Social Life

It has been some time since I took time out and spent time laughing and talking and almost crying with friends... Really enjoyed my dinner with the girls (Nornie, Arfah and Doreen) laughed and laughed at each other's antics and especially at Nornie's boyfriend.. Sweet sak... they were at the same place but must call each other using hp.. Ish Ish Ish.. haha and Nornie obviously had to go and "bake her cake" in the middle of the dinner... haha.. (wonder if she will kill me after reading this post).. Oh well.. all in all it was fun... we were even treating it like our own mini karoake.. Can't blame us.. the song's were all sappy love songs (oh i cant have him anymore, or oh my heart broke kinda songs) and oh oh.. how can I forget the YOU LIFT ME UP... goodness.. now the song will always make me laugh -> all thanks to Arfah, yea yea... the sweat marks under the pitts...

I had a very good "reflection" moment with Doreen in the car ride... I really needed that... Been a long time since a friend's touching words brought tears to my eyes... Thanks gurl... and the words she said really really touched me.. But I was laughing when she pointed out how I can be a totally blur person and "leave debris behind me".. <- that's a very true observation.. And at the end of the day, I feel blessed for having good friends. Friends who love me as much as I love them, if not more... and I feel more blessed knowing that I will meet them on 18 dec again.... Eh to those friends I forgot to invite...cos' I only told a few (in case my leave doesn't get approved).. Having a get together on 18 dec.. jom... why? so I can spend the day with people I love!!!

Well, tonight, I screwed my work and am going to sleep with a good and happy light heart. Knowing that I have good friends. MUACHIES..

The Measure of a Man - What is life about?

I've been very tired and very draggy for the past few weeks.... It was only till I took a short break away and slept my days away that I rejuvenated myself. Have been taking things slow in terms of going out, cutting myself some slack and also taking stock and enjoying the lil successes that I have in a day - keying my case notes, making phone calls, request for reports, writing reports...etc and the list goes on.... I tik rite now, I am taking pride in the lil' things I have done... Too much rushing aint that good either... Sometimes when u rush, u lose sight of the process and the end that you've envisioned in sight ... is just going to be that... a vision.... (wah ok very chim)

I finally completed the book - The Measure of a Man - a spiritual autobiography by Sidney Poitier... I must say that the book really speak to me... from his belief that things could be better in his younger days, his strong sense of passion and how he describes that he also has a fear of failure.... Aren't we all then a contradiction... Or at least I am... Sometimes I ask myself, How can I be filled with so much faith in myself and yet consumed with self-doubt at the same time...

Sometimes I do feel that I am so afraid of letting down the hopes that people have in me and also the positive thoughts that some people in the office have of me... when people say, oh... I want to train u... or oh I see that you can go far... It really ignites the spirit... But at the same time, I do feel as if I am living up to something... and that...I do not like... For I've always believed that it is more important to judge yourself with your own yardstick... and continue to improve oneself every single day.. But oh well... I am human and am a sucker for praises....

K.... It's now 6.42 am... Goin to prepare to go to work soon.... Leaving good powerful quotes from the book I've just finished reading.... and I take pleasure form this 2 quotes - as it reminds me of what I am - HUMAN

" We're all of us a little greedy. (Some of us are plenty greedy). We're all somewhat courageous, and we're all considerably cowardly. We're all imperfect, and life is simply a perpetual, unending struggle against those imperfections."

"... I'm responsible for not what happens but for what I make of it. It's up to me to take my own measure, to claim what's real, to answer for myself."

~ Beautiful??!! Go read the book many more good quotes... And may today be a better day as I make good the opportunities given to me as I continue in my journey to improve myself. God Willing :)

Cheerios

U can't control other ppl, Only urself

"you can't control other people, only yourself"!!! How many times have we heard the line... I've realised that it is so hard to control yourself when the situation is not a perfect one.. or when the situation is not what you expected it to be... You are left grinting your teeth and you whine and grine and whine about how unperfect the situation is... Well, what I can say is that some amount of whining is alright and even therapeutic as it enables the negative to get out of one's system... However, too much of it will just leave one incapacitated...

I've had a very enlightening talk with someone I will not consider a friend.. She forced me to think of an alternative way of thinking about the situation... and while it is quite tough to swallow, it does have some element of realism and truth in it...

I have to calm down and realise that I cannot control the emotions of that person... I cannot control how that person react to me.. I can control my professionalism and how I react to that person..

Tommorrow is another day... With a new day, comes new opportunities

In the toilet

There is a point to this entry....and I do hope I will be able to make that point.. K first things first.. my brain feels like goo...and also feels like there are thousand million things running around at a speed of dunno wat la... well all the unknown things are running fast..

K anyway, I was sitting at the toilet bowl la, reading Cleo mag, and came to this section wic asked for opinions from girls on whether they call their ex if they are drunk and how they feel about it... K I am sure what I was thinking was totally out of point with what the poll was trying to do, but I was just thinking... Isn't it amazing, we, as humans, can spend part of our lives with someone, and then just get over it... Hum... the strength of the human spirit I must say....

Now back to the report writing...

Pissy pissy

Was damn pissed today... but it cld be tat i jus want some time and also support frm the mngt.. my boss like so tidak apa.. tat it gets to me also... haiya.. but cld it be that she thinks i can handle my work and therefore leave me to my own devices?? tat can be considered a good thing rite?? whatever la... i can't expect things to be perfect... move on wati move on...

One Year On...

Wow... as I am typing this, I feel extremely surreal... It has been a whole year since I started this job... and the truth is, I feel like I've been doing this for longer than one year... the things that I have learnt, have been so inspiring, heart-breaking but all in all, opened my eyes and forced me to look at reality while holding on to my idealistic beliefs, faith and staying true to myself..

In this one year, I have learnt to let down my guard, put my guard up, mind my own business, have faith, learn to trust and yet learnt that some ppl are just assholes.. I have also learnt that I am extremely fortunate and lucky... I have wonderful and fantabulous friends who have helped me throughout the journey, and also close collegues who have stayed by my side even though I had been a brat at times... So thankful.. so so so thankful! :)

And so tommorrow is a new day, with new challenges (not problems), new excitements and new opportunities...

Alhamdulilah, I still see the positives in this world! :)

Rainy Wed

I reali feel that I am not taking good care of myself... very poor self-care I must say and I am tempted ever so often to be an ostrich... and I do feel that it shows in my work. Even my AM was asking me how I was doing a report as she felt that I have written better reports before.. Wic is true because I was damn tired doing it and I just wanted it to be done and over with...

Suddenly there is just so so much to do... It's crazy... But I really must learn how to deal with it because I do feel I am coming to full load... if not now super super soon... and at the end of the day, must remember that it is all for the best interest of the children!!!

And how do I know that I am getting too tired? I get very irritated with my clients and have caught myself yelling at them and being unprofessional at times. I also get very short tempered, both at work and also with my clients.. and I got to catch myself and stop myself...

I need to relax... Focus, and realise that I am human, but I need to do the best I can.. Tenacity..
Insya Allah

State of OK

Something just dawned on me as I was writing my report... No no... I wasn't slogging over it.. It's mostly done ... left one tiny part which I am taking my own sweet time to do.. Anyway, back to the earlier thought... I just realised that I have an issue dealing with the "ok" moments in my life. You know the moments where it ain't particularly rah-rah- or particularly sad... It's when you feel everything is moving normally... at an alright speed and you can handle it... Why ah I wonder? Do I like drama so much?? ANd if so why? Cos when things are alright, I tend to want more!!! Don't get me wrong it's not that I am not contented... I am ... I just want more.. More...

Haiz... okok... So, some people in the office have been saying that I am very Teh.. and that I can get away with things... But I really don't think so you know...!!!

Utterly Rubbish

I sit wide awake rite now, and I find that it is UTTERLY rubbish.. I have been having horrid jolt-me awake nights since Sunday... I really think that it is cos' I am starting work on 13 June 2007, a Wed... and before I wrote my tots down on my blog, the amount of work I have to catch up with is flashing through my mind..I am getting nostalgic by the fact that I can't catch afternoon tvs no more or laze on my 2nd floor, with air con blasting, cold water in my hand, and then play with my bro! oh goodness! I reali dun know why but I am gettin nostalgic over the lil' things, like sleepin in, like watching tons of MTV, like going out with my friends.. I think I just had such a blast this hols... a real blast that I can't bear to give it up... But I find my inability to sleep utterly ridiculous... Or am I just SOOO well rested that I cannot sleep? Oh goodness.. I must really thank my friends for making my hols oh so fun... I have managed to see all of my friends but one, and spent some quality (tho' short) time playing with my brother... I do pity him and I realised that he feels lonely... But can't be so enmeshed also cos' I got my own stuff to do... Haiya how I wished I was superwoman and I have the energy to do millions and kazillions of stuff... and I have more than 24 hrs.. But I don't and all I can do is to do the best with what I've got! Pheeweh... @ least it is out of my system!

Refreshed

It has been such a long time since I felt this sense of calmness and contentment... I truly haven had this for a long period of time.. As I am writing this, I am midway on my leave... some more days to go and I told myself that I will try my best to enjoy it, God Willing.

Talking to Doreen before the other girls came was reali insightful.. and I tik it is true.. Ultimately, this is my first ever real job.. yesh I did relief teaching and all.. but at the end of the day this is my FIRST EAVER real job... and it is tough.. the world out there is different.. and I think I have been blessed... @ the end of the day, it could have been worst..

I was pondering jus now and I realised that I ain't proud of how I handled some stuff.. truly I haven.. But I do feel as if I had made things rite before I left...In my own way I felt I have, even if the person or other people did not think I have... I did something which I did not want to do, contribute to the office gossip, instead of jus shutting my trap.. and I feel tat in some ways, I have hurt some people... Life at the end of the day is an extremely reciprocal thing.. sometimes you do not get what you want and you are not dealt with the best of cards, but ultimately it is about how you react to the situation that will make it different, or will change the outcome...

I am a lil bit ashamed of myself.. I dunno, and I fear and I really hope not.. things which I confided in certain people in the office, remain where they are... But I have come to realised that walls have ears and people have bigger mouths... But whatever I have done, as one of my fren put it, is done, it is out there, what I can control are things which I haven't done.... and that, I am determined to control and set right..

I am very lucky that there are people in the office who looks out for me... I haven been perfect, and there were times I know I have thrown my weight around and acted all spoilt.. But they still came around, and for that I am lucky.. If they did not like me, I would and could be miserable, so I am counting my blessing...

I realised during this holiday, that it is so important to focus on myself, me..I... and I haven't done that.. It is also important to surround yourself with people who love you and whom you love.. My friends are truly wonderful ... I haven't been around much for them, and yet, when I am free, they are around, and we always have a blast.. for that I cannot be more than thankful for.. :)

I have embarked on a project... it's a lil exciting for myself...Shhhhhhh...Details in a month's time

I have decided that I can't truly fault people around, I have got to be an adult, a professional and I can't expect to be dealt with a perfect set of cards... But what I can do, is as much as humanely possible, react to them as perfectly and as wonderfully as I can..

For the rest of my hols, I am going to enjoy myself@!!!!

Btw, I am broke... haha cos' I bought, I, me... bought my first ever DIOR bag.. oh ... I am sooo in love with it... It truly is my highest peak of retail therapy... Many thanks to Noni who followed me around.... she must have gotten bored with my repeated questioning!!! BUT LOVE U NONI.. and love my bag too!!!!

Loving Myself

Finally spent some quality time with my dear GURU...Ms Arafah.. I have made a decision.. Yup, the need to be healthy.. I need to love myself more.. and what best to put my new resolution in motion... RETAIL THERAPY... I've never bought myself a diamond ring.. So, I told myself, I am sooo going to get myself a diamond ring soon... (when I have cash to spare) to remind myself that I am married to myself, I need to love myself more... hahah until I find someone who loves me more than I love myself.. But at this point I doubt that person exist.. till then, I shall love myself, do my best and treat myself well... Yup yup... WATI IS BACK! :) No more mopping arnd.. hahhaa @ least not till tommorrow.

Nuff said

Haven been reli thankful for what I have.. Why? Well minor probs here and there lah.. But I guess it's my expectations or idealism...

Basically.. things aren't that bad.. So much things to do.. I've asked for leave in June 07 but the big bosses haven got back to me.. I think I need short breaks thro out the year to keep my sanity and prevent from burn out..

Anyways.. I can't be an ostrich in this job.. Still learning.. Forever will be learning.. I guess I take myself too seriously.. N could be expecting too much of people.. Need to reflect.. Everyone got 24 hrs and 2 hands and 2 feet.. I can't expect too much.. Need to be realistic.. Root word... REALISTIC... hahha

So yea.. nuff said.. life ain't that bad.. and It's a hard lesson I need to learn.. Sometimes it is enuf when things are OK. or ... things could be worst!!

Labour Day

hahha... Very farnie lah.. Why is labour day called labour day when most of us are not labouring on the day??? hahha I can't figure it out lah.. but whatever... I had a great day today!! Woke up late, caught Spiderman 3.. (wic I feel was very sad!), saw CLueLeSS and Legally Blonde 1 on DVD... Ahhh so nice!!! hahah Can feel the sunny, bright, Oh I can face the world me coming up!! Later on going to put on mask.. Ta ta ta....

Managed to put my various receipt for transport claims together.. Haiz...

Not really looking forward to the days and weeks coming cos' I know it is going to be a tough week ahead.. But what to do right?? I can't be a total ostrich and not want to be involved... I have to do my work.. I need to learn how to be more productive.. Damn it lah.. So many times I said that already.. But it is really hard to focus when your heart is tense.. but that wastes time I learnt..

Haiz.. I tik i got some powerful quotes from Spiderman 3... 1. "Forgive yourself" 2. Choice...
Ain't that right.. Choice... But most of the time the hardest choice is the hardest to do.. So why is it hard?? Haiya kk shall end tonight on a positive note.. Looking forward to Sat.. to spend some time with my Social Work mates!!!

Lesson

I learnt that :

1. I got to stand up for myself
2. Concentrate and put my efforts at my own work cos' I will have to stand up for my work
3. Hard work and Iron clad determination pays off.. I learnt that.. Now to internalise that..
4. I cannot work for a person.. I need to work for a department and for myself..
5. Tired.. Need to sleep!!

Good Weekend

This weekend was a good weekend... I did not touch any of my work on Sat and only started on Sun evening.. that I feel, did wonders... I am smiling more now.. Oh goodness.. and the pedicure I had just now was jus fantabulous.. ahhhhh... hehhe...

I did some smart things also this week... Was reading, Swimming with the Sharks without being eaten alive.. by Harvey Mackay and it has given me some inputs on how I wanna go about with work...

I think @ the end of the day, It feels good to know I did a good work to the best of my abilities.. and from now on, I shall not only know what I need to do, but get off my butt to do it.. Lesser time walking around in the office, more chop chop doing things.. and more planning.. so I do not waste precious time!!!

Heard from boss that I got a new case tommorrow.. wow.. what can I say? Let the work begin!!

haiya.. today @ work, didn't turn out too badly.. It sucks for me to feel like crap.. I have an issue I think to wanna feel wonderful.. I ain't contented with just feeling ok.. Dunno why also.. Sigh!! I guess things can be worst... Have to think like a professional and act like a professional.. Have to learn to just be ok with ok..

in malay

Kau tau aku dah nak giler biler I go on and on in Malay.. yeah.. skarang ah aku ni nak jadi giler.. so overworked.. and damn people semua tak realise ah.. ingat aku robot ka pa..

so last wk cakap advance kan aku case pasal the others ader training.. lepas tu macam aku pun tak der training ka pa... merepek.. ok tu tak pasall.... abih kena jerit dengan direct supervisor.. oi.. aku ni dah working my butt off... lepas tu.. kena jerit.. aku tak der feeling ka pa? ok tak per.. aku relak time weekend... try buat report.. and hoping this wk relak cos diorang cakap kasi aku break for next allocation..

abih niari supposed to be my off lah eh.. tak per.. nak gi kerja pasal old case coming and nak buat final touches to court report.. abih... pagi pagi.. siol!! telefon.. cakap aku kena case..

oi... korang ni giler ke? tak sioman ke? tak masuk akal ke? aper ke? then biler aku cakap kat phone aku penat.. diorang ketawa.. eh.. giler ke...

ok skarang aku pun nak naik giler.. nak gi kerja.. siol.. is there a light at the end of the tunnel.. if there is it better come quickly.. cos' skarang.. pitch black sak..

Blank

feeling super blank now.. i've been working for like 16 hrs shift.. that it is irritating the living hells out of me... I hate it... I missing out for so much.. and sometimes I feel so urrgh.. but I do enjoy some bits of it at times..

well.. now i am jus blank and tot of putting in ramdom tots on my blog.

wld be nice to have a massage right now. shoulder cramp.. similar cramp i had when i was in jc.. and later in hons year.. so i know that i am working blardy hard..

being rudder to ppl now.. glad that people have been extra forgiving towards me. very blessed for tat. people going out of their way to help me also.

tired, cramped, piece of shit.. blank random tots.. i jus wana sleep and sleep.. i miss sleeping.. i reli jus miss chiling and sleeping

and my shoulder is cramped. my head feels heavy. wanna cut my hair. enuf randomness

random

This entry is totally goin to be totally random.. speaks a whole lot to my state of consciousness at this juncture.. Supposed to be writing a report. BUT, I just can't concentrate so why bother right.. well I ain't got a choice.. report ain't that hard lah.. but I realised there is a lot of information that I am missing at this point. not that it is bad.. I got the basic stuff I need lah..

BUt I need to feel more relaxed then it would flow out more nicely.. Dunno.. I just do not feel happy when the standard of work I give is not up to par.. It sucks when the person you are fighting with is yourself..

Lately, I've noticed that I have done things which I really regret after doing it.. the things I have said to people (which I think are mean) and the things I do.. I really hope that at the end of the day, I would be able to hold on to my integrity, my passion for life and my idealism.. Increasingly, I realised that it is getting harder and harder.. Life ain't bad for me.. But perhaps I've had it too good?? I still am trying to just smile.. and smile.. But work is tough.. the cases are getting tougher at times and I find myself being tired ...

Can't really share difficulties with my family cos my parents are the type who would tell me to grit my teeth and just fight on.. "how else you think we got here" blah blah blah.. yeah you get my drift.. thankful for the friends whom have provided me with so much support.. Right now, I am feeling so much better.. was worst for wear 2 wks ago.. very very grateful that my friend yat agreed to meet me last minute, cheered me up and could really understand and provided me with positive reframing of what I otherwise thought was a sucky- of the suckiest situation!

Seriously, I would like to know how my bosses are thinking about my work.. I did not have my 6 mth review which ppl in my office had.. I do hope to have my 1 yr review.. It's like a compass.. a map.. and for me.. to know where I am going and the path that I had walked..

But I have been feeling reali tired recently, and not rested.. hope this will pass.. reli hope this will pass!!!

Can't wait for 21 Apr 2007 ----- I miss my GURLS!!!!!!!! ANDREA, ARFAH, NORNIE,LINDA!!! here I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geram..

This blog entry written when I was feeling very pissed.. Have you ever felt reali pissed that you wanted to cry?? Or maybe you not the crying type of person... Haiya... Ok.. I am a crybaby.. I cry when I am sad, when I am angry, when I am stressed.. Bottom line... I like to get it out of my system...

I DO NOT like it when people take me for granted.. No SERIEEE... I hate it.. ANd what I cannot stand is UNFAIRNESS!!! reli reli UNFAIRNESS.... and seriously, I do not feel that I am being treated fairly... But perhaps it is all PERCEPTION? that I do not get the same treatment becos she thinks I can handle it? I dunno.. Or maybe I am just too idealistic lah thinking that I should receive what everyone else does..

Just feeling very very very tired rite now.. Haven been reli productive.. But it is alright.. We all have our moments.. Goin to give myself time to just goof off..

Was just listening to Madonna's song.. Frozen.. love this part of the lyrics:
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so concerned with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken when your heart's not open
----
Maybe I am rite now only seeing what I wanna see... AND>>>>> I am learning that Life cannot be EXACTLY how I want it to be..

I guess it is just hard that I do not get support at home.. Dun reli want to discuss issues at home cos Mum tends to minimise it.. I know it is her way of supporting me.. But seriously, at this point in time, I do not need support in that nature.. I want someone to sayang sayang me..

Whatever it is.. I am pissed.. I hate feeling Like I am treated for granted!