Turkey

I think I am a TURKEY!! Yeah that is what I consider myself.. A turkey.. Why? I know what I am supposed to do.. But i decide not to face it.. I dunno why.. But i am reallllliiiii lazy ok this semester in studying for my exams.. Oh goodness. and Then what happen?? I panic.. I distract myself ... I panic... and finally ok.. i get started.. But alhamdulilah.. I have been reali lucky that I get that spark at the 11th hour.. Super the lucky..

Ok and on the exams itself.. I haven been able to properly complete ANY of my exam paper lah.. Every single paper i sat not finish!! Arrghh!! Why why why?? WHere is my bloody time management lah.. Wat the crappy gading ding.. Shitty fied man... For my crisis rite.. I did not complete lah.. For my gender I didnt complete (but this one not so bad..) and then for my mental health today... TOOOOOtaly bad time management ... I left my compulsory qn for later (worth 40 marks by the way) and I only attempted it at the last 30 mins.. Arrghh.. Briliant lah not finished again!!

Ok... So have I learnt my lesson?? No I still think I am a turkey lah.. I got geron paper on Tue which I haven started at all.. and I onli got a freaking B can for my CA.. B... aaggh!! And looking at the things i need to do.. Lagi make me feel like a turkey.. So much to do!! Anyone feeling hungry.. I know it ain't christmas yet.. But anyone wanna slaughter me??

Arafah.. kick my ass again pls.. cos after you told me to study i actually did.. hahhaa :)

(**thinking.. what sound does a turkey make?** Plonk Plonk? Bloog bog bog??)
Agghh I need to get started.. I need to get started.. Kenape ni Firdawati ?? WHy why why?? U siao ah?

Worry Wot

Seriously I tik i am a worry wot!! I am such such such such a worry wot la.. But I am very very thankful that the people around me are very kind and understanding of the fact that I do get very 'kancheong spider' at times.. But truth be told.. I just externalise my worry cos' I dun like to keep things in my system.. So after running around like a 'headless chicken', I am ok.. Haiz.. hahahhaa But I got to stop doin that and get a grip on things.. Tommorrow is my mental health paper.. I am not that confident of it tho' but i need to get my tot's together and try to do my best....

;)

Will make it a short entry cos' I actually need to study... The retail therapy was soooo therapeutic!! hahha It lasted for onli 20 mins but oh my goodness.. the feeling of buying something then paying... Oh wow.. especially if it's make-up!! I bought a new mascara and design face colour.. hahah i wanted a highlighter n bronzer all in one and this fits perfectly well.. But yeah I am soooo super broke!

Yeah!!! Things are going well.. I am soooo thankful for the supportive people around me.. and something clicked in my head which my mum said to me long time ago...'Only your parents and the people who truly care can be truly happy for your success'.. How true..

Alhamdulilah!

Paradox

PARADOX OF CONTRADICTION!
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!
FEELING RATHER GOOD ABOUT MYSELF RITE NOW
THERE IS REALLY A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.. IT'S JUST WHETHER YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT AND STRIVE HARD ENOUGH TO GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT!!

oh yeah.. I was bored.. played wrestling with my brother, and i got punched in the abdomen.. it's sore now.. By the same brother who bite my arm in JC 2 till I was blue!! (we were playing Ultraman and raksasa) And I am still feeling sore in the abdomen now..

My fren DANNY

My fren Danny doesn't like to smile.. He really doesn't. But he is a very nice guy once you get to know him... and what actually started out as a mere joke/request (yup that is rite Danny boy even if you didn't do it, it will still be ok), he did.. ahhaha and when I went to just check out his blog at 3.07.... to my surprise.. there is a smiling face of Danny!!!

DANNY boy, I AM VERY HONOURED!!!

ps/ you do look nice you know... Smiling can be an alernative to pensive!!!

SCARED

I am SCARED!.. Yup... scared that is what I am.. I am scared becos' I really don't know where I am headed to after NUS.. I am scared because I don't want a job that I do just for the sake of money. I am scared because I think so many things have changed. I am scared because I feel that people I know have grown up in one way or another and a huge part of me want things to remain the way they have always been. I am scared because I want so much for myself. I am scared because I think that I have in a way become a very different person. I am scared because, well before J.C. no one really expected anything from me.. It was ok for me to do badly. ANd then from then on, everything seems possible. Before JC, I had NEVER dreamt of goin into uni .. never... it wasn't it my repertoire of speech even.. ever.. hais.. and now I am exitin from NUS soon.. As much as I am proud of myself, I just feel that the undergrad life has been fun.. and there is just so much more that I could have done that I didn't .. I feel like I wasted so much time I don't know doing what... I am scared.. Will there be friendships to be made in the 'real world'? Are people mean out there? Will I be able to keep the friendships that I have all these years with all my wonderful good friends of mine? Honours year also marked new friendships, and truth be told, I would have hoped to have the chance to meet all of you earlier.. But I am sure everything has it's own place and time. and well.. It's my time to get out of school, but where should I be heading to? Does anybody know? I sure don't. Oh yeah.. and I am scared that I will be lonely.. So yeah.. I AM SCARED!!

This song just came to my mind:

Mariah Carey's - Do you know where you're going to? Theme song from Mahagony

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

NO more excuses!!

I realised that I have been giving myself way too much excuses for not doing work.. SEriously!! Way to much!! So much that I am getting sick with myself.. Yeah and it doesn't help that part of therapeutic writing forces me to re-read and re-write things in my past.. bluughh!! Seriously.. it works so much better for me not to look and deal with certain things.. Well.. you know for the most part.. I just think that I am making excuses for not working.. for sleeping .. and for being so freaking lazy!!! Really glad that my gal pals are there to study with me.. cop me a seat in school and then time check me by threatening that they won't have lunch with me for a whole week.. hahah Yeash Mushi and Yani.. this refers to you... and you know what.. I am such a stubborn stubborn person.. well.. everyone who knows me well enough can attest that.. and only I, me and myself can get my arse out of any situation if I put my mind at it.. And so.. Now, at 2.45 am.. I shall make a pact with myself.. I will stop being lazy.. I will not blame it on anyone or any past incidents.. blurghh.. (furthermore, this will help me to take a positive step and move on and be independdent).. and seriously try and get my act together.. enuf is enuf of procrastinating.. of what'ifs of how'-i'-wish... No more of all of that... Just do what I can.. the best that I can.. with what I can.. and Insya Allah.. the best results will come.. At least I know I made the effort and there is no regrets..

Okies.. and pls those of you studying with me.. Kick my ass (NOT LITERALLY!!) when I am procrastinating and being lazy pls!!!

Oh yEah ARAFAH!!! KITA BOLEH!!! :)

Good Day

I managed to get thro and finish my essay.. it's not that good tho' cos I only did 16 pgs when she wanted us to do 25.. haiz.. But today was a good day..why? managed to get a different set of air. Was fun spending some time with the social work people during the outing for geron class. I was dozing off when the lady was giving her presentation.. I really hope she didnt catch it.. :) I can't remember when was the last time I really slept.. Rite now I craving to watch MTV.. yup that is rite.. MTV but my bro is watching his vcd so I goto wait will he sleeps. .. I spent some time with mum and dad and littlest bro.. and they enjoyed it.. Mum and Dad was real sweet.. I miss spending time with them and them with me.. I realised that Mum has a fear abou being institutionalized.. and that she wants to grow old in the context of the family.. cos whenever I talk about Old FOlks homes n the likes, she will tend to jus dismiss it away.. so today, I probed lah.. and she was like.. I not comfortable la hearing about these things.. So tommorrow I told mum I will have breakfast with her since Dad playing golf.. I feel so bad that I haven been spending time with the people I love.. and what makes me feel worst, is that they understand.. Arrgghh... I tik it's through the love of my family and close frens.. that I learn what support and care is about.. Unfortunately, no such luck wit my love life.. hahah ANy lonely souls out there needing a company?? I know I do.. at least in a romantic way.. But I know I not ready for commitment and the likes.. Have to get rid of my anger and resolve the issues first.. and be sure not to fall for the same type of guy?? or to act differently in a relationship?? entah.. sometimes I just think that I think too much!! hahaha
Oh yeah.. I reallly like talking to Dr Mehta about my ambitions and dreams.. she is so open about it and so unjudgmental.. Best nyer!!
My head is spinning now tho' time for me to sleep perhaps.. One more essay to go..
Feeling happy rite now and contended..
ps/any lonely souls out there?? hahahhaa.. I need a mate.. hahahha goodness I sound so desperate!

Finally

Finally.. the ISM is completed.. I tried to make it as social work as possible.. That is all I can do.. Try my best.. Surprisingly I feel energised after finishing it... hahhha the irony!!!

Printing it out now at 6:07 a.m. I haven slept a wink. Got gender class at 10 am.. hahha

I am

I am tired, mad, insane, feeling like my muscles no longer belong to me (if I had any), grateful to the many ppl who have helped me, full of self-belief and yet afraid of failing and thus haunted by self-doubt, I am.. well.. I am just me lah huh.. hahahaah so yeah.. hopefully.. everything goes on well.. I feel the adrenelin rush.. told mum that this wk and perhaps the next, there will be days I will come home very late.. Haiya need to conc and do work in school..

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY!

And in the words of best fren (a.k.a. JT) GAMBATTE!!! hahahha

Relief..

Sigh of................... RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hard work paid off... Seriously.. Glad I decided to fight off the procrastination (tho' sometimes very late) and work my butt off.. I got back my crisis paper.. I got A (wooohooo!!) Alhamdulilah.. She asked me a qn tho..'why is your introduction much stronger than your conclusion?'.. DUH?!! Intro write first wat.. by the time I reach conclusion wanna pengsan already.. Haiyo!! Andd... Good news.. I guess me barging in into my sup office 3 times today .. and after which emailing him and calling him to read my ISM works... HE actually read it.. HAHHAHA yup yup he did.. Now i feel bad for not having faith in him.. Arrgghhh I am on such a high now.. Alhamdulilah.. I really feel very blessed rite now.. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.. and it ain't so dim anymore.. Wee!!

Two more essays to go.. One is social gerontology and the other mental health (hahah hopefully I won't be the mental one!) And I am so thankful to everyone who have helped me in one way or another .. in answering my surveys.. helping me with referral or even words of encouragement.. U know.. I learnt a very humbling lesson from honours.. We don't live alone.. We need help from ppl.. and you know.. I guess whoever said we don't live on an island is true!!

It's not over.. But I can see the light

A Bearable Week

The week is almost coming to an end... Sigh!! And.. the work is not done..

THis is how I looked... fresh rite.. before my FINAL presentation ever as an NUS student... wow WEE... yeah.. was dressed up seh.. But actually I was very blurrrrry.. hahahhaa ANyway... besides some questions from the lecturer.. I think it went swell..

Nice?? Taken with my brother Fadhli when we went out some weeks back!!! He's oh so grown up now!!! hahaha Can still remember him being little and we would go cycling together.. But whatever it is.. I still consider him to be my little brother. and forever think of him as 'little' hahaha and.. being such a good sister that I am.. there are days which I think my antics drive him insane.. But love him lots...

Well.. I am tryin to tie my ISM together and work on my analysis part before I start on my geron paper.. It will be a terribly busy week next week (in the background..some sports day going on..and I think its Fajar..My alma mater.. why? cos got Manta House I heard..and that was my house!! Not that I did anything lah)... Busy Busy Busy..

Oh on a side note.. Took a tiny-weeny break and watched the music video of Jason Mraz.. Geek in the Pink.. oh goodness he is such a drool la can!!!  I mean no 1. He can wear pink!! no. 2. He is so cool lah.. I think there is nothing much cooler than a man who is so in touch and confident with who he is and doesn't need to adopt a particular image to boost his ego.. This is such a major major major bonus point.. SO going to get his album..well..when I have the time that is.. Jasan Mraz you pink geek.. Swooonnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Makes me wonder tho.. Why do some guys then try so hard to be something they are not?? Blurrgghh.. Go Geeks!!! Oh yeah on another side note.. My littlest brother.. Is so refusing to wear his plastic glasses cos' some ppl in his class said he looks like a geek.. WTF.. bully my brother.. so I did a little cognitive refraiming.. hahah told him geeks are people too and that they are cool.. and that he looks nice wearing that glasses. SO he asked me.. But only my family thinks I am nice wearing this plastic glasses. So I replied but at the end of the day only your family and your very close friend's opinion matters.. Then he was like why? Because we all love you and we think you look good so only that should matter.. And he smiled can.. Wah.. hahaha so sweet kan... And he wore his plastic glasses to football practice today!! You go lah my litlle brat of a brother... hahahah and if any small malay puny mats wanna kacau him.. You get thro' me first ah.. I soooo.. will not allow anyone to pull the self-esteem down of my brother!!!

I think I am mad!!!!!!

hahahah okok this is realli insane.. So here I am reading a book "Successful writing for qualitative researchers" by Peter Woods to get some idea on how to write up my ISM part.. I mean I dun realli have an idea cos previously I have always done quantitative research and single-subject group design (very the deng!! rite to try something new)... hahahaa

So anyway.. this guy very farnie lah.. I lurrve his quotes... wakkakaa

I think all writers of prose live in a state of induced insanity (J.G. Ballard)

I think I'm either frighteningly sane or incorrigibly mad (Iain Banks)

I can't thin kof any great writers who are sane (Phyllis Naggy)

and he goes on to say... "If we are to be successful writers, it seems we must be prepared to be a little insane"......

So am I going to be a successful write????? I am seriously a little insane now... hahahha

One down..

Finished my crisis paper.. Hwhheepheyugh!! Sigh of relief.... will put that one out of my mind.. clueless rite now as of what to do for my geron paper.. arrghhh!!! Ideas??? Blank!!

Blargghhh!!!

Bllarrghh!!! Yeah that is how I am feeling rite now. I am (*)#$)$( wasting my time rite now.. I have been.. doing stupid useless stuff.... I hate the fact that the papers I am handing up are not to my expectations.. Hate the fact that I didn't put in my best effort and hate the fact that I know all this and yet not doing something proactive about it.. What the blarrrddyy crap rite.. Shit lah.. I seriously think I have had enuf of the whole schooling life.. seriously.. I realli miss secondary school.. times when i didnt need to study.. since A levels till now.. I feel like a hamster running on the wheel which never stop.. Well.. as much as I have had good times.. I am really ready to go and look for new adventure and new stuff to keep me interested... hahahha and this is really off... but maybe falling in love or developing a crush will keep me interested in work.. if only i didnt put so much grey matter into developing a crush then any A,B,C will do.. wakakka okok I have vented enuf..and I feel like a mad woman.. and it's a wonder how rite now I feel like going back to my work.

And dear Arafah.. I love you lots.. And I appreciate how you can still think of me and get me a book so useful for me even though you got so much other issues to deal with in your life..

Oh yeah.. and I learnt that there are many different types of friends.. there are some ppl I am forcing myself to think only as 'happy' frens.. seriously.. they can't be bothered and they pretend to be bothered.. Peh!!! Harlow!!! Pe-gi-la!!

It has been good so far..

Work is piling up.. but Alhamdulilah.. I am learning how to partialize it... and well so far.. its going good.. I need to 'up' it a little bit.. Minus my time procrastinating and doing well.. 'staring into space things'... It's amazing how long these things take... hahhaa..

So far...

1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.

Things left to be done..

1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper

.... May my internal strength pull me through!!

an All inspiring day!!

Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)

and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??

1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??

2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs

3. My crisis paper by next monday

4. My gerontology paper

5. My full ISM paper

6. My mental health assignment and presentation..

Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..

Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..

yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??

Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!

Lessons learnt

Below is a quote i took from Arafah's blog.. It's part of a wider entry of hers...

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..

Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..

Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..

To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..

So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...

Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)

The finality of it all

Warning: Full of rambles, spelling mistakes and what-nots

Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..

Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..

I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)

So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...

With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..

And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..

"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....

At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)

Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa