Madness

I THINK I MIGHT JUST HAVE SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR SOMETHING NUTTY! OH WELL.... CARPE DIEM

Am burnt, tired and just muddling through right now. Till july comes. Insya Allah.

90% there

humm...how do I go about typing this entry? dunno.. even though my other entries have largely been a stream of consciousness, there always is a very natural start to them... ok let's start anyhow. Basically from dec until feb, I have had such horrid horrid of horridest times.... very very difficult times. But I had forgotten to take time out during those times to reflect on the good times that I also had during the difficult times. But basically, I think the problems while some were things I could not control, others were also my doing I think. But, in all, I am very happy that I've pulled through, tackled it head on and got my wits around me. I am also very very thankful with the HUGE support that I have received from my collegues and good friends. Everyone have been wonderful in supporting me. I think I am very very blessed. I have some of the BEST-TEST friends EAVER! These are the people who are so god damn supportive of me and at the end of the day, so determined in seeing me happy. So so so blessed in having these people in my inner circle. The words that have really woke me up from my "aa...oh oh I am so down bla bla bla" was a car ride conversation I had with my friend Yat - he told me, you know Wati, in the social service line, I see so many people struggling to just make it or not to go down further and compared to them, our problems are so small. And you know what, HE IS SO RIGHT! really he is...he reli reli reli is. The course I attended - CBT by the CBT centre from NZ also helped A LOT... even though it was for suicidal client, the basic principals and concept, I feel are also applicable to myself in order to have a more positive living to life and feel so overwhelmed.
I've been telling so many people that I am in a limbo, a pitch-forked situation with regards to staying or leaving (in my job) and that being in a limbo had been very tough for me, COS I HATE TO BE IN A LIMBO! I guess that is me, I love absolutes..I hate the grey areas and that's why I grapple cos adulthood and life, fundamentally is about dealing with the grey areas. Ok to cut it short, I think meeting up with Mushi on saturday have been very very helpful too...haha in her sarcastic way, she told me, "Wati, it seems like you already made the choice!" Yup she is right. I think deep inside I HAVE made the decision. I just am so afraid to take the step. And I guess, ironically, it is easier to be in limbo cos' if a mistake is made, one can always point to the fact that one haven't committed to the decision. But, at the end of the day, it is very important to commit, take the step, roll with it, work hard, take things when it comes and more importantly, ENJOY the process and not to forget to smell the flowers and the beautiful life I do have. Even though I kinda have made the decision, the swing vote would depend on my conversation/talk with my manager on wednesday. Once that is done, I probably would make the decision and roll with it! :)

Learning to learn

Let's just say that the weeks that have passed have had good times but more bad times... especially when it comes to work... Really feeling as if I was hit by a bus, then a truck, and now, a container. Sometimes I feel that it really irritates me that there is just so much to do and only 24 hours to do everything..not even 24 hours because, I am human, and I need to eat and I need to sleep and I need to chill..I've got so much needs...

At the end of the day, I don't know if I can reconcile it with myself. I don't see how other people see things..I don't see how is it that people think I am coping?...How is it that people think I am ok? Borrowing words from Sidney Poitier, We are all struggling....and really I do feel I am struggling..I feel like the duck...seemingly calm on the surface but paddling like no one's business everywhere else..Feeling jus too much...

So many things that I want to learn this year..I want to learn how to be independent .. I feel that I am rather dependent on people..I am thankful that there are so many people who have been so kind..but i've got to try...try to be alright by myself..just so that..I can be ok..even though other people are not around...just so...

Bah!!! No no no..pls don't think I am suicidal or anything.. Just feeling low...and I do have my low moments..

Mid Jan 2008

and so pay day is coming. But I am not so happy or jumpy.. am I appreciative of the raise? Yesh of course. But is the work really worth it? I don't know. It is getting to me that I am not giving quality to my work. Shall use sat to look through all my case files and think of what I am supposed to do. Sigh!

I am tired. I dunno why but I am tired. T I R E D. Can't seem to get out of this mode. Anything else is transitory. Am I burnt out? Dunno. But I am just very T I R E D ! ! !

Am I happy at times? Of course. Do I enjoy some parts of my job? Of course. But is this all life is about? Can't one be happy at A L L times?

Ok it is 3.16 am and I got to get to work in 5 hrs time. Shit!

2008

The weeks leading up the New Year was nothing but FANTABULOUS!!!!!!! all the way from 16 Dec 2007.. Had a family gathering, had friends gathering, had lots and lots of pressies, went to chill in KL with my family doing nothing but shopping. Came back to Singapore and forced myself to clear my cupboard and rearranged the clothes I had.....

The only thing bad I could think of happening was cutting my thumb when I cut my cake during the family gathering.. haha nothing like a lil' bit on blood on a happy occasion (GOsh, totally sounding like Countess Dracula)

While work in the office has been piling, and at times I feel like I'm going to just collapse. However, the support has been great. I've sort out some beef I had with my boss and also had found some good collegues.. DO I dare to think of them as friends? Dunnno. Really Dunno. I dun dare to even invite them home yet.. haha so yea.. But I was very shocked at the pressies they bought me. I went on leave during my bdae (18 dec) all the way till 26 Dec.. and when I came back.. Oh la la... I had so much things! I had a new hello kitty keyboard, brooch, locket, loewe coin purse and also dior make up set! Oh la la.. SHocked you know very shocked.. THey really knew what I wanted and bought it for me!!! When I came to office, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. well until I was given the new case. But still, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. Very happy...

Then it was work, and I felt tired...waking up everyday.. I really think my health is not as good now.. cos' I've gained too much weight. heavy then become tired... okok.. But.. coming back to the point.. me, arfah, mushi planned to spend time with yani.. make her happy and also spend New Year together..Everything started out well.. we were laughing and all..then we moved to Arab St.. then who did I chance upon? Him la.. the him who I haven't seen for the past 2 yrs or so.. The him who I used to share my thoughts, feelings, everything.. and the him who I kinda put out of my mind cos' he was out of sight.. truth is, I was damn shocked to see him on New Years Eve.. very the DENG rite.. Held on to Mushi's arm quite tightly... Think she quite blur and did not know what was happening la cos' she probably thought it was me going to fall down. okok so anyway.. things went ok.. I went to eat murtabak.. and then went to East Coast..walk walk.. talk a bit..took a long drive.. and then... when I come home..found him msg me on facebook?! hello what happened to sms ah..why ah? you want me to snoop around is it?! entah eh.. Just feel very loser la.. it's like he has his education now, his new girl..me? dunno eh.. just feel loser that I dun have anyone special in my life..thanks to Nick, Yani, Arfah and ND who put things in perspective.. Yup.. shock la shock la.. Move on..

Ok.. So.. 2007 - how wld I put it.. A HUGE LEARNING JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!! HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Started the year with a rude shock.. Had an extremely mean client who frightened the shit out of me.. I went to bed at times dreaming that he would hit me. Was very scared dealing with him. I remember crying and shaking and could not even see him. My AM was extremely reassuring. Handled it for me. Processed the situation with me. Then there was this other group of ppl who got me my favourite choc so that I will be reassured... Then came the beef with my boss.. Dunno what first started it but I felt extemely unsupported. Didn't help that I was feeling stressed and I was comparing the help she gave another officer as compared to me. I felt so unfairly treated. A feeling I hated. But through that time, nice ppl sat with me, helped me. And that made me stay on in the job. I almost quit. At different times, I almost wanted to tender my resignation. So with the inputs and shit stiring from different sides..I felt more and more angry.. But Alhamdulilah. I am able to calm down and think things thro. I found strength to talk to my boss. Before that, I went to talk to my mentor. Had a dinner with her. Processed with her what I was going to say. and on that day, I found the strength to be honest with my boss, really honest. I must say, a cloud was lifted on that day. I cried. I cried in front of her towards the end. Cos' I realised her limitations were due to the fact she aint perfect cos' she was human and that I wasnt perfect too. I cried because I felt relief. Relief at the thought that she was not picking on me. She was able to see my strength. I learnt that I needed to trust myself more. I realised I had a good boss. She could handle me. I am a rather hard officer to handle. She could handle my honesty and sometimes bluntness with poise, respect and openess.

I also found time to spend more time with my friends. I think I have made choices. Some friends, I make concerted effort to spend time with them. Other friends, a Hi and Bye. Other friends, well.. Humm..wonder what happened to them.

I realised that I am a happier person (except for the day when I met him la..cos' shocked). I take things in my stride. I've learnt to juggle. To be stressed, hyperventilate and breathe. I learnt that I can do things. I also learnt to trust myself. So what lies in 2008?

Very importantly, I need to realise that I deserve to be loved by a special person. I don't think I have realised that. I have to learn that I come first. I have to learn that I need to put in effort to look good. I need to learn that it is important to put in effort to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to enjoy and let go. I need to learn that work is work, life is life and that life, in its complexity, is actually simple.

So what is my new years resolution

1) Take time to wear make up to work
2) Take time to exercise
3) Take time to have regular facials
4) Take time to say No and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
5) Take time to travel (hoping that Uzbekiztan and Moscow becomes a reality)
6) Do my work well, act as a professional, be a professional
7) Make time for friends and family
8) Widen my social circle
9) Fall in love if I can (doesn't mean it has to be a relationship - miss the fuzzy feeling in the tummy wummy)
10) Be a good daughter and sister
11) FALL IN LVOE WITH MYSELF

Need to think

I need to take time to reminice about 2007. I feel that right now, I am aimless... Not that I am not happy. I am just bored with all the chaos. Need to think but not now. Need to sleep!

Social Life

It has been some time since I took time out and spent time laughing and talking and almost crying with friends... Really enjoyed my dinner with the girls (Nornie, Arfah and Doreen) laughed and laughed at each other's antics and especially at Nornie's boyfriend.. Sweet sak... they were at the same place but must call each other using hp.. Ish Ish Ish.. haha and Nornie obviously had to go and "bake her cake" in the middle of the dinner... haha.. (wonder if she will kill me after reading this post).. Oh well.. all in all it was fun... we were even treating it like our own mini karoake.. Can't blame us.. the song's were all sappy love songs (oh i cant have him anymore, or oh my heart broke kinda songs) and oh oh.. how can I forget the YOU LIFT ME UP... goodness.. now the song will always make me laugh -> all thanks to Arfah, yea yea... the sweat marks under the pitts...

I had a very good "reflection" moment with Doreen in the car ride... I really needed that... Been a long time since a friend's touching words brought tears to my eyes... Thanks gurl... and the words she said really really touched me.. But I was laughing when she pointed out how I can be a totally blur person and "leave debris behind me".. <- that's a very true observation.. And at the end of the day, I feel blessed for having good friends. Friends who love me as much as I love them, if not more... and I feel more blessed knowing that I will meet them on 18 dec again.... Eh to those friends I forgot to invite...cos' I only told a few (in case my leave doesn't get approved).. Having a get together on 18 dec.. jom... why? so I can spend the day with people I love!!!

Well, tonight, I screwed my work and am going to sleep with a good and happy light heart. Knowing that I have good friends. MUACHIES..

The Measure of a Man - What is life about?

I've been very tired and very draggy for the past few weeks.... It was only till I took a short break away and slept my days away that I rejuvenated myself. Have been taking things slow in terms of going out, cutting myself some slack and also taking stock and enjoying the lil successes that I have in a day - keying my case notes, making phone calls, request for reports, writing reports...etc and the list goes on.... I tik rite now, I am taking pride in the lil' things I have done... Too much rushing aint that good either... Sometimes when u rush, u lose sight of the process and the end that you've envisioned in sight ... is just going to be that... a vision.... (wah ok very chim)

I finally completed the book - The Measure of a Man - a spiritual autobiography by Sidney Poitier... I must say that the book really speak to me... from his belief that things could be better in his younger days, his strong sense of passion and how he describes that he also has a fear of failure.... Aren't we all then a contradiction... Or at least I am... Sometimes I ask myself, How can I be filled with so much faith in myself and yet consumed with self-doubt at the same time...

Sometimes I do feel that I am so afraid of letting down the hopes that people have in me and also the positive thoughts that some people in the office have of me... when people say, oh... I want to train u... or oh I see that you can go far... It really ignites the spirit... But at the same time, I do feel as if I am living up to something... and that...I do not like... For I've always believed that it is more important to judge yourself with your own yardstick... and continue to improve oneself every single day.. But oh well... I am human and am a sucker for praises....

K.... It's now 6.42 am... Goin to prepare to go to work soon.... Leaving good powerful quotes from the book I've just finished reading.... and I take pleasure form this 2 quotes - as it reminds me of what I am - HUMAN

" We're all of us a little greedy. (Some of us are plenty greedy). We're all somewhat courageous, and we're all considerably cowardly. We're all imperfect, and life is simply a perpetual, unending struggle against those imperfections."

"... I'm responsible for not what happens but for what I make of it. It's up to me to take my own measure, to claim what's real, to answer for myself."

~ Beautiful??!! Go read the book many more good quotes... And may today be a better day as I make good the opportunities given to me as I continue in my journey to improve myself. God Willing :)

Cheerios

U can't control other ppl, Only urself

"you can't control other people, only yourself"!!! How many times have we heard the line... I've realised that it is so hard to control yourself when the situation is not a perfect one.. or when the situation is not what you expected it to be... You are left grinting your teeth and you whine and grine and whine about how unperfect the situation is... Well, what I can say is that some amount of whining is alright and even therapeutic as it enables the negative to get out of one's system... However, too much of it will just leave one incapacitated...

I've had a very enlightening talk with someone I will not consider a friend.. She forced me to think of an alternative way of thinking about the situation... and while it is quite tough to swallow, it does have some element of realism and truth in it...

I have to calm down and realise that I cannot control the emotions of that person... I cannot control how that person react to me.. I can control my professionalism and how I react to that person..

Tommorrow is another day... With a new day, comes new opportunities

In the toilet

There is a point to this entry....and I do hope I will be able to make that point.. K first things first.. my brain feels like goo...and also feels like there are thousand million things running around at a speed of dunno wat la... well all the unknown things are running fast..

K anyway, I was sitting at the toilet bowl la, reading Cleo mag, and came to this section wic asked for opinions from girls on whether they call their ex if they are drunk and how they feel about it... K I am sure what I was thinking was totally out of point with what the poll was trying to do, but I was just thinking... Isn't it amazing, we, as humans, can spend part of our lives with someone, and then just get over it... Hum... the strength of the human spirit I must say....

Now back to the report writing...

Pissy pissy

Was damn pissed today... but it cld be tat i jus want some time and also support frm the mngt.. my boss like so tidak apa.. tat it gets to me also... haiya.. but cld it be that she thinks i can handle my work and therefore leave me to my own devices?? tat can be considered a good thing rite?? whatever la... i can't expect things to be perfect... move on wati move on...

One Year On...

Wow... as I am typing this, I feel extremely surreal... It has been a whole year since I started this job... and the truth is, I feel like I've been doing this for longer than one year... the things that I have learnt, have been so inspiring, heart-breaking but all in all, opened my eyes and forced me to look at reality while holding on to my idealistic beliefs, faith and staying true to myself..

In this one year, I have learnt to let down my guard, put my guard up, mind my own business, have faith, learn to trust and yet learnt that some ppl are just assholes.. I have also learnt that I am extremely fortunate and lucky... I have wonderful and fantabulous friends who have helped me throughout the journey, and also close collegues who have stayed by my side even though I had been a brat at times... So thankful.. so so so thankful! :)

And so tommorrow is a new day, with new challenges (not problems), new excitements and new opportunities...

Alhamdulilah, I still see the positives in this world! :)

Rainy Wed

I reali feel that I am not taking good care of myself... very poor self-care I must say and I am tempted ever so often to be an ostrich... and I do feel that it shows in my work. Even my AM was asking me how I was doing a report as she felt that I have written better reports before.. Wic is true because I was damn tired doing it and I just wanted it to be done and over with...

Suddenly there is just so so much to do... It's crazy... But I really must learn how to deal with it because I do feel I am coming to full load... if not now super super soon... and at the end of the day, must remember that it is all for the best interest of the children!!!

And how do I know that I am getting too tired? I get very irritated with my clients and have caught myself yelling at them and being unprofessional at times. I also get very short tempered, both at work and also with my clients.. and I got to catch myself and stop myself...

I need to relax... Focus, and realise that I am human, but I need to do the best I can.. Tenacity..
Insya Allah

State of OK

Something just dawned on me as I was writing my report... No no... I wasn't slogging over it.. It's mostly done ... left one tiny part which I am taking my own sweet time to do.. Anyway, back to the earlier thought... I just realised that I have an issue dealing with the "ok" moments in my life. You know the moments where it ain't particularly rah-rah- or particularly sad... It's when you feel everything is moving normally... at an alright speed and you can handle it... Why ah I wonder? Do I like drama so much?? ANd if so why? Cos when things are alright, I tend to want more!!! Don't get me wrong it's not that I am not contented... I am ... I just want more.. More...

Haiz... okok... So, some people in the office have been saying that I am very Teh.. and that I can get away with things... But I really don't think so you know...!!!

Utterly Rubbish

I sit wide awake rite now, and I find that it is UTTERLY rubbish.. I have been having horrid jolt-me awake nights since Sunday... I really think that it is cos' I am starting work on 13 June 2007, a Wed... and before I wrote my tots down on my blog, the amount of work I have to catch up with is flashing through my mind..I am getting nostalgic by the fact that I can't catch afternoon tvs no more or laze on my 2nd floor, with air con blasting, cold water in my hand, and then play with my bro! oh goodness! I reali dun know why but I am gettin nostalgic over the lil' things, like sleepin in, like watching tons of MTV, like going out with my friends.. I think I just had such a blast this hols... a real blast that I can't bear to give it up... But I find my inability to sleep utterly ridiculous... Or am I just SOOO well rested that I cannot sleep? Oh goodness.. I must really thank my friends for making my hols oh so fun... I have managed to see all of my friends but one, and spent some quality (tho' short) time playing with my brother... I do pity him and I realised that he feels lonely... But can't be so enmeshed also cos' I got my own stuff to do... Haiya how I wished I was superwoman and I have the energy to do millions and kazillions of stuff... and I have more than 24 hrs.. But I don't and all I can do is to do the best with what I've got! Pheeweh... @ least it is out of my system!

Refreshed

It has been such a long time since I felt this sense of calmness and contentment... I truly haven had this for a long period of time.. As I am writing this, I am midway on my leave... some more days to go and I told myself that I will try my best to enjoy it, God Willing.

Talking to Doreen before the other girls came was reali insightful.. and I tik it is true.. Ultimately, this is my first ever real job.. yesh I did relief teaching and all.. but at the end of the day this is my FIRST EAVER real job... and it is tough.. the world out there is different.. and I think I have been blessed... @ the end of the day, it could have been worst..

I was pondering jus now and I realised that I ain't proud of how I handled some stuff.. truly I haven.. But I do feel as if I had made things rite before I left...In my own way I felt I have, even if the person or other people did not think I have... I did something which I did not want to do, contribute to the office gossip, instead of jus shutting my trap.. and I feel tat in some ways, I have hurt some people... Life at the end of the day is an extremely reciprocal thing.. sometimes you do not get what you want and you are not dealt with the best of cards, but ultimately it is about how you react to the situation that will make it different, or will change the outcome...

I am a lil bit ashamed of myself.. I dunno, and I fear and I really hope not.. things which I confided in certain people in the office, remain where they are... But I have come to realised that walls have ears and people have bigger mouths... But whatever I have done, as one of my fren put it, is done, it is out there, what I can control are things which I haven't done.... and that, I am determined to control and set right..

I am very lucky that there are people in the office who looks out for me... I haven been perfect, and there were times I know I have thrown my weight around and acted all spoilt.. But they still came around, and for that I am lucky.. If they did not like me, I would and could be miserable, so I am counting my blessing...

I realised during this holiday, that it is so important to focus on myself, me..I... and I haven't done that.. It is also important to surround yourself with people who love you and whom you love.. My friends are truly wonderful ... I haven't been around much for them, and yet, when I am free, they are around, and we always have a blast.. for that I cannot be more than thankful for.. :)

I have embarked on a project... it's a lil exciting for myself...Shhhhhhh...Details in a month's time

I have decided that I can't truly fault people around, I have got to be an adult, a professional and I can't expect to be dealt with a perfect set of cards... But what I can do, is as much as humanely possible, react to them as perfectly and as wonderfully as I can..

For the rest of my hols, I am going to enjoy myself@!!!!

Btw, I am broke... haha cos' I bought, I, me... bought my first ever DIOR bag.. oh ... I am sooo in love with it... It truly is my highest peak of retail therapy... Many thanks to Noni who followed me around.... she must have gotten bored with my repeated questioning!!! BUT LOVE U NONI.. and love my bag too!!!!

Loving Myself

Finally spent some quality time with my dear GURU...Ms Arafah.. I have made a decision.. Yup, the need to be healthy.. I need to love myself more.. and what best to put my new resolution in motion... RETAIL THERAPY... I've never bought myself a diamond ring.. So, I told myself, I am sooo going to get myself a diamond ring soon... (when I have cash to spare) to remind myself that I am married to myself, I need to love myself more... hahah until I find someone who loves me more than I love myself.. But at this point I doubt that person exist.. till then, I shall love myself, do my best and treat myself well... Yup yup... WATI IS BACK! :) No more mopping arnd.. hahhaa @ least not till tommorrow.

Nuff said

Haven been reli thankful for what I have.. Why? Well minor probs here and there lah.. But I guess it's my expectations or idealism...

Basically.. things aren't that bad.. So much things to do.. I've asked for leave in June 07 but the big bosses haven got back to me.. I think I need short breaks thro out the year to keep my sanity and prevent from burn out..

Anyways.. I can't be an ostrich in this job.. Still learning.. Forever will be learning.. I guess I take myself too seriously.. N could be expecting too much of people.. Need to reflect.. Everyone got 24 hrs and 2 hands and 2 feet.. I can't expect too much.. Need to be realistic.. Root word... REALISTIC... hahha

So yea.. nuff said.. life ain't that bad.. and It's a hard lesson I need to learn.. Sometimes it is enuf when things are OK. or ... things could be worst!!

Labour Day

hahha... Very farnie lah.. Why is labour day called labour day when most of us are not labouring on the day??? hahha I can't figure it out lah.. but whatever... I had a great day today!! Woke up late, caught Spiderman 3.. (wic I feel was very sad!), saw CLueLeSS and Legally Blonde 1 on DVD... Ahhh so nice!!! hahah Can feel the sunny, bright, Oh I can face the world me coming up!! Later on going to put on mask.. Ta ta ta....

Managed to put my various receipt for transport claims together.. Haiz...

Not really looking forward to the days and weeks coming cos' I know it is going to be a tough week ahead.. But what to do right?? I can't be a total ostrich and not want to be involved... I have to do my work.. I need to learn how to be more productive.. Damn it lah.. So many times I said that already.. But it is really hard to focus when your heart is tense.. but that wastes time I learnt..

Haiz.. I tik i got some powerful quotes from Spiderman 3... 1. "Forgive yourself" 2. Choice...
Ain't that right.. Choice... But most of the time the hardest choice is the hardest to do.. So why is it hard?? Haiya kk shall end tonight on a positive note.. Looking forward to Sat.. to spend some time with my Social Work mates!!!

Lesson

I learnt that :

1. I got to stand up for myself
2. Concentrate and put my efforts at my own work cos' I will have to stand up for my work
3. Hard work and Iron clad determination pays off.. I learnt that.. Now to internalise that..
4. I cannot work for a person.. I need to work for a department and for myself..
5. Tired.. Need to sleep!!