A nice afternoon...

It is such a nice afternoon today...Sunny and breezy without the glaring heat! Wowee...

So far I have accomplished 1 thing that I wanted to do this hol..CUT MY HAIR..yup yup! It was real fun..went to cut hair with Mushi and Oyeah...

Going on to accomplish (finger's and eveything else crossed) another thing that I want to accomplish this hols (actually it was brought forward..for the past 2 semester) Well..when I say going to accomplish, it means I am going to start thinking about it..and also well, lets just say start small..throw things under my bed..*i looked down and I saw old shopping bags, boxes..oh goodness!! Soon I will be one in the newspaper.."girl infested with bacteria"..wakakka

But before I really reallly really accomplish cleaning up my room, today is such a nice day to cook huh?! Well Dad bought prawns..so I am going to cook dinner tonite!

1. Cold Prawn Salad
2. Lobster Thermidor with a little modifications from the recipe that I found in http://www.lobster-recipes.com/lobster-thermidor.html
*this recipe takes too much time! wakkaka
3. Baked Potato

Should be yummy!! Feeling great now!!
The cook shall go to the kitchen..after some MTV that is...
I AM BECOMING SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR!

Sometimes

Once in a while, we meet someone who leaves us feeling like crap..and it results in us questioning ourself..why me? why? I hate this! I don't like him/her..that sort of thing..

For me, this type of 'someone' happen to pass my way so many times, through the disguise of different people. And it is through meeting all these 'someone' that I feel I have grown as a person..Previously, I would be extremely bitter, pit myself against the other person..ladi da..But now, whenever such 'someone' cross my path, I just well whine for a while, after all I am human, and then just move on. I pray my heart will not be tainted with all these evil hearts. I dun want to sell myself because of them..Like what my mother say,

You can't control anyone, You can only control YOURSELF!

That is true huh. So yeah, while at first I question the way I resolve issues with all these 'someone(s)', asking myself if it is the cowardly way out, now I know that I can only control myself and it's no point wasting time on all the 'someone' of the world.

This song, I feel is a brilliant way to deal with all the 'someone' who have crossed my path, still in my path, or will cross my path in the future..

Lee Ann Womack "I hope you'll dance"

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you danceI hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you'll dance...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope I will always continue 'dancing'

XXX

Nah nothing x-rated about this entry. Just didn't know what to call this entry otherwise. Its funny how I no longer feel so tired, angry, sad, confused or jus shitty after the exams.

This semester exams truly have sapped me. It has sapped me from myself. I have become another person I think. While on the exterior everything seemed all fine and well, in actual fact I was really trying very hard to pull everything, and myself together. Sad. Very sad. Doing that took energy away from actually doing my papers and exams properly. I really didn't feel like my answers reflected what I actually know. But its all been said and done.. all I can do now is pray, and Insya Allah, everything will turn out fine, by some twist of miracle.

I really want to do the way I do things next semester. I really feel glad that I have found what I really want to do.. (shuush!! Cannot tell...I hope its really what I want!)

Well..things are over, I shall not let all that has gone wrong be a shadow for me. Especially if I still get to do next semester.

After my last paper, had a nice lunch with Mushi who battled (studied) with me, and hannah.. Was fun just talking without looking at the time to go back to studying...

And it was so brilliant going Last minute jalan raya on Friday with jjc girls. 10 of them seh!! hahah yeah yeah very last minute but terribly fun! I missed jus having fun..like haha fun! Yeepie!

Things to do..
1. Get a full body massage
2. Get a nice facial
3. Clean up my room which is getting way too messy for me (a very bad sign)
4. Rest, Relax, and prepare for next semester!

A line that my mum said to me in the car after we were debating on something, which my father agreed...
"You can be humble, but don't put yourself down! You have been putting yourself down too often recently!"

Opps..given the context it does make sense was pondering about it. I kept quiet after that..Hai love my parents for making sense and saying things in my face.. Love the confidence that my upbringing has given me. The sense that I can do anything that I want. Thank you MUM and DAD!

Going shopping with mum tommorrow!!

*WAILS*

I dun think I am performing.
Doing the paper, I really, really was trying very hard to think!!
What's happening to me?!
I go home, I feel UTTERLY tired..
Having to drag, DRAG myself everyday..
Ain't any fun..

EERRGGUHHH!!! Wake up Firdawati!!
You can do it!
IT'S NOT THE END TILL ITS THE END!

*Puke*

*Puke*
*PUKE*
**GREEN PUKE**
**GREEN PUKE with ....**

Shall stop there.. Well that basically describes my Cs1105 exams. It was deceptively simple. Until u try to answer them that is. The mcq was (*&^$)%#@%*_)%$#$%UBHU%$guy%$^%..

Have u ever notice how friendship at 20 years old is different from teenage years. I just find 'friendship' at 20 years old to be one that is rather superficial (lack of a better word). We see one another, greet 'Hi!' with amazement, say 'How have you been?' and then 'Oh..ok catch up with you soon'! I think it will be ok if people say that and they actually catch up with you.. but they don't and the next time you see the same person, the same cycle repeats. Or what about how people just don't make time for communication anymore.. Like finding out how the other person is, by calling even if its 10 minutes, or even sms to find out if they are ok. I think I have been guilty of this same crime to 'some people' and for others, I think I have been the one calling or smsing far too much (sounds like I am whining!! ahahha) But yeah it' s just me thinking.

While I strive to give my best for whatever is left of this exams (I dun think I have.. have stocked up on red bull), shall still stive to do my best, make time, at least sms to keep in touch.. and for those who just cant be bothered.. well.. que sera sera...

"Never pursue a distancer" ... Bowenian Family Therapy
*though I might have just taken it out of context in this case..but its true.. No more fusion! Autonomy and independence and differentiation shall prevail!

Toodles..

I just love blogging.. see my mood changes from one of *green puke* to a happy toodles.. and now I just sound mad!

Isolationism

And so.. my period of isolationism has started... Exams start this saturday. Usually my period of isolationism starts at least a week before exams. Times have changed. I really have very little time to study this semester. Ironically, I think I learnt the most this semester compared to previous semester!

Full Steam Ahead...................!!!!!!

Madness

Nice? Its the only picture I could find in my handphone.. Taken during Raya.. Tis my cuz Nadira. She's onli in Sec 1!

Anyway..The few hrs of Raya was fun..went to grandma house.. met cousins and aunts. But got interrupted lah a few times... No pt talkin bout it.. over anyways..

Exams just around the corner.. Tryin to keep sane, remain relax, study as much as possible.. Just realised I can't concentrate at home. Been goin to school and stayin there till late.. Hope it all pays off..insyallah..

Came back home today.. nonKrong (Javanese for 'sat in front of') MTV..watched "I want a famous face"..Just left me wondering about how healthy this show is? I mean why do people wanna look similar like another person? And some of the girls are already naturally pretty I tell you..Like this girl who wanted to look like Jessica Simpson. Are we putting across the wrong message for other youths, considering the how powerful popular culture (MTV) is?? I think what many of these girls need is self-esteem boost. Seriously, I ain't all against plastic surgery. In some cases, I think its necessary, like burnt victims, babies with cleft.. but not for girls who already look so good.. Are we promoting superficial, cookie-cutter beauty??

Right..lets get back to work...

Pening

In Central Library rite now... trying to start studying for SW4102.. Seriously I feel like the stuff for this module is all over the place. Very tired.. Feeling like my brain has reached maximum capacity and there is no more space to fill up new information.. ARRggghhHH!!

I dun feel 'pening' exactly but the darn information just refuses to go in..

THat's it .. I AM GOING HOME!

ARRGgggHHH

Draggy

I have been dragging myself out of bed, to the shower, to school, in finishing up my essay .. etc recently. I just feel so tired..and waking up in the morning feels super hard..even though my exams are like around the corner..(why do ppl say that anyway?) I really just wanna relax and sleep..but I think sleep is a luxury looking at the amount of work to be done.. Doing my last assignment...after which, can start studying (am I supposed to be happy and say YEAH!??)

Hari Raya was nice (well the 5 hrs that I spent in my grandma's house) took pics with my cuz and aunt and grandpa and grandma..and my family.. sadly, went back home after that to finish up my evaluation paper..

This year, more people came over to my house during the 2nd and 3rd day.. wah till the wee hours of the morning.. It's nice though in a way, cos' if not we all wouldn't get a chance to catch up.. hai.. sadness..

well.. got no time to put pics in and resize and all.. take a look at my cuzzie's blog - she put up some nice pic.. even though one of them got my tudung senget!

There's gotto be more to life..

Was super bored, so what else.. had to release boredom Fifi style.. 'danced' around like a mad woman and listened to my 'inspiration' Cd.. yup yup I name my cds.. (so weird rite) Anyway, a song really captured my mood... "there's gotto be more to life".. isn't it true?? Here I am getting all whiny and dreary of things in my life, thinking that I am the center of the universe and that nothin worst can be happening that when 'real' stuff start happening in the world, that you realise just how lucky you are. But yeah.. there has gotto be more to life than merely studying, but maybe, just maybe if I put all my studying in its context and recognise that it is all for a higher aim - to be better prepared for the future..etc, then I wouldn't be so whiny about all the work..

Back to real world happenings, very sad to know that inhuman acts just do not have their full stop. Just a few hours ago, there was blasts in Delhi, killing and injuring people. I have no single clue why people have got to do this. YOU ARE KILLING PEOPLE. And just before Deepavali, a festival for Hindus. Why WHy?? What is the point? What is your aim? Don't people know that history have proven that the truth, hope and good will prevail. Yes, history has showed us that wars, conflicts and what not characterise so many civilization, but there are also many episodes of peace trumping evil.. the Reconciliation process in South Africa which ended Arpatheid for one. Terrorist acts do not benefit ANYONE! Some day these terrorist will realise that all these negative acts won't kill anyone, you just push human beings to the corner and they will find a way to get out of it.

Insya Allah, I hope that people who have lost their loved ones just before the Deepavali festival will remain strong, and those injured will get better, and INSPITE all the terrorist acts in the world, the majority of human kind will still have faith in the instrinsic goodness of MAN.

Sometimes...

Warning: This entry is rather melancholic.

Sometimes I think, I just like to search for trouble only to leave myself in distress after that. Why? I also have no idea why. Perhaps subconsciously is the desire to find another thing to blame for me not being able to finish up my work, or that I get so stressed I look towards the other thing that can make me more stressed?? It ain't logical though.

I pride myself for being able to "let go" and move on. Quickly, as if everything in life, including relationships are one that is touch and go..as if feelings can be erased like words written with chalk on the blackboard. But it can't and I can't do that and I think, a deeper part of me is still struggling to "let go" and truly forgive. Lingering at the back of my mind, sometimes is always the "what if" or "what could have been done differently?". Does it mean that I still hope for things to be different? Or that I just can't reconcile the fact that it has already ended and I was looking at it in a different way? Or is it that I had numbed myself during the whole process and finally, slowly everything is coming out in the open, for me to deal with?

Considering the fasting month is coming to an end, and Hari Raya is coming soon, a time often associated with forgiveness, true forgiveness, can I find it in myself to truly forgive? Truly, truly forgive?? I really hope I do... It's not nice having a hole in one's heart..

Without realisation...

I had no idea that I was actually feeling so stressed. But I think subconsciously, I was and still am. How did I manage to figure it out? Well, lets just say I did. I have been feeling my tempers rising ever so often and over the 'minutest' of things, which seriously isn't me at all.. but surely a sign that I am stressed. Its just a vicious cycle I think...

Piled up work ----- Stress ------ Feeling overburdened ----- Procrastinate ---- Work doesn't get done ----- MORE STRESS

Yup, so.. going to get a time table.. minimise procrastination (hey, you can NEVER eliminate this) and take time off once in a while.. and just do my best!!

Suddenly the finishing line just got so much further and the time given to reach there so much shorter.. Boooh!!

Have Faith

Why have faith? To remind myself that I should have faith in myself. So basically this sudden 'recollection' of faith occured cos' my group's computing project turned out to be a top ten out of god knows how many...
----------
From:
ASSOC PROF YEO GEE KIN
Date: 21/10/2005 09:57:00 PM
Heading:
Instructors' Announcements
Topic:
The 10 Best Projects
Congratulations to students who submitted the following projects!
Please email YANG Yinping yangyp@comp.nus.edu.sg and inform her if you would present in LT or on website.
In alphabetical order, the best projects are:
A Unified Electronic Medical Database in Singapore
"Being Singaporean and Representing Singapore": The Internet and National Identity
Camera Phone Trouble and Singapore Law
Cyber-Counseling in Singapore
Introspections, Retrospections and Perceptions of ICT in Tourism.
Laptop + Lecture = Attention or Distraction
Pervasiveness, Perceptions and Regulations of Cyberloafing - a Singapore Context
Role of ICT in the Singapore Armed Forces
The Web Voice in NKF Incident
Would You Date Me? An Inquiry and Review of Online Dating Services
----------
It should be quite clear which one was my group's rite... So anyway, guess what, all my group members declared this subject S/U, which also means pass or fail. U don't get a grade no matter how you do..unless you fail of course. While the first breath of news was greeted with shock, whine and more whine (Azeanni got a FULL blow of it. why? cos' need to present mah and so much work for something that isn't graded) I came to the conclusion that all this is a lesson in disguise, a good lesson. Why? cos' it just means that everything is possible (except for some like fixing a computer, tyre, or running 3 km..which maybe all of that is still possible? wldn't know till I tried). And the fear of a foreign module no longer haunts me (cos' I got an F for a biophysics module which pulled my cap so so low). So this module has given me bitter sweet memories (!! I can't even believe I said that!!!). Not everything foreign is impossible..

So.. If at first you don't succeed, dust it off and try again!

And.. I can slack for this paper's exam and concentrate on my social work modules!! Hurrah!!

Picture meant to show jus how a nerd I am. Posing in the library!! :)

 

Lethargic!!

Dunno what's wrong but I have been feeling very very sleepy and lethargic lately. And when I say sleeeepy, I really! Really! REALLY! mean SLEEPY!! and the scary thing is, I SLEEP A WHOLE LOT..

For example, on weds, I slept from 11.30 all the way to 4.30 am. (woke up for sahur) and then slept at 6.30 till 12.00. Haiyo!! I also slept like a log on Tuesday night. I really dunno why but the sleep just ain't enough. I just want more and more and more and more and more...........

But got no time!! Its so scary that I got to drag myself to school so I can get some work done. And some is an "overstatement (?)". Why? Its merely like 2 chapters of reading for 4 hrs. Hilarious rite!! I dunno whether is it cause I am so fatigue or have suffered a burn out or I should just create myself a new time table and space out everything. Currently, I am thinking of exercise!! (YIKES!!) from the same girl who had to run her 2.4km fitness test twice cos' she didnt make it the first time round, and who hates sweating. But maybe, just maybe exercise will get my adrenelin pumping..hahhahaha MAYBE!!

ps/ I jus realised that I totally amuse myself everytime I write my blog. hahhha and everything just becomes better. hahhaha oh goodness!!
ps/ps/ Should get myself a ring. aka. married to myself. Pretty good idea since I can entertain myself!

Boo!!

Today, Is a BOO!! day for me. BOO!! day!

What is a Boo!! Day?
A Boo day happens when you realised you onli got a B for an essay that you stayed so many nights for. That you thought you did a good work for. That you were proud for. All I can say is at least I tried. But not even a B+?? Ceh!! Haiya.. I guess I expect a lot from myself. But logical what for that amount of effort. But this experience has really woke me up from my 'sleepy-head' syndrome.

sleepy-head syndome: falling asleep all the time. giving in to my lazy demands and giving myself siesta (short-naps) breaks..

Ok..continuing the Boo!! day. So why is today a Boo day? Cos' I have a 12 hr day today..starting at 9 am and finishing onli at 9 pm. Guess what, I didn't bring my phone. So later at 3, I wldn't know if I can actually have anyone in school that I can chat or have a break with. In short, Boo!!

So yeah..here I go, talking, ventilating, and most importantly, Booing at how everything is going today.. but guess wat, jus saw 3 of my social work friends and they sitting beside me... hahaha and I can't be bothered to erase this entry. hahaha

Now I think I sound mad!!

Was Bored...

Was just getting habituated doing my essay so I decided to take a break.. What else.. Watch MTV!! ahahhha TRL was on.. I like the Vjs. So lively without being over. SO yeah.. anyway, they showcased the new music video by Kelly Clarkson "because of you". At first hearing, one might think that the song refers to an ex right.. wrong, the idea of the song came from Kelly herself, to describe the situation and feelings after her parent's divorce. And since it was so personal she ran the story through her family first. Go catch the music video, its really touching... When you read the lyrics from the perspective that its being sung from the heart of a 5 yr old.. extremely moving!!

------------------------

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You Lyrics

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myselfCause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard wayTo never let it get that far
Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so youngYou should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of youI'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of youI am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Power of the Subconscious

Here goes, the power of the subconscious....

The things we believe about ourselves and the world around us will always manifest in our reality. If we are convined for whatever reason, that we are unimportant, we will not only live our lives as if we are unimportant, but we will also expect others to treat us without respect.

Anything we learn or experience in life is stored in our subconscious mind. We see the world through our belief filter. E.g., believing that "I am unworthy", will result in everything that you face in life processed in this belief filter. So U don't believe it if someone tells u that ur work is good. If your belief is a negative one, you will never give yourself the chance of balancing the negativity through positive experiences. Your subconscious negative belief will not allow you to do so.

So..what should be do?? Have our own affirmation statements. Short, positive sentences that give us a lift. E.g., I can be relax, calm and happy as I undertake this hard essay!!

Well, that affirmative statement is for me! :) I think sometimes, we beat ourselves up much too hard. It could come from our past where our parents tell us that nothing we do is not good enough, or whatever it is. And these experiences, most of the time, makes us question ourselves. Especially during moments of stress. So, having positive statements in our mind, can serve to boost our ego, and more importantly, give us FAITH in ourself. Ain't this such an important lesson?!! Having faith in ourself! KITA BOLEH!!

Right, time to move my ass and start on my essay!! :)

Me Back!!

Well, I just can't help it! I just had to have somewhere where I can ventilate out what I am currently reading...so..what is it?

POSITIVE LIVING by Vera Peiffer

Come on, everyone knows I am such a sucker for self-help books. But this book, got me all excited, so .. this blog shall serve as a summary 'book' of what I have read and learnt!! Here goes........

(pg 26) Positive Living Through Positive Thinking

To lead a happy life, you need to:
- take responsibility for your own well-being
- strive for the best possible relationships (partner, friends) in your life
- leave detrimental ones
- strive to be truly yourself
- understand what makes you tick
- have time for yourself
- do things that give meaning to your life

In short, WE need to be the ones creating the environment to realise our true potential. If we do that, we leave very little room for blaming others, even though they may be to blame for our happiness in the first place. Life is not fair, and therefore, we need to get on with our life, with what we have right NOW!!

Some people we have around, may be bad for you and we have to leave them behind because they make us feel unhappy or stop us from being ourselves. Others, may have done us damage financially or physicallt. After you leave them all behind, only can you move on..
--------
Ain't this such a true true and important lesson to learn? How many times have we kept on holding to a dying friendship. Living in the past? Trying to maintain communication lines open only for the other party not to reciprocate? How many times have we met people who question us, not have faith in us, even though we put them on a pedestal? Well, as I always truly believe, frienships and relationships are meant to be simple, kept simple. Anything that is detrimental or too complicated, should be put aside or thown outside. I am not propagating perfection. No one is perfect, and I myself, have stopped trying to be. But if someone is hurting you more than making you happy, absent more than available..its time to ponder and reflect what all these is doing to you.

next up, the power of the subconcious...

GoodNite

ITS NOT THE END,
JUST A PAUSE
FROM BLOGGING.
MY LIFE HAS NOTHING
SIGNIFICANT GOING ON
ANYWAY.
HAVE A GOOD RAMADAN
TO FELLOW MUSLIMS,
AND TO ALL MY FRIENDS,
I'LL BE BACK!