A Glass Half Full

28 Jul 2008

2008-07-28T00:24:00.001+08:00

I A M H A P P Y ! ! !

9 jun 2008 - 1st post?

2008-06-09T19:18:00.003+08:00

I feel like crap right now. Right now at this point in time. I am once again going through the volatility of my emotions. It sucks. I am burnt. I have called those I wanted to go out and they happen to be busy. Now I am just thinking if I should have at 5pm settled on watching the movie. But at 5pm, I was just feeling more crap cos I was nursing a headache. Just called my last soul. If that doesn't work out ... then I guess it just doesn't. Maybe I will feel better later. MAYBE.

Note: Not the fault of my friends either. Everything so last minute. They have had to bear with my ramblings and down moods for a pretty long time. I ain't good with disclosing I am low not to people I don't know and trust.

Perhaps later I will check in on my emotions.

Ramblings

2008-06-09T01:29:00.002+08:00

Was just rather melancholic when after I dropped Mushi off and on my drive home after visiting my granny at the hospital.

Pause - K the earlier part of the day was rather good cos' I managed to meet a lot of my friends for 2 of my friend's wedding. Mushi and me also managed to kinda settle places where we sld go for our trip in July 08.

K back to my original ramblings.... I guess what got me thinking was really Mushi's qn about "What I want" and "New Yr Resolution".... People very close to me would know that 2008 had been rough for me. Perhaps the roughest ever (then again I've only been alive for 24 yrs). It really had taken me a lot of grit (reminding myself every morning not to be an osrich), love, support and faith. I am terribly indebted to a few people. Lisheng for 'tahaning' the MAD rants even at 2am in the mornings. <--- Had apologised to him for that. ahha I think he was probably glad that I still had the insight to recognised the insanity. Also my SW frens, ding, yat and ling esp who had been always a phone call away. Even my management had pleasantly surprised me. Sometimes, I also don't know if I am the whiner and had perceived my situation worst than it is or whether the situation itself is truly realistically perceived by me and therefore, I am perceiving the difficulties realistically. Mushi thinks its the latter. Haha I really want to believe her since she is blardy honest with me.

Thus far, I think I am muddling through life. While life is not without its up moment, I really wanna take stock and enjoy the everydays - In the words of Natasha Beddingfield - Why do I feel like it is half full when I have enough of it to fill a swimming pool ?? (Gosh, totally sounding bimbotic right now). Perhaps it is just me isn't it, that I want too much from life. Whatever it is, I am hopeful that Morocco would be a start of a de-tox for me and a start of me finding what I want. Well Mr Maslow definately didn't say that self-actualisation was something easy to do!

So much for the ego-centrism, pls pray for my grandparents. I don't know if I ever find the courage to say this to my aunt's face. But truly, my maternal aunt, my mom's youngest sister who had been taking the responsibility to care for my grandparents had allowed my mother to be rid a bit of the responsibility and therefore shower me and the family with attention. Therefore, my family is not so much deprived of her. I hope and pray that if my aunt really need care herself ever, I have the patience and strength to do the right thing for her.

Madness

2008-05-28T01:01:00.001+08:00

I THINK I MIGHT JUST HAVE SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR SOMETHING NUTTY! OH WELL.... CARPE DIEM

Am burnt, tired and just muddling through right now. Till july comes. Insya Allah.

90% there

2008-03-02T23:09:00.002+08:00

humm...how do I go about typing this entry? dunno.. even though my other entries have largely been a stream of consciousness, there always is a very natural start to them... ok let's start anyhow. Basically from dec until feb, I have had such horrid horrid of horridest times.... very very difficult times. But I had forgotten to take time out during those times to reflect on the good times that I also had during the difficult times. But basically, I think the problems while some were things I could not control, others were also my doing I think. But, in all, I am very happy that I've pulled through, tackled it head on and got my wits around me. I am also very very thankful with the HUGE support that I have received from my collegues and good friends. Everyone have been wonderful in supporting me. I think I am very very blessed. I have some of the BEST-TEST friends EAVER! These are the people who are so god damn supportive of me and at the end of the day, so determined in seeing me happy. So so so blessed in having these people in my inner circle. The words that have really woke me up from my "aa...oh oh I am so down bla bla bla" was a car ride conversation I had with my friend Yat - he told me, you know Wati, in the social service line, I see so many people struggling to just make it or not to go down further and compared to them, our problems are so small. And you know what, HE IS SO RIGHT! really he is...he reli reli reli is. The course I attended - CBT by the CBT centre from NZ also helped A LOT... even though it was for suicidal client, the basic principals and concept, I feel are also applicable to myself in order to have a more positive living to life and feel so overwhelmed.
I've been telling so many people that I am in a limbo, a pitch-forked situation with regards to staying or leaving (in my job) and that being in a limbo had been very tough for me, COS I HATE TO BE IN A LIMBO! I guess that is me, I love absolutes..I hate the grey areas and that's why I grapple cos adulthood and life, fundamentally is about dealing with the grey areas. Ok to cut it short, I think meeting up with Mushi on saturday have been very very helpful too...haha in her sarcastic way, she told me, "Wati, it seems like you already made the choice!" Yup she is right. I think deep inside I HAVE made the decision. I just am so afraid to take the step. And I guess, ironically, it is easier to be in limbo cos' if a mistake is made, one can always point to the fact that one haven't committed to the decision. But, at the end of the day, it is very important to commit, take the step, roll with it, work hard, take things when it comes and more importantly, ENJOY the process and not to forget to smell the flowers and the beautiful life I do have. Even though I kinda have made the decision, the swing vote would depend on my conversation/talk with my manager on wednesday. Once that is done, I probably would make the decision and roll with it! :)

Learning to learn

2008-01-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

Let's just say that the weeks that have passed have had good times but more bad times... especially when it comes to work... Really feeling as if I was hit by a bus, then a truck, and now, a container. Sometimes I feel that it really irritates me that there is just so much to do and only 24 hours to do everything..not even 24 hours because, I am human, and I need to eat and I need to sleep and I need to chill..I've got so much needs...

At the end of the day, I don't know if I can reconcile it with myself. I don't see how other people see things..I don't see how is it that people think I am coping?...How is it that people think I am ok? Borrowing words from Sidney Poitier, We are all struggling....and really I do feel I am struggling..I feel like the duck...seemingly calm on the surface but paddling like no one's business everywhere else..Feeling jus too much...

So many things that I want to learn this year..I want to learn how to be independent .. I feel that I am rather dependent on people..I am thankful that there are so many people who have been so kind..but i've got to try...try to be alright by myself..just so that..I can be ok..even though other people are not around...just so...

Bah!!! No no no..pls don't think I am suicidal or anything.. Just feeling low...and I do have my low moments..

Mid Jan 2008

2008-01-12T03:04:00.000+08:00

and so pay day is coming. But I am not so happy or jumpy.. am I appreciative of the raise? Yesh of course. But is the work really worth it? I don't know. It is getting to me that I am not giving quality to my work. Shall use sat to look through all my case files and think of what I am supposed to do. Sigh!

I am tired. I dunno why but I am tired. T I R E D. Can't seem to get out of this mode. Anything else is transitory. Am I burnt out? Dunno. But I am just very T I R E D ! ! !

Am I happy at times? Of course. Do I enjoy some parts of my job? Of course. But is this all life is about? Can't one be happy at A L L times?

Ok it is 3.16 am and I got to get to work in 5 hrs time. Shit!

2008

2008-01-01T21:02:00.000+08:00

The weeks leading up the New Year was nothing but FANTABULOUS!!!!!!! all the way from 16 Dec 2007.. Had a family gathering, had friends gathering, had lots and lots of pressies, went to chill in KL with my family doing nothing but shopping. Came back to Singapore and forced myself to clear my cupboard and rearranged the clothes I had.....

The only thing bad I could think of happening was cutting my thumb when I cut my cake during the family gathering.. haha nothing like a lil' bit on blood on a happy occasion (GOsh, totally sounding like Countess Dracula)

While work in the office has been piling, and at times I feel like I'm going to just collapse. However, the support has been great. I've sort out some beef I had with my boss and also had found some good collegues.. DO I dare to think of them as friends? Dunnno. Really Dunno. I dun dare to even invite them home yet.. haha so yea.. But I was very shocked at the pressies they bought me. I went on leave during my bdae (18 dec) all the way till 26 Dec.. and when I came back.. Oh la la... I had so much things! I had a new hello kitty keyboard, brooch, locket, loewe coin purse and also dior make up set! Oh la la.. SHocked you know very shocked.. THey really knew what I wanted and bought it for me!!! When I came to office, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. well until I was given the new case. But still, I was jumping around like a crazy bunny.. Very happy...

Then it was work, and I felt tired...waking up everyday.. I really think my health is not as good now.. cos' I've gained too much weight. heavy then become tired... okok.. But.. coming back to the point.. me, arfah, mushi planned to spend time with yani.. make her happy and also spend New Year together..Everything started out well.. we were laughing and all..then we moved to Arab St.. then who did I chance upon? Him la.. the him who I haven't seen for the past 2 yrs or so.. The him who I used to share my thoughts, feelings, everything.. and the him who I kinda put out of my mind cos' he was out of sight.. truth is, I was damn shocked to see him on New Years Eve.. very the DENG rite.. Held on to Mushi's arm quite tightly... Think she quite blur and did not know what was happening la cos' she probably thought it was me going to fall down. okok so anyway.. things went ok.. I went to eat murtabak.. and then went to East Coast..walk walk.. talk a bit..took a long drive.. and then... when I come home..found him msg me on facebook?! hello what happened to sms ah..why ah? you want me to snoop around is it?! entah eh.. Just feel very loser la.. it's like he has his education now, his new girl..me? dunno eh.. just feel loser that I dun have anyone special in my life..thanks to Nick, Yani, Arfah and ND who put things in perspective.. Yup.. shock la shock la.. Move on..

Ok.. So.. 2007 - how wld I put it.. A HUGE LEARNING JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!! HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Started the year with a rude shock.. Had an extremely mean client who frightened the shit out of me.. I went to bed at times dreaming that he would hit me. Was very scared dealing with him. I remember crying and shaking and could not even see him. My AM was extremely reassuring. Handled it for me. Processed the situation with me. Then there was this other group of ppl who got me my favourite choc so that I will be reassured... Then came the beef with my boss.. Dunno what first started it but I felt extemely unsupported. Didn't help that I was feeling stressed and I was comparing the help she gave another officer as compared to me. I felt so unfairly treated. A feeling I hated. But through that time, nice ppl sat with me, helped me. And that made me stay on in the job. I almost quit. At different times, I almost wanted to tender my resignation. So with the inputs and shit stiring from different sides..I felt more and more angry.. But Alhamdulilah. I am able to calm down and think things thro. I found strength to talk to my boss. Before that, I went to talk to my mentor. Had a dinner with her. Processed with her what I was going to say. and on that day, I found the strength to be honest with my boss, really honest. I must say, a cloud was lifted on that day. I cried. I cried in front of her towards the end. Cos' I realised her limitations were due to the fact she aint perfect cos' she was human and that I wasnt perfect too. I cried because I felt relief. Relief at the thought that she was not picking on me. She was able to see my strength. I learnt that I needed to trust myself more. I realised I had a good boss. She could handle me. I am a rather hard officer to handle. She could handle my honesty and sometimes bluntness with poise, respect and openess.

I also found time to spend more time with my friends. I think I have made choices. Some friends, I make concerted effort to spend time with them. Other friends, a Hi and Bye. Other friends, well.. Humm..wonder what happened to them.

I realised that I am a happier person (except for the day when I met him la..cos' shocked). I take things in my stride. I've learnt to juggle. To be stressed, hyperventilate and breathe. I learnt that I can do things. I also learnt to trust myself. So what lies in 2008?

Very importantly, I need to realise that I deserve to be loved by a special person. I don't think I have realised that. I have to learn that I come first. I have to learn that I need to put in effort to look good. I need to learn that it is important to put in effort to make myself feel good. I need to learn that I need to enjoy and let go. I need to learn that work is work, life is life and that life, in its complexity, is actually simple.

So what is my new years resolution

1) Take time to wear make up to work
2) Take time to exercise
3) Take time to have regular facials
4) Take time to say No and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
5) Take time to travel (hoping that Uzbekiztan and Moscow becomes a reality)
6) Do my work well, act as a professional, be a professional
7) Make time for friends and family
8) Widen my social circle
9) Fall in love if I can (doesn't mean it has to be a relationship - miss the fuzzy feeling in the tummy wummy)
10) Be a good daughter and sister
11) FALL IN LVOE WITH MYSELF

Need to think

2007-12-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

I need to take time to reminice about 2007. I feel that right now, I am aimless... Not that I am not happy. I am just bored with all the chaos. Need to think but not now. Need to sleep!

Social Life

2007-11-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

It has been some time since I took time out and spent time laughing and talking and almost crying with friends... Really enjoyed my dinner with the girls (Nornie, Arfah and Doreen) laughed and laughed at each other's antics and especially at Nornie's boyfriend.. Sweet sak... they were at the same place but must call each other using hp.. Ish Ish Ish.. haha and Nornie obviously had to go and "bake her cake" in the middle of the dinner... haha.. (wonder if she will kill me after reading this post).. Oh well.. all in all it was fun... we were even treating it like our own mini karoake.. Can't blame us.. the song's were all sappy love songs (oh i cant have him anymore, or oh my heart broke kinda songs) and oh oh.. how can I forget the YOU LIFT ME UP... goodness.. now the song will always make me laugh -> all thanks to Arfah, yea yea... the sweat marks under the pitts...

I had a very good "reflection" moment with Doreen in the car ride... I really needed that... Been a long time since a friend's touching words brought tears to my eyes... Thanks gurl... and the words she said really really touched me.. But I was laughing when she pointed out how I can be a totally blur person and "leave debris behind me".. <- that's a very true observation.. And at the end of the day, I feel blessed for having good friends. Friends who love me as much as I love them, if not more... and I feel more blessed knowing that I will meet them on 18 dec again.... Eh to those friends I forgot to invite...cos' I only told a few (in case my leave doesn't get approved).. Having a get together on 18 dec.. jom... why? so I can spend the day with people I love!!!

Well, tonight, I screwed my work and am going to sleep with a good and happy light heart. Knowing that I have good friends. MUACHIES..

The Measure of a Man - What is life about?

2007-09-21T06:22:00.000+08:00

I've been very tired and very draggy for the past few weeks.... It was only till I took a short break away and slept my days away that I rejuvenated myself. Have been taking things slow in terms of going out, cutting myself some slack and also taking stock and enjoying the lil successes that I have in a day - keying my case notes, making phone calls, request for reports, writing reports...etc and the list goes on.... I tik rite now, I am taking pride in the lil' things I have done... Too much rushing aint that good either... Sometimes when u rush, u lose sight of the process and the end that you've envisioned in sight ... is just going to be that... a vision.... (wah ok very chim)

I finally completed the book - The Measure of a Man - a spiritual autobiography by Sidney Poitier... I must say that the book really speak to me... from his belief that things could be better in his younger days, his strong sense of passion and how he describes that he also has a fear of failure.... Aren't we all then a contradiction... Or at least I am... Sometimes I ask myself, How can I be filled with so much faith in myself and yet consumed with self-doubt at the same time...

Sometimes I do feel that I am so afraid of letting down the hopes that people have in me and also the positive thoughts that some people in the office have of me... when people say, oh... I want to train u... or oh I see that you can go far... It really ignites the spirit... But at the same time, I do feel as if I am living up to something... and that...I do not like... For I've always believed that it is more important to judge yourself with your own yardstick... and continue to improve oneself every single day.. But oh well... I am human and am a sucker for praises....

K.... It's now 6.42 am... Goin to prepare to go to work soon.... Leaving good powerful quotes from the book I've just finished reading.... and I take pleasure form this 2 quotes - as it reminds me of what I am - HUMAN

" We're all of us a little greedy. (Some of us are plenty greedy). We're all somewhat courageous, and we're all considerably cowardly. We're all imperfect, and life is simply a perpetual, unending struggle against those imperfections."

"... I'm responsible for not what happens but for what I make of it. It's up to me to take my own measure, to claim what's real, to answer for myself."

~ Beautiful??!! Go read the book many more good quotes... And may today be a better day as I make good the opportunities given to me as I continue in my journey to improve myself. God Willing :)

Cheerios

U can't control other ppl, Only urself

2007-07-31T00:17:00.000+08:00

"you can't control other people, only yourself"!!! How many times have we heard the line... I've realised that it is so hard to control yourself when the situation is not a perfect one.. or when the situation is not what you expected it to be... You are left grinting your teeth and you whine and grine and whine about how unperfect the situation is... Well, what I can say is that some amount of whining is alright and even therapeutic as it enables the negative to get out of one's system... However, too much of it will just leave one incapacitated...

I've had a very enlightening talk with someone I will not consider a friend.. She forced me to think of an alternative way of thinking about the situation... and while it is quite tough to swallow, it does have some element of realism and truth in it...

I have to calm down and realise that I cannot control the emotions of that person... I cannot control how that person react to me.. I can control my professionalism and how I react to that person..

Tommorrow is another day... With a new day, comes new opportunities

In the toilet

2007-07-23T11:02:00.000+08:00

There is a point to this entry....and I do hope I will be able to make that point.. K first things first.. my brain feels like goo...and also feels like there are thousand million things running around at a speed of dunno wat la... well all the unknown things are running fast..

K anyway, I was sitting at the toilet bowl la, reading Cleo mag, and came to this section wic asked for opinions from girls on whether they call their ex if they are drunk and how they feel about it... K I am sure what I was thinking was totally out of point with what the poll was trying to do, but I was just thinking... Isn't it amazing, we, as humans, can spend part of our lives with someone, and then just get over it... Hum... the strength of the human spirit I must say....

Now back to the report writing...

Pissy pissy

2007-07-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

Was damn pissed today... but it cld be tat i jus want some time and also support frm the mngt.. my boss like so tidak apa.. tat it gets to me also... haiya.. but cld it be that she thinks i can handle my work and therefore leave me to my own devices?? tat can be considered a good thing rite?? whatever la... i can't expect things to be perfect... move on wati move on...

One Year On...

2007-07-12T23:51:00.000+08:00

Wow... as I am typing this, I feel extremely surreal... It has been a whole year since I started this job... and the truth is, I feel like I've been doing this for longer than one year... the things that I have learnt, have been so inspiring, heart-breaking but all in all, opened my eyes and forced me to look at reality while holding on to my idealistic beliefs, faith and staying true to myself..

In this one year, I have learnt to let down my guard, put my guard up, mind my own business, have faith, learn to trust and yet learnt that some ppl are just assholes.. I have also learnt that I am extremely fortunate and lucky... I have wonderful and fantabulous friends who have helped me throughout the journey, and also close collegues who have stayed by my side even though I had been a brat at times... So thankful.. so so so thankful! :)

And so tommorrow is a new day, with new challenges (not problems), new excitements and new opportunities...

Alhamdulilah, I still see the positives in this world! :)

Rainy Wed

2007-07-11T22:11:00.000+08:00

I reali feel that I am not taking good care of myself... very poor self-care I must say and I am tempted ever so often to be an ostrich... and I do feel that it shows in my work. Even my AM was asking me how I was doing a report as she felt that I have written better reports before.. Wic is true because I was damn tired doing it and I just wanted it to be done and over with...

Suddenly there is just so so much to do... It's crazy... But I really must learn how to deal with it because I do feel I am coming to full load... if not now super super soon... and at the end of the day, must remember that it is all for the best interest of the children!!!

And how do I know that I am getting too tired? I get very irritated with my clients and have caught myself yelling at them and being unprofessional at times. I also get very short tempered, both at work and also with my clients.. and I got to catch myself and stop myself...

I need to relax... Focus, and realise that I am human, but I need to do the best I can.. Tenacity..
Insya Allah

State of OK

2007-06-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

Something just dawned on me as I was writing my report... No no... I wasn't slogging over it.. It's mostly done ... left one tiny part which I am taking my own sweet time to do.. Anyway, back to the earlier thought... I just realised that I have an issue dealing with the "ok" moments in my life. You know the moments where it ain't particularly rah-rah- or particularly sad... It's when you feel everything is moving normally... at an alright speed and you can handle it... Why ah I wonder? Do I like drama so much?? ANd if so why? Cos when things are alright, I tend to want more!!! Don't get me wrong it's not that I am not contented... I am ... I just want more.. More...

Haiz... okok... So, some people in the office have been saying that I am very Teh.. and that I can get away with things... But I really don't think so you know...!!!

Utterly Rubbish

2007-06-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

I sit wide awake rite now, and I find that it is UTTERLY rubbish.. I have been having horrid jolt-me awake nights since Sunday... I really think that it is cos' I am starting work on 13 June 2007, a Wed... and before I wrote my tots down on my blog, the amount of work I have to catch up with is flashing through my mind..I am getting nostalgic by the fact that I can't catch afternoon tvs no more or laze on my 2nd floor, with air con blasting, cold water in my hand, and then play with my bro! oh goodness! I reali dun know why but I am gettin nostalgic over the lil' things, like sleepin in, like watching tons of MTV, like going out with my friends.. I think I just had such a blast this hols... a real blast that I can't bear to give it up... But I find my inability to sleep utterly ridiculous... Or am I just SOOO well rested that I cannot sleep? Oh goodness.. I must really thank my friends for making my hols oh so fun... I have managed to see all of my friends but one, and spent some quality (tho' short) time playing with my brother... I do pity him and I realised that he feels lonely... But can't be so enmeshed also cos' I got my own stuff to do... Haiya how I wished I was superwoman and I have the energy to do millions and kazillions of stuff... and I have more than 24 hrs.. But I don't and all I can do is to do the best with what I've got! Pheeweh... @ least it is out of my system!

Refreshed

2007-06-08T01:23:00.000+08:00

It has been such a long time since I felt this sense of calmness and contentment... I truly haven had this for a long period of time.. As I am writing this, I am midway on my leave... some more days to go and I told myself that I will try my best to enjoy it, God Willing.

Talking to Doreen before the other girls came was reali insightful.. and I tik it is true.. Ultimately, this is my first ever real job.. yesh I did relief teaching and all.. but at the end of the day this is my FIRST EAVER real job... and it is tough.. the world out there is different.. and I think I have been blessed... @ the end of the day, it could have been worst..

I was pondering jus now and I realised that I ain't proud of how I handled some stuff.. truly I haven.. But I do feel as if I had made things rite before I left...In my own way I felt I have, even if the person or other people did not think I have... I did something which I did not want to do, contribute to the office gossip, instead of jus shutting my trap.. and I feel tat in some ways, I have hurt some people... Life at the end of the day is an extremely reciprocal thing.. sometimes you do not get what you want and you are not dealt with the best of cards, but ultimately it is about how you react to the situation that will make it different, or will change the outcome...

I am a lil bit ashamed of myself.. I dunno, and I fear and I really hope not.. things which I confided in certain people in the office, remain where they are... But I have come to realised that walls have ears and people have bigger mouths... But whatever I have done, as one of my fren put it, is done, it is out there, what I can control are things which I haven't done.... and that, I am determined to control and set right..

I am very lucky that there are people in the office who looks out for me... I haven been perfect, and there were times I know I have thrown my weight around and acted all spoilt.. But they still came around, and for that I am lucky.. If they did not like me, I would and could be miserable, so I am counting my blessing...

I realised during this holiday, that it is so important to focus on myself, me..I... and I haven't done that.. It is also important to surround yourself with people who love you and whom you love.. My friends are truly wonderful ... I haven't been around much for them, and yet, when I am free, they are around, and we always have a blast.. for that I cannot be more than thankful for.. :)

I have embarked on a project... it's a lil exciting for myself...Shhhhhhh...Details in a month's time

I have decided that I can't truly fault people around, I have got to be an adult, a professional and I can't expect to be dealt with a perfect set of cards... But what I can do, is as much as humanely possible, react to them as perfectly and as wonderfully as I can..

For the rest of my hols, I am going to enjoy myself@!!!!

Btw, I am broke... haha cos' I bought, I, me... bought my first ever DIOR bag.. oh ... I am sooo in love with it... It truly is my highest peak of retail therapy... Many thanks to Noni who followed me around.... she must have gotten bored with my repeated questioning!!! BUT LOVE U NONI.. and love my bag too!!!!

Loving Myself

2007-05-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

Finally spent some quality time with my dear GURU...Ms Arafah.. I have made a decision.. Yup, the need to be healthy.. I need to love myself more.. and what best to put my new resolution in motion... RETAIL THERAPY... I've never bought myself a diamond ring.. So, I told myself, I am sooo going to get myself a diamond ring soon... (when I have cash to spare) to remind myself that I am married to myself, I need to love myself more... hahah until I find someone who loves me more than I love myself.. But at this point I doubt that person exist.. till then, I shall love myself, do my best and treat myself well... Yup yup... WATI IS BACK! :) No more mopping arnd.. hahhaa @ least not till tommorrow.

Nuff said

2007-05-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

Haven been reli thankful for what I have.. Why? Well minor probs here and there lah.. But I guess it's my expectations or idealism...

Basically.. things aren't that bad.. So much things to do.. I've asked for leave in June 07 but the big bosses haven got back to me.. I think I need short breaks thro out the year to keep my sanity and prevent from burn out..

Anyways.. I can't be an ostrich in this job.. Still learning.. Forever will be learning.. I guess I take myself too seriously.. N could be expecting too much of people.. Need to reflect.. Everyone got 24 hrs and 2 hands and 2 feet.. I can't expect too much.. Need to be realistic.. Root word... REALISTIC... hahha

So yea.. nuff said.. life ain't that bad.. and It's a hard lesson I need to learn.. Sometimes it is enuf when things are OK. or ... things could be worst!!

Labour Day

2007-05-01T19:53:00.000+08:00

hahha... Very farnie lah.. Why is labour day called labour day when most of us are not labouring on the day??? hahha I can't figure it out lah.. but whatever... I had a great day today!! Woke up late, caught Spiderman 3.. (wic I feel was very sad!), saw CLueLeSS and Legally Blonde 1 on DVD... Ahhh so nice!!! hahah Can feel the sunny, bright, Oh I can face the world me coming up!! Later on going to put on mask.. Ta ta ta....

Managed to put my various receipt for transport claims together.. Haiz...

Not really looking forward to the days and weeks coming cos' I know it is going to be a tough week ahead.. But what to do right?? I can't be a total ostrich and not want to be involved... I have to do my work.. I need to learn how to be more productive.. Damn it lah.. So many times I said that already.. But it is really hard to focus when your heart is tense.. but that wastes time I learnt..

Haiz.. I tik i got some powerful quotes from Spiderman 3... 1. "Forgive yourself" 2. Choice...
Ain't that right.. Choice... But most of the time the hardest choice is the hardest to do.. So why is it hard?? Haiya kk shall end tonight on a positive note.. Looking forward to Sat.. to spend some time with my Social Work mates!!!

Lesson

2007-04-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

I learnt that :

1. I got to stand up for myself
2. Concentrate and put my efforts at my own work cos' I will have to stand up for my work
3. Hard work and Iron clad determination pays off.. I learnt that.. Now to internalise that..
4. I cannot work for a person.. I need to work for a department and for myself..
5. Tired.. Need to sleep!!

Good Weekend

2007-04-23T22:12:00.000+08:00

This weekend was a good weekend... I did not touch any of my work on Sat and only started on Sun evening.. that I feel, did wonders... I am smiling more now.. Oh goodness.. and the pedicure I had just now was jus fantabulous.. ahhhhh... hehhe...

I did some smart things also this week... Was reading, Swimming with the Sharks without being eaten alive.. by Harvey Mackay and it has given me some inputs on how I wanna go about with work...

I think @ the end of the day, It feels good to know I did a good work to the best of my abilities.. and from now on, I shall not only know what I need to do, but get off my butt to do it.. Lesser time walking around in the office, more chop chop doing things.. and more planning.. so I do not waste precious time!!!

Heard from boss that I got a new case tommorrow.. wow.. what can I say? Let the work begin!!

2007-04-16T21:14:00.000+08:00

haiya.. today @ work, didn't turn out too badly.. It sucks for me to feel like crap.. I have an issue I think to wanna feel wonderful.. I ain't contented with just feeling ok.. Dunno why also.. Sigh!! I guess things can be worst... Have to think like a professional and act like a professional.. Have to learn to just be ok with ok..

in malay

2007-04-16T11:31:00.000+08:00

Kau tau aku dah nak giler biler I go on and on in Malay.. yeah.. skarang ah aku ni nak jadi giler.. so overworked.. and damn people semua tak realise ah.. ingat aku robot ka pa..

so last wk cakap advance kan aku case pasal the others ader training.. lepas tu macam aku pun tak der training ka pa... merepek.. ok tu tak pasall.... abih kena jerit dengan direct supervisor.. oi.. aku ni dah working my butt off... lepas tu.. kena jerit.. aku tak der feeling ka pa? ok tak per.. aku relak time weekend... try buat report.. and hoping this wk relak cos diorang cakap kasi aku break for next allocation..

abih niari supposed to be my off lah eh.. tak per.. nak gi kerja pasal old case coming and nak buat final touches to court report.. abih... pagi pagi.. siol!! telefon.. cakap aku kena case..

oi... korang ni giler ke? tak sioman ke? tak masuk akal ke? aper ke? then biler aku cakap kat phone aku penat.. diorang ketawa.. eh.. giler ke...

ok skarang aku pun nak naik giler.. nak gi kerja.. siol.. is there a light at the end of the tunnel.. if there is it better come quickly.. cos' skarang.. pitch black sak..

Blank

2007-04-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

feeling super blank now.. i've been working for like 16 hrs shift.. that it is irritating the living hells out of me... I hate it... I missing out for so much.. and sometimes I feel so urrgh.. but I do enjoy some bits of it at times..

well.. now i am jus blank and tot of putting in ramdom tots on my blog.

wld be nice to have a massage right now. shoulder cramp.. similar cramp i had when i was in jc.. and later in hons year.. so i know that i am working blardy hard..

being rudder to ppl now.. glad that people have been extra forgiving towards me. very blessed for tat. people going out of their way to help me also.

tired, cramped, piece of shit.. blank random tots.. i jus wana sleep and sleep.. i miss sleeping.. i reli jus miss chiling and sleeping

and my shoulder is cramped. my head feels heavy. wanna cut my hair. enuf randomness

random

2007-04-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

This entry is totally goin to be totally random.. speaks a whole lot to my state of consciousness at this juncture.. Supposed to be writing a report. BUT, I just can't concentrate so why bother right.. well I ain't got a choice.. report ain't that hard lah.. but I realised there is a lot of information that I am missing at this point. not that it is bad.. I got the basic stuff I need lah..

BUt I need to feel more relaxed then it would flow out more nicely.. Dunno.. I just do not feel happy when the standard of work I give is not up to par.. It sucks when the person you are fighting with is yourself..

Lately, I've noticed that I have done things which I really regret after doing it.. the things I have said to people (which I think are mean) and the things I do.. I really hope that at the end of the day, I would be able to hold on to my integrity, my passion for life and my idealism.. Increasingly, I realised that it is getting harder and harder.. Life ain't bad for me.. But perhaps I've had it too good?? I still am trying to just smile.. and smile.. But work is tough.. the cases are getting tougher at times and I find myself being tired ...

Can't really share difficulties with my family cos my parents are the type who would tell me to grit my teeth and just fight on.. "how else you think we got here" blah blah blah.. yeah you get my drift.. thankful for the friends whom have provided me with so much support.. Right now, I am feeling so much better.. was worst for wear 2 wks ago.. very very grateful that my friend yat agreed to meet me last minute, cheered me up and could really understand and provided me with positive reframing of what I otherwise thought was a sucky- of the suckiest situation!

Seriously, I would like to know how my bosses are thinking about my work.. I did not have my 6 mth review which ppl in my office had.. I do hope to have my 1 yr review.. It's like a compass.. a map.. and for me.. to know where I am going and the path that I had walked..

But I have been feeling reali tired recently, and not rested.. hope this will pass.. reli hope this will pass!!!

Can't wait for 21 Apr 2007 ----- I miss my GURLS!!!!!!!! ANDREA, ARFAH, NORNIE,LINDA!!! here I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geram..

2007-03-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

This blog entry written when I was feeling very pissed.. Have you ever felt reali pissed that you wanted to cry?? Or maybe you not the crying type of person... Haiya... Ok.. I am a crybaby.. I cry when I am sad, when I am angry, when I am stressed.. Bottom line... I like to get it out of my system...

I DO NOT like it when people take me for granted.. No SERIEEE... I hate it.. ANd what I cannot stand is UNFAIRNESS!!! reli reli UNFAIRNESS.... and seriously, I do not feel that I am being treated fairly... But perhaps it is all PERCEPTION? that I do not get the same treatment becos she thinks I can handle it? I dunno.. Or maybe I am just too idealistic lah thinking that I should receive what everyone else does..

Just feeling very very very tired rite now.. Haven been reli productive.. But it is alright.. We all have our moments.. Goin to give myself time to just goof off..

Was just listening to Madonna's song.. Frozen.. love this part of the lyrics:
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen when your heart's not open
You're so concerned with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken when your heart's not open
----
Maybe I am rite now only seeing what I wanna see... AND>>>>> I am learning that Life cannot be EXACTLY how I want it to be..

I guess it is just hard that I do not get support at home.. Dun reli want to discuss issues at home cos Mum tends to minimise it.. I know it is her way of supporting me.. But seriously, at this point in time, I do not need support in that nature.. I want someone to sayang sayang me..

Whatever it is.. I am pissed.. I hate feeling Like I am treated for granted!

Sucky

2007-03-22T22:01:00.000+08:00

crap lah... feeling crap.. jus had a tiff with my mum.. or so I tik... watever lah..
feeling a bit down.. dunno if it is flu or what.. need more vit c!

watever lah! watever!

state of blankness

2007-03-17T20:13:00.000+08:00

this post is going to be so random.. all the thoughts going thro my head right now..

thankful for friends who have helped to give me instructions while I faced trouble at work.. LEarning how to be an adult and a professional.. I din know that it was so hard to be an adult.. It sucks.. The world is not how I tik it should be.. I am learning how to be a realist...

Trying to spend enough time with work friends, in activties and be more efficient.. also spent the entire Sat with my family.. Very tired.. Jus realised that I might have cut myself too thin.. So tired that I find it hard to drag my fat bum..

Feeling irritated about my weight and the fact that I can't fit into so many of my clothes rite now.. Damn broke already.. and it is so long till my next pay day.. Something is wrong with the way I manage my finances..

Loving singlehood and my life right now.. But feeling like I wanna belong to someone..

K enough said.. Feel so much better now

LUVEEE...

2007-03-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

I love the song My Wish by Rascal Flatts.... It really sums up what I hope the partner I hope to fall in love with will wish for me... I LOVE IT... hahha but sounds very idealistic!!! But I love it!!!

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.

But More than anything,
Yeah, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

SWOONZZ.. Got anyone like this out there?? Muahhaha..

And... my parents keep on harping that I am fat and put on weight.. and my work collegues keep on harping that I am fat and have put on weight!! PEOPLE I GET IT!! Enough already!! Getting on my nerves!

RudeBox

2007-03-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

Feeling quite bad rite now.. cos I was very rude to my manager jus now... I stormed into a meeting that she was having with the other heads just to ensure that she follows me for a case discussion. Haiya.. one of my collegue said that I looked as if I was throwing a temper tantrum.. shit.. So unlike me... my assessment of the situation?

I did not carry myself very well.. I should have not done what I had done because it was not professional.. Shit.. Why did I do it? Seems that everytime I am stressed I would regress and really act all immature.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!!!!! I think I must have internalised my stress that is why.. On the surface it seems like I am alright but actually I am not.. sigh! Deep sigh! Am I just thinking too much? My collegue was telling me that I am lucky that people in the office do like me.. cos' if another person had thrown that temper tantrum the entire office sure to have made it a big issue...

ANNNDDD... not only was I throwing a temper tantrum.. I was rude and cranky tau!!! What is wrong with me?? SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

So what did I do? I messaged my manager.. apologising to her about the fact that I tot I was rude.. Bluurrghh that is all I can do right?!

Signing out... SOmeone SLAP ME!

Where is my HP?

2007-03-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

SHIT! I CAN'T FIND MY HP! NOT IN MY BAG.. OR IN THE CAR.. I SWEAR I BELIEVED I HAD IT WITH ME.. SHALL LOOK IN THE CAR AGAIN TOMMORROW MORNING AND AT WORK.. IF NOT.... HAIYA...

AND MY GUM HURTS AGAIN.. SHIT LAH SHIT

You don't need to find a job you love...

2007-02-21T23:20:00.000+08:00

I lurrvve the entry in MInd yOur body... Tot I sld post is as a reinforcement to myself!

- Technically... You DO NOT have to find a job you love.. you can learn to love your job.
- And at the end of the day, it is one's level of optimism and quality of relationships which have a bigger impact on one's happiness than one's job!!

- What is level of optimism? How we think at the very core.
- Therefore, being happy comes from the way we think at our very core - and that thinking shapes the work we do - not the other way round...

- and, rationalising behaviour - actually creates genuine happiness in a job...

- It serves to reinforce my mostest favourite therapy - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
in sum:: The way I THINK, Affect the way I FEEL, and therefore the way I
BEHAVE

- Though I got TONS to do tommorrow, shall do it with an open mind.. and just get on with it.. Insya Allah... :)

Sad Life Story

2007-02-18T00:32:00.000+08:00

"Sad Life Story" ... Tat is how I describe things that do not go my way currently... and usually it is meant toungue in cheeck...

So how do I describe my life so far?? Well let's just say I am trying to learn what is necessary, find my resilience and better cope with the situation... I think in a way this job is making me grow up faster, be less naive and yet, when I realise the good things that have come and the positive changes I have made.. it serves to reinforce that all things are possible..

Real thankful for the break from office till Wed 21 Feb 2007.. tho' I brought back paperwork and report to do.. not complaining so much about that.. Need to be more productive at work, so as to prevent myself bringing work back home.. I can do it!!

Looking forward to see the JJ people soon!!! :)

Blessed

2007-01-31T23:32:00.000+08:00

Feeling tired cos my interviewed ended at 10 p.m. ... but I feel good cos' it is a job well done.. and I feel so blessed coming from the family that I come from... Suddenly all the problems that I face seems so trivial.. And I feel blessed that I am in the position to do someting about situations... Alhamdulilah

It shall be a better day

2007-01-29T00:33:00.000+08:00

It's a new week - Last wk of Jan 07.... My first weeks of 07 have been a roller coaster ride.. But I have survived it and as a famous person once said... "things pass"... good or bad... and it's true!!!

Anyway... This last wk of 07, I shall try my best, be positive, take life by it's horns and I want to start it by believing that it will be a good week ahead... come what may.. Insya Allah..

Bad DAY

2007-01-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

WAS UTTERLY FRUSTRATED!! UTTERLY! FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! AND I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS THEIR PROMISE... FREAK MAN I'VE ONLY BEEN IN THIS SITUATION FOR A MERE 6 MTS... SO PLEASE NO EXCUSES COS YOU SUCK!

PISSED... I WAS SO PISSED THAT I CRIED... PISSED PISSED..

Feeling..

2007-01-19T00:35:00.000+08:00

Feeling pensive and a lil' lovelorn... Since various songs would come to my mind everytime I feel a particular way... I realli wonder why the song by Ronan KEating, The Long Goodbye keeps coming up to my mind... seriously...

Whatever lah.. I love the lyrics... Described how I feel a particular time.. and esp the last line when ROnan sings... Am I coming back again? I guess I'm never coming back again...

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be ( so they say)
But those words don't pull me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin through the mill(climbin' up a hill)
Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard we try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over.. Let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance ( just one more chance)
But I know without a doubtT
hat we turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense ( only self defence)
But it tears me up insideJ
ust to think we still could tr
yHow long must we keep riding on a carousel
Goin round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)

Year 2006

2007-01-01T01:58:00.000+08:00

Everytime I think about yr 2006, I feel that I've not accomplished anything yet.. Dunno why... But then, when I reli started to think about what I had done this year...I realised that I had done so much that it just did not seem enough... An oxymoron??

First up, I graduated from UNI!!! Finally!!! And I managed it with the class of honours I wanted.. (not what I aimed for lah when I entered) but what I tot I cld work for when I looked at it realisticaly.. Alhamdulilah..

Second, I graduated Uni making new real frens, frens who have reali been there for me..and whom I feel I've known for eons... SHout out to Liling and Jianting especially..But I truly feel that the social work bunch are great..Truly.... Nick, Yat, Sugeeta...Haiz...so Blessed....To leave an experience with new friendship! :)

Third, I did not really have to try very hard to get the job that I wanted... And I realy think I haven't counted my blessings..SOmetimes, I do tend to take it for granted...

Fourth, I have stayed on my job for 6 months...I can still remember the first day where I wanted to cry and talked to Mushi at night..She realli calmed down my nerves..Thanks Mushi.. I love you so much girl..I feel that our friendship has really grown over the years..

Six, I have managed to stay in touch with my close frens, ...Arfah, Noni, Arafah, Edleen, Nd, Linda... I always feel so blessed to have good friends around.

Seven, I have managed to contribute to my family, and am spending quality time with them.

Eight, I realised, only very recently..that I will and shall not contact "him" anymore.. No more hard feelings... That was a chapter in my life... Both good times and bad..I shall carry the experience with me and make sure that I do better in my next relationship. Goodness..that realisation make you feel so free!! :)

Nine, even despite going into the real world, I still am..me... I still hold on to the belief that "there is goodness in everyone"...

...So 2006 was a fruitful year afterall....
...What's for 2007? I don't know yet... I shall come up with goals, and clear objectives..
...What I do know, Is that I wanna LIVE..and enjoy the everyday! :)

To everyone who have entered my life, one way or another, be it good or bad, thank you... the experience have made me who I am...May everyone have a wonderful 2007!

Good Dinner

2006-12-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

I HAD A BLAST..THANKS..IT TOTALLY MADE MY DAY AND COVERED FOR YESTERDAY NITE'S HORRID DINNER WITH PARENTS... I CAN'T SAY THANK U ENUFF.. LOVE YOU LILING AND BEST FREN...WLD UPLOAD PICS LATER!!! I LOVEEEE IT!!

It Din Turn Out Da Way I Tot It Will Be

2006-12-19T00:24:00.000+08:00

Today, is/was? can't decide which one to use.. anyway.. my Bdae... It started out well... and fun.. I had a pedi.. I spent time with my close gal pals... (shoutout to Arfah and Linda!!) Thanks babes.. You made my day.. Went shopping and loved getting bdae greetings the entire day... Bottom line the first part of my day went nice, well, fun, the way I tik I want my Bdae to turn out..

When I got home.. Haiz.. It's not what I thought it would be (I love the thought and care my brothers put into my presents...THo' they drive me insane, I tik I love them lots..No I don't think.. I do..) Anyway.. It's a family tradition to have bdae dinner together..and whereever it is.. It's always full of laughter and fun..But not this time for me... Mum was still in office at 8.30 p.m. so we went late..and Dad spent time in the golf course... And what I just couldn't stand it was when dad apologised for not being able to get me a present tho' he had the intention to cos he was busy.. Blardy F**ing hell..You had the time to play golf..Three holes at that..and you stopped cos of the rain... PLs lah.. I can't stand it when people give stupid excuses.. Dun want to do say so... It's about the effort man.. Whatever lah... ANd I cld see that he also like so tired at first and can't be bothered... So anyway, mum came late..sat down, asked me a qn and before I cld answer prop...dunno what lah she turned her attention to something else..Yesh I get it that she is busy and have a lot of work commitments but pls lah jus put it asider... Pet Peeve... If you ask me a qn..WAIT for me to ans..If you didnt want my ans to begin with, don't ask... Was so glad that Arfah was messaging me during dinner..I was so disappointed and angry.. I just kept quiet..So my dad asked me what are my plans with my friends and also what I did today..and he was like..wah they spent so much time with you..OKies lah I was so pissed I became sarcastic and said.."well, we can choose our friends, I wldnt want to spend time with ppl who didn't think I mattered or put the time". I kept quiet after that..and he tried to make short conversation.. Whatever lah.. And so I tik he cld sense that I was pissed lah.. Pls lah I am seldom sarcastic..but here I was so sarcastic and quiet.. So anyway, we went for dessert. ANd guess what Mum was all "oh... I am so tired blah blah blah.....But we went anyway.. Mum actually slept while Dad and Brother waited in line.. Wah kao.. Ok lor fine you don't want to talk and you want to show how tired you are..fine... I can't be bothered. And Mum went all like..oh no I don't want this I don't want that..It pissed Dad...and I was trying so hard okies not to burst out crying and just walk out of the dinner. .. it was the most horrid experience.... PLs lah if you are really tired..and don't want to put in the effort..then Don't.. Seriously... Crap... I didn't even bother to cut the cake lah.. Darrn it..I wun even touch it..Call it being petty..What the Hell.. I am entitled to being angry too.. Whatever lah.. But for the sake of my brothers and father I just tried to joke and all.. Guess what..I got so sad at home when my mum took this card that she bought but had not even written anything in it..PLs lah..Can't even spend some time is it ?? Is that all that I am worth.. I can't stand it.. I always have to put up the happy brave front and comfort everyone at home.. Yesh I admit I am lucky..But ppl don't see the effort that I put in.. And seriously, My family esp my parents have been taking me for granted.. Yesh its true..my mum wld sometimes msg me telling me what a wonderful daugther I am..blah..blah..to me..talk is cheap.. If anyone realli know me.. They wld know I dun reli care for presents..at the end of the day, spending QUALITY time with ppl I love and ppl who matter to me..that is what i crave for and want.. Maybe for some one bdae (My parents) I sld jus not bother..But I don't have the heart to do that.. Arrghh..Tommorrow wld be a better day.. Mum went .. oh tom, we do something, I pass you belated present. I just went...No, I spending time with my SW friends. FULL STOP. and I looked away.. WHATEVER!! I can't stand not being treasured... Arrghh..Not with money and all.. But seriously with heartfelt, sincere attention.

May tommorrow be a beter day.. I starting work!!! and I am 23 now

Being SHamelESS

2006-12-11T18:11:00.000+08:00

MY BDAE IS COMING!!! Since so many people have asked me what I want.. I shall be shameless and write it down... Hahahha.. PLs..Silakan.. Select from the wide array of choices and make me happy...hahahhaa...... Seriously.. WHen I start to think about what I want for bdae.. I realised that I am so lucky...I have everything I need and most of what I want..Alhamdulilah... But nevertheless.. I shall sound like a spoiled brat...and my wishes are below...

1. A meal /coffee with my friends to just catch up

2. Dior charm-bracelet gloss

3. Bvlgari Perfume - Rose

4. Clinique Happy Heart

5. A make up set - with the works of lip gloss, blusher, eye shadow... Lancome/Mac/Dior/Estee
Lauder

6. Handphone Bracelet Strap from Coach - Pink Colour Pluuuzz (all Liling's fault I love her handphone strap)

7. Voucher from Dorothy Perkins / Metro / Marks & Spencer - So I can Shop for FREE!!!

~~~~ hehehe Shameless Firdawati signing out!!! :)

I LURRVE IT

2006-12-11T02:49:00.000+08:00

I AM ON A LONG HOL AND I LOVE IT.. FROM 11 - 18 DEC... I GOIN TO KL FROM 13-17 DEC.. sadly mum cant go with us till later.. But I jus love the fact I can chill... oh goodness... And today on Sun nite.. I jus spent the nite chatting to Edleen and I love it.. And we were up to juvenile stuff and I love it.. I jus love the fact that I didn't need to think.. I spent the time watching MTV..and E...ahhh.. I lUURvvvee It... :) Happy rite now...

Crossing fingers that Mum will be alright and come up victorious! Insya Allah...

Erik Erikson

2006-11-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

I was driving and listening to the radio... Then it dawned on me.. Damn I feel lonely... Don't get me wrong it is not that I am not thankful for what I have... Truth be told I think I do take things for granted at times but I am thankful for what I have.. Even though I gripe ever so often nowadays.

Anyway, back to the driving.. Guess what comes to my mind.. K let's see who I can call when I just feel like talking... SO I dialed a few numbers. Guess what...those ppl whom I tot wld not answer my call did and those I really tot would answer my call didn't... Not that I blame them lah cos I know that everyone got their own things to handle...

Ok let's detour again to what I was thinking.. So after I make the phone calls, I really thought about Erik Erikson's developmental theory... I am currently at the stage where I either find intimacy or isolation... While I don't entirely agree... I think Mr Erikson is rite ey... Cos I do find myself feeling lonely at times... And I do yearn for that special someone I can share milestones with, can talk with, someone who can really understand me and not judge me... hahhaa But I know that at this stage, I am grappling with the transition from work to school and finding out who I really am... Haiz.. But somehow I wonder.. Ok..then... I started to think of a pretty old old boy band - CODE RED... hahhaa... The good old secondary school times where I would yack on the phone for hours with so many many different people and did not feel lonely but oh so popular and wanted.. Ok back to CODE RED.. I thought about the song --- Is there someone out there, someone who cares for me, someone through the good and bad times too, is there someone out there, is it you? Sometimes I wonder, did I make the right decision to let him go? But I know I did.. cos that is me thinking when I am utterly lonely and it's neither fair to him nor good for me..

Life goes on.. My collegue who has become a friend to me said, TOmmorrow comes and tommorrow would be a better day... Insya Allah, God Willing, Tommorrow will be a better day..
Okies Now I feel good and sleepy... Weee...

Mood Swings

2006-11-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

I have been soooo utterly sensitive recently... dunno why.. a lil' bit and I tell you I burst.. Cld it be that I hold it in while working with my client? I also dunno.. I do admire some people who reali do their work cognitively... Maybe like wat my mum say.. I think too much causing trouble for myself..Haiz... Haiz.. But I dun tik things are terribly horrid.. It's also how I manage my cases and I manage myself.. trial and error.. trial and error..

Light at the end of the tunnel

2006-11-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

Friday, 17 Nov 2006... was a real real surprised shocking day for me.. It was the day I cried and I mean really really cried in front of my Assistant Director, Manager and Assistant Manager.. I tik it shocked people outside the room.... My court case went soo wrong... But I was so glad that my management really came through for me.. they allowed me to vent... gave me the half day off and told me and reiterated that the decision was not mine alone... SO many more encouraging words from them...

I was so stressed today... of where to go ahead from Friday... I made the hard decision of calling the client's aunt.. and I am glad I did.. I tik things work in many different ways.. and all I can say is that the help the person should have received..the person is finally receiving..

Slowly.. after riding this huge hump... I think I have grown... And I am extremely glad for the support of the management.. because I think people not in the job would not be able to understand the nature of the job, however they try to be supportive..

Right now, I am just trying very hard to remain and be as good a worker as I can.. and holding on to the belief "There is a Light at the end of the tunnel"...

Riding the humps

2006-11-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

Right now, exactly at this point in time, I am heaving a sigh of relief. I was feeling real down and blue and I mean really down for the past 2 ~ 3 weeks... But I feel blessed that so many ppl came my way to support me.. Thanks... Sujeeta..thanks for listening and becoming my therapist that night.. It really helped.. Looking now at the Bright side of life! :)

Reflecting

2006-10-30T10:35:00.000+08:00

It's been a very long time since I last really sat down and reflected and really gave some space to myself. I have merely been doin things without really thinkingand at other times, I have only been procrastinating (which adds to the stress..cos of impeding deadlines). I haven been doing enough for the families I am working with. I really need to lean how to manage my own time so that I don't become so stressed. If I manage my time wisely, I will also be able to get more free time for myself wic is really important. I must learn how to do my work effectively and efficiently. No point procrastinating. Partialize things that needs to be done. And DO IT when it needs to be done without procrastinating. Do it well so that I won't ned to waste my time doing corrections.
I need to also learn not to be too tough on myself. Need to give myself time to adapt and learn. At the end of the day, I need to remember that work will never end. But just give your best and no regrets. Tommorrow shall be a better day and a new start :)

I also think that I haven treated / considered myself well and in a way, it affects my confidence. The increase in my weight (oh yesh Seriee...it has sky rocketed) is affecting me. But I think I have become less proactive these days. Gone are the days where I would get off my bum and do something about it. But it/s not the end as yet. Life is a continuous journey.

Lately, dunno why I am feeling rather lonely in all these busy-NESS. Sounds like an oxy-moron but it's truly how I feel at certain points of the day. How do I solve this problem? It's a nagging feeling at times which sometimes drive me mad.

I think i also haven taken stock of the good things that have happened in my life and allowing the negative thoughts to get to me. I shall learn how to live with life's OKs. I dun need the high highs to feel wonderful. I shall learn how to be contented with the simple, day to day adventures and beauty that life brings me. This does not mean I am settling. Or Does it??? Adulthood and work, is really making me question and tampering my idealistic beliefs.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD FIRDAWATI!!!

Things Change

2006-09-22T18:42:00.000+08:00

I think everything changes,
Things will ride out
And everything will pass it's time..
Dunno why..But somehow..The friendship feels similar
But It Aint No longer the Same..
I dunno if It's just me
Or a natural progression of life..
But I tik I've tried..
Or perhaps..It's cause I am going thro a different type of line
and they still share the same path..

Today's meeting just felt different.
Dunno if it's me
Or it's just that they were tired..

Oh well..

3 months coming..I am still learning

2006-09-10T18:01:00.000+08:00

Next Tue, 12 Sep 2006 will mark my 3rd month at work..and seriously... there are sooo many times when I feel that I am still grappling..times when I feel like I am shouting out loud..my cases are starting to be more colourful than they are supposed to be..but Alhamdulilah..still can manage..I have to count my blessings cos' there are few ppl in the office who are really goin out of their way to help me and make me feel good at work..

This job is proving to be such a great learning experience..I am learning about other ppl's values, learning how to be more empathetic to other ppl, and most importantly, learning more about myself..

Btw... donno why but suddenly...or for the past 2 days.. I just feel like I wanna fall in love.. Kwang kwang kwang..Is it the stress or the pms?? Bah!

Worrying too much

2006-09-03T16:24:00.000+08:00

Rite..where shall I begin?? It's sunday.. The rest week... and I think I might be down with something... I dunno why but I am feeling a bit tired this past week.. I just woke up after eating panadols... Worse, I slipped and fell 4 steps... landed myself on the first floor..cos' I tripped on something I was carrying.. So now my back is real sore and the sole of my left foot hurts cos I stepped on the hanger while falling down.. Blarrgh!!

Anyways... I don't really know why but I start finding myself worrying too much. This is such an irony since I have been telling so many of my friends not to worry so much la..dis la..and well the list goes on... And what have I been worrying about?? Well I shall put a list up later.. Not really sure if its consequential or non-consequential stuff... I worry about whether my work is good enough, whether ppl in the office find me ok, whether I am rubbing people the wrong way, whether I have been too loud in the office, whether the decisions the team made and I later carry out are ok, whether the parents and my client like me, whether I am good enough for the job, or whether I am doing enough for my clients..and the list goes on.. Am I PMSing?? I really don't know and I don't think so. It could be that the workload is increasing and I could be starting to feel the pressure.. Whatever it is..I hope I get the strength to go on..and do the best for my clients..

Oh, and today as I was worrying about being worried..I came across this short clip.. so apt I must say... Worrying too much about how others perceive you could hold up your progress considerably. You can't let popular opinion shape your decisions -- it may seem like an easy way out, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you desire and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your ideals.

Well..what can I say.. I can be a worry-wot lah.. I shall go now..start doing the ammendments for my report which I didn't do yesterday cos' I wasn't feeling too good..

Over 2 months of work!!!

2006-08-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

Goodness...I just can't believe it...It has been 2 months since I started working... Time really passes by very quickly.... Haiz...

Well for me, working life has been good.... So far so good... I enjoy what I am doing.. The pace is fast, but I find it pretty exciting and there are some nice people there... Well apparently, there is office politics, but I haven't found myself in any...and I don't think I want to be part of any either.. Then again.. there have always been politics since the day I entered kindergarten.. I don't like you.. You are my best friend.. I am in the same group as..etc.. and the list goes on.. But I am rather thankful that the politics where I am working is not so pronounced.. Either that or I am a pretty blur sotong... (what's new right??)... People have come up and tell me not to be too naive..and that my way of thinking is a bit too idealistic and might not work.. But then..As I told Ephraim before, I rather get some occasional knocks in life...than to lead my life not trusting anyone... But now..being an adult..I do think a bit lah before I say anything.. I also wanna minimise trouble.. Am I contradicting myself?? Well life's a contradiction anyways...

Oh Sugeeta dear.. I haven't updated by blog..not cos' it has died but laziness lah dear.. So glad you lefta comment.. so ..will I see you in school on Wednesday?? For the social work gathering. cum send of party??

Oh..ok let's go back to working life *stream of conciousness approach*..Working life is swell.. I like the fact that my parents no longer treat me like a little kid and I feel like I have spread my wings and am flying.. (Mariah Carey Song in my brain...Spread your wings and prepare to fly..for you and me become a butterfly...oh oh..fly up to the sky..)... Feels good that I no longer feel like I need to prove something to them.. And in a way..I am feeling sooo free, in terms of spirit..that I have ever felt before.. I just feel that I don't have to prove anything to anyone..I only have to prove something to myself..Best!!! And the fact that I am not attached.. I feel so free seh.. different days, meet different groups of friends, not having to think of another person.. Goodness.. But me and Rachel have a secret plan..shall see when it happens..then I shall blog about it..

Oh yeah.. tho' life is... well..good now, there are some things which gets to me.. and I really wanna thank my dear frens who allow me to rant and rave and still love me, and enable me to project a sane image of myself to the world!! Love you Mushi *the phonecalls are wonderful.. Arfah and Non..for the makan time.. Racheal..nice lunch break gal.. Liling & JT for the suppers...

Till next time..It ain't goodbye...More like see you soon!!!

CONVOCATION

2006-08-07T15:51:00.000+08:00

PICTURES GALORE....

Nice?? Well I didn't put names lah given that there are so many pictures..But one thing is for sure.. I am in every one of them!!! Gerek!! Best...
Well.. I have been wanting to put up these pictures for ages..But tiredness, laziness and just sheer well procrastination have prevented me from doing so.. I still got so many which I didn't upload..it takes a blarddy long time..

Well..I am enjoying working life.. It's different from schooling life.. But the fact that I don't get so much 'me' time and enjoy the company of my friends ever so often do get to me sometimes.. But I know my frens are there if I need them.. Thank you you darlings.. I shall make the effort to at least see you or catch up with the happenings of your life.. PLEASE PLEASE ok.. don't be a stranger just cos' you don't see me around anymore..

TIll the next time.. Love you people..miss you all so much..and yesh..responsibility and adulthood ain't a piece of cake....

2 Weeks of Work ~ and 3 is coming soon

2006-06-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it..really can't belive it.. Time has passed by soooo fast.. I remembered the 1st day.. i was feeling rather apprehensive..new milestone what rite.. so thankful that Edleen talked to me and pscyh me up for an hour..a whole hour you know..and she was at work too herself...then I got home.. and I dunno why but I felt like crying..dunno why also.. so yeah..called Mushi..who gave me a prep talk.. wonderful.. I got the I can do it.. Perhaps it was cos I was alone.. it was a new place..dunno huh.. Then on wednesday.. I met my darlings from social work.. Best fren and Liling..in Toa Payoh..who further psych me up.. telling me that they have faith in me.. I just feel so lucky..so so lucky.. I got wonderful frens who are jus there..Not forgetting the many frens who sms me telling me to have a great day.. to enjoy my new working experience..and that they have faith in my capabilities..thanks yeah..Arfah, Andrea, Nornie, Arafah..etc..

And so.. time has passed by so so fast.. And I am kinda getting used to the whole idea of work.. it's different from studying..but it is fun in it's own right..

Btw..I got my graduation gown already.. so nice..exciting man.. haiz..can't wait!!! Rite now.. I am really blessed..Life is alright..It's just perfect..with only minor irritations along the way... as the McDonalds commercial would say..."I'm Loving It!"

Almost the end of the week

2006-06-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

I really had a nice time today.. Started the morning takin my photo.. After which I met Mushi in Payar Lebar... Nope I didn't drive and hence didn't get lost... Farnie thing happen .. I dropped my clam chowder onto Mushi's socks.. hahhahaa.. shall put up the pic of that soon..

On to my holiday in Bali...I had a very good time.. Unadulterated free time with my family.. I swam, went to visit the mountains (kintamani).. had some delicious food.. and well it's back to home..

Will be starting work on Monday.. First day of work.. since it's the first day of work.. dad said that he will send me so that I will not be late.. Haiz..I dun think I will be driving to work for some time.. Dun have parking subsidy (transponder) I think... to park there for 6-7 hrs while working.. wah how much will that cost..hum.. gotto find that one out.. humm.. dunno why but there are times that I feel very scared about starting work.. will I like it there? can I manage? I guess the questions are very natural since working will be a new experience..

Oh.. and cleaning my room.. it ain't so bad now.. but it is still messy.. dunno why lah but I just hate cleaning oh so much!!! and I have this very bad tendency of not throwing things away... like karang guni.. everything also I wanna keep..

Ice Skatin... Fun & Cool Thursday

2006-06-02T17:46:00.000+08:00

(Andrea posing) (Arfah, me and Nornie... Shaky photo courtesy of Andrea)

Well... Thursday was soooo SUPER fun.. Many many thanks to my ultra 'on' friends Andrea, Arfah and Nornie who followed me ice-skating...I've been wanting to do that for such a long time.. and I finally got to do it yesterday..Well.. ANdrea chickened out after 1 hr of ice-skating cos she fell...(hey..it's just ONE time babe)...me and Nornie hit a collision course with each other cos' I wanted to fulfill Arfah's trilogy twirling fantasy (u gotto be there to understand it).. Besides that..we went for lunch..had kaya toast...yack yack and yack some more..

MY FREN ARFAH

2006-05-31T19:50:00.000+08:00

This entry is exclusively for my darling, true, good friend ARFAH! Arfah my dear friend, I can't believe that you didn't think that I do not consider you as a true friend just because I didn't put your name up on my previous post of 'true friends'... My entries are all written on a whim..and since there are times when I tend to suffer from memory loss... Any subtractions should be taken with a pinch of salt...So for all and especially you to see... I do OF COURSE consider you as a true and good friend.. Harlow..You are the one I can rant, rant and rave to in any situations..and who allow me to make fun of your singing without taking offence!!! Best per..Mana Boleh Cari Seh Kawan Macam Gini!!

So yeah ARFAH...enjoy the post..Hope this makes your day..I got pictures of you, one from the back, front and side!! Amacam?? Made your day?? (KISSIES)

I learnt...

2006-05-30T22:04:00.000+08:00

I learnt so much from today... Thank you Arafah for allowing me to be the 'silent watcher'!!! food was yummy and catching up was brilliant!!!

What I saw today reali striked me! If I ever, ever, ever get so 'oh-I-am-So-High-And-mighty', arrogant or even irritating (above my usual tolerant level), my darling frens, please point it out to me, and pull me down to earth.. If ever I do change (cos' I know I ain't perfect) PLS PLS let it only be for the better...

Can't wait ... This whole week booked with activities ... Fun FUn FUn!!!

Very Blessed

2006-05-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

I am thankful. Feeling realli blessed rite now... Seriously. Results are out today... Fought tooth and nail.. studied so hard and gave my all studying. Alhamdulilah.. managed to raise my cap..enough to get me the class of honours I want. I am real thankful.

I learnt so much this semester..I learnt to let go of something that failed.. I learnt what true friendship is.. I made new friends...I got closer to Mushi in one semester knowing so much more about her on a deeper level in one sem than I had did in all the previous years I had knew her combined (loves that babe)... Love you Arafah for forcing me to go to the job interview.. always motivating me even when you got your own issues to handle.. I got in touch with myself again.. stopped blaming.. and realising there ain't any point in blaming..the person moved on..and so should I....I love studyin till late nite with MUSHI, YANI...and Oyeah who COP me place in library... A fren who told me to have faith and believe in my own capabilities..another .. now a best fren in social work telling me to "mai kia" whenever I am a kancheong spider!

I love the fact that life is just beginning... In a way, there is a tinge of regret for missed opportunities..But i believe that everything happens for a reason..It could be worst..I am on a high right now.. I am seeing the world in terms of opportunities and possibilities. Alhamdulilah...

Thankful

2006-05-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

I AM VERY THANKFUL!

I HOPE THIS IS THE RIGHT PATH FOR ME!

I LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN ME AND TELL ME TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

THANK U!

I realised

2006-05-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

I realised that when one looks at a world in a particular tinted lense.. the rest of the world cannot change the way they perceive things... I know that everyone of us have our own tinted lenses by which we view the world... It's just human nature...I really hope that even with my particular tinted lense..I will be able to treat people rather fairly...I will not be so blind..and I can just well..be fair.. Today..I have witnessed how someone, can just be somewhere..words saying something else and yet feeling something else..Incongruency as counselling would call it.. But from my part..It doesn't really feel particularly good..to be the one there and yet.. the other person keep on asking and asking for someone else.. Seriously...I can't even imagine how it was or is for my mum and aunts for that matter... humm... On a side note, I realised I am so blessed.. I am very thankful...Thanks for the kind words of dear friends..

Gotto do some stuff now!!

Ps/ Andrea I think it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO brave of you to go dentist immediately...here coming from a girl who sorta cried in the dentist chair.. I was 22 mind you!! But I don't care..dentist are scary!!

Pondering...

2006-05-14T00:38:00.000+08:00

Note: I am not depressed, or anxious or feeling in the pits.. These are merely thoughts I had after the post-dinner discussion I had with Dad and Mum.

It just dawned on me how I have been able to engage in rather grown-up discussions with Mum and Dad.. and how, they do see me as an adult now.. and while I like it, it scares me on some front...It scares me when mum reminds me how I should try to be trifty for my own future, how if anything should happen to them, they really hope I will be responsible for my lilest bro (duh!! I will)..but my mum then brought the whole topic about 'changing circumstances' and how.. a change in circumstances can result in one changing one's attitudes, behaviour and basic principles.. I really pray to Allah, that I will not change my attitudes, behaviour and basic principles. And, IF I do, it will only be for the better and not for worst. I really hope that Money will not cause a negative change in me or the people that I love.. because I have learnt that money, both the lack or the sudden gain of it, can bring out both the worst, and the best in people...I pray that I have the strength to bring out the best in myself. It scares me.. it scares me so much..

On another note, my parents remind me..not to spend so much, not to compare with what my friends have ... yeash... I know I do raise about the fact how some frens of mine waste money like water.. and I got a strict budget actually (contracy to popular perceptions) and I have to explain and account for the money I use.. though some how I wished it were different, I like it..because it allows me to remain rooted on the ground.. and allows me to understand the value of money (though I can get quite out of hand sometimes)...

On another, another note... I am rather scared because.. I feel this sense of aimlessness at times. This feeling that I am floating..floating, floating and I don't know where I am going or where I am heading.. I really do not merely want to depend on my parents alone.. The thought of dependency scares me.. I really don't like to depend on anyone actually.. Why?? I think it is due to this inner subconscious of mine.. If you don't depend or expect, you minimise your chances of getting hurt.. you don't expect people to be there for you.. so .. these people can't fail you.. humm.. It just has worked very well for me.. So if my parents are busy, I can handle it alone.. and even be there for my brothers. If my friends are too busy, I can handle things alone and issues are cool.. and If I can't depend on my classmates or anyone for that matter, it doesn't or will not surprise me that people don't keep to their words.. An in-built mechanism you might say.. Perhaps it is..Perhaps it is.. Is it good?? I don't really know.. Sometimes, it can make me really dominating, and I fear to just let go.. and chill.. and truly trust.... humm...

Oh yeah.. and I realised, my worst-est pet peeve is people who are INSINCERE!!! arrghhh!! I hate it... TRULY TRULY hate it.. PLs lah huh.. I think the best lesson anyone can ever learn is that they are not competing with anyone but themself!!! Learnt that lesson.. ANd only after a person learns that lesson, can they be happy for another person's achievement and not poke fun or poke sarcasm, or act worried... ACT!!!

I learnt that my mum can be freaking sarcastic.. and that lady... deserves it.. though I must admit it is rather tough..hahhahaa... I bet she is shocked and probably talking about my mum.. BAH! what else is new.. GOOOOO MUM!! I lurve it that my mum can be sarcastic for me!!! oh yeah I learnt that when people are mean, they should be put into their place..

On another, another, another note..After helping to prepare for sooo many weddings, my mum keeps on talking what she will do when I get married.. isn't it scary.. my mum is preparing for my not-even-in-the-near-future wedding..I am not even doing that.. ARGGHH.. she plans for what she wants to serve and how many ppl she wants to invite....hahha I dun realli care what she wants to serve.. as long as it's in pink I am happy..... and the guests come in pink, white, or maroon..

On another, another, another, another note.. ppl have been asking my mum whether I am attached.. and whether I finished schooling (**the do you mind if I pair her with someone I know leading qn)...So I got used to it.. and after discussing it with her.. she says, that I am not.. and that I have just finished schooling and if I am still not attached by 28, she is allowed (by me) to pick a few suitors for me to choose from... see... everyone is happy.. Call me old fashion but I truly believe that my parents (and most parents) want the best for their children..that leaves me...5 years to find a partner...hahhahaha by myself..shessh.. I am getting on in years.. suddenly 28 doesn't seem so far..... But i guess its cool though. I told my mum what I want in a man.. and she herself thinks my standards are way too high.. hahhahahahahaa but she agrees with them... So ... what do I want in a man??

SELF ASSUAREDNESS

- when I mean self assuaredness, I do not mean the 'oh-so-cocky' I got my nose in the air kinda man.. Blurrghh.. Arrogant man turns me off.. I want a Man who is silently confident..He doesn't feel like he needs to prove anything to anyone but only to himself.

- Naturally, a man who is self assuared, would be able to handle opposing opinions, he wouldn't need to guard his territory (in all sense of the word). He wouldn't find the need to diss anyone just because their ideas or opinions are different and he will still find the strength in him to continue with his ideas with full vigor even when the rest of the world doesnt believe him.. not beause of anything else but because he knows he is doing what is right..

- A self assuared Man, would also be capable and able to respect me.. Respect me as a lady, ad a person..and most importantly, respect me as a Partner.. No double standard (in the sense that he can do something while I can), he won't ask me to put my dreams on hold just to fulfill his..and he will push me and allow me to fly and succeed..

- the best part about a self-assuared Man?? He can trust me..and he will trust me.. because he is so comfortable with himself..and he knows that while I can be away.. at the end of the day, I have chose him and love him for what he is..

A simple trait/behaviour/personality...not so.. It is very very very hard to find a Man who is truly self assuared.. yesh, I do agree we have our moments of self-doubt..who doesn't?? But on the whole..he is self-assuared..most of the time..and the times he is filled with self-doubt, I will then nurse his ego....

Swoonz!!! hahhaha... Is there such a Man out there??? oh btw.. the saying that your other half or your loved one is just round the corner, is truly dumb... and if it is true.. and you know where my other half is.. can you pls tell him to either 1) come out of the corner and say hi to me 2) tell me where he is..so that I can say hi to him..and tell him to quit standing in the corner..

Now i sound like a lovelorn person.. oh well.. my blog is supposed to be written on a whim anyway.. FUN!

I'm LOVING It

2006-05-08T14:08:00.000+08:00

It's been really swell post-exams.. I have never spent so much time (really free, unadultarated-i am not thinking of some other things) with my family... and of course when I mean family, it means people who matter (there are some people who unfortunately are by blood related to me, but I dun realli have any affections for them)... Anyway.... Friday started well.. I had lunch/brunch with Mushi .. We had soooo much Japanese food.. and obviously after spending so much money, I got broke.. hahah and Mushi too.. so next time I go out, I will need to eat Long John; no upsize... Blah... I need cash man... Wld probably do some "Last Min" English Tuition stint.. hahaha can charge a lot for that... Oh yeah... I saw this reallliiiiii nice black stileto (covered) with small dimonte on it.. real georgeous I tell you.. Oh so ..Swooonz kind of georgeous... I LIKE LIKE... But it's 60+ so yeah.. rite now, It's way above my budget.. Anyway Mushi.. Thanks so much for spending nice and quality time with me!! It's so sweet to be studying together and then enjoying the end of the exams together.. gEREK!! :)

Saturday, was another swell day.. Started with brunch/lunch (ok.. so you can see that I can't wake up before 11.. I just can't get out of the bed!! Dunno why.. Perhaps gravity is strongest in the morning?? That's a theory??) at Lot One with Wak Oyah (her real name I dun reali know), Sandrin, my Nonoi, Kak Ikin and her family and my grandparents.. Was real nice I tell you.. Quite fun to start the first meal with so much people, so much food and so much laughter.. After lunch we went to go 'sightseeing' for house for my Nonoi.. and after that.. went back to my place for more hot gossip, yacking, eating, drinking coffee, tea, ribena... talk talk talk.. and then in the later part of the afternoon, we all went to BOWLING... hey, i realised I aint that bad at it.. Dun go into Lonkang ever so often man!! Brilliant! After bowling went back home to Indian food (Mum had pre-called Indian food to be sent over).. we had tulang, mee, mutton chop... yummy.. and then after tat we yaked and yaked some more.. Well... that was real real nice!!!

Sunday.. was another day I spent quality time with my mother.. Went out early with her.. and we made a stopover to shop a little bit (her more than me!) and then we went to pick up my little brother from swimming..after which, we went back, had lunch.. and I taught my brother a little English.. This lil' Peep Squeek is so lazy i tell you!! It's amazing!! Just spend time talking talking after that, watch TV.. and then mum and dad went out to get dinner for us.... then went home and we chat over dinner..

In short, I LURRVVVBBBEEE it, I love spending time with people who make me feel happy... I love spending time with all these marvelous people over the weekend.. Let's do it soon.. :) I love the fact that my mum feels happy spending time with her family.. And tonite..going to send my Auntie off... I've never realli spent so much time with her, and yet, I feel that somehow, I've known her for so long..

On another note.. My brain cells have been hibernating for a bit too long.. they ain't here anymore.. Amacam ni??!! hahah But I can't wait to go out...later.. with my F A M I L Y!!
And then on wednesday I got a social work gathering.. Yeah!! That should be fun...

Que` Sera Sera

2006-05-04T19:00:00.000+08:00

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me,
Que Sera' Sera
Whatever will be will be,
The future's for us to see,
Que Sera' Sera
What will be
WILL BE.

Thank you very much to the many words of inspiration.
Thank you Mushi for taking time out from your studyin.. We pig out soon.. And also to my cuz who I was screaming and shouting my lungs out to.
Today, I think, was not a good day.

Humm.. that said and done,
Crossing my fingers, toes and everything I have.
Right now, I need an epiphany... hahhahaa Need to go to Mr Eph..

BYE BYE

2006-05-02T23:34:00.000+08:00

NA NA NA NA .. NA NA NA NA.. HEY HEY HEY GOOD BYE... NA NA NA NA..NA NA NA NA.. HEY HEY HEY GOOD BYE!!!

Turkey

2006-04-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

I think I am a TURKEY!! Yeah that is what I consider myself.. A turkey.. Why? I know what I am supposed to do.. But i decide not to face it.. I dunno why.. But i am reallllliiiii lazy ok this semester in studying for my exams.. Oh goodness. and Then what happen?? I panic.. I distract myself ... I panic... and finally ok.. i get started.. But alhamdulilah.. I have been reali lucky that I get that spark at the 11th hour.. Super the lucky..

Ok and on the exams itself.. I haven been able to properly complete ANY of my exam paper lah.. Every single paper i sat not finish!! Arrghh!! Why why why?? WHere is my bloody time management lah.. Wat the crappy gading ding.. Shitty fied man... For my crisis rite.. I did not complete lah.. For my gender I didnt complete (but this one not so bad..) and then for my mental health today... TOOOOOtaly bad time management ... I left my compulsory qn for later (worth 40 marks by the way) and I only attempted it at the last 30 mins.. Arrghh.. Briliant lah not finished again!!

Ok... So have I learnt my lesson?? No I still think I am a turkey lah.. I got geron paper on Tue which I haven started at all.. and I onli got a freaking B can for my CA.. B... aaggh!! And looking at the things i need to do.. Lagi make me feel like a turkey.. So much to do!! Anyone feeling hungry.. I know it ain't christmas yet.. But anyone wanna slaughter me??

Arafah.. kick my ass again pls.. cos after you told me to study i actually did.. hahhaa :)

(**thinking.. what sound does a turkey make?** Plonk Plonk? Bloog bog bog??)
Agghh I need to get started.. I need to get started.. Kenape ni Firdawati ?? WHy why why?? U siao ah?

Worry Wot

2006-04-27T18:57:00.000+08:00

Seriously I tik i am a worry wot!! I am such such such such a worry wot la.. But I am very very thankful that the people around me are very kind and understanding of the fact that I do get very 'kancheong spider' at times.. But truth be told.. I just externalise my worry cos' I dun like to keep things in my system.. So after running around like a 'headless chicken', I am ok.. Haiz.. hahahhaa But I got to stop doin that and get a grip on things.. Tommorrow is my mental health paper.. I am not that confident of it tho' but i need to get my tot's together and try to do my best....

;)

2006-04-26T19:32:00.000+08:00

Will make it a short entry cos' I actually need to study... The retail therapy was soooo therapeutic!! hahha It lasted for onli 20 mins but oh my goodness.. the feeling of buying something then paying... Oh wow.. especially if it's make-up!! I bought a new mascara and design face colour.. hahah i wanted a highlighter n bronzer all in one and this fits perfectly well.. But yeah I am soooo super broke!

Yeah!!! Things are going well.. I am soooo thankful for the supportive people around me.. and something clicked in my head which my mum said to me long time ago...'Only your parents and the people who truly care can be truly happy for your success'.. How true..

Alhamdulilah!

Paradox

2006-04-22T13:36:00.000+08:00

PARADOX OF CONTRADICTION!
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!
FEELING RATHER GOOD ABOUT MYSELF RITE NOW
THERE IS REALLY A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.. IT'S JUST WHETHER YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT AND STRIVE HARD ENOUGH TO GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT!!

oh yeah.. I was bored.. played wrestling with my brother, and i got punched in the abdomen.. it's sore now.. By the same brother who bite my arm in JC 2 till I was blue!! (we were playing Ultraman and raksasa) And I am still feeling sore in the abdomen now..

My fren DANNY

2006-04-19T02:54:00.000+08:00

My fren Danny doesn't like to smile.. He really doesn't. But he is a very nice guy once you get to know him... and what actually started out as a mere joke/request (yup that is rite Danny boy even if you didn't do it, it will still be ok), he did.. ahhaha and when I went to just check out his blog at 3.07.... to my surprise.. there is a smiling face of Danny!!!

DANNY boy, I AM VERY HONOURED!!!

ps/ you do look nice you know... Smiling can be an alernative to pensive!!!

SCARED

2006-04-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

I am SCARED!.. Yup... scared that is what I am.. I am scared becos' I really don't know where I am headed to after NUS.. I am scared because I don't want a job that I do just for the sake of money. I am scared because I think so many things have changed. I am scared because I feel that people I know have grown up in one way or another and a huge part of me want things to remain the way they have always been. I am scared because I want so much for myself. I am scared because I think that I have in a way become a very different person. I am scared because, well before J.C. no one really expected anything from me.. It was ok for me to do badly. ANd then from then on, everything seems possible. Before JC, I had NEVER dreamt of goin into uni .. never... it wasn't it my repertoire of speech even.. ever.. hais.. and now I am exitin from NUS soon.. As much as I am proud of myself, I just feel that the undergrad life has been fun.. and there is just so much more that I could have done that I didn't .. I feel like I wasted so much time I don't know doing what... I am scared.. Will there be friendships to be made in the 'real world'? Are people mean out there? Will I be able to keep the friendships that I have all these years with all my wonderful good friends of mine? Honours year also marked new friendships, and truth be told, I would have hoped to have the chance to meet all of you earlier.. But I am sure everything has it's own place and time. and well.. It's my time to get out of school, but where should I be heading to? Does anybody know? I sure don't. Oh yeah.. and I am scared that I will be lonely.. So yeah.. I AM SCARED!!

This song just came to my mind:

Mariah Carey's - Do you know where you're going to? Theme song from Mahagony

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

NO more excuses!!

2006-04-12T02:29:00.000+08:00

I realised that I have been giving myself way too much excuses for not doing work.. SEriously!! Way to much!! So much that I am getting sick with myself.. Yeah and it doesn't help that part of therapeutic writing forces me to re-read and re-write things in my past.. bluughh!! Seriously.. it works so much better for me not to look and deal with certain things.. Well.. you know for the most part.. I just think that I am making excuses for not working.. for sleeping .. and for being so freaking lazy!!! Really glad that my gal pals are there to study with me.. cop me a seat in school and then time check me by threatening that they won't have lunch with me for a whole week.. hahah Yeash Mushi and Yani.. this refers to you... and you know what.. I am such a stubborn stubborn person.. well.. everyone who knows me well enough can attest that.. and only I, me and myself can get my arse out of any situation if I put my mind at it.. And so.. Now, at 2.45 am.. I shall make a pact with myself.. I will stop being lazy.. I will not blame it on anyone or any past incidents.. blurghh.. (furthermore, this will help me to take a positive step and move on and be independdent).. and seriously try and get my act together.. enuf is enuf of procrastinating.. of what'ifs of how'-i'-wish... No more of all of that... Just do what I can.. the best that I can.. with what I can.. and Insya Allah.. the best results will come.. At least I know I made the effort and there is no regrets..

Okies.. and pls those of you studying with me.. Kick my ass (NOT LITERALLY!!) when I am procrastinating and being lazy pls!!!

Oh yEah ARAFAH!!! KITA BOLEH!!! :)

Good Day

2006-04-08T23:22:00.000+08:00

I managed to get thro and finish my essay.. it's not that good tho' cos I only did 16 pgs when she wanted us to do 25.. haiz.. But today was a good day..why? managed to get a different set of air. Was fun spending some time with the social work people during the outing for geron class. I was dozing off when the lady was giving her presentation.. I really hope she didnt catch it.. :) I can't remember when was the last time I really slept.. Rite now I craving to watch MTV.. yup that is rite.. MTV but my bro is watching his vcd so I goto wait will he sleeps. .. I spent some time with mum and dad and littlest bro.. and they enjoyed it.. Mum and Dad was real sweet.. I miss spending time with them and them with me.. I realised that Mum has a fear abou being institutionalized.. and that she wants to grow old in the context of the family.. cos whenever I talk about Old FOlks homes n the likes, she will tend to jus dismiss it away.. so today, I probed lah.. and she was like.. I not comfortable la hearing about these things.. So tommorrow I told mum I will have breakfast with her since Dad playing golf.. I feel so bad that I haven been spending time with the people I love.. and what makes me feel worst, is that they understand.. Arrgghh... I tik it's through the love of my family and close frens.. that I learn what support and care is about.. Unfortunately, no such luck wit my love life.. hahah ANy lonely souls out there needing a company?? I know I do.. at least in a romantic way.. But I know I not ready for commitment and the likes.. Have to get rid of my anger and resolve the issues first.. and be sure not to fall for the same type of guy?? or to act differently in a relationship?? entah.. sometimes I just think that I think too much!! hahaha
Oh yeah.. I reallly like talking to Dr Mehta about my ambitions and dreams.. she is so open about it and so unjudgmental.. Best nyer!!
My head is spinning now tho' time for me to sleep perhaps.. One more essay to go..
Feeling happy rite now and contended..
ps/any lonely souls out there?? hahahhaa.. I need a mate.. hahahha goodness I sound so desperate!

Finally

2006-04-06T06:07:00.000+08:00

Finally.. the ISM is completed.. I tried to make it as social work as possible.. That is all I can do.. Try my best.. Surprisingly I feel energised after finishing it... hahhha the irony!!!

Printing it out now at 6:07 a.m. I haven slept a wink. Got gender class at 10 am.. hahha

I am

2006-04-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

I am tired, mad, insane, feeling like my muscles no longer belong to me (if I had any), grateful to the many ppl who have helped me, full of self-belief and yet afraid of failing and thus haunted by self-doubt, I am.. well.. I am just me lah huh.. hahahaah so yeah.. hopefully.. everything goes on well.. I feel the adrenelin rush.. told mum that this wk and perhaps the next, there will be days I will come home very late.. Haiya need to conc and do work in school..

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY!

And in the words of best fren (a.k.a. JT) GAMBATTE!!! hahahha

Relief..

2006-04-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

Sigh of................... RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hard work paid off... Seriously.. Glad I decided to fight off the procrastination (tho' sometimes very late) and work my butt off.. I got back my crisis paper.. I got A (wooohooo!!) Alhamdulilah.. She asked me a qn tho..'why is your introduction much stronger than your conclusion?'.. DUH?!! Intro write first wat.. by the time I reach conclusion wanna pengsan already.. Haiyo!! Andd... Good news.. I guess me barging in into my sup office 3 times today .. and after which emailing him and calling him to read my ISM works... HE actually read it.. HAHHAHA yup yup he did.. Now i feel bad for not having faith in him.. Arrgghhh I am on such a high now.. Alhamdulilah.. I really feel very blessed rite now.. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.. and it ain't so dim anymore.. Wee!!

Two more essays to go.. One is social gerontology and the other mental health (hahah hopefully I won't be the mental one!) And I am so thankful to everyone who have helped me in one way or another .. in answering my surveys.. helping me with referral or even words of encouragement.. U know.. I learnt a very humbling lesson from honours.. We don't live alone.. We need help from ppl.. and you know.. I guess whoever said we don't live on an island is true!!

It's not over.. But I can see the light

2006-04-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

A Bearable Week

2006-03-31T15:16:00.000+08:00

The week is almost coming to an end... Sigh!! And.. the work is not done..

THis is how I looked... fresh rite.. before my FINAL presentation ever as an NUS student... wow WEE... yeah.. was dressed up seh.. But actually I was very blurrrrry.. hahahhaa ANyway... besides some questions from the lecturer.. I think it went swell..

Nice?? Taken with my brother Fadhli when we went out some weeks back!!! He's oh so grown up now!!! hahaha Can still remember him being little and we would go cycling together.. But whatever it is.. I still consider him to be my little brother. and forever think of him as 'little' hahaha and.. being such a good sister that I am.. there are days which I think my antics drive him insane.. But love him lots...

Well.. I am tryin to tie my ISM together and work on my analysis part before I start on my geron paper.. It will be a terribly busy week next week (in the background..some sports day going on..and I think its Fajar..My alma mater.. why? cos got Manta House I heard..and that was my house!! Not that I did anything lah)... Busy Busy Busy..

Oh on a side note.. Took a tiny-weeny break and watched the music video of Jason Mraz.. Geek in the Pink.. oh goodness he is such a drool la can!!! I mean no 1. He can wear pink!! no. 2. He is so cool lah.. I think there is nothing much cooler than a man who is so in touch and confident with who he is and doesn't need to adopt a particular image to boost his ego.. This is such a major major major bonus point.. SO going to get his album..well..when I have the time that is.. Jasan Mraz you pink geek.. Swooonnnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Makes me wonder tho.. Why do some guys then try so hard to be something they are not?? Blurrgghh.. Go Geeks!!! Oh yeah on another side note.. My littlest brother.. Is so refusing to wear his plastic glasses cos' some ppl in his class said he looks like a geek.. WTF.. bully my brother.. so I did a little cognitive refraiming.. hahah told him geeks are people too and that they are cool.. and that he looks nice wearing that glasses. SO he asked me.. But only my family thinks I am nice wearing this plastic glasses. So I replied but at the end of the day only your family and your very close friend's opinion matters.. Then he was like why? Because we all love you and we think you look good so only that should matter.. And he smiled can.. Wah.. hahaha so sweet kan... And he wore his plastic glasses to football practice today!! You go lah my litlle brat of a brother... hahahah and if any small malay puny mats wanna kacau him.. You get thro' me first ah.. I soooo.. will not allow anyone to pull the self-esteem down of my brother!!!

I think I am mad!!!!!!

2006-03-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

hahahah okok this is realli insane.. So here I am reading a book "Successful writing for qualitative researchers" by Peter Woods to get some idea on how to write up my ISM part.. I mean I dun realli have an idea cos previously I have always done quantitative research and single-subject group design (very the deng!! rite to try something new)... hahahaa

So anyway.. this guy very farnie lah.. I lurrve his quotes... wakkakaa

I think all writers of prose live in a state of induced insanity (J.G. Ballard)

I think I'm either frighteningly sane or incorrigibly mad (Iain Banks)

I can't thin kof any great writers who are sane (Phyllis Naggy)

and he goes on to say... "If we are to be successful writers, it seems we must be prepared to be a little insane"......

So am I going to be a successful write????? I am seriously a little insane now... hahahha

One down..

2006-03-27T11:20:00.000+08:00

Finished my crisis paper.. Hwhheepheyugh!! Sigh of relief.... will put that one out of my mind.. clueless rite now as of what to do for my geron paper.. arrghhh!!! Ideas??? Blank!!

Blargghhh!!!

2006-03-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

Bllarrghh!!! Yeah that is how I am feeling rite now. I am (*)#$)$( wasting my time rite now.. I have been.. doing stupid useless stuff.... I hate the fact that the papers I am handing up are not to my expectations.. Hate the fact that I didn't put in my best effort and hate the fact that I know all this and yet not doing something proactive about it.. What the blarrrddyy crap rite.. Shit lah.. I seriously think I have had enuf of the whole schooling life.. seriously.. I realli miss secondary school.. times when i didnt need to study.. since A levels till now.. I feel like a hamster running on the wheel which never stop.. Well.. as much as I have had good times.. I am really ready to go and look for new adventure and new stuff to keep me interested... hahahha and this is really off... but maybe falling in love or developing a crush will keep me interested in work.. if only i didnt put so much grey matter into developing a crush then any A,B,C will do.. wakakka okok I have vented enuf..and I feel like a mad woman.. and it's a wonder how rite now I feel like going back to my work.

And dear Arafah.. I love you lots.. And I appreciate how you can still think of me and get me a book so useful for me even though you got so much other issues to deal with in your life..

Oh yeah.. and I learnt that there are many different types of friends.. there are some ppl I am forcing myself to think only as 'happy' frens.. seriously.. they can't be bothered and they pretend to be bothered.. Peh!!! Harlow!!! Pe-gi-la!!

It has been good so far..

2006-03-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

Work is piling up.. but Alhamdulilah.. I am learning how to partialize it... and well so far.. its going good.. I need to 'up' it a little bit.. Minus my time procrastinating and doing well.. 'staring into space things'... It's amazing how long these things take... hahhaa..

So far...

1. Passed up the first draft of my lit review.. (need to do some changes)
2. Passed up my gender paper
3. Discussed with Dr Rowlands what I wanted to do for my crisis paper and she 'okeyed' it.. So things sld go on as planned and I will spend my weekend doing that.

Things left to be done..

1. Actually writing up the crisis paper.. (we all know how long that can take)
2. Having a concrete idea of what to write for my social geron paper
3. Writing up the WHOLE of my ISM!!!
4. My mental health paper

.... May my internal strength pull me through!!

an All inspiring day!!

2006-03-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

Nice the picture?? it's of me and darling Suj lah after our presentation on terrorism. dun play play leh it was 2 hr plus seh and we answered qns and all.. It was real fun lah esp since the whole episode is over.. hahhaa.. Anyway Suj, thanks for the pic.. I asked Suj today what it was like working with me.. and things that I can change to make working with me more pleasant.. and she gave very good insights!! going to go ask this other person she recommended me asking!! :)

and so.. I have so much things that are due.. and you know what I am not feeling so particularly stressed and I feel so energised..ok back to that later.. so what are the things that I have to hand up soon??

1. My oh-so-overdue ISM lit review!! Crap lah he goin to mark it straight away how can I not, not want to hand in??

2. My gender paper on life story interview by this thurs

3. My crisis paper by next monday

4. My gerontology paper

5. My full ISM paper

6. My mental health assignment and presentation..

Blurrgghh.. Many many things kan..

Well.. I bet a lot of ppl dun know lah but I have been feeling in the dumps lately and while its a mixture of things.. I think laziness and the lack of faith in myself have very important factors to play in this. So..I end up sleeping so much, procrastinating.. But you know.. after reading Arafah's blog and today spending 2 hrs interviewing my mum for my gender life story interview.. It's like I have a WHOLE new perspective on things.. Seriously I am at awe with my mum's tenacity.. I mean seriously... I use to just loathe the way she would force and pressure me to do things..but after listening to her life story.. I realised that I have very much misconstrue her actions.. It's not that she didn't like me the way I was or she was embarrased at how I was.. but that she saw in me so much possibilities.. that I could be so much more... and I feel suddenly like I should take life by the horns.. give the best that I can.. unlike her who didn't have anyone who believed in her (in her own words.. No one saw a value in me) I do.. I have her, and my father (tho' he wld nag and nag and scold, at the end of the day he is there for me.. when the stupid lady wanted to sue me and i had to go to the police station at 1 am in the morning..he was there even tho i tot he wldnt cos he was scolding me and lots more other stuff).. in a nut shell.. I have it good.. real good.. and if I don't make it in life.. to matter to ppl and to be someone useful in life.. seriously yeah fate has something to do with it..but i sld kick myself in the ass very hard cos' it's most prob my doing.. suddenly i feel that all my life I have been treading water.. and this is a lady.. who I have at one stage considered my enemy (harlow..remember Spice Girls..you used to be my enemy..I didnt mean to be so bad..) yeah.. is also the very one who had to work, study and struggle so hard. yesh she wasnt there when i was growing up. (so was my father for a period of 4 yrs..I am such a latchkey growing up).she was absent so much of the time and it was onli in the last 10 years that she was often around unless for business stuff and in the last 6 years that we were on good terms.. but never had I realised that she was absent for the family, for us.. and for me..to raise the standard of living of our family.. and thro it all.. she never felt the faith of her parents in her ... how horrible that must have been.. and yet she is still good to them.. and today i asked her.. so where do you find your strength?? and she said, Look at your inner strength. The strength is in yourself. You just have to find it. Never blame. Must learn to just move on. You must always have the fighting spirit. By the grace of God, things will change. Never look at what people have and be jealous, wish the best for people and just do your best..

yup..I have learnt so much.. can you believe it I was almost tearing doing the interview..and mum actually told the rest of the family during dinner time (cos I did it frm 2-4.30) when no one was around.. Maluating rite!! hahahha see lah my mum.. rite now.. Alhamdulilah.. I have the kita boleh spirit again.. I wonder if ppl can prove if resilience is partly a product of genetics??

Toot-to-tooot..time to do work.. WERK WERK WERK!!

Lessons learnt

2006-03-16T20:05:00.000+08:00

Below is a quote i took from Arafah's blog.. It's part of a wider entry of hers...

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Isn't it lovely.. and seriously, I really feel that I haven't been doing things with a full open heart.. and for quit some time now..been going thro life with a catcher's mitt.. Perhaps it's due to heartbreaks and the hard knocks I've learnt?? Well.. it shouldn't be that way... and also.. for quite some time now.. I haven been doing the best I can.. I just do things, cos' they have to be done, without the passion and zest.. and so the work that I give, are sometimes not up to my expectations... and i realised that I have been rather spiteful at times, and have caught myself saying mean stuff to people (though most of it in my head) But Insya Allah.. with this awarenes I hope to change this.. And I realised that I have been such a pain to my very close frens and especially my mum and dad.. who have been so wonderful not to hold it against me..

Sometimes, we really forget to count our blessings... Insya Allah, tommorrow will be a new day.. and new insights will come my way.. Thanks Arafah..

Oh yeah.. so ..about focusing on ur family.. guess what.. I played badminton with my littlelest bro.. very fun seh.. and I learnt how to ride a skateskooter.. hahhaha fun fun fun.. I hope that I will continue to find strength to make the effort to make time for the ones I love.. and to give the best in whatever I do..

To Arfah - thanks babe.. fun seeing you even just for a tiny wheeny while... and Andrea, thanks for your updates on happenings in your life.. so dear frens..I apologise, if I haven been able to be around.. and those asking me if I am ok or not after readin my entry.. I am ok rite now and also thousand other emotions at the same time.. and I know that I am human at the end of the day..

So... till next time.."These are the days of MY life"... wakkakakaka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I learnt that I don't have to be up in the skies all the time.. feeling alright..Is enuf...

Anyone wanna go ice skating in JURONG?? I really wanna ice skate.. last I did that was in sec 2!! (is the rink even in existence??)

The finality of it all

2006-03-07T08:14:00.000+08:00

Warning: Full of rambles, spelling mistakes and what-nots

Yesterday nite, was supposed to be spent with me studying.. But I got side-trackked by something.. Got to me quite a bit.. Mixture of shocked, anger, surprised, questions (and many questions), happiness (for the other person) and well let's just say it got to me..

Naturally, ended up feeling like shit.. managed to calm down.. after which I just got so tired, threw my pillows around, and well.. yeah went to bed.. (by then it was around 4 plus) and so here I am up and early (at six.30) mind you..

I am really not a person who handles negativity well.. I tend to just push it aside, chuck it in some corner of my heart and mind.. perhaps this is what leads me to being a rational person (so Arafah says).. But I really need to learn to be in touch with the negative emotions.. deal with it.. and get it over and really move on.. (Learnt this in class yesterday..and well.. hahah divine intervention somehow forced me to conduct experiential practice!! Ain't it ironic)

So how am I feeling now? Rather calm.. For the first time, I think I actually dealt with my emotions.. cried my lungs and heart out.. threw things around, and it feels good.. and after which, I managed to look at it from a whole different perspective...

With every new beginning, Is an End.. So.. I guess.. while in some ways, I have moved on, subconsciously I have remainedstuck in the same place (somewhat of a paradox!).. and the news, marks an end, and Insya Allah, a new beginning for me.. Whatever that beginning is..

And I am so so proud of myself, being able to just let go of my emotions (though head is throbbing rite now) and yet, still able to rationalise thing..

"Let my mind, spread it's wings and fly"....

At the end of the day, I only have many many thanks to say.... Memories will forever remain.. The good, I will carve in stone, the bad, have already been swept away by winds, since I wrote them on sand.. Good Luck... :)

Will get ready to go school.. Procrastinating lah!! Harlow since when I got to school so early?? hahhahaa

Everything's goin to be alright??

2006-03-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

Right now.. the song... 'everything's goin to be alright, everything's goin to be ok'.. is in my brain rite now.. only that it ends sadly with a question mark.. Well today has been a rather..well no.. let's say confidently good day for me.. I managed to drag my big ass to school plonk myself down.. got started on my mental health assignment one and also did part of my terrorism powerpoint, which kinda look very messy and is taking a long time then I had planned it out to be (it looked so simple in my brain).. ..

Well.. things that are happening at school are really dragging me down.. and so I end up whinning and whinning and bitching and whinning..etc. but then, when I read my dear friends Arafah blog today.. I just felt like kicking myself rite up the ass.. I mean.. goodness.. so many more dear things are happening, which can go wrong and do go wrong.. and yet, they still continue living.. and then happened to go thro' a schoolmate's blog who lost her baby.. I mean.. what could be worse for a mother?? Seriously Arafah, yesh, you say that you are not strong, but then, breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means that you are human.. and seriously, that ain't bad rite.. cos we are all humans..

It's a start of a new day.. Insya Allah.. let everything work out well

Aftermath

2006-03-03T11:56:00.000+08:00

Dr Ngiam has really been sweet.. He is so so so helpful and nice..after knowing that some contacts he gave cldn't help me, he emailed me immediately apologizing and to just let him know any other help/assistance I might need... well I got to talk to my supervisor soon.. about the state of my ISM (or lack of) and also perhaps changing my methodology.. ARggghh!! And what is worst, I have just been sleeping every single time I feel stressed. I feel like I have lost the "I Can Do It" KiTa Boleh Spirit.. Oh .. where for art thou' spirit?? Do come back..

Well.. today I feel much better..after talking to 2 hrs to Edleen..and she trying to "sell" me some guy at one part of the conversation...hahhahaha Cute lah.. but babe.. thanks.. yOu never seem to fail me.. always there.. Best!!

But I am counting my blessings rite now.. Got lobang for one interview.. Convinent sampling.. But I don't know if it will make my paper gd or whether it will make my paper look like I am just doin interview for the sake of doin it.. get what I mean?!! Rite now, I need to make sure everyting i write, can be related back to social work implications..if not..it will look very sociology or even economics-a like...

Blah.. Goin for dinner tonite.. Wld be a good time to chill.. Tommorrow, is a new day, and today, is going to be good cos' it's what I make out of it..

Humm..

2006-03-02T21:55:00.000+08:00

A few seconds ago..I tot the world suck..now, I realised, ppl do help each other out.. Thanks man!!

*******

2006-02-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

crossing every single thing I have...

Insya Allah... pls let everything work itself out..

This might sound weird.. or that stress and the etc..has got to my brain.. but this wld be such a nice time to develop a crush and fall 'somewhat' in luv.....

Now I sound insane..

order~~

2006-02-23T20:00:00.000+08:00

Decided to bring some order to my piles of paper all over my room..went and actually filed my stuff.. so amazing.... I always do it barely 2 wks before exam.. so now my room is quite organized! while puttin stuff in order, it dawned on me the amount of work that I would have to do and all the assignments which are going to be due soon.. Insya Allah everything will turn out a ok!!

Rite now, things with my ISM.. let's just say I dunt wanna think so much about it. Shall just try my best and do whatever is possible even if it means at the end of the day just relying on secondary data.. But then I know that deep down inside I am very stress.. why?? the appearance of a physiological symptom. Everytime I get really stress, I will get this nagging pain on my right shoulder. Irritating, and yet always serves to remind me to relax, take stock and just do my best.

Being social work trained, I should incorporate what I learn into my psyche.. so here it goes.. self-cognitive behavioural therapy... "the way I think will affect the way I feel".. so I going to think positive, so that I can feel positive, and do work well..

An Emlightening Day!!

2006-02-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

Watched the Constant Garderner today with Arfah..It's a deeply intriguing, disturbing movie.. Made me question whether saving the world and making it a better place through the use of already established institutions possible...

Perturbing..Nuff' said..

Was a very fun day nevertheless.. And now back to the books.. and like the train leaving the station... I shall start slow but steady..and insya Allah, gain momentum... Chooo...ChooChoo..ChooChooChoo.. (ya get the picture??!!)

New Mantra

2006-02-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

Nice the picture??? I drew it on my new little blackboard! It is supposed to gimme inspiration lah.

Have been such a sotong recently! Super Super punye sotong I tell you.. And I am so fed-up lah with the whole state of affairs..I can't stand it..So.. I am just going to try and believe.. have faith..if everything else fails..at least have faith IN MYSELF that somewhere somehow, I can pull things off.. Insya Allah.

Seeing things in perspective

2006-02-09T20:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I think that things have a funny way of working itself out. Have you ever woke up, in total shock, taking time to think what it is you are supposed to do.. well that happened to me today.. I woke up at around 9.50..and I was like ain't I not supposed to be somewhere now?? Then, after a few moments, I realised I got a class at 10 and a test then.. I panicked, screamed.. called my mum.. who got my dad to pick me up.... he railed at me the whole way, saying that I need to change my habit of 'pentingkan' or giving importance to sleep (HEY I REALLLI REALLI NEED SLEEP!!) so anyway, by some twist of luck, I msg Liwei and she said Dr Ng started with lecture first.. I reached school at around 10.30.. my dad drove to school in a mere 10 mins! goodness!! It takes me 40 minutes!! Amazing k.. So anyway, I sat down, drank my coffee (I grabbed a bottle on my way out from home..) and then in another 10-15 mins or so.. the test started.. so yeah I heaved a sigh of relief.. Then.. I went to check my mail.. and realised that AMP can't help me with getting my sample for my ISM..sigh! Back to square one.. Any ideas?? Met Andrea and Arfah for lunch before my next class..and yeah..things got better..

But you know, the news I heard from Arafah, that her friend's brother passed away, really got to me.. here I am fretting non-stop..about the litte little things in life, and yesh I do so cos I am a whiny human being.. and yet, hearing the news puts things into perspective..there are so much more things more important..and I need to start appreciating my parents, family and close frens more.. all the people who are always helping me and who I have been taking for granted..

And to Ratna, even though I don't really know you or your brother, I have a feeling he was a really nice person, because it was raining the whole of today. May Allah bless his spirit.

Hot AIR!!

2006-02-07T19:07:00.000+08:00

Before I start cursing or sounding very bitchy.. Let me shout out a super duper cooper throoper big big THANK YOU to OYEAH!!!! She was so so sweet I tell you.. from school she followed me to MENDAKI so that I could get their research report on Skills Redevelopment Programme.. Wah weet weet.. SO SWEET!!! SO SO very the thank you girl!! It's always all these wonderful things that make 'uncontrollable' things bearable... Arafah..Terima khasih eh.. listen to all my grumbling tho' you got more stressful life changing issues to deal with.. in your own words... gua chaya sama lu (correct???) And 2 sweet ppl who by chance saw me walking and listened to all my ramblings in a very very loud voice ( I SWEAR i think I was shouting at the top of my lungs) - Murshidah and Fareez (leh..I haven study enuf for Gender test on thur!! Thanks for the reminder!) and then to Andrea, Arfah and also her chinese fren..thanks thanks.. the coffee helped plus the laugher and jokes.. and Maria for talking to me on the phone.. sampai handphone batt mati... wakkakaka Thanks ah.. SERIOUSLY ranting and raving keeps me sane.. and thanks for listening..and to all the ppl who always say 'haiya its ok' pls ah i hope next time I won't tell you worries.. cos all I want is EMPATHY!

ok.. so here goes.. I hate ppl who are composed of hot air.. what do I mean by hot air.. I mean harlow..if you not sure u can get it.. dun lah go say for certain u can do it.. THAT IS SO MY PET PEEVE.... DUN LIKE HOT AIR AND N.A.T.O!!

I really dun know what to do for tommorrow's ethic handup seh.. Have no clue.. Just goin to write out the questions and hopefully something comes up and everything goes well..
Ya Allah, pls give me the strength..

Still need to read for gender test some more.. insya allah..

Angelic~!

2006-02-03T08:22:00.000+08:00

Nice?? Nice?? Very angelic kan kan kan.. Hahhaah.. Picture was taken during Arafah's bro wedding..

Having the sunlight shinning behind us.. "Like a ray of light.."

Great I am getting crappy..Need my mcdonalds fix for breakfast..(Arfah..will call u in a while!)

LINDA!! I had fun!! Thanks girl!! I suddenly got Da spirit to do work (spirit~ cos I procrastinated)

Right now, I sound incoherent and crazy.. Oh well..Toodles!

STUCK!!

2006-02-02T17:31:00.000+08:00

Rite now I am stuck.. stuck as anyone can be.. so stuck stuck stuck..

I really feel like my heels have gotten stuck in the stupid crack, and it broke and I am left spinning.. and spinning but there ain't no one there to save me.. AARRGGHHH!!

I am getting so stuck wit my ISM..so stuck that I dun even put in enuf effort or the effort required.. Why? Cos' I am shuttin down on that blarrdy stuff.. shall take a break.. go for a nice dinner.. Hopefully Linda can spur me on!!

YELL FOR THE UNDERDOGS!!

2006-01-28T16:49:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to all the underdogs.. Goodness I was so so into "Battle of the reality stars".. Best... and what made it 'more best' is how the light blue team, managed to beat every single team along their way... call it luck.. nah!! I dun think so.. perhaps 'luck' helped a tinny weeeny bit but I think the desire and hunger to succeed and prove their old groupmates wrong, pulled the group together!! I really like the ending tho' when Bradford said that Mr Trump got what he paid for and if he is looking for great to go and call him.. hahhahaa.... and Heidi is such a sour puss.. oh pluss!!!! "White trash" Wonder who she was referring to... akakkaa...

Anyway.. (since I sooo lurve getting lessons out of the unusual things in life) this episode shows... that we can triumph if we really want to so badly.... whatever ppl may think and whatever the odds..

Hopefully.. the fire in my belly will be 're' charged up.. seriously.. I don't know where it has gone lately... been procrastinating lah.. and just taking so long to getting SOME work done...

so yeah.. FIRE UP!!

hahahah that can come later tonite lah.. now goin to dinner with family.... :)

And so I digress...

2006-01-23T13:16:00.000+08:00

My powers of digression and also procrastination amazes me sometimes.. anyway, took this Handwritting Personality Quiz.. and this what it says ..

The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself.

Correct ke?? Lor?? Betul ke?? hahhaa but I kinda agree with it!!

okok..this time, I really will get back to work!