Feeling..

Feeling pensive and a lil' lovelorn... Since various songs would come to my mind everytime I feel a particular way... I realli wonder why the song by Ronan KEating, The Long Goodbye keeps coming up to my mind... seriously...

Whatever lah.. I love the lyrics... Described how I feel a particular time.. and esp the last line when ROnan sings... Am I coming back again? I guess I'm never coming back again...

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be ( so they say)
But those words don't pull me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin through the mill(climbin' up a hill)
Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard we try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over.. Let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance ( just one more chance)
But I know without a doubtT
hat we turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense ( only self defence)
But it tears me up insideJ
ust to think we still could tr
yHow long must we keep riding on a carousel
Goin round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)

Year 2006

Everytime I think about yr 2006, I feel that I've not accomplished anything yet.. Dunno why... But then, when I reli started to think about what I had done this year...I realised that I had done so much that it just did not seem enough... An oxymoron??

First up, I graduated from UNI!!! Finally!!! And I managed it with the class of honours I wanted.. (not what I aimed for lah when I entered) but what I tot I cld work for when I looked at it realisticaly.. Alhamdulilah..

Second, I graduated Uni making new real frens, frens who have reali been there for me..and whom I feel I've known for eons... SHout out to Liling and Jianting especially..But I truly feel that the social work bunch are great..Truly.... Nick, Yat, Sugeeta...Haiz...so Blessed....To leave an experience with new friendship! :)

Third, I did not really have to try very hard to get the job that I wanted... And I realy think I haven't counted my blessings..SOmetimes, I do tend to take it for granted...

Fourth, I have stayed on my job for 6 months...I can still remember the first day where I wanted to cry and talked to Mushi at night..She realli calmed down my nerves..Thanks Mushi.. I love you so much girl..I feel that our friendship has really grown over the years..

Six, I have managed to stay in touch with my close frens, ...Arfah, Noni, Arafah, Edleen, Nd, Linda... I always feel so blessed to have good friends around.

Seven, I have managed to contribute to my family, and am spending quality time with them.

Eight, I realised, only very recently..that I will and shall not contact "him" anymore.. No more hard feelings... That was a chapter in my life... Both good times and bad..I shall carry the experience with me and make sure that I do better in my next relationship. Goodness..that realisation make you feel so free!! :)

Nine, even despite going into the real world, I still am..me... I still hold on to the belief that "there is goodness in everyone"...

...So 2006 was a fruitful year afterall....
...What's for 2007? I don't know yet... I shall come up with goals, and clear objectives..
...What I do know, Is that I wanna LIVE..and enjoy the everyday! :)

To everyone who have entered my life, one way or another, be it good or bad, thank you... the experience have made me who I am...May everyone have a wonderful 2007!

Good Dinner

I HAD A BLAST..THANKS..IT TOTALLY MADE MY DAY AND COVERED FOR YESTERDAY NITE'S HORRID DINNER WITH PARENTS... I CAN'T SAY THANK U ENUFF.. LOVE YOU LILING AND BEST FREN...WLD UPLOAD PICS LATER!!! I LOVEEEE IT!!

It Din Turn Out Da Way I Tot It Will Be

Today, is/was? can't decide which one to use.. anyway.. my Bdae... It started out well... and fun.. I had a pedi.. I spent time with my close gal pals... (shoutout to Arfah and Linda!!) Thanks babes.. You made my day.. Went shopping and loved getting bdae greetings the entire day... Bottom line the first part of my day went nice, well, fun, the way I tik I want my Bdae to turn out..

When I got home.. Haiz.. It's not what I thought it would be (I love the thought and care my brothers put into my presents...THo' they drive me insane, I tik I love them lots..No I don't think.. I do..) Anyway.. It's a family tradition to have bdae dinner together..and whereever it is.. It's always full of laughter and fun..But not this time for me... Mum was still in office at 8.30 p.m. so we went late..and Dad spent time in the golf course... And what I just couldn't stand it was when dad apologised for not being able to get me a present tho' he had the intention to cos he was busy.. Blardy F**ing hell..You had the time to play golf..Three holes at that..and you stopped cos of the rain... PLs lah.. I can't stand it when people give stupid excuses.. Dun want to do say so... It's about the effort man.. Whatever lah... ANd I cld see that he also like so tired at first and can't be bothered... So anyway, mum came late..sat down, asked me a qn and before I cld answer prop...dunno what lah she turned her attention to something else..Yesh I get it that she is busy and have a lot of work commitments but pls lah jus put it asider... Pet Peeve... If you ask me a qn..WAIT for me to ans..If you didnt want my ans to begin with, don't ask... Was so glad that Arfah was messaging me during dinner..I was so disappointed and angry.. I just kept quiet..So my dad asked me what are my plans with my friends and also what I did today..and he was like..wah they spent so much time with you..OKies lah I was so pissed I became sarcastic and said.."well, we can choose our friends, I wldnt want to spend time with ppl who didn't think I mattered or put the time". I kept quiet after that..and he tried to make short conversation.. Whatever lah.. And so I tik he cld sense that I was pissed lah.. Pls lah I am seldom sarcastic..but here I was so sarcastic and quiet.. So anyway, we went for dessert. ANd guess what Mum was all "oh... I am so tired blah blah blah.....But we went anyway.. Mum actually slept while Dad and Brother waited in line.. Wah kao.. Ok lor fine you don't want to talk and you want to show how tired you are..fine... I can't be bothered. And Mum went all like..oh no I don't want this I don't want that..It pissed Dad...and I was trying so hard okies not to burst out crying and just walk out of the dinner. .. it was the most horrid experience.... PLs lah if you are really tired..and don't want to put in the effort..then Don't.. Seriously... Crap... I didn't even bother to cut the cake lah.. Darrn it..I wun even touch it..Call it being petty..What the Hell.. I am entitled to being angry too.. Whatever lah.. But for the sake of my brothers and father I just tried to joke and all.. Guess what..I got so sad at home when my mum took this card that she bought but had not even written anything in it..PLs lah..Can't even spend some time is it ?? Is that all that I am worth.. I can't stand it.. I always have to put up the happy brave front and comfort everyone at home.. Yesh I admit I am lucky..But ppl don't see the effort that I put in.. And seriously, My family esp my parents have been taking me for granted.. Yesh its true..my mum wld sometimes msg me telling me what a wonderful daugther I am..blah..blah..to me..talk is cheap.. If anyone realli know me.. They wld know I dun reli care for presents..at the end of the day, spending QUALITY time with ppl I love and ppl who matter to me..that is what i crave for and want.. Maybe for some one bdae (My parents) I sld jus not bother..But I don't have the heart to do that.. Arrghh..Tommorrow wld be a better day.. Mum went .. oh tom, we do something, I pass you belated present. I just went...No, I spending time with my SW friends. FULL STOP. and I looked away.. WHATEVER!! I can't stand not being treasured... Arrghh..Not with money and all.. But seriously with heartfelt, sincere attention.

May tommorrow be a beter day.. I starting work!!! and I am 23 now

Being SHamelESS

MY BDAE IS COMING!!! Since so many people have asked me what I want.. I shall be shameless and write it down... Hahahha.. PLs..Silakan.. Select from the wide array of choices and make me happy...hahahhaa...... Seriously.. WHen I start to think about what I want for bdae.. I realised that I am so lucky...I have everything I need and most of what I want..Alhamdulilah... But nevertheless.. I shall sound like a spoiled brat...and my wishes are below...

1. A meal /coffee with my friends to just catch up

2. Dior charm-bracelet gloss

3. Bvlgari Perfume - Rose

4. Clinique Happy Heart

5. A make up set - with the works of lip gloss, blusher, eye shadow... Lancome/Mac/Dior/Estee
Lauder

6. Handphone Bracelet Strap from Coach - Pink Colour Pluuuzz (all Liling's fault I love her handphone strap)

7. Voucher from Dorothy Perkins / Metro / Marks & Spencer - So I can Shop for FREE!!!

~~~~ hehehe Shameless Firdawati signing out!!! :)

I LURRVE IT

I AM ON A LONG HOL AND I LOVE IT.. FROM 11 - 18 DEC... I GOIN TO KL FROM 13-17 DEC.. sadly mum cant go with us till later.. But I jus love the fact I can chill... oh goodness... And today on Sun nite.. I jus spent the nite chatting to Edleen and I love it.. And we were up to juvenile stuff and I love it.. I jus love the fact that I didn't need to think.. I spent the time watching MTV..and E...ahhh.. I lUURvvvee It... :) Happy rite now...

Crossing fingers that Mum will be alright and come up victorious! Insya Allah...

Erik Erikson

I was driving and listening to the radio... Then it dawned on me.. Damn I feel lonely... Don't get me wrong it is not that I am not thankful for what I have... Truth be told I think I do take things for granted at times but I am thankful for what I have.. Even though I gripe ever so often nowadays.

Anyway, back to the driving.. Guess what comes to my mind.. K let's see who I can call when I just feel like talking... SO I dialed a few numbers. Guess what...those ppl whom I tot wld not answer my call did and those I really tot would answer my call didn't... Not that I blame them lah cos I know that everyone got their own things to handle...

Ok let's detour again to what I was thinking.. So after I make the phone calls, I really thought about Erik Erikson's developmental theory... I am currently at the stage where I either find intimacy or isolation... While I don't entirely agree... I think Mr Erikson is rite ey... Cos I do find myself feeling lonely at times... And I do yearn for that special someone I can share milestones with, can talk with, someone who can really understand me and not judge me... hahhaa But I know that at this stage, I am grappling with the transition from work to school and finding out who I really am... Haiz.. But somehow I wonder.. Ok..then... I started to think of a pretty old old boy band - CODE RED... hahhaa... The good old secondary school times where I would yack on the phone for hours with so many many different people and did not feel lonely but oh so popular and wanted.. Ok back to CODE RED.. I thought about the song --- Is there someone out there, someone who cares for me, someone through the good and bad times too, is there someone out there, is it you? Sometimes I wonder, did I make the right decision to let him go? But I know I did.. cos that is me thinking when I am utterly lonely and it's neither fair to him nor good for me..

Life goes on.. My collegue who has become a friend to me said, TOmmorrow comes and tommorrow would be a better day... Insya Allah, God Willing, Tommorrow will be a better day..
Okies Now I feel good and sleepy... Weee...

Mood Swings

I have been soooo utterly sensitive recently... dunno why.. a lil' bit and I tell you I burst.. Cld it be that I hold it in while working with my client? I also dunno.. I do admire some people who reali do their work cognitively... Maybe like wat my mum say.. I think too much causing trouble for myself..Haiz... Haiz.. But I dun tik things are terribly horrid.. It's also how I manage my cases and I manage myself.. trial and error.. trial and error..

Light at the end of the tunnel

Friday, 17 Nov 2006... was a real real surprised shocking day for me.. It was the day I cried and I mean really really cried in front of my Assistant Director, Manager and Assistant Manager.. I tik it shocked people outside the room.... My court case went soo wrong... But I was so glad that my management really came through for me.. they allowed me to vent... gave me the half day off and told me and reiterated that the decision was not mine alone... SO many more encouraging words from them...

I was so stressed today... of where to go ahead from Friday... I made the hard decision of calling the client's aunt.. and I am glad I did.. I tik things work in many different ways.. and all I can say is that the help the person should have received..the person is finally receiving..

Slowly.. after riding this huge hump... I think I have grown... And I am extremely glad for the support of the management.. because I think people not in the job would not be able to understand the nature of the job, however they try to be supportive..

Right now, I am just trying very hard to remain and be as good a worker as I can.. and holding on to the belief "There is a Light at the end of the tunnel"...

Riding the humps

Right now, exactly at this point in time, I am heaving a sigh of relief. I was feeling real down and blue and I mean really down for the past 2 ~ 3 weeks... But I feel blessed that so many ppl came my way to support me.. Thanks... Sujeeta..thanks for listening and becoming my therapist that night.. It really helped.. Looking now at the Bright side of life! :)

Reflecting

It's been a very long time since I last really sat down and reflected and really gave some space to myself. I have merely been doin things without really thinkingand at other times, I have only been procrastinating (which adds to the stress..cos of impeding deadlines). I haven been doing enough for the families I am working with. I really need to lean how to manage my own time so that I don't become so stressed. If I manage my time wisely, I will also be able to get more free time for myself wic is really important. I must learn how to do my work effectively and efficiently. No point procrastinating. Partialize things that needs to be done. And DO IT when it needs to be done without procrastinating. Do it well so that I won't ned to waste my time doing corrections.
I need to also learn not to be too tough on myself. Need to give myself time to adapt and learn. At the end of the day, I need to remember that work will never end. But just give your best and no regrets. Tommorrow shall be a better day and a new start :)

I also think that I haven treated / considered myself well and in a way, it affects my confidence. The increase in my weight (oh yesh Seriee...it has sky rocketed) is affecting me. But I think I have become less proactive these days. Gone are the days where I would get off my bum and do something about it. But it/s not the end as yet. Life is a continuous journey.

Lately, dunno why I am feeling rather lonely in all these busy-NESS. Sounds like an oxy-moron but it's truly how I feel at certain points of the day. How do I solve this problem? It's a nagging feeling at times which sometimes drive me mad.

I think i also haven taken stock of the good things that have happened in my life and allowing the negative thoughts to get to me. I shall learn how to live with life's OKs. I dun need the high highs to feel wonderful. I shall learn how to be contented with the simple, day to day adventures and beauty that life brings me. This does not mean I am settling. Or Does it??? Adulthood and work, is really making me question and tampering my idealistic beliefs.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD FIRDAWATI!!!

Things Change

I think everything changes,
Things will ride out
And everything will pass it's time..
Dunno why..But somehow..The friendship feels similar
But It Aint No longer the Same..
I dunno if It's just me
Or a natural progression of life..
But I tik I've tried..
Or perhaps..It's cause I am going thro a different type of line
and they still share the same path..

Today's meeting just felt different.
Dunno if it's me
Or it's just that they were tired..

Oh well..

3 months coming..I am still learning

Next Tue, 12 Sep 2006 will mark my 3rd month at work..and seriously... there are sooo many times when I feel that I am still grappling..times when I feel like I am shouting out loud..my cases are starting to be more colourful than they are supposed to be..but Alhamdulilah..still can manage..I have to count my blessings cos' there are few ppl in the office who are really goin out of their way to help me and make me feel good at work..

This job is proving to be such a great learning experience..I am learning about other ppl's values, learning how to be more empathetic to other ppl, and most importantly, learning more about myself..

Btw... donno why but suddenly...or for the past 2 days.. I just feel like I wanna fall in love.. Kwang kwang kwang..Is it the stress or the pms?? Bah!

Worrying too much

Rite..where shall I begin?? It's sunday.. The rest week... and I think I might be down with something... I dunno why but I am feeling a bit tired this past week.. I just woke up after eating panadols... Worse, I slipped and fell 4 steps... landed myself on the first floor..cos' I tripped on something I was carrying.. So now my back is real sore and the sole of my left foot hurts cos I stepped on the hanger while falling down.. Blarrgh!!

Anyways... I don't really know why but I start finding myself worrying too much. This is such an irony since I have been telling so many of my friends not to worry so much la..dis la..and well the list goes on... And what have I been worrying about?? Well I shall put a list up later.. Not really sure if its consequential or non-consequential stuff... I worry about whether my work is good enough, whether ppl in the office find me ok, whether I am rubbing people the wrong way, whether I have been too loud in the office, whether the decisions the team made and I later carry out are ok, whether the parents and my client like me, whether I am good enough for the job, or whether I am doing enough for my clients..and the list goes on.. Am I PMSing?? I really don't know and I don't think so. It could be that the workload is increasing and I could be starting to feel the pressure.. Whatever it is..I hope I get the strength to go on..and do the best for my clients..

Oh, and today as I was worrying about being worried..I came across this short clip.. so apt I must say... Worrying too much about how others perceive you could hold up your progress considerably. You can't let popular opinion shape your decisions -- it may seem like an easy way out, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you desire and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your ideals.

Well..what can I say.. I can be a worry-wot lah.. I shall go now..start doing the ammendments for my report which I didn't do yesterday cos' I wasn't feeling too good..

Over 2 months of work!!!

Goodness...I just can't believe it...It has been 2 months since I started working... Time really passes by very quickly.... Haiz...

Well for me, working life has been good.... So far so good... I enjoy what I am doing.. The pace is fast, but I find it pretty exciting and there are some nice people there... Well apparently, there is office politics, but I haven't found myself in any...and I don't think I want to be part of any either.. Then again.. there have always been politics since the day I entered kindergarten.. I don't like you.. You are my best friend.. I am in the same group as..etc.. and the list goes on.. But I am rather thankful that the politics where I am working is not so pronounced.. Either that or I am a pretty blur sotong... (what's new right??)... People have come up and tell me not to be too naive..and that my way of thinking is a bit too idealistic and might not work.. But then..As I told Ephraim before, I rather get some occasional knocks in life...than to lead my life not trusting anyone... But now..being an adult..I do think a bit lah before I say anything.. I also wanna minimise trouble.. Am I contradicting myself?? Well life's a contradiction anyways...

Oh Sugeeta dear.. I haven't updated by blog..not cos' it has died but laziness lah dear.. So glad you lefta comment.. so ..will I see you in school on Wednesday?? For the social work gathering. cum send of party??

Oh..ok let's go back to working life *stream of conciousness approach*..Working life is swell.. I like the fact that my parents no longer treat me like a little kid and I feel like I have spread my wings and am flying.. (Mariah Carey Song in my brain...Spread your wings and prepare to fly..for you and me become a butterfly...oh oh..fly up to the sky..)... Feels good that I no longer feel like I need to prove something to them.. And in a way..I am feeling sooo free, in terms of spirit..that I have ever felt before.. I just feel that I don't have to prove anything to anyone..I only have to prove something to myself..Best!!! And the fact that I am not attached.. I feel so free seh.. different days, meet different groups of friends, not having to think of another person.. Goodness.. But me and Rachel have a secret plan..shall see when it happens..then I shall blog about it..

Oh yeah.. tho' life is... well..good now, there are some things which gets to me.. and I really wanna thank my dear frens who allow me to rant and rave and still love me, and enable me to project a sane image of myself to the world!! Love you Mushi *the phonecalls are wonderful.. Arfah and Non..for the makan time.. Racheal..nice lunch break gal.. Liling & JT for the suppers...

Till next time..It ain't goodbye...More like see you soon!!!

CONVOCATION

PICTURES GALORE....






















Nice?? Well I didn't put names lah given that there are so many pictures..But one thing is for sure.. I am in every one of them!!! Gerek!! Best...
Well.. I have been wanting to put up these pictures for ages..But tiredness, laziness and just sheer well procrastination have prevented me from doing so.. I still got so many which I didn't upload..it takes a blarddy long time..

Well..I am enjoying working life.. It's different from schooling life.. But the fact that I don't get so much 'me' time and enjoy the company of my friends ever so often do get to me sometimes.. But I know my frens are there if I need them.. Thank you you darlings.. I shall make the effort to at least see you or catch up with the happenings of your life.. PLEASE PLEASE ok.. don't be a stranger just cos' you don't see me around anymore..

TIll the next time.. Love you people..miss you all so much..and yesh..responsibility and adulthood ain't a piece of cake....

2 Weeks of Work ~ and 3 is coming soon

I can't believe it..really can't belive it.. Time has passed by soooo fast.. I remembered the 1st day.. i was feeling rather apprehensive..new milestone what rite.. so thankful that Edleen talked to me and pscyh me up for an hour..a whole hour you know..and she was at work too herself...then I got home.. and I dunno why but I felt like crying..dunno why also.. so yeah..called Mushi..who gave me a prep talk.. wonderful.. I got the I can do it.. Perhaps it was cos I was alone.. it was a new place..dunno huh.. Then on wednesday.. I met my darlings from social work.. Best fren and Liling..in Toa Payoh..who further psych me up.. telling me that they have faith in me.. I just feel so lucky..so so lucky.. I got wonderful frens who are jus there..Not forgetting the many frens who sms me telling me to have a great day.. to enjoy my new working experience..and that they have faith in my capabilities..thanks yeah..Arfah, Andrea, Nornie, Arafah..etc..

And so.. time has passed by so so fast.. And I am kinda getting used to the whole idea of work.. it's different from studying..but it is fun in it's own right..

Btw..I got my graduation gown already.. so nice..exciting man.. haiz..can't wait!!! Rite now.. I am really blessed..Life is alright..It's just perfect..with only minor irritations along the way... as the McDonalds commercial would say..."I'm Loving It!"

Almost the end of the week

I really had a nice time today.. Started the morning takin my photo.. After which I met Mushi in Payar Lebar... Nope I didn't drive and hence didn't get lost... Farnie thing happen .. I dropped my clam chowder onto Mushi's socks.. hahhahaa.. shall put up the pic of that soon..

On to my holiday in Bali...I had a very good time.. Unadulterated free time with my family.. I swam, went to visit the mountains (kintamani).. had some delicious food.. and well it's back to home..

Will be starting work on Monday.. First day of work.. since it's the first day of work.. dad said that he will send me so that I will not be late.. Haiz..I dun think I will be driving to work for some time.. Dun have parking subsidy (transponder) I think... to park there for 6-7 hrs while working.. wah how much will that cost..hum.. gotto find that one out.. humm.. dunno why but there are times that I feel very scared about starting work.. will I like it there? can I manage? I guess the questions are very natural since working will be a new experience..

Oh.. and cleaning my room.. it ain't so bad now.. but it is still messy.. dunno why lah but I just hate cleaning oh so much!!! and I have this very bad tendency of not throwing things away... like karang guni.. everything also I wanna keep..

Ice Skatin... Fun & Cool Thursday

(Andrea posing)                            (Arfah, me and Nornie... Shaky photo courtesy of Andrea)

Well... Thursday was soooo SUPER fun.. Many many thanks to my ultra 'on' friends Andrea, Arfah and Nornie who followed me ice-skating...I've been wanting to do that for such a long time.. and I finally got to do it yesterday..Well.. ANdrea chickened out after 1 hr of ice-skating cos she fell...(hey..it's just ONE time babe)...me and Nornie hit a collision course with each other cos' I wanted to fulfill Arfah's trilogy twirling fantasy (u gotto be there to understand it).. Besides that..we went for lunch..had kaya toast...yack yack and yack some more..

MY FREN ARFAH

This entry is exclusively for my darling, true, good friend ARFAH!  Arfah my dear friend, I can't believe that you didn't think that I do not consider you as a true friend just because I didn't put your name up on my previous post of 'true friends'... My entries are all written on a whim..and since there are times when I tend to suffer from memory loss... Any subtractions should be taken with a pinch of salt...So for all and especially you to see... I do OF COURSE consider you as a true and good friend.. Harlow..You are the one I can rant, rant and rave to in any situations..and who allow me to make fun of your singing without taking offence!!! Best per..Mana Boleh Cari Seh Kawan Macam Gini!!

So yeah ARFAH...enjoy the post..Hope this makes your day..I got pictures of you, one from the back, front and side!! Amacam?? Made your day?? (KISSIES)