Nuff said

Haven been reli thankful for what I have.. Why? Well minor probs here and there lah.. But I guess it's my expectations or idealism...

Basically.. things aren't that bad.. So much things to do.. I've asked for leave in June 07 but the big bosses haven got back to me.. I think I need short breaks thro out the year to keep my sanity and prevent from burn out..

Anyways.. I can't be an ostrich in this job.. Still learning.. Forever will be learning.. I guess I take myself too seriously.. N could be expecting too much of people.. Need to reflect.. Everyone got 24 hrs and 2 hands and 2 feet.. I can't expect too much.. Need to be realistic.. Root word... REALISTIC... hahha

So yea.. nuff said.. life ain't that bad.. and It's a hard lesson I need to learn.. Sometimes it is enuf when things are OK. or ... things could be worst!!

Labour Day

hahha... Very farnie lah.. Why is labour day called labour day when most of us are not labouring on the day??? hahha I can't figure it out lah.. but whatever... I had a great day today!! Woke up late, caught Spiderman 3.. (wic I feel was very sad!), saw CLueLeSS and Legally Blonde 1 on DVD... Ahhh so nice!!! hahah Can feel the sunny, bright, Oh I can face the world me coming up!! Later on going to put on mask.. Ta ta ta....

Managed to put my various receipt for transport claims together.. Haiz...

Not really looking forward to the days and weeks coming cos' I know it is going to be a tough week ahead.. But what to do right?? I can't be a total ostrich and not want to be involved... I have to do my work.. I need to learn how to be more productive.. Damn it lah.. So many times I said that already.. But it is really hard to focus when your heart is tense.. but that wastes time I learnt..

Haiz.. I tik i got some powerful quotes from Spiderman 3... 1. "Forgive yourself" 2. Choice...
Ain't that right.. Choice... But most of the time the hardest choice is the hardest to do.. So why is it hard?? Haiya kk shall end tonight on a positive note.. Looking forward to Sat.. to spend some time with my Social Work mates!!!

Lesson

I learnt that :

1. I got to stand up for myself
2. Concentrate and put my efforts at my own work cos' I will have to stand up for my work
3. Hard work and Iron clad determination pays off.. I learnt that.. Now to internalise that..
4. I cannot work for a person.. I need to work for a department and for myself..
5. Tired.. Need to sleep!!

Good Weekend

This weekend was a good weekend... I did not touch any of my work on Sat and only started on Sun evening.. that I feel, did wonders... I am smiling more now.. Oh goodness.. and the pedicure I had just now was jus fantabulous.. ahhhhh... hehhe...

I did some smart things also this week... Was reading, Swimming with the Sharks without being eaten alive.. by Harvey Mackay and it has given me some inputs on how I wanna go about with work...

I think @ the end of the day, It feels good to know I did a good work to the best of my abilities.. and from now on, I shall not only know what I need to do, but get off my butt to do it.. Lesser time walking around in the office, more chop chop doing things.. and more planning.. so I do not waste precious time!!!

Heard from boss that I got a new case tommorrow.. wow.. what can I say? Let the work begin!!

haiya.. today @ work, didn't turn out too badly.. It sucks for me to feel like crap.. I have an issue I think to wanna feel wonderful.. I ain't contented with just feeling ok.. Dunno why also.. Sigh!! I guess things can be worst... Have to think like a professional and act like a professional.. Have to learn to just be ok with ok..

in malay

Kau tau aku dah nak giler biler I go on and on in Malay.. yeah.. skarang ah aku ni nak jadi giler.. so overworked.. and damn people semua tak realise ah.. ingat aku robot ka pa..

so last wk cakap advance kan aku case pasal the others ader training.. lepas tu macam aku pun tak der training ka pa... merepek.. ok tu tak pasall.... abih kena jerit dengan direct supervisor.. oi.. aku ni dah working my butt off... lepas tu.. kena jerit.. aku tak der feeling ka pa? ok tak per.. aku relak time weekend... try buat report.. and hoping this wk relak cos diorang cakap kasi aku break for next allocation..

abih niari supposed to be my off lah eh.. tak per.. nak gi kerja pasal old case coming and nak buat final touches to court report.. abih... pagi pagi.. siol!! telefon.. cakap aku kena case..

oi... korang ni giler ke? tak sioman ke? tak masuk akal ke? aper ke? then biler aku cakap kat phone aku penat.. diorang ketawa.. eh.. giler ke...

ok skarang aku pun nak naik giler.. nak gi kerja.. siol.. is there a light at the end of the tunnel.. if there is it better come quickly.. cos' skarang.. pitch black sak..

Blank

feeling super blank now.. i've been working for like 16 hrs shift.. that it is irritating the living hells out of me... I hate it... I missing out for so much.. and sometimes I feel so urrgh.. but I do enjoy some bits of it at times..

well.. now i am jus blank and tot of putting in ramdom tots on my blog.

wld be nice to have a massage right now. shoulder cramp.. similar cramp i had when i was in jc.. and later in hons year.. so i know that i am working blardy hard..

being rudder to ppl now.. glad that people have been extra forgiving towards me. very blessed for tat. people going out of their way to help me also.

tired, cramped, piece of shit.. blank random tots.. i jus wana sleep and sleep.. i miss sleeping.. i reli jus miss chiling and sleeping

and my shoulder is cramped. my head feels heavy. wanna cut my hair. enuf randomness

random

This entry is totally goin to be totally random.. speaks a whole lot to my state of consciousness at this juncture.. Supposed to be writing a report. BUT, I just can't concentrate so why bother right.. well I ain't got a choice.. report ain't that hard lah.. but I realised there is a lot of information that I am missing at this point. not that it is bad.. I got the basic stuff I need lah..

BUt I need to feel more relaxed then it would flow out more nicely.. Dunno.. I just do not feel happy when the standard of work I give is not up to par.. It sucks when the person you are fighting with is yourself..

Lately, I've noticed that I have done things which I really regret after doing it.. the things I have said to people (which I think are mean) and the things I do.. I really hope that at the end of the day, I would be able to hold on to my integrity, my passion for life and my idealism.. Increasingly, I realised that it is getting harder and harder.. Life ain't bad for me.. But perhaps I've had it too good?? I still am trying to just smile.. and smile.. But work is tough.. the cases are getting tougher at times and I find myself being tired ...

Can't really share difficulties with my family cos my parents are the type who would tell me to grit my teeth and just fight on.. "how else you think we got here" blah blah blah.. yeah you get my drift.. thankful for the friends whom have provided me with so much support.. Right now, I am feeling so much better.. was worst for wear 2 wks ago.. very very grateful that my friend yat agreed to meet me last minute, cheered me up and could really understand and provided me with positive reframing of what I otherwise thought was a sucky- of the suckiest situation!

Seriously, I would like to know how my bosses are thinking about my work.. I did not have my 6 mth review which ppl in my office had.. I do hope to have my 1 yr review.. It's like a compass.. a map.. and for me.. to know where I am going and the path that I had walked..

But I have been feeling reali tired recently, and not rested.. hope this will pass.. reli hope this will pass!!!

Can't wait for 21 Apr 2007 ----- I miss my GURLS!!!!!!!! ANDREA, ARFAH, NORNIE,LINDA!!! here I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geram..

This blog entry written when I was feeling very pissed.. Have you ever felt reali pissed that you wanted to cry?? Or maybe you not the crying type of person... Haiya... Ok.. I am a crybaby.. I cry when I am sad, when I am angry, when I am stressed.. Bottom line... I like to get it out of my system...

I DO NOT like it when people take me for granted.. No SERIEEE... I hate it.. ANd what I cannot stand is UNFAIRNESS!!! reli reli UNFAIRNESS.... and seriously, I do not feel that I am being treated fairly... But perhaps it is all PERCEPTION? that I do not get the same treatment becos she thinks I can handle it? I dunno.. Or maybe I am just too idealistic lah thinking that I should receive what everyone else does..

Just feeling very very very tired rite now.. Haven been reli productive.. But it is alright.. We all have our moments.. Goin to give myself time to just goof off..

Was just listening to Madonna's song.. Frozen.. love this part of the lyrics:
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so concerned with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken when your heart's not open
----
Maybe I am rite now only seeing what I wanna see... AND>>>>> I am learning that Life cannot be EXACTLY how I want it to be..

I guess it is just hard that I do not get support at home.. Dun reli want to discuss issues at home cos Mum tends to minimise it.. I know it is her way of supporting me.. But seriously, at this point in time, I do not need support in that nature.. I want someone to sayang sayang me..

Whatever it is.. I am pissed.. I hate feeling Like I am treated for granted!

Sucky

crap lah... feeling crap.. jus had a tiff with my mum.. or so I tik... watever lah..
feeling a bit down.. dunno if it is flu or what.. need more vit c!

watever lah! watever!

state of blankness

this post is going to be so random.. all the thoughts going thro my head right now..

thankful for friends who have helped to give me instructions while I faced trouble at work.. LEarning how to be an adult and a professional.. I din know that it was so hard to be an adult.. It sucks.. The world is not how I tik it should be.. I am learning how to be a realist...

Trying to spend enough time with work friends, in activties and be more efficient.. also spent the entire Sat with my family.. Very tired.. Jus realised that I might have cut myself too thin.. So tired that I find it hard to drag my fat bum..

Feeling irritated about my weight and the fact that I can't fit into so many of my clothes rite now.. Damn broke already.. and it is so long till my next pay day.. Something is wrong with the way I manage my finances..

Loving singlehood and my life right now.. But feeling like I wanna belong to someone..

K enough said.. Feel so much better now

LUVEEE...

I love the song My Wish by Rascal Flatts.... It really sums up what I hope the partner I hope to fall in love with will wish for me... I LOVE IT... hahha but sounds very idealistic!!! But I love it!!!

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.

But More than anything,
Yeah, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

SWOONZZ.. Got anyone like this out there?? Muahhaha..

And... my parents keep on harping that I am fat and put on weight.. and my work collegues keep on harping that I am fat and have put on weight!! PEOPLE I GET IT!! Enough already!! Getting on my nerves!

RudeBox

Feeling quite bad rite now.. cos I was very rude to my manager jus now... I stormed into a meeting that she was having with the other heads just to ensure that she follows me for a case discussion. Haiya.. one of my collegue said that I looked as if I was throwing a temper tantrum.. shit.. So unlike me... my assessment of the situation?

I did not carry myself very well.. I should have not done what I had done because it was not professional.. Shit.. Why did I do it? Seems that everytime I am stressed I would regress and really act all immature.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!!!!! I think I must have internalised my stress that is why.. On the surface it seems like I am alright but actually I am not.. sigh! Deep sigh! Am I just thinking too much? My collegue was telling me that I am lucky that people in the office do like me.. cos' if another person had thrown that temper tantrum the entire office sure to have made it a big issue...

ANNNDDD... not only was I throwing a temper tantrum.. I was rude and cranky tau!!! What is wrong with me?? SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

So what did I do? I messaged my manager.. apologising to her about the fact that I tot I was rude.. Bluurrghh that is all I can do right?!

Signing out... SOmeone SLAP ME!

Where is my HP?

SHIT! I CAN'T FIND MY HP! NOT IN MY BAG.. OR IN THE CAR.. I SWEAR I BELIEVED I HAD IT WITH ME.. SHALL LOOK IN THE CAR AGAIN TOMMORROW MORNING AND AT WORK.. IF NOT.... HAIYA...


AND MY GUM HURTS AGAIN.. SHIT LAH SHIT

You don't need to find a job you love...

I lurrvve the entry in MInd yOur body... Tot I sld post is as a reinforcement to myself!

- Technically... You DO NOT have to find a job you love.. you can learn to love your job.
- And at the end of the day, it is one's level of optimism and quality of relationships which have a bigger impact on one's happiness than one's job!!

- What is level of optimism? How we think at the very core.
- Therefore, being happy comes from the way we think at our very core - and that thinking shapes the work we do - not the other way round...

- and, rationalising behaviour - actually creates genuine happiness in a job...

- It serves to reinforce my mostest favourite therapy - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
in sum:: The way I THINK, Affect the way I FEEL, and therefore the way I
BEHAVE

- Though I got TONS to do tommorrow, shall do it with an open mind.. and just get on with it.. Insya Allah... :)

Sad Life Story

"Sad Life Story" ... Tat is how I describe things that do not go my way currently... and usually it is meant toungue in cheeck...

So how do I describe my life so far?? Well let's just say I am trying to learn what is necessary, find my resilience and better cope with the situation... I think in a way this job is making me grow up faster, be less naive and yet, when I realise the good things that have come and the positive changes I have made.. it serves to reinforce that all things are possible..

Real thankful for the break from office till Wed 21 Feb 2007.. tho' I brought back paperwork and report to do.. not complaining so much about that.. Need to be more productive at work, so as to prevent myself bringing work back home.. I can do it!!

Looking forward to see the JJ people soon!!! :)

Blessed

Feeling tired cos my interviewed ended at 10 p.m. ... but I feel good cos' it is a job well done.. and I feel so blessed coming from the family that I come from... Suddenly all the problems that I face seems so trivial.. And I feel blessed that I am in the position to do someting about situations... Alhamdulilah

It shall be a better day

It's a new week - Last wk of Jan 07.... My first weeks of 07 have been a roller coaster ride.. But I have survived it and as a famous person once said... "things pass"... good or bad... and it's true!!!

Anyway... This last wk of 07, I shall try my best, be positive, take life by it's horns and I want to start it by believing that it will be a good week ahead... come what may.. Insya Allah..

Bad DAY

WAS UTTERLY FRUSTRATED!! UTTERLY! FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! AND I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS THEIR PROMISE... FREAK MAN I'VE ONLY BEEN IN THIS SITUATION FOR A MERE 6 MTS... SO PLEASE NO EXCUSES COS YOU SUCK!

PISSED... I WAS SO PISSED THAT I CRIED... PISSED PISSED..

Feeling..

Feeling pensive and a lil' lovelorn... Since various songs would come to my mind everytime I feel a particular way... I realli wonder why the song by Ronan KEating, The Long Goodbye keeps coming up to my mind... seriously...

Whatever lah.. I love the lyrics... Described how I feel a particular time.. and esp the last line when ROnan sings... Am I coming back again? I guess I'm never coming back again...

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be ( so they say)
But those words don't pull me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin through the mill(climbin' up a hill)
Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard we try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over.. Let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance ( just one more chance)
But I know without a doubtT
hat we turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense ( only self defence)
But it tears me up insideJ
ust to think we still could tr
yHow long must we keep riding on a carousel
Goin round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)