man... For my crisis rite.. I did not complete lah.. For my gender I didnt complete (but this one not so bad..) and then for my mental health today... TOOOOOtaly bad time management ... I left my compulsory qn for later (worth 40 marks by the way) and I only attempted it at the last 30 mins.. Arrghh.. Briliant lah not finished again!!

Ok... So have I learnt my lesson?? No I still think I am a turkey lah.. I got geron paper on Tue which I haven started at all.. and I onli got a freaking B can for my CA.. B... aaggh!! And looking at the things i need to do.. Lagi make me feel like a turkey.. So much to do!! Anyone feeling hungry.. I know it ain't christmas yet.. But anyone wanna slaughter me??

Arafah.. kick my ass again pls.. cos after you told me to study i actually did.. hahhaa :)

(**thinking.. what sound does a turkey make?** Plonk Plonk? Bloog bog bog??)
Agghh I need to get started.. I need to get started.. Kenape ni Firdawati ?? WHy why why?? U siao ah?

Worry Wot

Seriously I tik i am a worry wot!! I am such such such such a worry wot la.. But I am very very thankful that the people around me are very kind and understanding of the fact that I do get very 'kancheong spider' at times.. But truth be told.. I just externalise my worry cos' I dun like to keep things in my system.. So after running around like a 'headless chicken', I am ok.. Haiz.. hahahhaa But I got to stop doin that and get a grip on things.. Tommorrow is my mental health paper.. I am not that confident of it tho' but i need to get my tot's together and try to do my best....

;)

Will make it a short entry cos' I actually need to study... The retail therapy was soooo therapeutic!! hahha It lasted for onli 20 mins but oh my goodness.. the feeling of buying something then paying... Oh wow.. especially if it's make-up!! I bought a new mascara and design face colour.. hahah i wanted a highlighter n bronzer all in one and this fits perfectly well.. But yeah I am soooo super broke!

Yeah!!! Things are going well.. I am soooo thankful for the supportive people around me.. and something clicked in my head which my mum said to me long time ago...'Only your parents and the people who truly care can be truly happy for your success'.. How true..

Alhamdulilah!

Paradox

PARADOX OF CONTRADICTION!
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!
FEELING RATHER GOOD ABOUT MYSELF RITE NOW
THERE IS REALLY A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.. IT'S JUST WHETHER YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT AND STRIVE HARD ENOUGH TO GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT!!

oh yeah.. I was bored.. played wrestling with my brother, and i got punched in the abdomen.. it's sore now.. By the same brother who bite my arm in JC 2 till I was blue!! (we were playing Ultraman and raksasa) And I am still feeling sore in the abdomen now..

My fren DANNY

My fren Danny doesn't like to smile.. He really doesn't. But he is a very nice guy once you get to know him... and what actually started out as a mere joke/request (yup that is rite Danny boy even if you didn't do it, it will still be ok), he did.. ahhaha and when I went to just check out his blog at 3.07.... to my surprise.. there is a smiling face of Danny!!!

DANNY boy, I AM VERY HONOURED!!!

ps/ you do look nice you know... Smiling can be an alernative to pensive!!!

SCARED

I am SCARED!.. Yup... scared that is what I am.. I am scared becos' I really don't know where I am headed to after NUS.. I am scared because I don't want a job that I do just for the sake of money. I am scared because I think so many things have changed. I am scared because I feel that people I know have grown up in one way or another and a huge part of me want things to remain the way they have always been. I am scared because I want so much for myself. I am scared because I think that I have in a way become a very different person. I am scared because, well before J.C. no one really expected anything from me.. It was ok for me to do badly. ANd then from then on, everything seems possible. Before JC, I had NEVER dreamt of goin into uni .. never... it wasn't it my repertoire of speech even.. ever.. hais.. and now I am exitin from NUS soon.. As much as I am proud of myself, I just feel that the undergrad life has been fun.. and there is just so much more that I could have done that I didn't .. I feel like I wasted so much time I don't know doing what... I am scared.. Will there be friendships to be made in the 'real world'? Are people mean out there? Will I be able to keep the friendships that I have all these years with all my wonderful good friends of mine? Honours year also marked new friendships, and truth be told, I would have hoped to have the chance to meet all of you earlier.. But I am sure everything has it's own place and time. and well.. It's my time to get out of school, but where should I be heading to? Does anybody know? I sure don't. Oh yeah.. and I am scared that I will be lonely.. So yeah.. I AM SCARED!!

This song just came to my mind:

Mariah Carey's - Do you know where you're going to? Theme song from Mahagony

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

NO more excuses!!

I realised that I have been giving myself way too much excuses for not doing work.. SEriously!! Way to much!! So much that I am getting sick with myself.. Yeah and it doesn't help that part of therapeutic writing forces me to re-read and re-write things in my past.. bluughh!! Seriously.. it works so much better for me not to look and deal with certain things.. Well.. you know for the most part.. I just think that I am making excuses for not working.. for sleeping .. and for being so freaking lazy!!! Really glad that my gal pals are there to study with me.. cop me a seat in school and then time check me by threatening that they won't have lunch with me for a whole week.. hahah Yeash Mushi and Yani.. this refers to you... and you know what.. I am such a stubborn stubborn person.. well.. everyone who knows me well enough can attest that.. and only I, me and myself can get my arse out of any situation if I put my mind at it.. And so.. Now, at 2.45 am.. I shall make a pact with myself.. I will stop being lazy.. I will not blame it on anyone or any past incidents.. blurghh.. (furthermore, this will help me to take a positive step and move on and be independdent).. and seriously try and get my act together.. enuf is enuf of procrastinating.. of what'ifs of how'-i'-wish... No more of all of that... Just do what I can.. the best that I can.. with what I can.. and Insya Allah.. the best results will come.. At least I know I made the effort and there is no regrets..

Okies.. and pls those of you studying with me.. Kick my ass (NOT LITERALLY!!) when I am procrastinating and being lazy pls!!!

Oh yEah ARAFAH!!! KITA BOLEH!!! :)

Good Day

I managed to get thro and finish my essay.. it's not that good tho' cos I only did 16 pgs when she wanted us to do 25.. haiz.. But today was a good day..why? managed to get a different set of air. Was fun spending some time with the social work people during the outing for geron class. I was dozing off when the lady was giving her presentation.. I really hope she didnt catch it.. :) I can't remember when was the last time I really slept.. Rite now I craving to watch MTV.. yup that is rite.. MTV but my bro is watching his vcd so I goto wait will he sleeps. .. I spent some time with mum and dad and littlest bro.. and they enjoyed it.. Mum and Dad was real sweet.. I miss spending time with them and them with me.. I realised that Mum has a fear abou being institutionalized.. and that she wants to grow old in the context of the family.. cos whenever I talk about Old FOlks homes n the likes, she will tend to jus dismiss it away.. so today, I probed lah.. and she was like.. I not comfortable la hearing about these things.. So tommorrow I told mum I will have breakfast with her since Dad playing golf.. I feel so bad that I haven been spending time with the people I love.. and what makes me feel worst, is that they understand.. Arrgghh... I tik it's through the love of my family and close frens.. that I learn what support and care is about.. Unfortunately, no such luck wit my love life.. hahah ANy lonely souls out there needing a company?? I know I do.. at least in a romantic way.. But I know I not ready for commitment and the likes.. Have to get rid of my anger and resolve the issues first.. and be sure not to fall for the same type of guy?? or to act differently in a relationship?? entah.. sometimes I just think that I think too much!! hahaha
Oh yeah.. I reallly like talking to Dr Mehta about my ambitions and dreams.. she is so open about it and so unjudgmental.. Best nyer!!
My head is spinning now tho' time for me to sleep perhaps.. One more essay to go..
Feeling happy rite now and contended..
ps/any lonely souls out there?? hahahhaa.. I need a mate.. hahahha goodness I sound so desperate!

Finally

Finally.. the ISM is completed.. I tried to make it as social work as possible.. That is all I can do.. Try my best.. Surprisingly I feel energised after finishing it... hahhha the irony!!!

Printing it out now at 6:07 a.m. I haven slept a wink. Got gender class at 10 am.. hahha

I am

I am tired, mad, insane, feeling like my muscles no longer belong to me (if I had any), grateful to the many ppl who have helped me, full of self-belief and yet afraid of failing and thus haunted by self-doubt, I am.. well.. I am just me lah huh.. hahahaah so yeah.. hopefully.. everything goes on well.. I feel the adrenelin rush.. told mum that this wk and perhaps the next, there will be days I will come home very late.. Haiya need to conc and do work in school..

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY!

And in the words of best fren (a.k.a. JT) GAMBATTE!!! hahahha

Relief..

Sigh of................... RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hard work paid off... Seriously.. Glad I decided to fight off the procrastination (tho' sometimes very late) and work my butt off.. I got back my crisis paper.. I got A (wooohooo!!) Alhamdulilah.. She asked me a qn tho..'why is your introduction much stronger than your conclusion?'.. DUH?!! Intro write first wat.. by the time I reach conclusion wanna pengsan already.. Haiyo!! Andd... Good news.. I guess me barging in into my sup office 3 times today .. and after which emailing him and calling him to read my ISM works... HE actually read it.. HAHHAHA yup yup he did.. Now i feel bad for not having faith in him.. Arrgghhh I am on such a high now.. Alhamdulilah.. I really feel very blessed rite now.. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.. and it ain't so dim anymore.. Wee!!

Two more essays to go.. One is social gerontology and the other mental health (hahah hopefully I won't be the mental one!) And I am so thankful to everyone who have helped me in one way or another .. in answering my surveys.. helping me with referral or even words of encouragement.. U know.. I learnt a very humbling lesson from honours.. We don't live alone.. We need help from ppl.. and you know.. I guess whoever said we don't live on an island is true!!

It's not over.. But I can see the light

A Bearable Week

The week is almost coming to an end... Sigh!! And.. the work is not done..

THis is how I looked... fresh rite.. before my FINAL presentation ever as an NUS student... wow WEE... yeah.. was dressed up seh.. But actually I was very blurrrrry.. hahahhaa ANyway... besides some questions from the lecturer.. I think it went swell..

Nice?? Taken with my brother Fadhli when we went out some weeks back!!! He's oh so grown up now!!! hahaha Can still remember him being little and we would go cycling together.. But whatever it is.. I still consider him to be my little brother. and forever think of him as 'little' hahaha and.. being such a good sister that I am.. there are days which I think my antics drive him insane.. But love him lots...

Well.. I am tryin to tie my ISM together and work on my analysis part before I start on my geron paper.. It will be a terribly busy week next week (in the background..some sports day going on..and I think its Fajar..My alma mater.. why? cos got Manta House I heard..and that was my house!! Not that I did anything lah)... Busy Busy Busy..

Oh on a side note.. Took a tiny-weeny break and watched the music video of Jason Mraz.. Geek in the Pink.. oh goodness he is such a drool la can!!!  I mean no 1. He can wear pink!! no. 2. He is so cool lah.. I think there is nothing much cooler than a man who is so in touch and confident with who he is and doesn't need to adopt a particular image to boost his ego.. This is such a major major major bonus point.. SO going to get his album..well..when I have the time that is.. Jasan Mraz you pink geek.. Swooonnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Makes me wonder tho.. Why do some guys then try so hard to be something they are not?? Blurrgghh.. Go Geeks!!! Oh yeah on another side note.. My littlest brother.. Is so refusing to wear his plastic glasses cos' some ppl in his class said he looks like a geek.. WTF.. bully my brother.. so I did a little cognitive refraiming.. hahah told him geeks are people too and that they are cool.. and that he looks nice wearing that glasses. SO he asked me.. But only my family thinks I am nice wearing this plastic glasses. So I replied but at the end of the day only your family and your very close friend's opinion matters.. Then he was like why? Because we all love you and we think you look good so only that should matter.. And he smiled can.. Wah.. hahaha so sweet kan... And he wore his plastic glasses to football practice today!! You go lah my litlle brat of a brother... hahahah and if any small malay puny mats wanna kacau him.. You get thro' me first ah.. I soooo.. will not allow anyone to pull the self-esteem down of my brother!!!

I think I am mad!!!!!!

hahahah okok this is realli insane.. So here I am reading a book "Successful writing for qualitative researchers" by Peter Woods to get some idea on how to write up my ISM part.. I mean I dun realli have an idea cos previously I have always done quantitative research and single-subject group design (very the deng!! rite to try something new)... hahahaa

So anyway.. this guy very farnie lah.. I lurrve his quotes... wakkakaa

I think all writers of prose live in a state of induced insanity (J.G. Ballard)

I think I'm either frighteningly sane or incorrigibly mad (Iain Banks)

I can't thin kof any great writers who are sane (Phyllis Naggy)

and he goes on to say... "If we are to be successful writers, it seems we must be prepared to be a little insane"......

So am I going to be a successful write????? I am seriously a little insane now... hahahha

One down..

Finished my crisis paper.. Hwhheepheyugh!! Sigh of relief.... will put that one out of my mind.. clueless rite now as of what to do for my geron paper.. arrghhh!!! Ideas??? Blank!!

Blargghhh!!!

Bllarrghh!!! Yeah that is how I am feeling rite now. I am (*)#$)$( wasting my time rite now.. I have been.. doing stupid useless stuff.... I hate the fact that the papers I am handing up are not to my expectations.. Hate the fact that I didn't put in my best effort and hate the fact that I know all this and yet not doing something proactive about it.. What the blarrrddyy crap rite.. Shit lah.. I seriously think I have had enuf of the whole schooling life.. seriously.. I realli miss secondary school.. times when i didnt need to study.. since A levels till now.. I feel like a hamster running on the wheel which never stop.. Well.. as much as I have had good times.. I am really ready to go and look for new adventure and new stuff to keep me interested... hahahha and this is really off... but maybe falling in love or developing a crush will keep me interested in work.. if only i didnt put so much grey matter into developing a crush then any A,B,C will do.. wakakka okok I have vented enuf..and I feel like a mad woman.. and it's a wonder how rite now I feel like going back to my work.

And dear Arafah.. I love you lots.. And I appreciate how you can still think of me and get me a book so useful for me even though you got so much other issues to deal with in your life..

Oh yeah.. and I learnt that there are many different types of friends.. there are some ppl I am forcing myself to think only as 'happy' frens.. seriously.. they can't be bothered and they pretend to be bothered.. Peh!!! Harlow!!! Pe-gi-la!!

It has been good so far..

Work is piling up.. but Alhamdulilah.. I am learning how to partialize it... and well so far.. its going good.. I need to 'up' it a little bit.. Minus my time procrastinating and doing well.. 'staring into space things'... It's amazing how long these things take... hahhaa..

So far...

1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.

Things left to be done..

1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper

.... May my internal strength pull me through!!

an All inspiring day!!

Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)

and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??

1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??

2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs

3. My crisis paper by next monday

4. My gerontology paper

5. My full ISM paper

6. My mental health assignment and presentation..

Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..

Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..

yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??

Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!

Lessons learnt

Below is a quote i took from Arafah's blog.. It's part of a wider entry of hers...

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..

Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..

Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..

To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..

So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...

Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)

The finality of it all

Warning: Full of rambles, spelling mistakes and what-nots

Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..

Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..

I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)

So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...

With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..

And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..

"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....

At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)

Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa

Everything's goin to be alright??

Right now.. the song... 'everything's goin to be alright, everything's goin to be ok'.. is in my brain rite now.. only that it ends sadly with a question mark.. Well today has been a rather..well no.. let's say confidently good day for me.. I managed to drag my big ass to school plonk myself down.. got started on my mental health assignment one and also did part of my terrorism powerpoint, which kinda look very messy and is taking a long time then I had planned it out to be (it looked so simple in my brain).. ..

Well.. things that are happening at school are really dragging me down.. and so I end up whinning and whinning and bitching and whinning..etc. but then, when I read my dear friends Arafah blog today.. I just felt like kicking myself rite up the ass.. I mean.. goodness.. so many more dear things are happening, which can go wrong and do go wrong.. and yet, they still continue living.. and then happened to go thro' a schoolmate's blog who lost her baby.. I mean.. what could be worse for a mother?? Seriously Arafah, yesh, you say that you are not strong, but then, breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means that you are human.. and seriously, that ain't bad rite.. cos we are all humans..

It's a start of a new day.. Insya Allah.. let everything work out well

Aftermath

Dr Ngiam has really been sweet.. He is so so so helpful and nice..after knowing that some contacts he gave cldn't help me, he emailed me immediately apologizing and to just let him know any other help/assistance I might need... well I got to talk to my supervisor soon.. about the state of my ISM (or lack of) and also perhaps changing my methodology.. ARggghh!! And what is worst, I have just been sleeping every single time I feel stressed. I feel like I have lost the "I Can Do It" KiTa Boleh Spirit.. Oh .. where for art thou' spirit?? Do come back..

Well.. today I feel much better..after talking to 2 hrs to Edleen..and she trying to "sell" me some guy at one part of the conversation...hahhahaha Cute lah.. but babe.. thanks.. yOu never seem to fail me.. always there.. Best!!

But I am counting my blessings rite now.. Got lobang for one interview.. Convinent sampling.. But I don't know if it will make my paper gd or whether it will make my paper look like I am just doin interview for the sake of doin it.. get what I mean?!! Rite now, I need to make sure everyting i write, can be related back to social work implications..if not..it will look very sociology or even economics-a like...

Blah.. Goin for dinner tonite.. Wld be a good time to chill.. Tommorrow, is a new day, and today, is going to be good cos' it's what I make out of it..

Humm..

A few seconds ago..I tot the world suck..now, I realised, ppl do help each other out.. Thanks man!!

*******

crossing every single thing I have...

Insya Allah... pls let everything work itself out..

This might sound weird.. or that stress and the etc..has got to my brain.. but this wld be such a nice time to develop a crush and fall 'somewhat' in luv.....

Now I sound insane..

order~~

Decided to bring some order to my piles of paper all over my room..went and actually filed my stuff.. so amazing.... I always do it barely 2 wks before exam.. so now my room is quite organized! while puttin stuff in order, it dawned on me the amount of work that I would have to do and all the assignments which are going to be due soon.. Insya Allah everything will turn out a ok!!

Rite now, things with my ISM.. let's just say I dunt wanna think so much about it. Shall just try my best and do whatever is possible even if it means at the end of the day just relying on secondary data.. But then I know that deep down inside I am very stress.. why?? the appearance of a physiological symptom. Everytime I get really stress, I will get this nagging pain on my right shoulder. Irritating, and yet always serves to remind me to relax, take stock and just do my best.

Being social work trained, I should incorporate what I learn into my psyche.. so here it goes.. self-cognitive behavioural therapy... "the way I think will affect the way I feel".. so I going to think positive, so that I can feel positive, and do work well..

An Emlightening Day!!

Watched the Constant Garderner today with Arfah..It's a deeply intriguing, disturbing movie.. Made me question whether saving the world and making it a better place through the use of already established institutions possible...

Perturbing..Nuff' said..

Was a very fun day nevertheless.. And now back to the books.. and like the train leaving the station... I shall start slow but steady..and insya Allah, gain momentum... Chooo...ChooChoo..ChooChooChoo.. (ya get the picture??!!)

New Mantra

Nice the picture??? I drew it on my new little blackboard! It is supposed to gimme inspiration lah.

Have been such a sotong recently! Super Super punye sotong I tell you.. And I am so fed-up lah with the whole state of affairs..I can't stand it..So.. I am just going to try and believe.. have faith..if everything else fails..at least have faith  IN MYSELF that somewhere somehow, I can pull things off.. Insya Allah.

Seeing things in perspective

Sometimes, I think that things have a funny way of working itself out. Have you ever woke up, in total shock, taking time to think what it is you are supposed to do.. well that happened to me today.. I woke up at around 9.50..and I was like ain't I not supposed to be somewhere now?? Then, after a few moments, I realised I got a class at 10 and a test then.. I panicked, screamed.. called my mum.. who got my dad to pick me up.... he railed at me the whole way, saying that I need to change my habit of 'pentingkan' or giving importance to sleep (HEY I REALLLI REALLI NEED SLEEP!!) so anyway, by some twist of luck, I msg Liwei and she said Dr Ng started with lecture first.. I reached school at around 10.30.. my dad drove to school in a mere 10 mins! goodness!! It takes me 40 minutes!! Amazing k.. So anyway, I sat down, drank my coffee (I grabbed a bottle on my way out from home..) and then in another 10-15 mins or so.. the test started.. so yeah I heaved a sigh of relief.. Then.. I went to check my mail.. and realised that AMP can't help me with getting my sample for my ISM..sigh! Back to square one.. Any ideas?? Met Andrea and Arfah for lunch before my next class..and yeah..things got better..

But you know, the news I heard from Arafah, that her friend's brother passed away, really got to me.. here I am fretting non-stop..about the litte little things in life, and yesh I do so cos I am a whiny human being.. and yet, hearing the news puts things into perspective..there are so much more things more important..and I need to start appreciating my parents, family and close frens more.. all the people who are always helping me and who I have been taking for granted..

And to Ratna, even though I don't really know you or your brother, I have a feeling he was a really nice person, because it was raining the whole of today. May Allah bless his spirit.

Hot AIR!!

Before I start cursing or sounding very bitchy.. Let me shout out a super duper cooper throoper big big THANK YOU to OYEAH!!!! She was so so sweet I tell you.. from school she followed me to MENDAKI so that I could get their research report on Skills Redevelopment Programme.. Wah weet weet.. SO SWEET!!! SO SO very the thank you girl!! It's always all these wonderful things that make 'uncontrollable' things bearable... Arafah..Terima khasih eh.. listen to all my grumbling tho' you got more stressful life changing issues to deal with.. in your own words... gua chaya sama lu (correct???) And 2 sweet ppl who by chance saw me walking and listened to all my ramblings in a very very loud voice ( I SWEAR i think I was shouting at the top of my lungs) - Murshidah and Fareez (leh..I haven study enuf for Gender test on thur!! Thanks for the reminder!) and then to Andrea, Arfah and also her chinese fren..thanks thanks.. the coffee helped plus the laugher and jokes.. and Maria for talking to me on the phone.. sampai handphone batt mati... wakkakaka Thanks ah.. SERIOUSLY ranting and raving keeps me sane.. and thanks for listening..and to all the ppl who always say 'haiya its ok' pls ah i hope next time I won't tell you worries.. cos all I want is EMPATHY!

ok.. so here goes.. I hate ppl who are composed of hot air.. what do I mean by hot air.. I mean harlow..if you not sure u can get it.. dun lah go say for certain u can do it.. THAT IS SO MY PET PEEVE.... DUN LIKE HOT AIR AND N.A.T.O!!

I really dun know what to do for tommorrow's ethic handup seh.. Have no clue.. Just goin to write out the questions and hopefully something comes up and everything goes well..
Ya Allah, pls give me the strength..

Still need to read for gender test some more.. insya allah..

Angelic~!

Nice?? Nice?? Very angelic kan kan kan.. Hahhaah.. Picture was taken during Arafah's bro wedding..

Having the sunlight shinning behind us.. "Like a ray of light.."

Great I am getting crappy..Need my mcdonalds fix for breakfast..(Arfah..will call u in a while!)

LINDA!! I had fun!! Thanks girl!! I suddenly got Da spirit to do work (spirit~ cos I procrastinated)

Right now, I sound incoherent and crazy.. Oh well..Toodles!

STUCK!!

Rite now I am stuck.. stuck as anyone can be.. so stuck stuck stuck..

I really feel like my heels have gotten stuck in the stupid crack, and it broke and I am left spinning.. and spinning but there ain't no one there to save me.. AARRGGHHH!!

I am getting so stuck wit my ISM..so stuck that I dun even put in enuf effort or the effort required.. Why? Cos' I am shuttin down on that blarrdy stuff.. shall take a break.. go for a nice dinner.. Hopefully Linda can spur me on!!

YELL FOR THE UNDERDOGS!!

This post is dedicated to all the underdogs.. Goodness I was so so into "Battle of the reality stars".. Best... and what made it 'more best' is how the light blue team, managed to beat every single team along their way... call it luck.. nah!! I dun think so.. perhaps 'luck' helped a tinny weeeny bit but I think the desire and hunger to succeed and prove their old groupmates wrong, pulled the group together!! I really like the ending tho' when Bradford said that Mr Trump got what he paid for and if he is looking for great to go and call him.. hahhahaa.... and Heidi is such a sour puss.. oh pluss!!!! "White trash" Wonder who she was referring to... akakkaa...

Anyway.. (since I sooo lurve getting lessons out of the unusual things in life) this episode shows... that we can triumph if we really want to so badly.... whatever ppl may think and whatever the odds..

Hopefully.. the fire in my belly will be 're' charged up.. seriously.. I don't know where it has gone lately... been procrastinating lah.. and just taking so long to getting SOME work done...

so yeah.. FIRE UP!!

hahahah that can come later tonite lah.. now goin to dinner with family.... :)

And so I digress...

My powers of digression and also procrastination amazes me sometimes.. anyway, took this Handwritting Personality Quiz.. and this what it says ..

The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself.

Correct ke?? Lor?? Betul ke?? hahhaa but I kinda agree with it!!

okok..this time, I really will get back to work!

Alls Well!!

It has been so long that I woke up early on a monday and manage to squeeze some form of work in.. and by early I mean up and showered by 10.30.. (anyone who knows me would agree!! ahaha) The get away trip with mum and littlest bro over the weekend to Jakarta was brilliant.. Met Auntie Lina and her daughter Sisca.. It has been such a long time.. It's nice to see someone who have managed to overcome illness (she got Hep C from blood transfusion!!) and look so good at age 60 without plastic surgery and remain 'clean' (NO KORUPSI) in that country.. Going away with just me and littlest bro was fun since it gave me 'alone' time with mum to jus chat to her.. 'ngobrol-ngobrol' as the Javanese would say, and get some things off her mind.. and with my little brother I kinda know how to play 'bidamon' (wonder if I spelled that correctly).. This 'thingy' is actually the 'old school' marbles game man!!

Alls Well in my land rite now!! Friends great!! (Thanks Edleen!!) Everything ok on the home front!! and School is currently swell and fine and fun too!!

Adios!! Shall get back to work before goin to school later!! Oh yesh..been sooooo craving for a manicure..Just realised that my nails are really thin!!

Blankness..

Dunno what to call this entry.. But told Mushi on Thursday after dinner I would upload the lyrics of the song that she suddenly blurted out singing.. hahaha.. EARWORM!!

Anyway.. met Mushi on Thursday after lessons..and we went for Dinner after that.. Girl..thanks thanks for listening to me.. pathetic fallacy lah.. why? it was drizzling and it was dark! Had KFC in Clementi.. She was shaking (to warm herself?) hahah cos it was cold in there.. I wanted to buy the new Sugarbabes CD.. love one of their songs especially.. "Ugly"'s the title.. I love the part especially which goes...
"People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you Everybody talks bad about somebody And never realises how it affects somebody And you bet it won't be forgotten Envy is the only thing it could be"
Nice rite!!!! Bet it could apply to almost every individual.. Best best best!! Oh yeah back to finding the CD..do you know I was walking around Clementi and I could not find any CD shop? NONE?!! Is it me? Or is it that the people there don't buy CD?? By the time I got back it was too late to go to the other music shops..Strange!!

Oh yeah.. back to the song that Mushi sang.. so anyway, we were walkin in the rain (was only drizzling) and then she started singing the song from Land Before Time "If we hold on together" by Diana Ross..ahahha I haven heard the song for a long time..but it was apt for the situation!!

Anyway, I think the lyrics are great!!!
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far Don't throw it
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story Faith, hope & glory
Hold on to the truth in your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by For you and I.

Souls and the wind must
Learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley Mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay..

Words currently in my mind

Bah-rem-you! Bah-rem-You!!

Dengkulmuanjelok! Dengkumuanjelok!!

I'm a SURVIVOR!

No one to get my back!! (Linda laughed at this one!! And yesh I know it sounds very 50 cents!!)

Bah! Bah! Bah!

K rite now those are the things in my mind! Not that intelligent huh?!

1st Day of School

1st day of school.... can't really find a sole single word to describe it.. it started well..Met Huixuan who just came back from Aussie. She graduated already and is contemplating on the 'right job' for her. Lab work? or Sales? And so the debate shall continue..

How was class?? Let's just say I miss having a table.. This class doesn't even have the chairs with attached table..It's just chairs.. I gather its going to be a lil' tricky writing notes in class especially since I am such a klutz!

It rained today..and I got a nice pink umbrella.. Real happy with that! Well..really miss having Nornie in class suddenly.. Such a cheer and joy to have her.. NORNIE.!! I bet she misses me too.. (she better)

Let's just say... I hope to do things in the right spirit..and Insya Allah..everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to!

Hope this positive outlook of mine remains thro' out the semester!

And the anxiousness starts to creep in..

Waduh Waduh!! Was printing all the outlines for my modules since classes start tommorrow..and looking at the amount of readings and the work requirements for each, wah!! can faint!! (Spin around, hand on forehead...spin around again.. scream ..arrrgghh....and then fall down gracefully!!) hahha ok lah nonsense a bit.. But yeah the point is..That is a lot of work man.. Haiya kinda regretting the fact that I did an extra module for PS which I could have done for SW.. But since this is the new year, and I want to look at things on a positive side.. shall smile, smile, and then try to do the work as best as I can..

and the rain is brilliant huh...(not when you are caught in it) But rain makes the temperatures drop and prevents make-up from being oily..

My new clean room!!

Yesh!! A sense of accomplishment.. I finally cleaned up my room.. put things in drawers and re-arranged the furnitures.. Its amazing I tell u!!

I put all my drawers together and arranged them from the tallest to the shortest.. Neat huh?? So proud of myself! And there is a sort of design to it some more!! Wow!

And space! Finally after I put all the clutter away, and moved my bed against the wall, there is walking space in my room.. Re arranging your room and having walking space is amaing I tell you.. Its like a wall has been hacked. Physically and mentally it feels so much better!

And look..no more clutter on the floor!! See Arfah next time you come you don't have to trip and tip toe around my stuff hahhaa...

No..I am not narcassistic to put the same picture 2 times but Arfah said that I should give credit where credit is due.. So here it goes..THis is me, with Arfah's teddy bear, given my Andrea. It's name is Pon.. (hahha happy now Arfah?! and yup it looks cute) Why did I take a picture with the bear instead of her? Well I tried to..She didn't want to..Killing time and saw her bear on her bed so I decided to take picture with it instead!!

A new year...

The new year is here!! I think for me, the past 2 years just came and past very quickly, and I never sat down to take stock of whatever happened... And so..here are some pictures which carries so much memories for me.. Its so surprising to realise that there are some good friends who I never took any pictures with.. and in no relevant order...

Pictures N Memories

My 4 best pals in secondary school from left, Edleen, me, Sharifah, and Salina.. It was taken after I finished my A levels.. We all went to NUS to visit Salina who was warded for asthma! I really miss all you 3 girls.. Its been so long since we last sat down and just chat huh.. Tiny picture of me and Edleen during secondary 4 talentime.. We sang such a sweet song..And lastly picture of us together when we had lunch somewhere this year..

Since all my good friends will know by know, I am a total clutz and a hazzard.. So What accident did I land Edleen in..hahah I am sure there were plenty but the one that really stands out is the one in Secondary One where I tripped over a tiny step in the parade square, and in the process pushing Edleen. Salina was in front of us..but since she could only safe one of us, she saved me..and Edleen fell down, blacked out for a while and chipped her front tooth..hehe but all is well..she had it pasted already.. Well that sparked the start of a brilliant friendship.

Thank you Edleen dear for being there all the time, and just a phone call away..and like you always say.. don't say I don't know..because you know..


Lets describe the pics first:
Picture 1: Arfah, Nornie, and me during raya this yr. Picture 2: Me, Nornie, Arti and Hannah during JJ nite in Yr1. Picture 3: Me and Arfah (I held Arfah hostage. She refused to had her picture taken). Picture 4: Nornie (I found this picture of her. ALONE! on my hp. I think it was taken last semester when we were studying and she got bored)

Well..loved every single one of them.. Arti was with me the first ever time I drove alone mind you..Hehhe got into a minor blotch up at first and then got totally lost..Her mouth was utterly "masin" (sure to come true). She said as we were on our way to hannah place "we sure to pass by school" and we did..we went to JJC which was in Jurong, when we were actually from School in Clementi going to Bukit Panjang..hahha Totally the wrong way! But it was fun..and she was really patient with me! And for the many occasions where she allowed me to just be chaotic and stressed and her just telling me to relax!

And Nornie..humm..I don't think I ever got her into trouble though..But I really love her company all the time..I miss having someone to bitch about in social work class, or going to lunch after that and stoning and 'spotting' exam questions with utter laughter..Must go out soon yeah! And remember all the shopping....

Must thank Hannah for all the shopping tips..and always telling me to relax!!

And now, Arfah's turn..This girl got it real bad in terms of my 'clutzness'..hahah the many times I grabbed on her when I almost fell on the escalator..But the emmy prize has to go to this particular time when I pushed her down the stairs of the lecture theater in science. Why? it was break time, I missed one step..and then in slow mo..I could see all the many steps going pass me one by one..but no..I could not step on any one of them..then I saw the door..so I held my hand outstretched..and low and behold..it was Arfah coming to the door..she broke my fall..hahahha Just as she was about to get angry (I am sure it hurt huh babe!) I had this pathetic face of mine going "I tripped! So Sorry!" SO yeah..she didn't scold me..hahha So now..she has gotten used to it already...Well thanks ya for talking to me all the time, listening to my whining..and then everytime I need to do something without clarity, become my partner in crime..Remember the time when we were learning to drive and I told you and Andee the wrong bus to take and we ended up close to an army camp..hahhahaha

Picture of me and ND. Well girl..don't get angry with me. I do have nicer picture of us but I think this picture really capture whatever we have to always go true together..Hard times in school!! :)

So many stories of us being lost together..Remember how blur we were when we wanted to register to learn driving? And the many stories we have of Econs during JJ..and also the so many late nite phone calls where you helped to keep me sane?? I really appreciate our friendship babe..Thanks for everything..

Picture of me and Mushi..hahah don't the both of us look really coy? (See Mushi I didn't put any incriminating photos of you..and yesh ok I do have them!) With Mushi, she always took precaution not to be pulled into accidents cos of dear old me..Just wanted to thank you for the many wonderful times we have in school, especially while studying till we were mad in NUS. Its so hard to remain sane if not..And do help me keep my sanity next semester yeah.. Lets work to our plan of having hair cuts together and going for spas together.. Like I say, its the frienships which have been tested but remains that endures..SO let's just remember the good times..

Picture of me with Yani..(she was actually trying to take a picture of Faiza I think) Got close to her in uni..but especially this semester cos we were studying together and took a subject together..Really love the 'post-law' lesson drive where we would talk about private stuff!! Gerek u!

Picture of me and Linda..Even though we are worlds apart..and I do mean WORLDS! I can understand her and her, understand me..You will never be able to guess how much your point of view of things really enrich me..That is why everytime I am troubled, I give you a ring..and the many ingenious off-hand jokes!



Picture of me and Arafah..What can I say? Thank you for the wonderful frienship over the years.. "temaning" me in all my errands..I was just having flashbacks of the times when we were relief teaching and with lotsa KKChing to spare where we will meet up after work and eat and shop..wah best..Very carefree ways.. Though times have changed..and you have become a mother..thank you for still making time for me, and always lending me a listening year to all my little whinnyness though you got your own stuff to deal with.. I hope and pray that this new year will bring you lots of happy and new things..and seriously girl, motherhood has changed you..and through you, I can see that motherhood makes a person less selfish..


And well, lets just end with a picture of me..(hahah how narcassistic!) There are so many other people who have made such a great impact in my life and provided me with so much love and support.. Jannah for one.. who I don't have a picture of. oh yeah..ok of hand just remembered how I pasted her to the side of the bus cos' I flew when the bus jerked to a stop and she cushioned my fall!hahha.. and so many of my other friends.. It has seriously been such a long time since I took stock of whatever I have. I hope this year will be the start of new things to come..God willing.. To a more positive outlook and to just take whatever comes with an open mind and heart!