It has been good so far..

Work is piling up.. but Alhamdulilah.. I am learning how to partialize it... and well so far.. its going good.. I need to 'up' it a little bit.. Minus my time procrastinating and doing well.. 'staring into space things'... It's amazing how long these things take... hahhaa..

So far...

1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.

Things left to be done..

1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper

.... May my internal strength pull me through!!

an All inspiring day!!

Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)

and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??

1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??

2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs

3. My crisis paper by next monday

4. My gerontology paper

5. My full ISM paper

6. My mental health assignment and presentation..

Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..

Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..

yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??

Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!

Lessons learnt

Below is a quote i took from Arafah's blog.. It's part of a wider entry of hers...

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..

Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..

Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..

To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..

So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...

Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)

The finality of it all

Warning: Full of rambles, spelling mistakes and what-nots

Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..

Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..

I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)

So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...

With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..

And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..

"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....

At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)

Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa

Everything's goin to be alright??

Right now.. the song... 'everything's goin to be alright, everything's goin to be ok'.. is in my brain rite now.. only that it ends sadly with a question mark.. Well today has been a rather..well no.. let's say confidently good day for me.. I managed to drag my big ass to school plonk myself down.. got started on my mental health assignment one and also did part of my terrorism powerpoint, which kinda look very messy and is taking a long time then I had planned it out to be (it looked so simple in my brain).. ..

Well.. things that are happening at school are really dragging me down.. and so I end up whinning and whinning and bitching and whinning..etc. but then, when I read my dear friends Arafah blog today.. I just felt like kicking myself rite up the ass.. I mean.. goodness.. so many more dear things are happening, which can go wrong and do go wrong.. and yet, they still continue living.. and then happened to go thro' a schoolmate's blog who lost her baby.. I mean.. what could be worse for a mother?? Seriously Arafah, yesh, you say that you are not strong, but then, breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means that you are human.. and seriously, that ain't bad rite.. cos we are all humans..

It's a start of a new day.. Insya Allah.. let everything work out well

Aftermath

Dr Ngiam has really been sweet.. He is so so so helpful and nice..after knowing that some contacts he gave cldn't help me, he emailed me immediately apologizing and to just let him know any other help/assistance I might need... well I got to talk to my supervisor soon.. about the state of my ISM (or lack of) and also perhaps changing my methodology.. ARggghh!! And what is worst, I have just been sleeping every single time I feel stressed. I feel like I have lost the "I Can Do It" KiTa Boleh Spirit.. Oh .. where for art thou' spirit?? Do come back..

Well.. today I feel much better..after talking to 2 hrs to Edleen..and she trying to "sell" me some guy at one part of the conversation...hahhahaha Cute lah.. but babe.. thanks.. yOu never seem to fail me.. always there.. Best!!

But I am counting my blessings rite now.. Got lobang for one interview.. Convinent sampling.. But I don't know if it will make my paper gd or whether it will make my paper look like I am just doin interview for the sake of doin it.. get what I mean?!! Rite now, I need to make sure everyting i write, can be related back to social work implications..if not..it will look very sociology or even economics-a like...

Blah.. Goin for dinner tonite.. Wld be a good time to chill.. Tommorrow, is a new day, and today, is going to be good cos' it's what I make out of it..

Humm..

A few seconds ago..I tot the world suck..now, I realised, ppl do help each other out.. Thanks man!!

*******

crossing every single thing I have...

Insya Allah... pls let everything work itself out..

This might sound weird.. or that stress and the etc..has got to my brain.. but this wld be such a nice time to develop a crush and fall 'somewhat' in luv.....

Now I sound insane..

order~~

Decided to bring some order to my piles of paper all over my room..went and actually filed my stuff.. so amazing.... I always do it barely 2 wks before exam.. so now my room is quite organized! while puttin stuff in order, it dawned on me the amount of work that I would have to do and all the assignments which are going to be due soon.. Insya Allah everything will turn out a ok!!

Rite now, things with my ISM.. let's just say I dunt wanna think so much about it. Shall just try my best and do whatever is possible even if it means at the end of the day just relying on secondary data.. But then I know that deep down inside I am very stress.. why?? the appearance of a physiological symptom. Everytime I get really stress, I will get this nagging pain on my right shoulder. Irritating, and yet always serves to remind me to relax, take stock and just do my best.

Being social work trained, I should incorporate what I learn into my psyche.. so here it goes.. self-cognitive behavioural therapy... "the way I think will affect the way I feel".. so I going to think positive, so that I can feel positive, and do work well..

An Emlightening Day!!

Watched the Constant Garderner today with Arfah..It's a deeply intriguing, disturbing movie.. Made me question whether saving the world and making it a better place through the use of already established institutions possible...

Perturbing..Nuff' said..

Was a very fun day nevertheless.. And now back to the books.. and like the train leaving the station... I shall start slow but steady..and insya Allah, gain momentum... Chooo...ChooChoo..ChooChooChoo.. (ya get the picture??!!)

New Mantra

Nice the picture??? I drew it on my new little blackboard! It is supposed to gimme inspiration lah.

Have been such a sotong recently! Super Super punye sotong I tell you.. And I am so fed-up lah with the whole state of affairs..I can't stand it..So.. I am just going to try and believe.. have faith..if everything else fails..at least have faith  IN MYSELF that somewhere somehow, I can pull things off.. Insya Allah.

Seeing things in perspective

Sometimes, I think that things have a funny way of working itself out. Have you ever woke up, in total shock, taking time to think what it is you are supposed to do.. well that happened to me today.. I woke up at around 9.50..and I was like ain't I not supposed to be somewhere now?? Then, after a few moments, I realised I got a class at 10 and a test then.. I panicked, screamed.. called my mum.. who got my dad to pick me up.... he railed at me the whole way, saying that I need to change my habit of 'pentingkan' or giving importance to sleep (HEY I REALLLI REALLI NEED SLEEP!!) so anyway, by some twist of luck, I msg Liwei and she said Dr Ng started with lecture first.. I reached school at around 10.30.. my dad drove to school in a mere 10 mins! goodness!! It takes me 40 minutes!! Amazing k.. So anyway, I sat down, drank my coffee (I grabbed a bottle on my way out from home..) and then in another 10-15 mins or so.. the test started.. so yeah I heaved a sigh of relief.. Then.. I went to check my mail.. and realised that AMP can't help me with getting my sample for my ISM..sigh! Back to square one.. Any ideas?? Met Andrea and Arfah for lunch before my next class..and yeah..things got better..

But you know, the news I heard from Arafah, that her friend's brother passed away, really got to me.. here I am fretting non-stop..about the litte little things in life, and yesh I do so cos I am a whiny human being.. and yet, hearing the news puts things into perspective..there are so much more things more important..and I need to start appreciating my parents, family and close frens more.. all the people who are always helping me and who I have been taking for granted..

And to Ratna, even though I don't really know you or your brother, I have a feeling he was a really nice person, because it was raining the whole of today. May Allah bless his spirit.

Hot AIR!!

Before I start cursing or sounding very bitchy.. Let me shout out a super duper cooper throoper big big THANK YOU to OYEAH!!!! She was so so sweet I tell you.. from school she followed me to MENDAKI so that I could get their research report on Skills Redevelopment Programme.. Wah weet weet.. SO SWEET!!! SO SO very the thank you girl!! It's always all these wonderful things that make 'uncontrollable' things bearable... Arafah..Terima khasih eh.. listen to all my grumbling tho' you got more stressful life changing issues to deal with.. in your own words... gua chaya sama lu (correct???) And 2 sweet ppl who by chance saw me walking and listened to all my ramblings in a very very loud voice ( I SWEAR i think I was shouting at the top of my lungs) - Murshidah and Fareez (leh..I haven study enuf for Gender test on thur!! Thanks for the reminder!) and then to Andrea, Arfah and also her chinese fren..thanks thanks.. the coffee helped plus the laugher and jokes.. and Maria for talking to me on the phone.. sampai handphone batt mati... wakkakaka Thanks ah.. SERIOUSLY ranting and raving keeps me sane.. and thanks for listening..and to all the ppl who always say 'haiya its ok' pls ah i hope next time I won't tell you worries.. cos all I want is EMPATHY!

ok.. so here goes.. I hate ppl who are composed of hot air.. what do I mean by hot air.. I mean harlow..if you not sure u can get it.. dun lah go say for certain u can do it.. THAT IS SO MY PET PEEVE.... DUN LIKE HOT AIR AND N.A.T.O!!

I really dun know what to do for tommorrow's ethic handup seh.. Have no clue.. Just goin to write out the questions and hopefully something comes up and everything goes well..
Ya Allah, pls give me the strength..

Still need to read for gender test some more.. insya allah..

Angelic~!

Nice?? Nice?? Very angelic kan kan kan.. Hahhaah.. Picture was taken during Arafah's bro wedding..

Having the sunlight shinning behind us.. "Like a ray of light.."

Great I am getting crappy..Need my mcdonalds fix for breakfast..(Arfah..will call u in a while!)

LINDA!! I had fun!! Thanks girl!! I suddenly got Da spirit to do work (spirit~ cos I procrastinated)

Right now, I sound incoherent and crazy.. Oh well..Toodles!

STUCK!!

Rite now I am stuck.. stuck as anyone can be.. so stuck stuck stuck..

I really feel like my heels have gotten stuck in the stupid crack, and it broke and I am left spinning.. and spinning but there ain't no one there to save me.. AARRGGHHH!!

I am getting so stuck wit my ISM..so stuck that I dun even put in enuf effort or the effort required.. Why? Cos' I am shuttin down on that blarrdy stuff.. shall take a break.. go for a nice dinner.. Hopefully Linda can spur me on!!

YELL FOR THE UNDERDOGS!!

This post is dedicated to all the underdogs.. Goodness I was so so into "Battle of the reality stars".. Best... and what made it 'more best' is how the light blue team, managed to beat every single team along their way... call it luck.. nah!! I dun think so.. perhaps 'luck' helped a tinny weeeny bit but I think the desire and hunger to succeed and prove their old groupmates wrong, pulled the group together!! I really like the ending tho' when Bradford said that Mr Trump got what he paid for and if he is looking for great to go and call him.. hahhahaa.... and Heidi is such a sour puss.. oh pluss!!!! "White trash" Wonder who she was referring to... akakkaa...

Anyway.. (since I sooo lurve getting lessons out of the unusual things in life) this episode shows... that we can triumph if we really want to so badly.... whatever ppl may think and whatever the odds..

Hopefully.. the fire in my belly will be 're' charged up.. seriously.. I don't know where it has gone lately... been procrastinating lah.. and just taking so long to getting SOME work done...

so yeah.. FIRE UP!!

hahahah that can come later tonite lah.. now goin to dinner with family.... :)

And so I digress...

My powers of digression and also procrastination amazes me sometimes.. anyway, took this Handwritting Personality Quiz.. and this what it says ..

The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself.

Correct ke?? Lor?? Betul ke?? hahhaa but I kinda agree with it!!

okok..this time, I really will get back to work!

Alls Well!!

It has been so long that I woke up early on a monday and manage to squeeze some form of work in.. and by early I mean up and showered by 10.30.. (anyone who knows me would agree!! ahaha) The get away trip with mum and littlest bro over the weekend to Jakarta was brilliant.. Met Auntie Lina and her daughter Sisca.. It has been such a long time.. It's nice to see someone who have managed to overcome illness (she got Hep C from blood transfusion!!) and look so good at age 60 without plastic surgery and remain 'clean' (NO KORUPSI) in that country.. Going away with just me and littlest bro was fun since it gave me 'alone' time with mum to jus chat to her.. 'ngobrol-ngobrol' as the Javanese would say, and get some things off her mind.. and with my little brother I kinda know how to play 'bidamon' (wonder if I spelled that correctly).. This 'thingy' is actually the 'old school' marbles game man!!

Alls Well in my land rite now!! Friends great!! (Thanks Edleen!!) Everything ok on the home front!! and School is currently swell and fine and fun too!!

Adios!! Shall get back to work before goin to school later!! Oh yesh..been sooooo craving for a manicure..Just realised that my nails are really thin!!

Blankness..

Dunno what to call this entry.. But told Mushi on Thursday after dinner I would upload the lyrics of the song that she suddenly blurted out singing.. hahaha.. EARWORM!!

Anyway.. met Mushi on Thursday after lessons..and we went for Dinner after that.. Girl..thanks thanks for listening to me.. pathetic fallacy lah.. why? it was drizzling and it was dark! Had KFC in Clementi.. She was shaking (to warm herself?) hahah cos it was cold in there.. I wanted to buy the new Sugarbabes CD.. love one of their songs especially.. "Ugly"'s the title.. I love the part especially which goes...
"People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you Everybody talks bad about somebody And never realises how it affects somebody And you bet it won't be forgotten Envy is the only thing it could be"
Nice rite!!!! Bet it could apply to almost every individual.. Best best best!! Oh yeah back to finding the CD..do you know I was walking around Clementi and I could not find any CD shop? NONE?!! Is it me? Or is it that the people there don't buy CD?? By the time I got back it was too late to go to the other music shops..Strange!!

Oh yeah.. back to the song that Mushi sang.. so anyway, we were walkin in the rain (was only drizzling) and then she started singing the song from Land Before Time "If we hold on together" by Diana Ross..ahahha I haven heard the song for a long time..but it was apt for the situation!!

Anyway, I think the lyrics are great!!!
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far Don't throw it
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story Faith, hope & glory
Hold on to the truth in your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by For you and I.

Souls and the wind must
Learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley Mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay..

Words currently in my mind

Bah-rem-you! Bah-rem-You!!

Dengkulmuanjelok! Dengkumuanjelok!!

I'm a SURVIVOR!

No one to get my back!! (Linda laughed at this one!! And yesh I know it sounds very 50 cents!!)

Bah! Bah! Bah!

K rite now those are the things in my mind! Not that intelligent huh?!